He's asking for another chance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
He's asking for another chance
RAH has called and emailed saying he had made new progress and would like to talk. I haven't spoken with him yet.
First question is what could possibly change at this point.
Second question is what is my basis for trusting him at this point.
Third question is who do I want to be and can I be that person in this rel.
Fourth question is who does he want to be and can he be that person in this rel
I asked him not to contact me for a few months - and it has been two weeks - what changes in two weeks - his pattern with me has been in place for years -and all this year I have heard promises of change w/o the follow through.
Would real change mean leaving me alone for a few months or just until "he" figures out his part. If he did learn anything different wouldn't he leave a message or write something out, send flowers or gifts, etc? Isn't that what people do when they want to apologize or show remorse? All I ever get is talk.
People please send me your thoughts ASAP while I consider what to do today.
First question is what could possibly change at this point.
Second question is what is my basis for trusting him at this point.
Third question is who do I want to be and can I be that person in this rel.
Fourth question is who does he want to be and can he be that person in this rel
I asked him not to contact me for a few months - and it has been two weeks - what changes in two weeks - his pattern with me has been in place for years -and all this year I have heard promises of change w/o the follow through.
Would real change mean leaving me alone for a few months or just until "he" figures out his part. If he did learn anything different wouldn't he leave a message or write something out, send flowers or gifts, etc? Isn't that what people do when they want to apologize or show remorse? All I ever get is talk.
People please send me your thoughts ASAP while I consider what to do today.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You asked for a few months. He gave you a couple of weeks. His concern is only for himself, not you or what you need. My vote is to maintain no contact...even if he sends flowers or a gift. It's nothing but an attempt at manipulation. Please don't fall for it.
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Kass-I've had the same situation...many many times. I can't speak for you and your situation...but in my experience I've found nothing changes each time I am roped into giving him another try.
I would give my STBXAH chance after chance. We would discuss it and I would be open and honest about what I wanted from him. While he sat there saying yes to everything and anything so that I didn't leave him...and then nothing would change. I would write him letters trying to keep the emotions out of it...but nothing worked. Oh, he would make an effort in the very beginning and then resort to his usual obnoxious self. We would fight about it, I would search for booze and throw it out, and I would try to limit our social situations to minimize the damage. With each new episode I would get more and more resentful and very angry.
This went on for years. I built up such a resentment to him that I couldn't stand to hear him clear his throat or breath in the same room as me!!! My therapist said my AH stopped listening to me years ago. He knew I wasn't going anywhere each time I would threaten...because I never did. He was watching my actions rather than my words...because the words were never followed through on.
I did finally leave, but long after I should have. We've been separated for 3 months and I am slowly getting to a place that I am feeling better about my move.
I can tell you one thing that I got directly out of the horses mouth...I asked him many times since I moved out when he would complain about my leaving him..."why didn't you listen to me when I would say to you how sick of all of this I am"? His answer spoke volumns to me. He said "I never thought you would move out. I never thought you would go." I called his bluff and he never thought I would.
He wants to come back, but what I've read here on this forum about how the booze is gone but the attitude remains...thanks but no thanks!
I can't tell you what to do...I just wanted to share one persons story with you.
Good luck and much (((((hugs))))).
I would give my STBXAH chance after chance. We would discuss it and I would be open and honest about what I wanted from him. While he sat there saying yes to everything and anything so that I didn't leave him...and then nothing would change. I would write him letters trying to keep the emotions out of it...but nothing worked. Oh, he would make an effort in the very beginning and then resort to his usual obnoxious self. We would fight about it, I would search for booze and throw it out, and I would try to limit our social situations to minimize the damage. With each new episode I would get more and more resentful and very angry.
This went on for years. I built up such a resentment to him that I couldn't stand to hear him clear his throat or breath in the same room as me!!! My therapist said my AH stopped listening to me years ago. He knew I wasn't going anywhere each time I would threaten...because I never did. He was watching my actions rather than my words...because the words were never followed through on.
