lex20

I am finding this hard at the moment......

ok my brother can do anything eg pick his nose in public, slouch, not acknowlege people, not give me a hug when I see him, not shower, say what he thinks and my parents ignore the behaviour.

He is sober at the moment and lives with them and pays rent.

Great that he is not drinking but should he be treated different to a normal person?

When ever I call them I get told about how he helped my father, how bright he is, how he is so good with my son, etc etc.

Should he be sheltered from everything? when i do try and tell him something he takes the mickey out of me and my parents think its funny.

are my parents worried if they do rock the boat he will drink again is that it? if I do say something about what is happening they defend him, say I am hurting him and i need to accept he is going to pick his nose in public

confused

kv816

Not to sound harsh but you need to accept that he is going to do whatever he wants to do because it is his life. You (nor your parents) can shelter him from anything. You can try all you want to. But your brother is his own person and he will do whatever he wants to. And when he does something that none of you would approve of the only person that caused him to do it was himself.

Step away. Alanon is about learning how to step away. NOTHING you do or say can fix your brother. You can't control him, no matter how bad you want to.

You have two options with Al anon....either learn to live with this behavior (which means he is going to pick his nose in public) or you can walk away. Remove yourself from the situations that you're not comfortable in.

lex20

When he sticks his nicotin stained fingers in my baby boys mouth I can say something, and when he picks his nose in our flat i can say something.........what i struggle with is that if i dont say something someone else will.

My husband looks at my brother and finds it so hard to bit his tongue Should he have to feel uncomfortable and awakward around him constantly?

what is so hard to accept is the allowances that is made for him, he wouldnt not be able to survive socially at all.

Its not that i want to control him or how my family deal with it, its just when it is right in my families face.

I think that my family have become co dependant esp my dad he has issues from his childhood his father was an alcoholic and has said he would do anything for us, sweet as that sounds he is sacrificing his marriage and life for his children which is extreme. My mum is the opp but has i think she has realised to keep her marriage going she has to agree with my dad or fight him to let my brother go...........and she has chosen acceptance.

In my eyes though they are not only losing me their daughter but there lifes and marriage.

Also because I am the 'ok kid' when i do something that is going to rock the boat like say how i feel it throws them off and they cant believe it. I am the one with the normal life and am always nice, together and are there hope? so to go against how they feel is too hard for them to handle.

Bernadette

Hiya lex20...
I have 3 alcoholic bros in varying stages of the disease....one appears to be making a sincere effort at recovery, although he has had a couple relapses, one has traded booze for pot, and one is an active A. The active AB's physical appearance continues to deteriorate. It really used to get under my skin. For years. I finally realized - as with most things - that I just needed to accept reality just as it is. And then modify my behavior, which is the only behavior I can control.

I'm not a religious person but the intent behind the serenity prayer has always worked its magic on me:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Most of my frustrations in dealing with my A brothers stem from a lack of acceptance on my part. Once I accept them just the way they are it alleviates a lot of my aggravation.

It sounds like your folks are locked into a pretty typical uptight alkie-codie dance. My mom is the queen of codependence when it comes to my bros (as she was with my father). It is harder for me to accept her codependence than it is for me to accept my bros alcoholism!

But it all comes down to acceptance for me really.

*sigh*
it's not easy! Protect yourself and your own family A#1. The "crazy" in families is so insidious and comes wrapped in so many loaded layers of confusion...trust your gut instincts and just do the right thing by you and your babies!
peace & courage--
b

oh p.s. if you're wondering how to respond to their "patter of positivity" try some of my single-syllable old favorites:
"Oh."
"Hunh."
"Wow."
If you don't feed it maybe it will die a natural death!

peace ;-)

lex20

thanks bernadette for your post it was really helpful and think that they are def. codependant on my bro.

kv816

Okay, so LET SOMEONE ELSE SAY IT! It's not your job to baby him and correct his poor manners or etiquette. You know? I understand where you're coming from....xabf used to do a ton of things that really got on my nerves and I wanted SO bad to correct it, correct him, before he got embarrassed by someone else. I was getting run into the ground trying. I had to learn not to let his actions upset me. You can't stop him from picking his nose. But you can hand him a kleenex. Other than that, the rest is up to him.

Why do you feel uncomfortable and awkward? Because of his nasty habits? Who cares! Next time just look at him, think to yourself "oh that is SOO nasty!" and then move on! Feeling uncomfortable and awkward hurts no one but yourselves.

If he isn't able to survive socially, in public, it's HIS problem. Why let his inability take you down or hold you back?

You're right, you CAN take hold of the situation when he sticks his nasty dirty fingers into your baby's mouth....because he is a child and you are his mother and it's your job to protect him. The rest of the family are all adults though. It's their life to run. He has his own sick habits. Everyone else can either live with it or learn from it. But your job is to think about you and your child and what's best for YOU. Let the big kids take care of themselves.

Sounds like you're trying to take care of the family and help them see things the way you see do.....so they can stop living this way and live the way that will save their own lives and marriage.

You said "My mum is the opp but has i think she has realised to keep her marriage going she has to agree with my dad or fight him"

So you say going against the way they feel is too hard for them to handle. So you're going to go along with what they feel just to keep everyone (except yourself) happy?

Who cares what others think. Speak up! Respect yourself, your thoughts and feelings. They ARE real! Even if no one else agrees you have the right to express yourself! Don't be ashamed of having your head attached a lot tighter than everyone else.

Let go and Let God! Take care of yourself and He'll take care of the rest.