Email to my brother
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Email to my brother
A little background: my brother is 35, handsome, rich and completely in love with a girl who has a drinking, drugging, and partying problem. I felt the need to write the following. I think he's ruining his life. It's very painful to watch.
Dear Brother,
Since our last conversation, I have been thinking about you and the steps you are about to take. Honestly, I've been feeling a certain uneasiness. As your older sister and as someone who cares a great deal about you, my conscience would not be clear if I didn't warn you from taking those steps.
You said you were going to contribute $500 towards your girlfriend's monthly rent, because living in NYC is expensive and she can't afford it on her own. Brother, she's a grown-up, and she decided to move there in the first place. That's not your fault. You also said you were thinking about putting yourself and your children on her health insurance policy. I think it HIGHLY UNWISE that you would jump into another "financial" partnership with someone whom you barely trust before your divorce is financially over. Any normally thinking person would understand this argument. That she is not willing to accept this shows that she is only thinking about herself and is just using you. This is the one time in your life (post-divorce and pre-financial settlement) when you MUST NOT start financing another woman.
I understand your willingness to sacrifice your life in the hopes that she will change and choose you over her addictions (including partying, alcohol, drugs). As I told you on the phone many times, you are going to need support, knowledge, and strength to be in the right position to help her. It is a painful process that requires commitment, patience, and strong nerves. You should also know that when addicts go into recovery (they stop using), their partners don't always like the way the relationships change. Usually, there is a long getting-to-know-each-other stage; often relationships don't survive this.
I have advised you on many occasions to get yourself to Al-Anon (minimum six meetings). I would also recommend going to an "open AA" meeting. Such meetings are open to non-alcoholics and can give you a wealth of insight. I would also ask your therapist if he specializes in substance abuse and codependency issues. If he doesn't, find another one!
Enabling the addict (ie. paying her rent) and putting yourself in a dependent and vulnerable position (i.e. putting yourself and your children on her health insurance policy) are just some of the many mistakes made by people in painful relationships with addicts. They do so out of fear of losing the relationship; such people (called co-dependents) tend to fall for what the addict says: "I don't have a drinking problem... I only drink once in a while... I can go for weeks without a drink...etc..." These are all the classic statements made by addicts in denial. Codependents are also prone to being manipulated into thinking they are to blame for the addict's drinking.
You need to remember the three C's:
You didn't CAUSE her drinking, drugging, partying problem.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.
Your girlfriend knows that once her life and yours become intertwined, it will be harder for you to break off the relationship down the road. Plus, the less money she spends on rent, the more money she will have to go out and party. She has told you that she is not willing to quit partying... believe her.
You have told me that you are uneasy about leaving her alone in NYC. You can't trust that she will stay home and live healthily. You feel the need to uproot yourself (distracting yourself further from your life and your children), using the excuse that you want to experience NYC. This is not healthy, dear brother. I did similar things in the past... like buying the largest TV set I could find so that my Aex-H would stay home and watch football and not go out to bars, even though I hate TV and barely watch it myself. This represented my attempt to control him... and it failed!
This is why I bring you back to BOUNDARIES. Where do you begin and where do you end? Try to keep what is yours yours and what is hers hers. Her financial problems are her problems. Her emotional state and feelings are her problem. Don't allow her to try to put them on you. And don't accept ANY BLAME for her drinking. That she will only give you commitment once you pay her rent and move towards an engagement ring shows her true colors.
If she were 27 years old--and not 37--I might not be so panicked about this situation. The problem is: she's been partying her brains out for decades... the odds of her recovering now are not good. The best clinics in the US brag about 15-20% success rates.
In the end, you are a grown man and you can make the choices you want to make, but at least I have spoken my mind. This is a difficult time for you, not doubt. Christmas is the worst time to break up. You have the right to your life. You can slow things down and tell her you are not ready to take the next step. If she freaks: that's her problem... not yours.