I did finally leave, but long after I should have. We've been separated for 3 months and I am slowly getting to a place that I am feeling better about my move.
I can tell you one thing that I got directly out of the horses mouth...I asked him many times since I moved out when he would complain about my leaving him..."why didn't you listen to me when I would say to you how sick of all of this I am"? His answer spoke volumns to me. He said "I never thought you would move out. I never thought you would go." I called his bluff and he never thought I would.
He wants to come back, but what I've read here on this forum about how the booze is gone but the attitude remains...thanks but no thanks!
I can't tell you what to do...I just wanted to share one persons story with you.
Good luck and much (((((hugs))))).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi kassie-
for myself, the only thing that would make a difference to me is if he said:
"i've been sober for a year and attending AA. i'm calling to make amends".
two weeks, even if it was sober, is too early. even in AA, they would say to not get involved in a relationship for one year, so that the alcoholic can focus on his sobriety.
for myself, if he's not saying any of those things, i would hold the line.
naive
for myself, the only thing that would make a difference to me is if he said:
"i've been sober for a year and attending AA. i'm calling to make amends".
two weeks, even if it was sober, is too early. even in AA, they would say to not get involved in a relationship for one year, so that the alcoholic can focus on his sobriety.
for myself, if he's not saying any of those things, i would hold the line.
naive
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
perhaps he just wants to talk. not ask for another chance? are you jumping to conclusions? part of the step process is to make amends with those hurt during addiction. he could put whatever he wants to "talk" about in a letter and mail it. When your interested and available, read it. Could be tomorrow, could be a year from now.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I left my AH on Dec 3 and planned on not talking to him ever again. Well his job asked me to talk to him (they didn't know I had left). So two weeks in I talked to him. He denied drinking at work he was going to work on stuff. He went to my parents left $300 and $100 for each of my kids. Got my new number.
He's called me twice promising me the world if I'll just come back and not file for spousal support. He makes lots of money; he's having a fit that I may get some. I told him after two (it may have been 3 weeks) he wasn't in a program and not in therapy (he also was lying about how much he was drinking while I lived there); that I wasn't coming back.
He gave my parents (he doesn't have my new address, just phone number) $250 (I make no income, I'm disabled; he keeps saying he wants to take 'care' of me) on Sunday saying he'll call me. No one has heard from him since. It's Thursday. I don't want him back; but if your fighting to get your wife back you would think he would be calling and getting his crap together.
I think if they aren't doing what you asked them to do (I did "ok" a few things when he called to see where his head was)...then don't go back with him... they just want things to go back to the way they where without doing the work. They will say anything to get you back but will DO very little.
Say what you want and stick to it until you see results. Let him get in a program and work it for a year... Then talk... Just my feeling after seeing all the crap...
He's called me twice promising me the world if I'll just come back and not file for spousal support. He makes lots of money; he's having a fit that I may get some. I told him after two (it may have been 3 weeks) he wasn't in a program and not in therapy (he also was lying about how much he was drinking while I lived there); that I wasn't coming back.
He gave my parents (he doesn't have my new address, just phone number) $250 (I make no income, I'm disabled; he keeps saying he wants to take 'care' of me) on Sunday saying he'll call me. No one has heard from him since. It's Thursday. I don't want him back; but if your fighting to get your wife back you would think he would be calling and getting his crap together.
I think if they aren't doing what you asked them to do (I did "ok" a few things when he called to see where his head was)...then don't go back with him... they just want things to go back to the way they where without doing the work. They will say anything to get you back but will DO very little.
Say what you want and stick to it until you see results. Let him get in a program and work it for a year... Then talk... Just my feeling after seeing all the crap...
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I like that most reminded me that he is not giving me my request - not concerned about my needs but is attending to his own. Just my gut reaction.
I like the suggestion that if he really wanted to make any amends that he could write it in a letter or could send it in an email or text or message since he had no trouble before using these things.
