For_anyone_who_is_having_a_hard_time
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
For_anyone_who_is_having_a_hard_time
There IS light at the end of the tunnel !!
About this time last year I was totally depressed and thought about suicide, of course it was not going to happen but I did not see much value in anything anymore. I thought about the pain my Mom would endure and that helped me get by. To know I was important to someone and that I was not going to cause so much grief to the person who gave me life and so much more.
That time I broke with an XABF. The usual story, Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I tried to end it "amicably" (
). Well, no one has treated me so cruelly before and lied so much.
I work with him so all this time the wound had opened and reopened. He got someone else almost right away and paraded her in the office (she does not work here). The thought of being replaced instantly or thinking he was already desiring her while still with me, were one of my greatest pains ever. One month earlier we were planning our lives together, I was everything, LOL. I was in shock.
Fast forward one year....
It is not always smooth and I still got much work to do, but I start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and the hidden lessons were TOTALLY worth the pain.
I spent year 2009 crying my heart out. Those tears were very healing.
I feel so strong now, very confident and I am SURE God/HP made sure I left before something really bad happened.
When I heard this from others when I arrived here totally lost, I was "yeah right, that happens to other people, not possibly ME, they did not suffer as much as me, they are much stronger than me.."
When I arrived I thought everyone was harsh and cruel, but now I get the wiser ones more... they reside in a place of peace and serenity and they were trying to wake me up, let go of the senseless suffering, learn from myself, so I could accept SO MANY GIFTS that are coming in my life now and live in a brighter place I never thought possible.
All this day I have been so damn grateful I have almost been in tears.
Just to be living AT ALL when so many people leave this Earth today. To have a ceiling over my head when so many are on the street. To have education and a career to be 100% independent and free. To be complete and healthy. To be able to go to a doc and buy medicines if I need. To have 2 pets that make me laugh for HOURS and give me so much love.
To have found someone I can share my life and with whom lessons are not HORRIBLE HELLS but some gentle kicks in the ass in comparison. Not a smoldering gaze, he really SEES me. To know my life would be rich without him in my life. To know I am complete in myself.
To have both my parents alive and healthy. To have my sister alive and healthy.
I am starting to be grateful for going through what I did with this man that brought me to SR.
Thanks to him I met all of you WONDERFUL people.
Thanks to him I changed 180 degrees and have a much more accurate sense of self, of where my limits are. I am grateful for having had the good times I had and for the beautiful dreams he gave me. I hope I can see him again and tell him how much I learned and what a catalyst for MY JOY he was. That will probably happen in 3 or 4 decades, if at all, but you never know.
Nothing extraordinary happened, it is just becoming more obvious how lucky I have been and how Someone has been looking after me all this time. I feel so much love in my heart and I feel so generous with everyone. When I remember my complaints, I see how ridiculous they are, I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED, just what I need... nothing is lacking.
Now I know what is REALLY important. That lesson is priceless.
Now I know I did not lose any love, I took one step forward towards it. Even if it did not feel that way AT ALL.
Now I know my soul is free and I can do anything I set my mind to. The only limitation was within myself. And no one cares if dreams come true or not. The JOURNEY is what I will enjoy!!
Now I know life is NOT about being happy but about LEARNING.
Now I know I better enjoy the present moment, that is life, it does not reside anywhere else. Just here.
Now I know it is ok to feel whatever, it is TEMPORARY. And even when I felt a sick envy towards this guy that seemed to go through this without any pain, I still pick my role. I prefer to feel all this, than to be numb to the richness of life, to be afraid of what I may find about myself (lived 27 years that way and it SUCKED).
Well I just wanted to give you some hope and believe me if I interact, run into, overhear ex and partner VERY OFTEN .. if I can do this being Codie Queen, very slow learner LOL, you will be able to heal too !!!
You will smile again
Hugs !!
About this time last year I was totally depressed and thought about suicide, of course it was not going to happen but I did not see much value in anything anymore. I thought about the pain my Mom would endure and that helped me get by. To know I was important to someone and that I was not going to cause so much grief to the person who gave me life and so much more.
That time I broke with an XABF. The usual story, Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I tried to end it "amicably" (
). Well, no one has treated me so cruelly before and lied so much. I work with him so all this time the wound had opened and reopened. He got someone else almost right away and paraded her in the office (she does not work here). The thought of being replaced instantly or thinking he was already desiring her while still with me, were one of my greatest pains ever. One month earlier we were planning our lives together, I was everything, LOL. I was in shock.
Fast forward one year....
It is not always smooth and I still got much work to do, but I start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and the hidden lessons were TOTALLY worth the pain.
