Impurrfect

(((Elsie))) - I went to meetings, when I had a problem abusing opiates, though I wasn't addicted...quit them without a problem, had no withdrawals. Later became COMPLETELY addicted to crack.

I did not go to rehab, I don't go to meetings. HOWEVER, I am on SR a LOT, and have built up a pretty strong support network, many of which are friends from here, my immediate family of 3 and a few other friends. Not something I recommend to others, as I know meetings are very important to most people...I still use what I learned in those meetings. I had also attended IOP (intensive outpatient treatment) during the opiate time, so I also use what I learned there, but again, this was years ago. I I have SR friends that I e-mail throughout the day...every day. It's not always about recovery, but it CAN be if it needs to be! These are people I truly love and care about, even though I've never met them f2f...you can't BEAT that type of support!

I don't say I "did it on my own" because I have this support. I, personally, don't think an addict CAN just quit without some type of support. When I just quit dope for a year, I lurked on SR, but never joined. When I decided to try recovery, I lurked for ANOTHER 6 months then finally joined, and also contacted two people who are near and dear to my heart. THAT'S when my recovery blossomed.

Like ((LTD)) said, though..wait and see. I still wouldn't believe a word he said...I go by ACTIONS, not words, but then I've dealt with my fair share of addicts and alcoholics in my life, including myself!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

transformyself

Hi Elsie

The thing that strikes me the most about your post is that you're way more concerned about him than yourself.

I used to think that was a good quality of mine. I made excuses that, if things were better or when he saw me as the selfless loving woman I am, he would rush into my arms and be eternally grateful.

More crap, just like Alice says.

My AH turned his back on me when I needed him the most. He always has.

I did the same things you're doing. I obsessed about AH. Went to websites, did everythng within my power to help him.

The absolute best thing you can do for him is lovingly detach. "that's great," you say when he proclaims an awakening. "Good luck with that." Then, you go do your own damn life. Spend one fifth of the energy on yourself that you do on him and see where that gets you.

YOu'll be happier. I promise.

Elsie

I don't know how to do that.
How does someone detach themselves from someone they are still in a relationship with?

transformyself

This was really helpful to me
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Also, my detaching starts with my thoughts. I stop myself from thinking about him, because for the most part, my thoughts of him were all fear based. Worried, trying to sort out what's best with him. I was obsessed, really. and it wasn't a good obsession. It was all negative and fearful.

When i start thinking negative thoughts about AH (or in general) I stop myself and replace it with something positive. Like,

I am perfectly happy and safe and taken care of, right here and right now.
AH is perfectly happy and safe and taken care of, right here and right now. Our HP is in charge and taking care of everything.

YOu can also try the Serenity prayer.

The power of words and thoughts heals all. But I have to be willing to change, and willing to try to change my attitude.

nodaybut2day

I'm SO not the expert here, because I only had to do this with XAH for a few months before I left, but for me, detaching from him meant reminding myself constantly that I simply did not control what he did, even if it irked me, worried me, frustrated me, etc:

• He cracked open a beer. I got stressed, wanted to say something. Reminded myself I didn't control his actions.
• He got angry with me for x, y, or z. I got stressed. Reminded myself I didn't control his feelings. Told him so. Ended the conversation.
• He didn't come home at night after work. I got mad. Reminded myself I couldn't change him. Comforted myself by doing something fun with my daughter and taking pictures.

I also figured out a few boundaries along the way, not on purpose, but just instinctively:

• He asked me to buy beer for him because he was "broke". I decided that I wouldn't be buying him any, even if I had the money. At first I lied and told him I didn't have money either. Eventually I straight out told him I wasn't comfortable buying him alcohol.
• He would yell, scream and cuss at me for something. I told him I wouldn't accept further abuse, and that if he couldn't speak to me politely, I would leave the room and end the conversation. This took a lot of work because he tried to guilt me or goad me into further conversations, but I stuck to my guns and refused to engage.

All this resulted in gradually disengaging and starting to focus on me, what I wanted and needed. Eventually, I left him, because I came to the realization that I could not function anymore by being in his life. He was too toxic.

FindingPeace1

I don't REALLY know, but I am working on it right now.

I think detachment doesn't mean not caring or not loving. It means letting go of attachment, as in clinging, obsessing, trying to change/fix/help, being dramatic/upset/mad/sad/crazy because s/he is doing x,y,or z. Wanting it to be a certain way...

It means allowing. Allowing life to be just where it is RIGHT NOW. Allowing who they are to be. They are lying? Okay. They are drinking? Okay. They are snotty? Okay. They are depressed? Okay. They are mad? Okay. Etc. Etc. Etc. Because they are. And us fussing over them is not helping us or them.

(Which is not to say you accept abuse. You may observe their behavior and say, "Yuck. No thanks." But what to do? Be upset? Try to change them? Nope. You can walk away - for the minute, an hour, the day, a lifetime. You just can't MAKE THEM stop.)

Meanwhile, are we perfect? Of course not. So if we take all that energy and look inward (as Bernadette, bless her heart, says, "Put away the magnifying glass and get out the mirror."), we can start to work on ourselves. Seeing ourselves for what we truly are. Detaching from the drama of ourselves, as well. Allowing ourselves. Are we mad? Okay. Are we sad? Okay. But not ACTING on that. Improving who we are.

I think it means observing ourselves - where we go in our heads. As I work on this, I slow down my response time. My AH does something upsetting, I observe my feelings - hurt, mad, sad, etc., and my thoughts - all the things I want to say/do, and I can start to see my own triggers and wounds and how he is setting off my OWN stuff, and then I can try to respond neutrally (in a detached manner).

I think it means stopping our own manipulation of them. (Who, me? THEY are the manipulative ones! Oh, but I am uncovering the DEPTH of my own manipulation of my AH!!) The punishing them for bad behavior, getting them to promise things they can't provide, trying to say just the right thing to make them see or make them change or make them anything, waiting for a REAL apology, trying to make them happy/normal again, rewarding them for the behavior I like, reacting, reacting, reacting without thought.

I think it means trying to be aware of when I am thinking/worrying/obsessing about my AH and returning (mentally) to MY life, my dreams, being relaxed, having fun, planning my own accomplishments, appreciating the good in my life.

I think what you are detaching from is the drama and obsession and reaction. Not the person. Of course, I could be wrong. I am learning this as I go.

Wife