I also agree that two weeks tells me very little - maybe he needs time to realize that when I say enough is enough I mean it. I have been one to give warnings and follow through- I did that this time too. How else will he learn that he can't just do whatever he wants in a relationship that he has to consider someone else's needs/wants.
My fear is that I will feel guilty or get angry if I talk to him right now - that would be worse than wondering.
Any other thoughts?
I like the suggestion that if he really wanted to make any amends that he could write it in a letter or could send it in an email or text or message since he had no trouble before using these things.
I also agree that two weeks tells me very little - maybe he needs time to realize that when I say enough is enough I mean it. I have been one to give warnings and follow through- I did that this time too. How else will he learn that he can't just do whatever he wants in a relationship that he has to consider someone else's needs/wants.
My fear is that I will feel guilty or get angry if I talk to him right now - that would be worse than wondering.
Any other thoughts?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
My XAH and I hope to reconcile at some point in the future but he is very active in a recovery program and all the focus is on that recovery. We have agreed that at least one year must pass before we would consider a reconciliation. Both of us need to heal. Both of us need to spend the year getting healthy so that we can either be in a healthy relationship together or be able to move on to a healthy relationship with someone new.
We talk often but when we do talk reconciliation any sooner than the one year mark is off limits from conversation. So mainly when we talk it is about how he is doing in recovery, how he feels about the steps he is working, meetings he is attending, aftercare program or how I am doing in my recovery and how I feel about myself. We have only seen each other once because I was afraid being that close to him would cause me to cave. But to my surprise he stuck to the boundaries of our contact and said he knew we were both right where we need to be. He also said that it was up to HP if were to find our way together again.
Sometimes I think we are closer now talking about recovery than we ever were with me trying to control the drinking. I have no way of knowing how it will all turn out. As he says, we wait to see if that is in HP's plans for us or not. But I can say that if he were going about this any other way I would think he just wanted to go back to him drinking and me enabling.
Stick to your boundaries. Good luck.
We talk often but when we do talk reconciliation any sooner than the one year mark is off limits from conversation. So mainly when we talk it is about how he is doing in recovery, how he feels about the steps he is working, meetings he is attending, aftercare program or how I am doing in my recovery and how I feel about myself. We have only seen each other once because I was afraid being that close to him would cause me to cave. But to my surprise he stuck to the boundaries of our contact and said he knew we were both right where we need to be. He also said that it was up to HP if were to find our way together again.
Sometimes I think we are closer now talking about recovery than we ever were with me trying to control the drinking. I have no way of knowing how it will all turn out. As he says, we wait to see if that is in HP's plans for us or not. But I can say that if he were going about this any other way I would think he just wanted to go back to him drinking and me enabling.
Stick to your boundaries. Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Wow For4 - that's the healthiest I've ever seen anybody work the program, and deal with each other. I'm impressed, slightly jealous, and SO HAPPY for you that you're BOTH in such good places! I HOPE this continues, and the end result, whether apart or together, is wonderful. Good for you!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Thanks Tigger. There is no way to know how it will all end. But together or not I now believe it will all end with both of us being healthier happier people. At least I will be and he will be too if he chooses to continue on his path to sobriety.
I am working with a therapist. He is working with his sponsor. They have helped us to set up boundaries in order to have successful contact. It takes both of us being willing to work at it this way to have any hope of success. It's a lifestyle change. It's a far cry from what we would be doing if were still together with him drinking and me about to go insane. Maybe someday we will both reach a place to attend AA and Al Anon together. I don't know. For now I leave him with God to his work. He leaves me with God to do mine.
