Don't know what to believe anymore...
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Don't know what to believe anymore...
Here continues the saga of my custody argument with XAH:
We had another visit this Sunday. It was supposed to be unsupervised, and XH claimed he would not be drinking in the 12 hour prior to the visit, nor would there be alcohol in the apartment. I arrived at 10h00, as per our agreement, and I have to say, the pigsty was pretty spotless when I got there. My stepson's bedroom was messy, but it was off-limits. Aside from that, the kitchen was tidy and clean, the living room as well. XAH had food prepared for DD, and though he had to be reminded, he jumped at the chance to change her diaper.
There were no beer cans anywhere to be found (I checked), but there were two bottles of wine in the fridge. I asked about this, only because XAH was the one who proposed that there would be no alcohol in the apartment, and he claimed that since I was there supervising anyhow, he didn't want to get rid of the wine that his friends gave him. Hmmm.
Aside from that, our visit went well. XAH was the one who suggested I take DD home because she was getting whiny around 12h20. He wanted to "talk" about the custody stuff, which really made me uneasy, because he always ends up "winning" the arguments (he's a wiz at arguing me into the ground). Basically, he says that seeing his child only 6 hours a week isn't "acceptable", and that since I chose to move away from his place, I have to compensate by taking DD back and forth to him (I have access to a car and he doesn't). Mind you, I won't be living at my parents' forever, just until the lease on XAH's apartment is up next July. But until then, *he* wants to see DD either 3 evenings a week for short visits and once on a week-end for a longer visit, OR once a week for a short evening visit and 1 day-long week-end visit. The latter involves him getting DD unsupervised for almost an entire day AND he doesn't know how to put her to sleep. The former means a lot of travel for me and disruption in DD's weekly schedule, but she would only be with him unsupervised for short periods of time.
After our mediation appointment, I thought that we were making headway. I still don't want to agree to shared custody, but I also don't want unsupervised visitation for long periods of time. XAH says that the only way he's ACCEPT not getting shared custody is if I make sure DD sees him regularly. In our conversation yesterday, he expressed concerns that my "next boyfriend" would usurp his place as a father, since he doesn't get to see DD a lot. I know he feels threatened and I know that if I lived closer to him this would all be a lot easier. Visitation could be a casual thing and I wouldn't have to fight him to get sole custody with him only getting access rights.
When I discuss this situation with my parents, they become...incensed. My father started writing down a list of things that need to happen in order for me to get sole custody. My mom is just...very stern when she discusses XAH, and I get the feeling that they just don't agree with what I'm trying to do. They even offered to help me "run away with DD" if that's what I want, which it isn't.
So I'm stumped again. On one hand, I have XAH and the mediator telling me I need to make concessions for the custody agreement to work, and that even if we did go to court, the best I could get would be a court order for XAH not to drink when he has DD. We'd still have to do regular visitation, though I dont know at what rate, and I don't know that I'd get unsupervised visitation. I also have XAH telling me that if we go to court, he'll go for sole custody of DD, which frightens me a bit. On the other hand, I have my parents, and to a certain extent, the nice people here at SR, telling me that XAH is al alcoholic, that he can't and won't stop drinking for DD, and that I need to use everything at my disposal to take him to court and win sole custody of DD.
I honestly feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to think, what to believe, or what to do. I feel as though I need a fresh perspective on the situation but I don't know where to find it. I guess I could keep going the way things are and then if XAH becomes more demanding or if he messes up, I could serve him with papers. Right now, he's not paying any child support and he is still using furniture that legally is mine. I don't really care that much, but I realize that this would be an issue should divorce papers be served.
HELP! My brain is all tangled!!
We had another visit this Sunday. It was supposed to be unsupervised, and XH claimed he would not be drinking in the 12 hour prior to the visit, nor would there be alcohol in the apartment. I arrived at 10h00, as per our agreement, and I have to say, the pigsty was pretty spotless when I got there. My stepson's bedroom was messy, but it was off-limits. Aside from that, the kitchen was tidy and clean, the living room as well. XAH had food prepared for DD, and though he had to be reminded, he jumped at the chance to change her diaper.
