transformyself

I've said for years that going to see my family is like an instant spiritual & health barometer. Wanna know how you're really doing? Go see your family.

Well, last night I went with my sister to my cousins house where they were trying out recipes for Thanksgiving. My cousins best friend was there, a woman i've heard lots about but never met. She freaked me out so badly, I felt like I had to flee the house. Spent a lot of time scraming F*** YOU, YOU A** HOLE and laughing about it like it was a joke. She was aggressive, loud and bizarre.

They all traded barbs and laughed it off. Also, my cousin had my dog for 2 weeks while i was out of town. She was originally hers, a chihuahua, and my cousin has another chihuahua too. When people would come into the house, my cousins daughter would command the dogs to attack the person, which they would. Then my cousin would yell at them and kick at them.

I have spent months getting my dog socialized. When we left AH in Sept, she started attacking people who came into the house and I had to work really hard, be very patient to get her to stop. Also, if she doesn't get walks she will poop in the house (they're the size of mini tootsie rolls but who wants poop in the house?) and when my cousin found some poop in her house she was yelling at the dogs and swatting at them so guess what? This morning she didn't want to go outside to go potty. She cowared and I had to carry her out and tell her she was good.

I was so freaked out by this woman and my cousin last night. I spent the night on the couch, pretending to work. They went to the bar at 11 and I stayed. Screw that! I watched a movie (PRACTICAL MAGIC one of my favorites) and calmed down. Then drove my drunk sister and I home.

Today, the PTSD triggers started. Obsessive thinking, trying to sort out why I had such a strong reaction. Crying, feeling like I was under attack. I also had a strong reaction to some well meaninged advice here a few days ago, I think it's all connected.

Anyway, I took some anti anxiety meds and am feeling at least calm enough to be present with my kids.

I don't know why I am surprised by my reaction to this. I have to make BIG BIG boundaries with abusive people, have very strong reactions, want to attack them to defend myself. I hate it.

I haven't been able to get to yoga but twice last week and need to go at least 3 preferably four times in order to be sane and normal.

Next week the kids are out of school 5 days, so I better get some childcare so I can get "my medicine" which takes 2 hours total.

My cousin has issues. Her mother was very verbally abusive, and her daughter is a snotty little brat. I don't want to exclude myself from Thanksgiving, but if her friend is going to be there, there's no way I will. AH will be taking the kids to his brothers house. He has invited me, but that's also not somethng I want to do. But it may be safer than my own family.

Ah heck, I might spend the day in bed, or at the movies. Or better yet, getting some work done.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what i"m looking for, just venting I guess..

Still Waters

Do what you need to do for YOU - that's allowed

naive

hi transform myself-


i think as we get healthier, it's not just our relationship with our alcoholic that needs some renewal. well, at least for me, that's proven to be true. as i go thru my recovery, i noticed that i needed to set other boundaries with other people who are not my xABF.

i'm sorry you had a bad night. i'm finding that i can't deal with large groups of people at all if there is alcohol. i am just not in a mood right now to tolerate a drunk.

be kind to yourself. a good hot soak in the bath normally does the trick for me. i light a few candles, add some lavender oil, turn on something soothing and chill. i always feel better to have washed my hair and put some patchouli on.

as for the yoga, i know how important that is for you to feel "yourself". can you make it a priority this week?

are there some sort of poses you can go thru in your living room? there are a lot of really good videos on youtube. i put one of those on and do it with the computer...i like this one for anxiety/tension:

YouTube - Chill Out: Upper Back and Shoulder Tension

i don't know about you, but thanksgiving alone sounds fantastic!

tigger11

I'm with you, Naive... no family drama, cooking, eating too much turkey, etc. Yay for along T-day!

Trans - you'll be okay. You're strong and wonderful!

transformyself

Thanks ya'll

Well somethings going on because after I took my clonopin one of my friends called me to say she was having bloody mary's with a friend ( I think she's having an affair) nearby and could I come over?

I was giving me son the keys to the house and she said, "are you going to talk to me or your kids," in a very snide tone. I swear if I weren't freshly toned down with drugs I would have told her to f*** off and never call me agian.

But I just said, "oh guess I'll go then."

I don't want to talk to her. Really. And as SW pointed out, I dont' have to. I don't have to be friends with people who are jerks. There is a growing list of people in my life that I don't want in my life and I know I"ll be happier not interacting with them and I"m okay with that.

The good news is that this reaction is PTSD all the way, and it ain't just my AH that triggers me and I know what it is and what to do about it. I'm on the wait list for therapy

Naive, your suggestions of the calming stuff for myself is really good, all though I'm in the midst of moving more stuff from the house, trying to deal with my kids for the next week while they're out of school and i need to work while they're home and that totally stresses me out. I cn'at write when they're awake so I get up at 4am to do it and am dogfood by 8pm.

Yes, I realize I just gave a list of whats wrong.

Thanks for letting me vent about this stuff. What it comes down to is being ACOA and CSA survivor and still needing to carve out certian aspects of my recovery.