Is it wrong to mistrust?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Here's my take on this: There is a certain baseline level of trust that everyone I meet deserves and gets when I first meet him/her. If upon getting to know someone better and interacting with him/her more, he/she behaves in an open, honest and trustworthy manner, then he/she earns -- and gets -- more of my trust. If he/she behaves in ways that are dishonest, untrustworthy and less-than-open, then he/she earns -- and gets -- less of my trust.
As far as I can tell, things like trust, respect, love, etc... are very, very valuable, and I personally don't "give" valuable things like these indiscriminately. If it's important to people to get these things from me, then they best be prepared to behave in ways that are deserving....If they can't or choose not to do that, then that's their loss....
...It's also a natural consequence of their own behavior, and, as they say in Al Anon it's not my place to deny anyone the right to experience the natural consequences of his/her own behavior!
freya
As far as I can tell, things like trust, respect, love, etc... are very, very valuable, and I personally don't "give" valuable things like these indiscriminately. If it's important to people to get these things from me, then they best be prepared to behave in ways that are deserving....If they can't or choose not to do that, then that's their loss....
...It's also a natural consequence of their own behavior, and, as they say in Al Anon it's not my place to deny anyone the right to experience the natural consequences of his/her own behavior!
freya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by tjp613 
I'm sorry, Noday!!! I should have phrased that differently! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. What I SHOULD have said is, "I've been burned more times than I can count by my ex-husband!! He can be so sweet and funny and bat his eyelashes at me and I just want to believe that I can trust him and be on mature, amicable terms with him....then right when I need his cooperation on something.... **BAM!!!**....he reminds me that he will never EVER change and he totally cannot be trusted."I am the one that is STILL learning!! Just hoping you can learn a little faster than me!!
Again, I apologize for being insensitive to the way I phrased my response.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Hey noday, of course you should keep posting! I am split from XH and he quit drinking, and I'm still here. There's a lot of reality here for me when I start feeling like, ZOMG! The sky is falling!
When I had my custody dispute over my first daughter, I submitted a sworn affidavit as part of my documentation to the judge. It was basically, the story of why this person has no business having custody. I spilled everything in the affidavit, even stuff that was hearsay (things he said, things other people said that he did or said). I was perfectly within my rights to submit the affidavit, and the judge was perfectly within his rights to take it or leave it. I sent a copy of the affidavit to my X, and I believe it was the reason he didn't show up for court! The affidavit had a lot of embarrassing stuff that he'd have to face! My X was the kind of person who had to maintain a certain image and once the pieces started to fall around that, he ran.
The next girl he had a kid with used my affidavit too.
It was the gift that kept on giving.
When I had my custody dispute over my first daughter, I submitted a sworn affidavit as part of my documentation to the judge. It was basically, the story of why this person has no business having custody. I spilled everything in the affidavit, even stuff that was hearsay (things he said, things other people said that he did or said). I was perfectly within my rights to submit the affidavit, and the judge was perfectly within his rights to take it or leave it. I sent a copy of the affidavit to my X, and I believe it was the reason he didn't show up for court! The affidavit had a lot of embarrassing stuff that he'd have to face! My X was the kind of person who had to maintain a certain image and once the pieces started to fall around that, he ran.
The next girl he had a kid with used my affidavit too.
It was the gift that kept on giving.
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
NO, you are welcome to be here. Al Anon and the likes there of is about YOU and how YOU feel. Regardless of if you are still with an active drinker, a RA, or an EX, or family member. The effects of our sickness and codependency can last for years even after we are no longer involved with that person.
In regards to the journal. Handwritten is what the courts pay more attention to, because they feel like you actually did it on a day to day basis. Where it takes no time at all to type something out on the PC, regardless if it really was day by day or not.
I myself am currently trying to set up supervised visitations at a facility that strictly handles these things. I would drop off daughter at time of visitation, he would enter thru another door and have his hour time with her, all while under the vision of a social worker, and then I would pick her back up. We never see each other, because of the seperate doors and timing of it. I am doing this, as well, because I want to provide him even further the opportunity to see his daughter, or make my point that he won't.
