honoryourself

I have a question for those of you who have moved on, past their dramatic relationships..

I guess this is closely related to recovery as a codependent, but I will ask anyway...

I feel like all my life I have created drama and stress in my life-- stress over being the perfect student, being popular with friends, doing things first, being the best, getting a high paying prestigious job (then I gave up on that, and traveled, so I took one baby step away from it!), but that in my relationships with men I seem to seek out the drama as well.

If there isn't a ton of passion mixed with a ton of fire, heated arguments and disagreements, what is there?

I mean, I'm not saying I have nothing in myself.. there are plenty of things I enjoy doing, and no I wouldn't put drama at the top of the list.

But I guess I'm looking for personal experiences--how you moved away , or if you didn't, what's happening now, in new relationships and life experiences. I'm afraid that once I am away from this drama there will be a hole that I'll be looking to fill and might feel bored or disinterested in anything less stimulating. In some ways it makes me feel dead and in other ways alive..

Gosh, what an ill-articulated post. Maybe you guys understand what I'm trying to say, maybe not. Sorry, I thought it would come out clearer. haha.

I guess I'm just saying--people who like the crazy highs and crazy lows.. is there a way out of that? Is there happiness with serenity or does it get boring?? What happens if I start to gravitate towards stress and fighting to survive again, when I could so easily just take it easy and coast? What work did you have to do to give yourself a break you deserved? I want fun, exciting, spontaneous adventures, etc., but not the negative side of things. But maybe my subconscious wants the negative, if nothing else.

roxiestone

I have no answers, but am interested in others responses as well.

LucyA

I didn't actually move away from the drama, but it is no longer a part of my life.
My brother died and the drama ended. There's definately a big hole and something missing in my life, but it definately isn't the drama.
There's a great life to be had without drama, and it can still be exciting and fun.
I'm rediscovering my own life, and my life with my boys, getting back into things I put on hold for years without realising I actually had, and finding new things, because to be honest, there's nothing to stop me now. (I know, there wasn't before!)
Life is good without too much drama, Oh,I still have little dramas, I have 3 boys so I expect the odd performance here and there, but I've learned new ways of reacting to those too, or rather not reacting.
A drama queen or king needs an audience and it's not going to be me again.

I'm not 100% sure I got what you meant, but that's my view on drama anyway

sb0804

I personally hate drama but I have grown so used to drama/upheaval being part of my life it has taken me some time to learn to live without it.

My soon to be XAW always seemed to drum up some drama that somehow affected all of us. Now that we are no longer under the same roof I am starting to realize that life without drama is pretty cool! there will always be drama in some shape or form in my life, but I realize now that it is so much easier to deal with the little things in life without the chaotic alcoholic lifestyle making it 1000% worse.

Peace and serenity is a wonderful thing.

MissFixit

I had a disorganized chaotic childhood. I hated it. I hate chaos as an adult. However, when things are messy, I understand how to prioritze and clean them up. When things are organized, I struggle.

SO, what to do now. I am structuring my life in a new fashion with only people, things and events that are of interest to me and worthy of attention. If someone or something is less than my standard for acceptable behavior, I distance myself...quickly. This is new for me as I used to make excuses and give multiple chances. Not now. I am tired of life not working out so I am trying to create an environment where I am in control of me and I am surrounded by healthy folks. Boundaries are needed and enforced, but healthy folks tend to respect boundaries as they too have them.

JenT1968

I suffer from anxiety, specifically in social situations (i.e. any social situations when it's bad) and as part of that I experience, interpret and percieve the mundane as intense drama.

(I'm not saying this causes me to seek it out/create it)

I know I *used* to think nice men were boring, I liked an edge, I was "addicted" to the highs (and lows) of a dramatic relationship.

My childhood was full of drama, my therapist said that people are comfortable with what they know, the familiar, even if it hurts them: I'm not sure I buy that as a complete explanation but hey ho what do I know?

I'm not comfortable with it now, but its all I know, I don't want to seek it out or create it any more, but not sure where to go from there as I'm in a time of change and that always tips me closer to anxiety (which you might call drama generation).