There were no beer cans anywhere to be found (I checked), but there were two bottles of wine in the fridge. I asked about this, only because XAH was the one who proposed that there would be no alcohol in the apartment, and he claimed that since I was there supervising anyhow, he didn't want to get rid of the wine that his friends gave him. Hmmm.
Aside from that, our visit went well. XAH was the one who suggested I take DD home because she was getting whiny around 12h20. He wanted to "talk" about the custody stuff, which really made me uneasy, because he always ends up "winning" the arguments (he's a wiz at arguing me into the ground). Basically, he says that seeing his child only 6 hours a week isn't "acceptable", and that since I chose to move away from his place, I have to compensate by taking DD back and forth to him (I have access to a car and he doesn't). Mind you, I won't be living at my parents' forever, just until the lease on XAH's apartment is up next July. But until then, *he* wants to see DD either 3 evenings a week for short visits and once on a week-end for a longer visit, OR once a week for a short evening visit and 1 day-long week-end visit. The latter involves him getting DD unsupervised for almost an entire day AND he doesn't know how to put her to sleep. The former means a lot of travel for me and disruption in DD's weekly schedule, but she would only be with him unsupervised for short periods of time.
After our mediation appointment, I thought that we were making headway. I still don't want to agree to shared custody, but I also don't want unsupervised visitation for long periods of time. XAH says that the only way he's ACCEPT not getting shared custody is if I make sure DD sees him regularly. In our conversation yesterday, he expressed concerns that my "next boyfriend" would usurp his place as a father, since he doesn't get to see DD a lot. I know he feels threatened and I know that if I lived closer to him this would all be a lot easier. Visitation could be a casual thing and I wouldn't have to fight him to get sole custody with him only getting access rights.
When I discuss this situation with my parents, they become...incensed. My father started writing down a list of things that need to happen in order for me to get sole custody. My mom is just...very stern when she discusses XAH, and I get the feeling that they just don't agree with what I'm trying to do. They even offered to help me "run away with DD" if that's what I want, which it isn't.
So I'm stumped again. On one hand, I have XAH and the mediator telling me I need to make concessions for the custody agreement to work, and that even if we did go to court, the best I could get would be a court order for XAH not to drink when he has DD. We'd still have to do regular visitation, though I dont know at what rate, and I don't know that I'd get unsupervised visitation. I also have XAH telling me that if we go to court, he'll go for sole custody of DD, which frightens me a bit. On the other hand, I have my parents, and to a certain extent, the nice people here at SR, telling me that XAH is al alcoholic, that he can't and won't stop drinking for DD, and that I need to use everything at my disposal to take him to court and win sole custody of DD.
I honestly feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to think, what to believe, or what to do. I feel as though I need a fresh perspective on the situation but I don't know where to find it. I guess I could keep going the way things are and then if XAH becomes more demanding or if he messes up, I could serve him with papers. Right now, he's not paying any child support and he is still using furniture that legally is mine. I don't really care that much, but I realize that this would be an issue should divorce papers be served.
HELP! My brain is all tangled!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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I can see that you get confused by his words. You want to believe what he says.
He says you need to be more flexible with visitation and bend over backwards to accomodate him because you chose to move away. You chose to move away BECAUSE he chose to drink and drink and drink and drink. His choice = his consequence.
Take Plan B to your mediator:
OR once a week for a short evening visit and 1 day-long week-end visit. The latter involves him getting DD unsupervised for almost an entire day AND he doesn't know how to put her to sleep.
He'll learn to put her to sleep or quit asking you to let her stay so long.
He says you need to be more flexible with visitation and bend over backwards to accomodate him because you chose to move away. You chose to move away BECAUSE he chose to drink and drink and drink and drink. His choice = his consequence.
Take Plan B to your mediator:
OR once a week for a short evening visit and 1 day-long week-end visit. The latter involves him getting DD unsupervised for almost an entire day AND he doesn't know how to put her to sleep.
He'll learn to put her to sleep or quit asking you to let her stay so long.
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Originally Posted by Pelican 
I can see that you get confused by his words. You want to believe what he says.
He says you need to be more flexible with visitation and bend over backwards to accomodate him because you chose to move away. You chose to move away BECAUSE he chose to drink and drink and drink and drink. His choice = his consequence.
Take Plan B to your mediator:
OR once a week for a short evening visit and 1 day-long week-end visit. The latter involves him getting DD unsupervised for almost an entire day AND he doesn't know how to put her to sleep.