He will just be ticked off that he has to go to a facility to see her, and the bottom line to me is this....if you want to see your daughter, you will be clean and sober, and meet whatever conditions are set forth. God knows I would do whatever to see my kids. You know?
Can you investigate if your town or surrounding towns offer this service. The more you and your attorney can provide, as too why your home is safer, limited visitation is requested, and how it would work, the better off it is.
Now in reference to the step. My first marriage of 13 years, I raised my step daughter in our home full time, as her mother had just passed away. I started raising her at the age of 2, she called me Mom by choice, and for all intent and purposes she was my daughter. When we divorced, X, took her away, and since I legally had no ties to her, he kept her away from me. At 16, when she started driving, she began showing up at my door late at night, drunk, to see her 14 yr old sister. I would let her come in and stay. I finally told her Dad, what she was doing, and that is what happens when you try to take kids away from the people they love, and look up to. Finally he let her visit whenever she wanted.
My point is...if your hands are tied about the step son, and you have no legal ties, there isn't anything you can do. Don't waste time stressing about it, because there is NOTHING you can do. This child will come back into your life, in due time. And it may be another arguing point in court, about how your X attempts parental alienation, if you do not do what he wants.
Step back from things just a little. Look at all the negatives as positives for you. Every horrid thing your X does, every time he argues for visitation, then cancels, every denial of seeing the step son. Take those things, and turn them around to fit what you need.
Hang in there girl! It will get better, I promise.
In regards to the journal. Handwritten is what the courts pay more attention to, because they feel like you actually did it on a day to day basis. Where it takes no time at all to type something out on the PC, regardless if it really was day by day or not.
I myself am currently trying to set up supervised visitations at a facility that strictly handles these things. I would drop off daughter at time of visitation, he would enter thru another door and have his hour time with her, all while under the vision of a social worker, and then I would pick her back up. We never see each other, because of the seperate doors and timing of it. I am doing this, as well, because I want to provide him even further the opportunity to see his daughter, or make my point that he won't.
He will just be ticked off that he has to go to a facility to see her, and the bottom line to me is this....if you want to see your daughter, you will be clean and sober, and meet whatever conditions are set forth. God knows I would do whatever to see my kids. You know?
Can you investigate if your town or surrounding towns offer this service. The more you and your attorney can provide, as too why your home is safer, limited visitation is requested, and how it would work, the better off it is.
Now in reference to the step. My first marriage of 13 years, I raised my step daughter in our home full time, as her mother had just passed away. I started raising her at the age of 2, she called me Mom by choice, and for all intent and purposes she was my daughter. When we divorced, X, took her away, and since I legally had no ties to her, he kept her away from me. At 16, when she started driving, she began showing up at my door late at night, drunk, to see her 14 yr old sister. I would let her come in and stay. I finally told her Dad, what she was doing, and that is what happens when you try to take kids away from the people they love, and look up to. Finally he let her visit whenever she wanted.
My point is...if your hands are tied about the step son, and you have no legal ties, there isn't anything you can do. Don't waste time stressing about it, because there is NOTHING you can do. This child will come back into your life, in due time. And it may be another arguing point in court, about how your X attempts parental alienation, if you do not do what he wants.
Step back from things just a little. Look at all the negatives as positives for you. Every horrid thing your X does, every time he argues for visitation, then cancels, every denial of seeing the step son. Take those things, and turn them around to fit what you need.
Hang in there girl! It will get better, I promise.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It is not wrong to mistrust, it is appropiate and natural after certain events... trust is not a given but it is gained day by day at least in my humble opinion. Like a warning sign...
aboutdone, that is such a great service. In my country (Mexico) there is nothing like order of protections, or similar visitation services.
Even if it is hard, up there you got so many mechanisms of protection many other women in the world cannot even imagine. In fact the majority of women do not even know what a lawyer is or what their rights are.
aboutdone, that is such a great service. In my country (Mexico) there is nothing like order of protections, or similar visitation services.
Even if it is hard, up there you got so many mechanisms of protection many other women in the world cannot even imagine. In fact the majority of women do not even know what a lawyer is or what their rights are.
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