My life is still 1000% better than it was this time last year though, and for that I am very grateful.

honoryourself

Thanks everyone for the responses. What I'm reading mostly is no one likes drama! I suppose if/when I get out of this I would say the same thing, at least that's what I'm saying I want, is peace and serenity and fun w/o the drama. However I'm guessing there's an intrinsic part of me that sought it out in order to keep life fast-paced and intense like I "was used to", so says different schools of psychology...

So I am surprised no one else chimed in really with a "I think I looked for crazy" or "I accepted crazy in my life" but maybe what it means is that in a few months I'll be saying the same thing.

I never thought I liked drama. If you'd asked me "are you a drama queen?" or "do you like drama in your life?" I would never have said yes, until after maybe this year thinking back over my life, in retrospect it seems I do.

But maybe I've gotten a life-dose full of the bad kind and I'll know how to seek out the good exciting stuff instead of the bad exciting stuff.

megan09

Read 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. It was me in that book.

honoryourself

I'll have to look into it. Someone on FB reminded me of paulo cohelo's book the Alchemist. I read it a lot while traveling and did some reflecting, so I went and bought some of his other books, as well as that one to revisit.

I feel like I've been doing a ton of reading about codependency and alcoholism, maybe a different type of book would be a good change.

I'll put that one on my reading list though.

MissFixit

For me I don't like drama or chaos, I understand it in a weird way. I know how to navigate in it. You cannot take the time to deal with the hard issues when you are surrounded by chaos. When you are alone and there is no drama to distract you, then you are faced with only yourself.

Learn2Live

Quote:

I guess I'm just saying--people who like the crazy highs and crazy lows.. is there a way out of that? Is there happiness with serenity or does it get boring?? What happens if I start to gravitate towards stress and fighting to survive again, when I could so easily just take it easy and coast? What work did you have to do to give yourself a break you deserved? I want fun, exciting, spontaneous adventures, etc., but not the negative side of things. But maybe my subconscious wants the negative, if nothing else.

I've got lots of experience working thru what you are talking about so I understand why you think your post doesn't quite sound "right" ... it's difficult to articulate what you're trying to get at, isn't it? Because you can't quite put your finger on EXACTLY what you mean by drama? bad? negative?

The way I read it, we tend to attribute lots of things associated with our lives to the alcohol, the alcoholic, the drug, the addiction, the addict, the disease, etc. But remember that, as with most things in life, there is not just one single explanation for each "thing" or every "problem" that pops up. What you may define as "drama" and think is drama related to the disease of addiction, is likely more an amalgamation of things, including addiction, especially when you are talking about interpersonal relationships:

There are just so many variables in relationships: MY baggage, YOUR baggage, MY addictions and recovery, YOUR addictions and recovery, MY mental health issues, YOUR mental health issues, MY choices, YOUR choices, etc.

So for me, in my Recovery, I only BEGAN with working on codependency and codependent thinking and behaving. That got me OUT of the codependent relationship I was in and AWAY from the drama of THAT situation. But that is not the only place drama exists. So I did not stop there. That's where working on YOU and YOUR LIFE and YOUR FUTURE comes into play. If you change nothing about YOURSELF, if you just think, "Oh, the problem is OTHER PEOPLE, and as long as I stay away from addix and alcoholix, everything in my life will be great" then you are in for a big surprise. Alcoholics and Addicts are not the only people in the world who have unhealthy ways of thinking, acting, and behaving. EVERYBODY is messed up in some way or another. But your life is a journey and it is CONTINUOUS until you die. So you have to re-invent yourself all the time, change things up, keep looking inside and keep striving.