He'll learn to put her to sleep or quit asking you to let her stay so long.
He says you need to be more flexible with visitation and bend over backwards to accomodate him because you chose to move away. You chose to move away BECAUSE he chose to drink and drink and drink and drink. His choice = his consequence.
Take Plan B to your mediator:
OR once a week for a short evening visit and 1 day-long week-end visit. The latter involves him getting DD unsupervised for almost an entire day AND he doesn't know how to put her to sleep.
He'll learn to put her to sleep or quit asking you to let her stay so long.
When I speak to him, he *does* confuse me and I forget what a horrible person he was to me. I guess I still delude myself into thinking that he's a normal guy that I am divorcing cause we just don't get along.
As for the visitation, what if I leave DD there and she has a horrible time and isn't able to sleep? I was supposed to go for a tango lesson that day but now I'm wondering if I should just sit at the coffee shop close by and wait for disaster to strike (DD never falls asleep on her own without the breast or without being driven in a car).
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good luck with all of this, I keep lulling myself into some fantasy where I believe I can have calm rational discusions about matters to do with our seperation, it hasn't happened yet, and often I get confused when talking with tbxAH because of his completely different recollection of our relationship and issues, I am dreading the contact stuff.
no ES&H just best wishes
no ES&H just best wishes
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Originally Posted by JenT1968
good luck with all of this, I keep lulling myself into some fantasy where I believe I can have calm rational discusions about matters to do with our seperation,
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I let the lawyer totally do it. If it is fair there is nothing to argue about. Maybe she shouldn't spend the night until she is older and falls asleep on her own. The boundaries were not respected about wine in the frig.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
As for the visitation, what if I leave DD there and she has a horrible time and isn't able to sleep? ).
Your AH may turn out to be a great dad when he parents solo. With you around during the visitation, he may be distracted by your beauty or he may fall back into old patterns of letting you handle everything. I have no idea how it will turn out. In my life, I have two ex husbands. I have children with both. Ex #1 is a great dad. Ex #2 sucks at parenting. Ex #1 takes my child from marriage to Ex #2 during visitation so she doesn't have to split up with her siblings. We've been doing that since she was 5.
I just picked up my babies from their Thanksgiving with dad #1 and then a trip to older sisters. They are 13 and 17 now, and I missed them!
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Originally Posted by Pelican
That will be hard. I think that may be harder than going no contact with your AH. I have three children and it does not get easier with each child - seperation from momma.
Originally Posted by Pelican
With you around during the visitation, he may be distracted by your beauty
That was good Pelican. Thanks. Now my boss wonders why I sit at my desk laughing like a moron.
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I hate to subject my daughter to any kind of trauma/games for the sake of her father's ego,
Realistically, he's not going to be the father she deserves. You have no control over that. he is who he is and don't expect him to miraculously change.
Please go to your tango class and see how it goes. You could really use the break.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Hugs mom. Your daughter is not going to be traumatized if she doesn't get to nurse to sleep for one night or if she stays up past her bedtime. She's going to eventually have to ween anyway. And if you aren't ready to push the whole issue with the mediator or the attorney about your concerns over his neglect of your daughter, then this is what you are left with. It's hard but you are probably going to have to adjust to this type of a situation because he is not going to give you what you want without a fight. That means YOU are either have to fight or give in to his psychotic demands.
Realistically, he's not going to be the father she deserves. You have no control over that. he is who he is and don't expect him to miraculously change.
Please go to your tango class and see how it goes. You could really use the break.
Realistically, he's not going to be the father she deserves. You have no control over that. he is who he is and don't expect him to miraculously change.
Please go to your tango class and see how it goes. You could really use the break.
You're right. I'll definitely go back to tango. It is like a lover who is always happy to see me return and soothes me in a gentle embrace.
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Your response made ME cry! Is that silly? :-)
I've been where you are. Don't worry mom. Stay strong. Make wise choices about the things you can control and put everything else in the hands of a Higher Power. Whether that is God or the universe or whatever.
This will all work out and your daughter will be fine. Kids are resilient. She really just needs one parent who is looking out for her best interest and loves her more than anything in this world. And she has that in you.