I spent year 2009 crying my heart out. Those tears were very healing.
I feel so strong now, very confident and I am SURE God/HP made sure I left before something really bad happened.
When I heard this from others when I arrived here totally lost, I was "yeah right, that happens to other people, not possibly ME, they did not suffer as much as me, they are much stronger than me.."
When I arrived I thought everyone was harsh and cruel, but now I get the wiser ones more... they reside in a place of peace and serenity and they were trying to wake me up, let go of the senseless suffering, learn from myself, so I could accept SO MANY GIFTS that are coming in my life now and live in a brighter place I never thought possible.
All this day I have been so damn grateful I have almost been in tears.
Just to be living AT ALL when so many people leave this Earth today. To have a ceiling over my head when so many are on the street. To have education and a career to be 100% independent and free. To be complete and healthy. To be able to go to a doc and buy medicines if I need. To have 2 pets that make me laugh for HOURS and give me so much love.
To have found someone I can share my life and with whom lessons are not HORRIBLE HELLS but some gentle kicks in the ass in comparison. Not a smoldering gaze, he really SEES me. To know my life would be rich without him in my life. To know I am complete in myself.
To have both my parents alive and healthy. To have my sister alive and healthy.
I am starting to be grateful for going through what I did with this man that brought me to SR.
Thanks to him I met all of you WONDERFUL people.
Thanks to him I changed 180 degrees and have a much more accurate sense of self, of where my limits are. I am grateful for having had the good times I had and for the beautiful dreams he gave me. I hope I can see him again and tell him how much I learned and what a catalyst for MY JOY he was. That will probably happen in 3 or 4 decades, if at all, but you never know.
Nothing extraordinary happened, it is just becoming more obvious how lucky I have been and how Someone has been looking after me all this time. I feel so much love in my heart and I feel so generous with everyone. When I remember my complaints, I see how ridiculous they are, I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED, just what I need... nothing is lacking.
Now I know what is REALLY important. That lesson is priceless.
Now I know I did not lose any love, I took one step forward towards it. Even if it did not feel that way AT ALL.
Now I know my soul is free and I can do anything I set my mind to. The only limitation was within myself. And no one cares if dreams come true or not. The JOURNEY is what I will enjoy!!
Now I know life is NOT about being happy but about LEARNING.
Now I know I better enjoy the present moment, that is life, it does not reside anywhere else. Just here.
Now I know it is ok to feel whatever, it is TEMPORARY. And even when I felt a sick envy towards this guy that seemed to go through this without any pain, I still pick my role. I prefer to feel all this, than to be numb to the richness of life, to be afraid of what I may find about myself (lived 27 years that way and it SUCKED).
Well I just wanted to give you some hope and believe me if I interact, run into, overhear ex and partner VERY OFTEN .. if I can do this being Codie Queen, very slow learner LOL, you will be able to heal too !!!
You will smile again
Hugs !!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
Posts like this helped keep me going just over a year ago.
Coming to this site was helpful in forcing me to see my role in the relationship. As much as I hated considering myself an enabler, that was the end result of my taking on more than my share of responsibility. It also forced me to realize I needed to look at him and who he was at that very moment -- not delude myself with the potential I saw in him. And pushing his words aside in order to focus on his actions in terms of communication made it crystal clear where his priorities were.
Although separating and then divorcing were the absolute most difficult things I've done in my life, they were the right things to do. I'm glad I let go, as being dragged is so horrible.
My life is so much better now. The house is peaceful. Weirdly enough, even the houseplants are far healthier (with no help from me!). The cat who hid all the time and had become obese is a healthy weight, cheerful and enjoys meeting people. All the people in my life are people I WANT in my life. I'm enjoying a relationship with a partner who is loving, considerate, fun, supportive and a great friend. I look and feel better.
I was also pleasantly surprised by how supportive my friends and family were. No-one thought I was a loser to have ended up in such a destructive relationship. The more people I talked to, the more I realized how many people's lives have been touched by addiction. Everyone I talked to had a story and I felt judged by no-one.
I see my x differently than I expected. My intense anger didn't take long to dissipate, but was replaced by sadness for him and his choices. I hope he chooses a different path before he kills himself, but I realize that's his call.
I am extremely grateful for this site and the people it draws to it.
Coming to this site was helpful in forcing me to see my role in the relationship. As much as I hated considering myself an enabler, that was the end result of my taking on more than my share of responsibility. It also forced me to realize I needed to look at him and who he was at that very moment -- not delude myself with the potential I saw in him. And pushing his words aside in order to focus on his actions in terms of communication made it crystal clear where his priorities were.