Love,
Your sister
P.S. I forgot to tell you on the phone that I applaud your willingness to get tested. Stick to it! And demand written proof from her. You owed it to your children.
Dear Brother,
Since our last conversation, I have been thinking about you and the steps you are about to take. Honestly, I've been feeling a certain uneasiness. As your older sister and as someone who cares a great deal about you, my conscience would not be clear if I didn't warn you from taking those steps.
You said you were going to contribute $500 towards your girlfriend's monthly rent, because living in NYC is expensive and she can't afford it on her own. Brother, she's a grown-up, and she decided to move there in the first place. That's not your fault. You also said you were thinking about putting yourself and your children on her health insurance policy. I think it HIGHLY UNWISE that you would jump into another "financial" partnership with someone whom you barely trust before your divorce is financially over. Any normally thinking person would understand this argument. That she is not willing to accept this shows that she is only thinking about herself and is just using you. This is the one time in your life (post-divorce and pre-financial settlement) when you MUST NOT start financing another woman.
I understand your willingness to sacrifice your life in the hopes that she will change and choose you over her addictions (including partying, alcohol, drugs). As I told you on the phone many times, you are going to need support, knowledge, and strength to be in the right position to help her. It is a painful process that requires commitment, patience, and strong nerves. You should also know that when addicts go into recovery (they stop using), their partners don't always like the way the relationships change. Usually, there is a long getting-to-know-each-other stage; often relationships don't survive this.
I have advised you on many occasions to get yourself to Al-Anon (minimum six meetings). I would also recommend going to an "open AA" meeting. Such meetings are open to non-alcoholics and can give you a wealth of insight. I would also ask your therapist if he specializes in substance abuse and codependency issues. If he doesn't, find another one!
Enabling the addict (ie. paying her rent) and putting yourself in a dependent and vulnerable position (i.e. putting yourself and your children on her health insurance policy) are just some of the many mistakes made by people in painful relationships with addicts. They do so out of fear of losing the relationship; such people (called co-dependents) tend to fall for what the addict says: "I don't have a drinking problem... I only drink once in a while... I can go for weeks without a drink...etc..." These are all the classic statements made by addicts in denial. Codependents are also prone to being manipulated into thinking they are to blame for the addict's drinking.
You need to remember the three C's:
You didn't CAUSE her drinking, drugging, partying problem.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.
Your girlfriend knows that once her life and yours become intertwined, it will be harder for you to break off the relationship down the road. Plus, the less money she spends on rent, the more money she will have to go out and party. She has told you that she is not willing to quit partying... believe her.
You have told me that you are uneasy about leaving her alone in NYC. You can't trust that she will stay home and live healthily. You feel the need to uproot yourself (distracting yourself further from your life and your children), using the excuse that you want to experience NYC. This is not healthy, dear brother. I did similar things in the past... like buying the largest TV set I could find so that my Aex-H would stay home and watch football and not go out to bars, even though I hate TV and barely watch it myself. This represented my attempt to control him... and it failed!
This is why I bring you back to BOUNDARIES. Where do you begin and where do you end? Try to keep what is yours yours and what is hers hers. Her financial problems are her problems. Her emotional state and feelings are her problem. Don't allow her to try to put them on you. And don't accept ANY BLAME for her drinking. That she will only give you commitment once you pay her rent and move towards an engagement ring shows her true colors.
If she were 27 years old--and not 37--I might not be so panicked about this situation. The problem is: she's been partying her brains out for decades... the odds of her recovering now are not good. The best clinics in the US brag about 15-20% success rates.
In the end, you are a grown man and you can make the choices you want to make, but at least I have spoken my mind. This is a difficult time for you, not doubt. Christmas is the worst time to break up. You have the right to your life. You can slow things down and tell her you are not ready to take the next step. If she freaks: that's her problem... not yours.
