Lasting Fear
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
Lasting Fear
I've been doing everything I can to get the courage and information I need to break away from my AH and heal from the insanity. As of just a few weeks ago, I joined a great al-anon group and began reading some of the wonderfully, uplifting books recommended here. After his last relapse (long, typical history) I finally got him out of the house so I could get some serenity and plan the next move. He called just yesterday with "I don't have anywhere to go" (not true), "I miss you," "when can I come home?," and the one that caused panic, "you can't keep me from my home."
He's on the mortgage and legally has the right to be there, although he hasn't contributed in a long time (job losses). I feel sorry for him and sad that he was, so I said we could shoot for 1 Jan-new year/new start. Obvioulsy, I also blew the "no contact" rule. I love him and care for him more than anything. I would like things to work out and be together but after years of trauma and denial, I don't want to pretend it will be okay anymore and I'm afraid I'll never get out of this trap.
I'm disappointed in myself but just don't have the strength to hurt him. I'm afraid he'll just come back anyway and thought short-term space with hope to reconcile was better than face a miserable fight. Although I have the tremendous support from all you, al-anon, and my best friends, I'm always alone to face him.
I'm sure he'll give me another opportunity. I'm in the process of seperating the accounts/credit and developing a plan to save money to fix the house so it is sellable. I guess I'll have to prepare for the next wretched event and hope for the courage to fight for me. I'm just so afraid. All the support I've gained isn't enough to give me the strength to take on the most repulsive, distubing events he's shown himself capable of.
He's on the mortgage and legally has the right to be there, although he hasn't contributed in a long time (job losses). I feel sorry for him and sad that he was, so I said we could shoot for 1 Jan-new year/new start. Obvioulsy, I also blew the "no contact" rule. I love him and care for him more than anything. I would like things to work out and be together but after years of trauma and denial, I don't want to pretend it will be okay anymore and I'm afraid I'll never get out of this trap.
I'm disappointed in myself but just don't have the strength to hurt him. I'm afraid he'll just come back anyway and thought short-term space with hope to reconcile was better than face a miserable fight. Although I have the tremendous support from all you, al-anon, and my best friends, I'm always alone to face him.
I'm sure he'll give me another opportunity. I'm in the process of seperating the accounts/credit and developing a plan to save money to fix the house so it is sellable. I guess I'll have to prepare for the next wretched event and hope for the courage to fight for me. I'm just so afraid. All the support I've gained isn't enough to give me the strength to take on the most repulsive, distubing events he's shown himself capable of.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 128
Paci, I'm so sorry you are in such a spot. I can see you are frightened. You did a very smart thing by getting into AlAnon. I encourage you to stick with them and allow them to help you. Make friends there and let them guide you through the things you need to do and the tough decisions you will have to make. I hope you got some phone numbers of the people there. Don't hesitate to use them. I wish you all the best.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((Paci)))
So, you slipped. It happens. Don't beat yourself up about it - you've bought yourself a little time. Forget about him and work on you over the next weeks - you can always change your mind on the 1st if you want to. Its all about baby steps. You have this breathing space - use it!
So, you slipped. It happens. Don't beat yourself up about it - you've bought yourself a little time. Forget about him and work on you over the next weeks - you can always change your mind on the 1st if you want to. Its all about baby steps. You have this breathing space - use it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
it's a process. keep reading, keep posting, keep notes. it took me a while to see through the confusion caused by all the chaos.
you're not hurting him, by the way. he's hurting himself. you're saving yourself. an alcoholic will take you down with them.
you're not hurting him, by the way. he's hurting himself. you're saving yourself. an alcoholic will take you down with them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
isn't it interesting how they can go from "but I love you" to "you can't keep me out of my own house"? I am still learning this for myself, but it just shows that if buttering you up won't work, intimidation will? Isn't that bullying? hmmm...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
Thank you, all. The problem is, I don't think I'll ever get out of this situation. I'm trapped, as I can try "no contact" but he'll just show up and live there. I can file for separation, but no one can determine who stays or leaves, right? Is that left to a court 6 months later after he creates a living hell? I just don't understand the details. Everyone seems to "leave" but I'm the one paying the mortgage, expenses, and taking care of the dogs. If I were to actually "leave," I'd have to pay on two homes until I can get off the lease and God knows what could happen in the meantime to that house I'd be responsible for. And I suppose I need his cooperation on that, too. He is not cooperative. I have everything to lose. And the worst part is that I'm so scarred to go through the misery again.
