grrl77

I've been doing so good. Ex-ahbf shot me an instant message the other night, and I closed the window before I could give it a second thought. I've sat here, for the last few weeks, feeling so confident, closing that window was almost empowering! So wtf happened last night?

I'm trying to analyze my thoughts last night. I guess I was feeling kind of lonely, which prompted random memories of good times we had together, which lead to me shooting him a message sending him a *hug* to which a conversation ensued - not a bad one at all. It wasn't the usual angry fight we wind up in. Just a hey how's it going, oh same ol', exchanged a few music links, and then he kinda stopped talking.

Here's the really embarassing lamearse part though. So I'm laying in bed, and I shoot him a couple of suggestive text messages. No response back. He could have been asleep, he could have just been ignoring, it doesn't even matter.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I'm so angry with myself right now. He's drunk. I know he's drunk. Why am I shooting him the kinds of texts that I know reel him into wanting to be naughty?! I'm not even doing it with an ill-intention though, that's the thing. I just miss him, I miss what we used to have, and that sounds so damn selfish. It's just like an old routine or habit, you miss the comfort of it or something; I certainly don't miss who he is now, but for some reason, when we don't argue or have just normal convo, it reminds me of what used to be - because we're not fighting. And it's like I kind of put the reality of the situation on the back burner.

I know I should go easy on myself, but I woke up this morning, wanting to shoot him an "I'm sorry for last night." e-mail which would just be weird and result in nothing. I just feel disgusted with myself, pretty ashamed, and just... weak, I guess. I thought I had a firm handle on things, then last night happened. Bleh.

soberinwpg

There are a few things that make me "stupid". Boys and booze are pretty much right at the top of my list.
I hear ya. Don't beat yourself up. I can only speak for myself but it amazes me how when I'm home alone and sometimes in a pity party, I think of only the good times I had. I forget the reality of the situation. Boys make me feel better and booze makes me feel better when the truth of it is, not anymore.

transformyself

Ah, the high of hope followed by humiliation. I'm afraid to say "I did that dance for so long" because I'm still afraid it will happen again!

Please, try to be kind to yourself. Yes, analyze and try to see what your trigger was. But you know, today is a new day. You can make different choices and get yourself back on track.

And, if contacts you again, don't respond.

What are you going to do today to make yourself feel better? I say.... CHOCOLATE!!

grrl77

Well, later, I'm going to see a movie with friends which will be fun. Might work out. That always relieves stress and clears my head. It's just so disappointing. But the worst that grates on me the most? He's like the "smart drunk." HE'S told me this stuff. "You know how I am when I'm drunk, I'm the drunk you should run away from, yet you refuse." That actually came from his mouth. Him schooling me on what I should do with him and the situation, heh. "I'm no good to you," he says. My immediate reaction is one of anger -I dont need the drunk guy telling me this! :P then it's, wow, dude. so what, you wanna continue being "not good" for people? When is it going to be enough for you to give it a go on quitting? And then I'm wrapped all up in it again, angry, sad, you know the deal...

The thought that's flowing through my head right now is one of, "He probably thinks I'm preying on him or something, waiting til he's drunk to hit on him. How does that make me look to HIM? He probably has zero respect for me, he probably thinks I have no self esteem..." I should really look at what's going on when this happens, in my head, some more. It just comes down to me missing him. Missing who I used to know. Wondering if he's ever gonna come back around.

I mean, some of my friends who've never been there, can't see it. You know? They're just like WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! And all I got is, "I'm in love w/ the man buried inside that mess, because underneath it all, is the guy I fell for. He's a good soul with a bad problem." And nobody gets it unless they've been here. You guys are my lifeline. xxoo

bookwyrm

I've recognised that the man I fell in love with just isn't there anymore. He isn't hiding under STBXAH's alcohol problem. He is gone - if he was ever really there to begin with...

Its at times like these I need to re read the sticky section - specifically: The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Potential) Am I missing the real him or who I thought he was/could be?

It's hard feeling lonely but its harder living with an active acloholic IMHO...

LaTeeDa

This is the denial of codependence. We know who they are (alcoholic), but we think somehow through something we say or do, or even through the sheer magic of the universe, they will somehow become who we want them to be. And even though the chances of that happening are probably less than the chances of winning the lottery, we continue on our minds mission to 'excavate' the nice guy we just know is hiding under there somewhere. And, in the process, two lives get lost to alcohol instead of one.........

