kitkat

after getting help for yourself? I am finding that my AH and I are slowly drifting apart. We just can't seem to connect. Maybe this is because he is so focused on how I am not behaving or meeting up to his expectations and I am trying to just focus on me getting better and not falling into my old habits.

Just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this. I feel that I am getting better. I am here everyday and I am going to Alanon. I also just purchased several books from Ms. Beattie. I can't wait to get my hands on them and start reading. I need that everyday inspiration to keep working my program.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Kitkat.

It's early for you. I'm betting what you're feeling is natural growing pains. Things are not what they were before. You and he are both learning to be different people and will have to rediscover how to mesh... and possibly even IF you mesh. I can't tell you the number of times I've thought "who are you and what have you done with Dino?" and I expect he's thought the same things about me. It can be bumpy. For us it has gotten much smoother.

Hugs!
Smoke

JT

When I began recovery I found it hard to give Ward the attention he was used too and there is nothing wrong with that. In my case the attention I was giving wasn't all that healthy. But healthy or not, it is what was the norm for us.

Change isn't easy and things can easily get worse before they get better. Try not reacting to his reacting.

Hugs,
JT

2many2count

Hi kitkat!
I certainly understand what you are going through. I grew up and my husband stayed the same. He wanted to drink and party all of the time and all I wanted was some peace and quiet. We have 4 kids and we've been seperated for about a month and a half. I just couldn't take care of myself and the kids with him around anymore. Just sitting in the same room with him made me uncomfortable and disgusted. Each situation is different. Mine was an abusive marriage at the end. I guess because I was not tolerating his behavior and he was very frustrated and it was an awful, vicious cycle that we together as a couple couldn't fix. Both of us know that this was the best thing for us right now. He has stopped drinking and I'm feeling more in control of my life. Our kids are at peace right now and life seems to be okay.
Smoke is right...I think as we grow we often grow in different directions. Its finding some common ground that will bring people back together. Time certainly will help.

Take care.
Holly

kitkat

Thank you all for your support! This certainly does help! I am really sensing from him a lot of anger just under the surface. I only pray it doesn't turn into verbal abuse at the very least, but I know it may. I am preparing myself for that since I don't deal with verbal abuse and any kind of conflict all that well (actually who does?).

I am just trying to focus on me. I smile a lot and talk to him, but the response is minimal. I take what I get and leave him be if he doesn't want to respond. I know I can only work on me and not worry about him. His anger is understandable as everything he knew to be us is changing. He is trying to cope as best as he knows how along with dealing with his drinking.

It's appears to be just what you said, Smoke - growing pains.

I will leave all this then to my HP and let him decide our fate. I will continue to work my own program and become healthier and if can't change together, then maybe it will be best that we be apart, because apart is better than an unhealthy relationship (at least in my eyes).

Thanks again - you all are so wonderful!!
Kitkat

EmotionalMeg

Hey Kitkat
Did ya ever think that maybe it's just a simple matter of perspective?
I mean, like you said, you feel better... you are going to Alanon, you are taking care of yourself, you are healing. Whether the marriage survives or not, is NOT the issue - You can HOPE that things will all be OK in the end between the two of you... But the expectations have to be dropped. What is REALLY important is that you keep taking care of YOU, and hey!! You are well on your way!
In MY books, things have not gone wrong at all
Take care
Meg

kitkat

Meg,
You're right! The expectations have to stop. It's so hard though when I feel his expectations bearing down on and his disappointment when I can't meet them. I am trying really hard to let this all go and look at just me. I've decided to remove all my expectations of him and just live my life the way I want to whether he chooses to join in or not.

It will be interesting these next several weeks. We go back to marriage counseling next week and I am thinking about bringing up the subject of lost trust and the expectations I feel we both are placing on each other. This conversation may lead to us going our separate ways or it may spark something in us to work together. Either way - I'm ready for it!

Thank you!!

jessieandme2003

Hi KitKat.

My AH and I are in the same place that you describe. I have been changing many of my codie ways and he is trying so hard to get me back to the way I used to be. I think this is just another part of recovery you and I will have to go through.

My AH is on 45 days today and is very happy. But what he sees me doing is becoming 'independent' and that scares him. He sees it as drifting apart, and that of course translates into my not loving him as much anymore. I can totally understand where he might think that and only time is going to help him see that we can have a healthier relationship as two people controlling their happiness and sharing it with each other, than two people simply controlling each other.

You are not alone, and it sounds like you are committed to your own recovery. Way to go!