Although separating and then divorcing were the absolute most difficult things I've done in my life, they were the right things to do. I'm glad I let go, as being dragged is so horrible.
My life is so much better now. The house is peaceful. Weirdly enough, even the houseplants are far healthier (with no help from me!). The cat who hid all the time and had become obese is a healthy weight, cheerful and enjoys meeting people. All the people in my life are people I WANT in my life. I'm enjoying a relationship with a partner who is loving, considerate, fun, supportive and a great friend. I look and feel better.
I was also pleasantly surprised by how supportive my friends and family were. No-one thought I was a loser to have ended up in such a destructive relationship. The more people I talked to, the more I realized how many people's lives have been touched by addiction. Everyone I talked to had a story and I felt judged by no-one.
I see my x differently than I expected. My intense anger didn't take long to dissipate, but was replaced by sadness for him and his choices. I hope he chooses a different path before he kills himself, but I realize that's his call.
I am extremely grateful for this site and the people it draws to it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey TC!
It is so good to hear the positive message in your post. Strong and empowered and looking at the past without a heavy heart but rather a heavy book of lessons instead. Big progress, big confidence, and big big smiles!! I love every word
I took a trip down memory lane last night as a matter of fact, and read my old threads from when I started back in January of this year. I kept shaking my head in disbelief. That was my life?? I can't believe I was able to sit at a computer and compose my thoughts with the turmoil of emotions I was going through.
These days, money is tight as is space in the room I rent with all my pets, my car needs repairs, and the holidays are fast approaching which commonly bring a lull in my work load and income. To some it would sound miserable, but for me, I am laughing again. I have friends, I wake up buried beneath my furbabies, and I have blissful peace to think. I sing in the car and get caught dancing at stop lights by folks in other cars. I saw a picture of my EX recently and was repulsed. No hurt, no lonliness, no remorse. I now relish time with my family where I used to feel stressed and trapped.
The change started from within me and keeps expanding outward. My world is my own again and that's worth smiling about!
Keep on grinning, makes people wonder what you're really up to! LOL!
Alice
It is so good to hear the positive message in your post. Strong and empowered and looking at the past without a heavy heart but rather a heavy book of lessons instead. Big progress, big confidence, and big big smiles!! I love every word
I took a trip down memory lane last night as a matter of fact, and read my old threads from when I started back in January of this year. I kept shaking my head in disbelief. That was my life?? I can't believe I was able to sit at a computer and compose my thoughts with the turmoil of emotions I was going through.
These days, money is tight as is space in the room I rent with all my pets, my car needs repairs, and the holidays are fast approaching which commonly bring a lull in my work load and income. To some it would sound miserable, but for me, I am laughing again. I have friends, I wake up buried beneath my furbabies, and I have blissful peace to think. I sing in the car and get caught dancing at stop lights by folks in other cars. I saw a picture of my EX recently and was repulsed. No hurt, no lonliness, no remorse. I now relish time with my family where I used to feel stressed and trapped.
The change started from within me and keeps expanding outward. My world is my own again and that's worth smiling about!
Keep on grinning, makes people wonder what you're really up to! LOL!
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
ItsmeAlice, you are also my clone, my car has had no service for 2 years ughh! but now I seldom drive so... not a priority!! money has no relation to my joy either, I am glad we are those people that go beyond materialistic outlooks and strage perspectives on "power" "value" "success" "objects" etc etc... enslaved by others' opinion... and RESULTS... (control!! gosh I can spot it so easily now)
Its a wonderful feeling, to start BEING yourself again! Like you wake up from a nightmare thinking WTF WAS I ALL THIS TIME? AND WHY DID I LET A LOST SOUL TAKE OVER MY JOY??? my hobbies and my music and my lifestyle and the people I enjoy a conversation with and the arts and my dreams and my personal plans to pursue them just because I can and it fulfills ME and because I decide if a time slot of the day will provide pain or joy. Where work stops and play starts.
About forgiveness, I cheated and skipped that phase !! I handle it to God. As they say, they are just mirrors so if I handle him to God, I am handing myself to God too.
And the other way around... if I find some compassion for myself... STOP beating myself up for being an imperfect human and not knowing what I did not know... I find some compassion for F too... he is just a human... doing the best he knows.. living the best way he can.... treating ppl the way he has been treated.
Like Christina Aguilera's song.. "I hurt myself, by hurting you" by now I truly know I felt pain but the one who really hurt was him. I am not fooled anymore by the facade. And I am blessed not to be fooled ever.
Its funny about the plants, and pets, its so easy to see how its all interconnected! My cats pick my vibes IMMEDIATELY! I am just thinking about going to the vet and they are already hiding in the closet lol.