I LOOOOOOOVE crazy highs and deep, dark lows. If I had it my way, I'd be MANIC a week, crazy like a fox, up all night, laughing and joking, music blaring, driving around at 90MPH, sober or not. Then, the next week, dull and depressed, balling my eyes out, sleeping all day and all night and talking to NO ONE. If I had it my way, nothing else would matter and I could just keep going like this, cycling over and over how ever often I want. But that does not work for the rest of the world for the most part (other than for other people who are just like me) and it does not allow for a good quality of life or being able to maintain a good job and support myself. So, I adjust. I learn as much as I can about myself. I read articles on how to naturally adjust my lifestyle and environment so that I can be more productive and healthy in life. I accept help from a doctor and I trust, I let go, I have faith, and when they tell me to take an antidepressant, I take it. And I step back and watch my life change. Things become clearer. And the clearer things get, the more I learn, the more serene and happy my life becomes.

Then they tell me I am bipolar. I take the medicine. I suffer thru it. and after a year of it, I see how my life has been affected by it, and I realize, this is not the kind of life I want. The way I feel, the way I act, and the way my life is NOW, compared to how it was WITHOUT this particular medicine, is not better, is not healthier. I get feedback from trusted family and friends and they agree. So I demand to be taken off of it. I make my own decisions about my health and my life and what I'm going to put in my body, and I move on and look for the next thing. It doesn't matter what someone wants to CALL it, if it doesn't make my life healthier, more serene, more manageable, I move on to the next thing that MIGHT.

Of course there is happiness in serenity but of course things get boring too. But bored and happy are not opposites. You can be serene and be bored. You can be happy and be bored. But you can be crazy and bored too. You have to be self-regulating. If you feel yourself gravitating toward stress and fighting again, you have to be able to recognize that by YOURSELF, or you must have a reliable alarm and support system, such as I have built with a few trusted friends who know me well and see me almost daily (co-workers), to alert you to what is going on with you and who will guide you in the "right" direction.

When you've calmed yourself to a healthy level; When you've worked on yourself and accomplished things so that you can live a comfortable life; When you've established a routine for your life and can maintain boundaries and peace; When you know what you need to do to protect your peace and serenity; Life gives you opportunities to find the kinds of people, places, and things that CAN bring you fun, excitement, spontanaeity, adventure, etc, WITHOUT the "bad." But this is all practice. There is a healthy combination of everything out there for you to find peace and serenity, along with fun and excitement. But let me assure you, that combination will NEVER include any person, place, or thing associated with drug or alcohol use. Those combinations have been tested for centuries and we already know this to be true.

No, I do not think your "subconscious" wants the negative side of things. We may gravitate to the bad, we may keep going back to pain and suffering, but no, we are not meant to live continuously in pain and suffering and bad. We are meant to walk through it and come out the other end, changed, more enlightened, more ready for the next great thing to come.

Peace.

Lilyflower

I honestly believe there is a social gravitation to passionate adventurous relationships going hand in hand with arguments, friction etc.

I also believe this is fueled by the media and TV; the classic tragic love story comes through in the end scenario. Heck who hasn't heard (or potentially experienced) how good ''make up sex'' is?? Drilled into our heads is the whole idea of 'yeah arguments are bad, but when you make up again...' (It can, incidentally and in context to other manipulative means, be a method of control and mental 'entrapment' for sex to be used as a resolution to arguments).

This is however a misconception. A loving relationship can have excitement, passion and adventure totally bypassing the whole drama side. If personally such a relationship has never been experienced then this has to be taken on face value - granted.

Since I split with my ex almost 3 years ago I have not entered a new relationship; however I am on a journey of discovery about myself and people.

I have not missed any of the drama; in fact after my relationship ended (and a big reason as to why I am not in another) I began to realise how much of a toll the drama I experienced has traumatised me and left their mental and emotional scars. Initially I had nightmares and suffered post traumatic stress as my mind and body began to feel relaxed enough to wind down from constant hyper-vigilence. I am still processing what happened to me and acknowledging that alot of what happened was abuse.

My free time has become full because I choose to spend it working on me and enjoying my life; I'm getting to know who I am and liking her. I go to college, socialise with friends and read alot of recovery material. The more I learn the more I know I will never 'gravitate' towards that kind of relationship dynamic again; I have now learnt what the warning signs are and to listen to myself in when it is time to say enough. Something I never had in me before.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

I think this is very common in alcoholic/codependent relationships. So common, that on one of the very first visits to my therapist, she asked me if my life was like this--and she held up a "graph" of sorts that looked the the richter scale of a large earthquake. I said yes, how did you know?