I am working with a therapist. He is working with his sponsor. They have helped us to set up boundaries in order to have successful contact. It takes both of us being willing to work at it this way to have any hope of success. It's a lifestyle change. It's a far cry from what we would be doing if were still together with him drinking and me about to go insane. Maybe someday we will both reach a place to attend AA and Al Anon together. I don't know. For now I leave him with God to his work. He leaves me with God to do mine.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
My fear is that I will feel guilty or get angry if I talk to him right now
Be brave! Try out a new fear like: if you go back to him, everything will stay the same and you will never know how powerful, beautiful and happy you can be without him!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 17
From my own personal experience I always gave in too quickly and the results were always the same. The first time I ended things until he got help we were apart 2 months. All the while he was texting me about going to meetings etc. I went to a meeting with him, which then became I'm going to on-line meetings', which gradually became I'm going to try moderation'. Just like with my MYAWAKENING, when I really ended things he said, "I never thought you would really leave-I always thought you would be there." In my opinion, if he is serious about recovery he will respect your decision.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I am glad that I did not respond. I rec'd more emails - him giving his version of what happened and blaming me for whatever. More of the same. Glad I followed my instincts.
Now I have the task of calming down, resisting the argument or reaction that he is trying to get from me. Just what I was trying to avoid -guess since I have cut off contact he is trying to find a way back in.
Will he ever figure out what he is losing? and how does one get to hold onto a better life? What a disappointment - expected but still....
Now I have the task of calming down, resisting the argument or reaction that he is trying to get from me. Just what I was trying to avoid -guess since I have cut off contact he is trying to find a way back in.
Will he ever figure out what he is losing? and how does one get to hold onto a better life? What a disappointment - expected but still....
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
I heard this in march I want to change and be closer in our relationship and I dont want to drink anymore you saved me from myself and blah blah blah. Well he changed for a day!!!!!!!
November rolls around and he leaves again and starts drinking again now he is back to crying to me on the phone.
you know what I have decided......... that I want this to end now so I get the rest of my life to live with someone who appreciates me and who will not mess with my mind.
If I take him back again what will happen again in 6 months or in a year and that puts me right back to where I am today only with more of my life spent struggling with questions and trying to figure him out. no way
I say you need the next few months to get your head on straight and figure out what you need for YOU, he needs you now but what will you need for yourself you have not had enough time to think about yourself yet and he is trying to sabotage that on you. He is not being fair to you he is just looking at what he wants right now.(just my opinion)
November rolls around and he leaves again and starts drinking again now he is back to crying to me on the phone.
you know what I have decided......... that I want this to end now so I get the rest of my life to live with someone who appreciates me and who will not mess with my mind.
If I take him back again what will happen again in 6 months or in a year and that puts me right back to where I am today only with more of my life spent struggling with questions and trying to figure him out. no way
I say you need the next few months to get your head on straight and figure out what you need for YOU, he needs you now but what will you need for yourself you have not had enough time to think about yourself yet and he is trying to sabotage that on you. He is not being fair to you he is just looking at what he wants right now.(just my opinion)
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Thank you Cocoa for the pep talk. I have been through this before - each time I set a boundary it seems to push us further apart. I guess a few weeks ago and so close to the holidays with so much unresolved I decided that if he couldn't make it through the holidays with me then I wanted no contact. I made that clear to him at the time. He messes up anyway and I think he didn't expect me to follow through - I knew I would - he is doing all his tricks to get my attention and I am here getting support to avoid tripping up. I am tired to not being able to be honest with myself and others about the nature of our relationship. I am thinking that until I get honest about it with myself I can't do what I need to do for my own best benefit. Having no contact about says it for now. Just don't ask me to be happy about it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I am in the same spot. They are always looking for another chance, but lets face it how many chances did I already give? Way too many!!!!
I am still living in the same house but I am determined not to repeat my mistakes. I fell like I am separated but he is still in denial. It seems they are always in denial. Stick to your guns girl!!
I am still living in the same house but I am determined not to repeat my mistakes. I fell like I am separated but he is still in denial. It seems they are always in denial. Stick to your guns girl!!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
(((Kassie))) Just try to hang on and realize that what you're going through is just a *part* of the growth process. You won't feel like this forever. Just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. You're doing so good. Block his emails/calls/texts for awhile -- he's gonna try every trick in the book and you really don't need that right now.
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