If I play along, I buy time. Maybe his recovery will kick in and he'll become more reasonable and less psychotic. If I had money, there wouldn't be such an issue, I'd just buy a mansion, like the stars do. If I had something I could lean on, I could win this. I don't have the courage to fight this monster. Hire a lawyer or counselor? What can I do?
If I play along, I buy time. Maybe his recovery will kick in and he'll become more reasonable and less psychotic. If I had money, there wouldn't be such an issue, I'd just buy a mansion, like the stars do. If I had something I could lean on, I could win this. I don't have the courage to fight this monster. Hire a lawyer or counselor? What can I do?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by Paci 
Hire a lawyer or counselor? What can I do?
Hang in there - you can get through this. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Paci, I understand what you are going through! I am with you too, my AH and I are joint on the mortgage and home, he won't sell and he won't leave. There is no other choice but if you want a life you have to leave. I have been told by counselors, forums, and two lawyers now. The last one I spoke to put it this way: "You can either keep thinking about how much this stinks and trying to figure out if there's another way around it, stressing yourself out and wasting time while still trying to support yourself and the house etc., or you can just leave. Leave, don't pay on it, and accept that it will foreclose, and come to peace with that. He will then have nothing over you and you can move on with your life"
As hard as it is to accept, I think counting on NOTHING is the best way to go with an A.
Do you have friends or family that will put you up for a while? What the lawyer recommended to me was to pick a random day, get all my things while he is at work, move out / put them in storage, and stay w/ a friend or family member. He recommended even taking the dog who is technically 'ours' if I have a place to bring him. Get the electric and any other household bills cancelled and/or out of your name, and spend ZERO money / as little as possible and save every penny you possibly can. Stop paying the mortgage. When AH contacts you about noticing you are gone, inform him that you plan to not pay on it, and if he wants to live there it's his responsibility to pay. Say that you have accepted foreclosure and bankruptcy and it's necessary in order to get on with your life. Then say if he wants to work out a deal and sign off that he will stay out of the home on a legal document and sign a quit claim to the home, then you will come back and take over and go through with the divorce etc. Otherwise his credit will be ruined too (if it's not already).
You could keep waiting, Paci.. I know I've waited a ton of times, well he's supposed to get paid this week, well he said he'd make good money next month, well he said he'd quit drinking in a few weeks, etc etc.. but honestly it doesn't get better, read the boards
It's progressive. Mine is now using drugs on a regular basis up from just drinking. It's all in your hands what you want to do, but the most empowering thing you can do is realize you DO have a choice. They choices may not be ones you like, but it is still YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE. you get that right, and don't let yourself be completely overwhelmed by inaction or the illusion that you have no options, because I'm sure if you search hard you will see that there are ways about this, and as hard as they may seem, it's probably not as hard as a lifetime with an A who is not recovering.. Or if he is and he is 'psychotic' well I know a man like that too. It gets worse..
As hard as it is to accept, I think counting on NOTHING is the best way to go with an A.
Do you have friends or family that will put you up for a while? What the lawyer recommended to me was to pick a random day, get all my things while he is at work, move out / put them in storage, and stay w/ a friend or family member. He recommended even taking the dog who is technically 'ours' if I have a place to bring him. Get the electric and any other household bills cancelled and/or out of your name, and spend ZERO money / as little as possible and save every penny you possibly can. Stop paying the mortgage. When AH contacts you about noticing you are gone, inform him that you plan to not pay on it, and if he wants to live there it's his responsibility to pay. Say that you have accepted foreclosure and bankruptcy and it's necessary in order to get on with your life. Then say if he wants to work out a deal and sign off that he will stay out of the home on a legal document and sign a quit claim to the home, then you will come back and take over and go through with the divorce etc. Otherwise his credit will be ruined too (if it's not already).