Then she explained to me that we were going to try to work toward smoothing out some of those peaks and valleys. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. I had the same fears you do. But, the goal is not to flatten the line and make everything mundane. The goal is to temper the intensity of the extremes. There is still plenty of good and bad in my life, but I no longer feel like I am blasting off into space, or hurtling toward earth at 10,000 miles per hour.

It's almost as hard to articulate as your original question, but I feel much more stable now. I still have highs and lows, but neither of them knock the wind out of me anymore.

L

TakingCharge999

Drama for me also meant DISORDER, disorder at home, during my day, in my ideas, tons of different voices, no control of my feelings and no sense of where I was going....

It is funny when you start having a sense of direction or getting a clearer idea of how you'd like your life to be like...suddenly you can't stand disorder in other areas...

After the breakup I joined theater lessons... very freeing and there, it is a plus to be as dramatic as possible LOL! I love art because to take a feeling or event to the extreme is expected and valued... and in theater.. you can be whoever or whatever... there was an exercise to prepare a character so the teacher and others could interview him or her, and I bought a black jacket, glasses, ipod etc and acted like my ex... IT WAS THERAPEUTIC!! not giving a damn, feeling like God and that only I mattered in this world...

Sometimes I come to work dressed like him and with "his" gadgets just for fun LOL.

Hope you find your way too...I noticed in your post you worry about the future but for many of us it is just ONE DAY AT A TIME... one hour at a time... just today, just this hour.. what gives YOU peace? then do it...

:ghug3

intheknow

I always said that I hated drama, wanted to be nowhere near it, and could not/would not tolerate it.

Guess what? I had a heck of a lot of drama in my life for someone who didn't like it that much. I have no answers to your questions, but I do know that I am trying to figure out why I was always in the middle of it.

One thing I have figured out about myself is that for some reason, I always liked to share the negative things that happen. I don't know if it was sympathy I was looking for or what, I just noticed one night around friends that I kept leaning towards saying the negative things that were happening, instead of the good things.

Looking forward to the responses on this thread.

honoryourself

Everyone here is so great, I really enjoyed reading the responses! Thanks so much!

Wish I had time to respond to them all but I think each of you hit on at least a piece of what I was asking/saying.

Something odd I've noticed about myself is what I call the yin-yang trait.. it seems like if my partner is being very negative, I feel the need to contradict them and balance the scales by acting overly positive. If they are positive about something, I throw in some criticisms in the guise of 'a reality check' to even it back out. Does anyone else notice they do this? I dated a guy who was almost all highs, and I felt SO NEGATIVE around him, maybe it's just the principle of juxtaposition.. but I couldn't stop. It just bugged me. Then when I'm around my AH and he's being negative, I overcompensate the opposite way. AH can be positive or negative depending on the day (usually picks the one that has the worst consequences!!) and I contradict.

I'm trying not to do that but I've always wondered what my problem is with this.

And no, I'm not a libra! haha.

Lilyflower

Sounds like a case of 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'. I think due to experiences in the relationships we have that bring us to this site; the feeling lingers that if all is good, the crap is about to hit the fan. I know this was true in my relationship!

Plus for me, my partner was very abusive so he would treat me very poorly, bring me right down and then would act like all was rosey, especially around family and visitors, it made me consistantly feel like something was wrong with me and I was over reacting. I would feel as though I was the sour faced one and force myself to cheer up and relax. Sucked back into thinking everything is on the up and then he would act out toward me again. Instantly I was mentally smacked around the face with shock and hit bottom again.

That was were my peaks and troughs came from, each time getting lower until I got out of it.

I never knew where I stood and he liked it that way. I now know that this was his game, he deflected everything about what was happening around me to seem like everything was my fault or consequence; so much so that for a long time I questioned myself and not his alcoholism or value system.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

pray4joy

After 57 years of drama I'm just plain exhausted!