L

honoryourself

grrl I'm kinda where you are right now. It's a lonely week and I keep thinking I might get a shred of comfort from a hug from my AH, talking to him some, we do little nice things for each other right now... We've mentioned divorce, I've spoken to a lawyer when things were messier at home. I still plan to go through with it, but it's hard and I haven't got the guts to sit down and say lets work on a separation plan just yet. I am scared about us not living together anymore.. not seeing him every day as I have for 4 years.. not being around my puppy that has been with us since we got together 4 years ago! technically his though, he got it while I was away for a week. Lots of things I'll miss. I keep trying to remind myself that this is like any other breakup I've been through, but worse. That there will be lots of sad and lonely times. But I have started trying to journal more / look back over old posts to remind myself that just because he looks like the man I fell in love with doesn't mean that he is the man I should continue trying to love.

ItsmeAlice

I like to get to the root of what starts the trip down the codepedence rabbit hole...

feeling kind of lonely, which prompted random memories of good times we had together

I like to use the basic principles to feed my needs. HALT

Hunger

Anger

Lonely

Tired

Once I discovered that all of these needs can be met without involving my XABF and his addiction, I found it easier to break the cycle of my codie ways.

Lonliness was a big hurdle, but I found a big part of my lonliness was actually living with someone who really didn't want my company. He was always escaping me rather than sharing things with me. It created more of a void than having noone at all.

Don't be angry with yourself for too long, that's less productive than being determined and resolved to fix the mistakes you see yourself making.

Best to you!

Alice

FindingPeace1

One day at a time. When you find yourself looking back...turn around and start marching forward again. The universe gives you infinite chances to take care of yourself. Just like its giving him.

TakingCharge999

grrl, after living the worst moments ever... I came back from a weekend out where I felt miserable ALL THE TIME just after the breakup... to find him... he looked sad... and he smiled and hugged me and I told him "we shouldn't be hugging" well of course we slept together. I knew it was our last time.

The best part is that ... I have gone way lower than this. That is nothing compared to what I have done, ashamed of myself, just for some sort of "love".

Cut yourself some slack, you see, feeling bad about it is VERY GOOD SIGN .. I would be worried if you felt it was ok... but you are learning when you are not respecting yourself.... that is a priceless lesson. It will help you not to do it again...

Can't you block him from MSN? it killed me when I saw XABF online and knew he COULD contact me but didn't... so when I blocked him I also felt empowered and that it was no longer up to him to contact me or not, I CHOSE to be away...

You can do this...breakups and mourning suck..but they prepare you for something better...!

Chrysalis123

I discovered that I had an addiction too. It was to him and all the drama swirling around the relationship. It was easier and safer for me( I thought) to stay in the dance with him then to pull back and begin the hard and painful job at looking at me.

I had to hit a bottom too. I had to reach the point where I was done. Then I began my journey of healing myself. I sturggled with the "addiction" to him for a couple of years after my bottom. It took a lot of effort, counseling, reaching out, and educating myself to break free and I had a lot of slips too. But each slip was part of my journey and my process, and I would try to not beat myself up over them.

I take it day by day...I have gotten so much better.

grrl77

Well I wound up doing something for me - not him. Some may not agree with this, but I e-mailed him at work, where I know he'd be sober, and simply said the following:

I wanted to apologize for the inappropriate text messages I sent last night. I regret sending them. The last three months of my life have been very difficult, but I'm trying to better things the best I can and ran into a moment of weakness.

Jenn

****

I think the best part is, I a.) don't care if he replies back, I apologized because *I* felt bad about and felt like to gain peace from it, I needed to say something. In fact, I know he won't write back. b.) I feel like by doing so, it's made me take a step forward. He doesn't need to know what I'm going through, only that I felt by sending the messages that I did was a mistake and I regreted them.

I guess that's just it. One day at a time. There's times, though, that I catch myself wanting to catch him sober, and just *tell him*, hey. I'd like to talk to you and hang out with you when you're sober, because when you're drunk, you turn into this other person I don't really want to know. I've never actually done that with him before. I guess in reality, I should just.. stay away. But it helps me when I explain why I'm doing what I'm doing - for myself, and so the other person has a clue. I don't really care if they agree or not, that's not the point. The point is, here's me controlling the situation, I am choosing to do x, y, z. Do with that what you will, kind of thing. Know what I mean?

addictlover

I as well go through this poopy mess for lack of a better word. I feel like I am strong when I refuse to put up with the drinking--for instance I leave the room, or the house or concentrate on other things (like this ) but it never seems to fail--I will end of texting him or going up to him asking him if he is mad at me, or soemthing.

I know I love the person I first met and every time I apologize or try to care it is like I am looking for any semblance of the love we once had.

Dreamer42long

grrl77: Like everyone else said above, don't beat yourself up. Remember me last week when I made an absolute fool of myself by going to my abf's house to see why he was blowing me off for Thanksgiving and we ended up having a HUGE fight? It was a total waste of time, I wish I didn't do it and Man! Did I feel like a sap!

But just like everyone (including you, thank you) told me then, we have to take these things one day at a time, just kinda like (we wish) they would do.