You could keep waiting, Paci.. I know I've waited a ton of times, well he's supposed to get paid this week, well he said he'd make good money next month, well he said he'd quit drinking in a few weeks, etc etc.. but honestly it doesn't get better, read the boards
It's progressive. Mine is now using drugs on a regular basis up from just drinking. It's all in your hands what you want to do, but the most empowering thing you can do is realize you DO have a choice. They choices may not be ones you like, but it is still YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE. you get that right, and don't let yourself be completely overwhelmed by inaction or the illusion that you have no options, because I'm sure if you search hard you will see that there are ways about this, and as hard as they may seem, it's probably not as hard as a lifetime with an A who is not recovering.. Or if he is and he is 'psychotic' well I know a man like that too. It gets worse..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I was in your shoes over a year ago, although mine did pay his half of the mortgage when we were together. I 'bought' him out of the house by taking on one of his loans. He signed a quit claim deed as part of the divorce. Although his name is still on the mortgage along with mine, I own the house. I think you could get leverage if he's disagreeable based on him not making any of the house payments for 6 months.
If there's any chance you can reason with him, I'd say go for it. It beats having your credit destroyed and forking over bunches of money to lawyers.
If there's any chance you can reason with him, I'd say go for it. It beats having your credit destroyed and forking over bunches of money to lawyers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
I'm very intimidated by all the complicated, legal aspects and also still afraid to tell him what I really feel. I found a good source of information online at Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce. I agree with your advice. I'm just too irrationally afraid to deal with anything.
My (submissive) plan is to allow him home, fix the house, separate the finances, continue al-anon/reading, find a marriage counselor for us both, and then take action following the next fall out. I've developed an (unhealthy) attachment that is hard to break.
I am just beginning to see my issues but can't seem to change. I have been in denial all my life and with only three weeks into my recovery, I am unable to act on the reality and unable to accept what's ahead. I developed denial skills as a child, as no one could help me then. I had put that part of my life away but everything that has happened to me in my marriage is too overwhelming. I'm paralyzed in fear and need someone to hold my hand through it. I don't have anyone, family or friends, that can do that. I have the best close friends but everyone lives too far to be here for me. I may someday have someone in al-anon that can at some point. The one that would resolve everything is my father, but he is controlling, demanding, and self-serving, and I am better off preserving what distance I have and hiding the truth.
I want to tell you someday that I finally made it. I envy those that have and anyone that is even divorced. I guess today I have to accept that I am unable to deal with it.
My (submissive) plan is to allow him home, fix the house, separate the finances, continue al-anon/reading, find a marriage counselor for us both, and then take action following the next fall out. I've developed an (unhealthy) attachment that is hard to break.
I am just beginning to see my issues but can't seem to change. I have been in denial all my life and with only three weeks into my recovery, I am unable to act on the reality and unable to accept what's ahead. I developed denial skills as a child, as no one could help me then. I had put that part of my life away but everything that has happened to me in my marriage is too overwhelming. I'm paralyzed in fear and need someone to hold my hand through it. I don't have anyone, family or friends, that can do that. I have the best close friends but everyone lives too far to be here for me. I may someday have someone in al-anon that can at some point. The one that would resolve everything is my father, but he is controlling, demanding, and self-serving, and I am better off preserving what distance I have and hiding the truth.
I want to tell you someday that I finally made it. I envy those that have and anyone that is even divorced. I guess today I have to accept that I am unable to deal with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 128
Hang in there, Paci. Maybe you are focusing too much on the future and the "what ifs." Perhaps if you focus on taking one baby step at a time in the right direction it would work. What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Paci, many here have been in your shoes. Keep coming back, reading, posting, going to Al-Anon, find yourself a sponsor who you can call to help you through things.