Everything is going to be ok. (((hugs)))
I've been where you are. Don't worry mom. Stay strong. Make wise choices about the things you can control and put everything else in the hands of a Higher Power. Whether that is God or the universe or whatever.
This will all work out and your daughter will be fine. Kids are resilient. She really just needs one parent who is looking out for her best interest and loves her more than anything in this world. And she has that in you.
Everything is going to be ok. (((hugs)))
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Sounds like when you are there he sets up these demands to you and it seems like a game. I say this because you were leaving 2 hr and 20min after getting there at 10 and since she was whiney. I will tell you if you leave her to him alone he won't be demanding so much time with her. You may win in the long run. If he feels its too much duty to take care of his child then he will not fight to have her so much. You being there coddling him in his parenting role he is getting off easy street. JMO
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Trying2beme...I think you're right. I think I may well have to try leaving DD alone with her dad for a day, step back and let HP take care of my baby girl. I do hope she'll be alright with him, but then again, if it all goes awry, then he may reconsider taking her for long periods, and if it goes well, then great for her and great for me. I feel selfish in thinking this, but I could use a day off once in a while.
Hello-kitty ...you're aweomse. Just plain awesome.
Hello-kitty ...you're aweomse. Just plain awesome.
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This is one of those moments where you put something you love in the hands of a higher power.
If you leave her for the day with him, I would think he would have something to prove about himself that he can stay off the booze and be SuperDad and keep his daughter content for the day. I have faith that it is unlikely that he's going to muck up the all day visitation the first go at it. What I do think will happen is that he will survive the day and either crumble after you pick her up from the stress of looking after DD and avoid further Daddy days and argue you set him up in some way....OR....it will go well and he may just be pacified by the experience and stop putting so much pressure on you to make this all happen for him.
I can't post without saying that his sense of entitlement irritates the cr*p out of me. All this "bring her to me," "take her away she's whiny" BS and his taking advantage of you being alone with him to work you over just chaps my a**. Ok, sorry, that just fell out.
Hang in there. You can do this. You can do this. (I chant this about every hour these days)
Alice
If you leave her for the day with him, I would think he would have something to prove about himself that he can stay off the booze and be SuperDad and keep his daughter content for the day. I have faith that it is unlikely that he's going to muck up the all day visitation the first go at it. What I do think will happen is that he will survive the day and either crumble after you pick her up from the stress of looking after DD and avoid further Daddy days and argue you set him up in some way....OR....it will go well and he may just be pacified by the experience and stop putting so much pressure on you to make this all happen for him.
I can't post without saying that his sense of entitlement irritates the cr*p out of me. All this "bring her to me," "take her away she's whiny" BS and his taking advantage of you being alone with him to work you over just chaps my a**. Ok, sorry, that just fell out.
Hang in there. You can do this. You can do this. (I chant this about every hour these days)
Alice
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Here continues the saga of my custody argument with XAH:
We had another visit this Sunday. It was supposed to be unsupervised, and XH claimed he would not be drinking in the 12 hour prior to the visit, nor would there be alcohol in the apartment.
We had another visit this Sunday. It was supposed to be unsupervised, and XH claimed he would not be drinking in the 12 hour prior to the visit, nor would there be alcohol in the apartment.
There were no beer cans anywhere to be found (I checked), but there were two bottles of wine in the fridge. I asked about this, only because XAH was the one who proposed that there would be no alcohol in the apartment, and he claimed that since I was there supervising anyhow, he didn't want to get rid of the wine that his friends gave him. Hmmm.
Another BS thing? He sees his daughter for 2 1/2 hours and then wants you to take her away for being "whiney"? Wow, what a luxury. When kid becomes whiney, send them away. Most parents do not have that luxury. Sorry to be blunt, but he was probably getting antsy to get to those bottles of wine in the fridge. And he wanted the people in his life out of the way so he could drink in peace. I know the feeling.
Is he in recovery? Is he going to meetings, or some kind of therapy? Or, is he an active alcoholic? If he is an active alcoholic, I would be really tough with him.
I became a chronic drinker late in life, when I was 45. My kids were already over 15. In my years of chronic drinking, I dropped things, including myself. I fell and injured myself or I injured myself by dropping things on myself. I would not have been capable taking care of a toddler. Where I am getting at with this line of reasoning: I would have easily dropped a toddler or a baby. My coordination was shot.