Love,
Your sister
P.S. I forgot to tell you on the phone that I applaud your willingness to get tested. Stick to it! And demand written proof from her. You owed it to your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wow, that's a very powerful letter. The love you have for him clearly comes thru. Did you send the letter to him?
Here's a couple of ideas for you, dunno if they will help.
Have you offered to take your brother to one of _your_ al-anon meets with you? Since he suffers from the same "addiction to the addict" you could ask him for _his_ opinion of what _you_ are doing with your recovery. That puts him in the position to help _you_.
Have you shared a little of your own recovery with your brother? The things you have learned about codependency and about your own healing? If he hears how _your_ life is improving then he can see directly how it can apply to his own situation.
Mike
Here's a couple of ideas for you, dunno if they will help.
Have you offered to take your brother to one of _your_ al-anon meets with you? Since he suffers from the same "addiction to the addict" you could ask him for _his_ opinion of what _you_ are doing with your recovery. That puts him in the position to help _you_.
Have you shared a little of your own recovery with your brother? The things you have learned about codependency and about your own healing? If he hears how _your_ life is improving then he can see directly how it can apply to his own situation.
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Thank you Mike. Your reply is a real eye-opener. Since my separation and divorce from my exAH, my life has definitely improved. I have shared these things with my brother.
The only problem is that I am in a relationship with someone who is a pot-smoker and who's painful shyness drives him to drink to excess in social situations. So, he rarely goes out. He is also not very giving of his time and money. He fits me in when it is convenient for him. He is also very judgmental of some of my friends. So, perhaps, I can't really help my brother because I am still "addicted to my addict."
Deep down, I know he is not the one for me (if he doesn't change), but when says he loves me (which he says all the time), I feel bound to stay with him.
This might explain why my brother won't listen to me. How can I help him, if I can't help myself?
The only problem is that I am in a relationship with someone who is a pot-smoker and who's painful shyness drives him to drink to excess in social situations. So, he rarely goes out. He is also not very giving of his time and money. He fits me in when it is convenient for him. He is also very judgmental of some of my friends. So, perhaps, I can't really help my brother because I am still "addicted to my addict."
Deep down, I know he is not the one for me (if he doesn't change), but when says he loves me (which he says all the time), I feel bound to stay with him.
This might explain why my brother won't listen to me. How can I help him, if I can't help myself?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by mamaplus2kids 
...This might explain why my brother won't listen to me. How can I help him, if I can't help myself?
You go to your meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps and keep your brother up to date on your progress. That will give him an example to follow.I have trouble taking care of _me_ and my needs some days. My recovery is not perfect
What I do is imagine that I have a 7yr old child who is looking to me as "his" protector and role model. With that little "trick" in my mind I am then able to do the right thing for me, as if I were doing it for this imaginary 7yr old. It's not exactly the way it says I should do it in the al-anon literature, but it gets me one step closer to being able to do it for _me_. Baby steps, as they say. Today I do recovery for this imaginary child, until the day comes when I can do it for myself.
Maybe you can do something similar. If you can't do recovery for _you_, maybe you can do it for your brother, until the day you are well enough to do it for yourself.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Mike,
Thank you for your suggestions. I will try them. In the meantime, I think I had a major breakthrough yesterday... for the first time in my 3-year relationship, I was able to say "no" to my boyfriend wanting to come over. I spent the evening watching a movie and I had a great time on my own. Perhaps, this is a sign that I am detaching and ready to move on. I am not ready to break up, as it is right before Christmas. I think, I would like to break up after Christmas though.
Thank you!
Thank you for your suggestions. I will try them. In the meantime, I think I had a major breakthrough yesterday... for the first time in my 3-year relationship, I was able to say "no" to my boyfriend wanting to come over. I spent the evening watching a movie and I had a great time on my own. Perhaps, this is a sign that I am detaching and ready to move on. I am not ready to break up, as it is right before Christmas. I think, I would like to break up after Christmas though.
Thank you!
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