I went through a few months of being wishy washy.. As much as he had hurt me I couldn't accept that this was going to be it, and I wanted to give it another try. I did but 2 days into that last 'try' he completely obliterated my trust again. Each little realization helped me move on. less than a month ago I cried every day on my way to work, and every day on the way home, and some days at my desk. I thought I would never get through this, thought I would be too weak, and couldn't get over how this could all be happening, how this could be my life.
All the life adjustments that have to be made are really intimidating and scary. Think about some time in your life when you have gotten through a challenging situation and how strong you felt afterwards--focus on that maybe.
And absolutely, the best sayings for me at that time was "One day at a time", just keep moving.. and "Live and Let God". Do little things for yourself, make tiny steps every day that you can to help get yourself on your feet, and suddenly what seems like such a huge insurmountable task is nothing more than accomplishing the next tiny thing ahead of you. Yes, you may have to make some jumps somewhere along the way but for the most part it's just one step, one step, one step.
Hang in there and be strong and just realize you deserve more.
Doing what you can for yourself is very empowering.
I went through a few months of being wishy washy.. As much as he had hurt me I couldn't accept that this was going to be it, and I wanted to give it another try. I did but 2 days into that last 'try' he completely obliterated my trust again. Each little realization helped me move on. less than a month ago I cried every day on my way to work, and every day on the way home, and some days at my desk. I thought I would never get through this, thought I would be too weak, and couldn't get over how this could all be happening, how this could be my life.
All the life adjustments that have to be made are really intimidating and scary. Think about some time in your life when you have gotten through a challenging situation and how strong you felt afterwards--focus on that maybe.
And absolutely, the best sayings for me at that time was "One day at a time", just keep moving.. and "Live and Let God". Do little things for yourself, make tiny steps every day that you can to help get yourself on your feet, and suddenly what seems like such a huge insurmountable task is nothing more than accomplishing the next tiny thing ahead of you. Yes, you may have to make some jumps somewhere along the way but for the most part it's just one step, one step, one step.
Hang in there and be strong and just realize you deserve more.
Doing what you can for yourself is very empowering.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
Thank you for your kind words and insights. I know I am driving myself to hysteria rather than enjoying what time I have to learn and prepare for tomorrow. Your advice on baby steps is more manageable, as I have so much anxiety. It reminds of the movie, What About Bob. It's so easy to get married, put their name on everything that was once yours, and buy things together. I'll be in touch. I wish you lived next door!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I remember that movie! Baby steps to the door.. baby steps to the car... haha.
It's easy to be overwhelmed with everything, especially after spending so much time absorbing all the responsibility and attempting to control things that are not controllable. It can drive a person mad! I started to realize I was getting so wrapped up in the games I was probably annoying my friends with the stories I told. I would go on and on abuot what trick I was going to use this time to get him to do what I wanted, etc.
One day I just got so sick of hearing myself talk like that I realized I was losing respect for myself. That's when I finally started trying to do something for myself, realizing that it was out of my control gave me the power to do that.
Make sure to stay healthy--eat well, get plenty of rest, stay hydrated, take your vitamins, get some exercise--it's very helpful when you're under a lot of stress and helps to keep your mind clear to focus on what you need to do. And take time to go outside and breathe in some fresh air once in a while. And get your mind off things at times. We tend to get tunnel vision and can only focus on our problems and that makes everything more overwhelming too.
Good luck.
It's easy to be overwhelmed with everything, especially after spending so much time absorbing all the responsibility and attempting to control things that are not controllable. It can drive a person mad! I started to realize I was getting so wrapped up in the games I was probably annoying my friends with the stories I told. I would go on and on abuot what trick I was going to use this time to get him to do what I wanted, etc.
One day I just got so sick of hearing myself talk like that I realized I was losing respect for myself. That's when I finally started trying to do something for myself, realizing that it was out of my control gave me the power to do that.
Make sure to stay healthy--eat well, get plenty of rest, stay hydrated, take your vitamins, get some exercise--it's very helpful when you're under a lot of stress and helps to keep your mind clear to focus on what you need to do. And take time to go outside and breathe in some fresh air once in a while. And get your mind off things at times. We tend to get tunnel vision and can only focus on our problems and that makes everything more overwhelming too.
Good luck.
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