My advice: make a huge issue about the drinking. He won't want to hear that, but that is THE issue here. What other issue is there? I would not have trusted myself with my own toddlers in my chronic years of drinking.
Last edited by littlefish; 12-02-2009 at 07:57 AM.
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littlefish...the issue with my XAH is that he a) doesn't recognize he has a problem and b) is a highly functioning alcoholic. He works full-time, doesn't go in drunk, drinks only after he's off work, and almost never appears intoxicated. So no, he's not in AA or any kind of recovery because "there's nothing wrong" with him. Hey, he's the Perfect Dad!
Also, he doesn't drive so there are no DUIs, and there is no evidence of his abuse or drinking anywhere. It's just my word against his. Because of this, I was told by my mediator that I won't be able to obtain more than a court order demanding that my XAH not drink during visitations...nothing more. The law definitely isn't on my side here.
I'm trying to navigate this situation as best I can for my daughter, and I'd LOVE to slam him with supervised visitations only, once every 2 weeks, but I doubt I'll obtain that seeing as he's so clever as hiding his drinking AND he's a great talker/manipulator. So, I'm left with no choice but to hand things over to my HP, pray with all my might that my daughter is ok, and wait and see...
I hate waiting...
Also, he doesn't drive so there are no DUIs, and there is no evidence of his abuse or drinking anywhere. It's just my word against his. Because of this, I was told by my mediator that I won't be able to obtain more than a court order demanding that my XAH not drink during visitations...nothing more. The law definitely isn't on my side here.
I'm trying to navigate this situation as best I can for my daughter, and I'd LOVE to slam him with supervised visitations only, once every 2 weeks, but I doubt I'll obtain that seeing as he's so clever as hiding his drinking AND he's a great talker/manipulator. So, I'm left with no choice but to hand things over to my HP, pray with all my might that my daughter is ok, and wait and see...
I hate waiting...
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Thank you for the reminder Bucyn. I will bring up the travelling and distance issue in our next mediation appointment, if there is one. I had never thought to ask that he come get DD at my home on Sundays.
Just out of curiosity, I checked the distance between XAH's address and mine, and by car it is 20.5 km, roughly 12.7 miles. Not as "far" as I thought. Granted it takes 1 hour by bus and subway, but as you said, not my problem.
The notion of a breathalizer test also hadn't occured to me. I'm sure XAH will pop his top when I bring this up, but it's definitely an idea worth pursuing. I really hadn't fooled myself into thinking he wouldn't drink...well, perhaps I was being hopeful, but in the back of my head, I knew that I'd have to once again play police all the sake of my daughter's safety. By the way, where can you get a breathalizer? Can it be easily "tricked" by say, chewing gum, taking a swig of mouthwash or brushing your tongue/teeth?
Just out of curiosity, I checked the distance between XAH's address and mine, and by car it is 20.5 km, roughly 12.7 miles. Not as "far" as I thought. Granted it takes 1 hour by bus and subway, but as you said, not my problem.
The notion of a breathalizer test also hadn't occured to me. I'm sure XAH will pop his top when I bring this up, but it's definitely an idea worth pursuing. I really hadn't fooled myself into thinking he wouldn't drink...well, perhaps I was being hopeful, but in the back of my head, I knew that I'd have to once again play police all the sake of my daughter's safety. By the way, where can you get a breathalizer? Can it be easily "tricked" by say, chewing gum, taking a swig of mouthwash or brushing your tongue/teeth?
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Okay, I see what you mean Nodaybut2day: if he hasn't crossed the line legally, it's hard for you to make demands in mediation. But, you can make demands as a mother.
You have to blow into a breathalyzer, it is an apparatus that shows your blood alcohol content. It is not possible to trick it. Your lungs will show the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream.
Would you consider letting him come to your home and spending evenings with her? You could take off to do other things. He is getting an easy deal with you doing all the transportation.
Good luck; your situation sounds so difficult!
You have to blow into a breathalyzer, it is an apparatus that shows your blood alcohol content. It is not possible to trick it. Your lungs will show the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream.
Would you consider letting him come to your home and spending evenings with her? You could take off to do other things. He is getting an easy deal with you doing all the transportation.
Good luck; your situation sounds so difficult!
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