Back to the topic... if we can say that this post has a clear topic... (freedom perhaps!)
Its SUCH A GREAT FEELING to see F around and be like me again, smile and talk and not giving him much attention either. OR at least not wanting to cry or obssess for more than 20 minutes. Yeah!!! He considers himself a demigod and me too. Lol. I saw him from a very short distance and he just had a haircut. Showing his neck tattoo. He looked like the muppet on the left:
That always makes me laugh and take everything less seriously...
I look much better too. Much more feminine. Not trying to become a man anymore or to pass unacknowledged (WHERE DID I LIVE THIS BEFORE?).
I am much more receptive and loving to the female aspects of life.... there is much happiness and fulfillment to be had. We women have BIG hearts (I say this because lately I have talked with many women, not comparing with men or anything) we just do and we need to recognize the place that has always been ours.
Now I am excited about the company's party... my BF and me will go in black.
When we go out I notice ppl stare at us. We have been told we look great together!!! I got a dress that makes me feel very confident and I need to have it modified because I lost weight... I love it when they have to make something TIGHTER LOL !! I will go to a beauty center and all... just set to feel and look my best way guys
FOR ME
FOR MY GOOD MEMORIES WHEN I AM 80.
FOR MY BF.
That's it... and its funny because this F, used to criticized me about my weight, looks, depression, lack of ambition and now I am not like that anymore and he has to see it the other day one of his superiors shouted me from afar "looking good!!" I laughed and he said "no seriously, wow!" and it was hey, its my ego speaking, but it feels good to turn heads!
I do my work better, I look better, as most of my peers are males I am set to achieve greater things than them (I am such a geek that I enjoy that, sheesh.. we got a healthy competittion going...).
I know coworkers at other jobs thought I was dumb. And I believed them LOL!! but NOT ANYMORE!! quite the contrary I have less spelling errors, am always polite (even more polite with hostile customers, just for the sake of contrast!!) and are more responsible and perfectionist... but no, I was blind to that, seeing my own self through some ppl's distorsioned eyes.
Enough of that, from now on I am believing ALL the good things !!
Well I am rambling too much. Thanks if you made it to here lol.
I am just so happy to see everything you all promised when I was in a bad place, is TRUE. I am so grateful to have learned without hurting a 3rd party. Thanks to SR and God I was able to stop my tracks on my way to sharing my life with a madman.
TC
PS Also... my mom and sis will meet my BF one of these days !! I hope they get along well !! my mom and sis have not even seen a PICTURE... man...
Its a wonderful feeling, to start BEING yourself again! Like you wake up from a nightmare thinking WTF WAS I ALL THIS TIME? AND WHY DID I LET A LOST SOUL TAKE OVER MY JOY??? my hobbies and my music and my lifestyle and the people I enjoy a conversation with and the arts and my dreams and my personal plans to pursue them just because I can and it fulfills ME and because I decide if a time slot of the day will provide pain or joy. Where work stops and play starts.
About forgiveness, I cheated and skipped that phase
!! I handle it to God. As they say, they are just mirrors so if I handle him to God, I am handing myself to God too. And the other way around... if I find some compassion for myself... STOP beating myself up for being an imperfect human and not knowing what I did not know... I find some compassion for F too... he is just a human... doing the best he knows.. living the best way he can.... treating ppl the way he has been treated.
Like Christina Aguilera's song.. "I hurt myself, by hurting you" by now I truly know I felt pain but the one who really hurt was him. I am not fooled anymore by the facade. And I am blessed not to be fooled ever.
Its funny about the plants, and pets, its so easy to see how its all interconnected! My cats pick my vibes IMMEDIATELY! I am just thinking about going to the vet and they are already hiding in the closet lol.
Back to the topic... if we can say that this post has a clear topic... (freedom perhaps!)
Its SUCH A GREAT FEELING to see F around and be like me again, smile and talk and not giving him much attention either. OR at least not wanting to cry or obssess for more than 20 minutes. Yeah!!! He considers himself a demigod and me too. Lol. I saw him from a very short distance and he just had a haircut. Showing his neck tattoo. He looked like the muppet on the left:
That always makes me laugh and take everything less seriously...
I look much better too. Much more feminine. Not trying to become a man anymore or to pass unacknowledged (WHERE DID I LIVE THIS BEFORE?).
I am much more receptive and loving to the female aspects of life.... there is much happiness and fulfillment to be had. We women have BIG hearts (I say this because lately I have talked with many women, not comparing with men or anything) we just do and we need to recognize the place that has always been ours.
Now I am excited about the company's party... my BF and me will go in black.
When we go out I notice ppl stare at us. We have been told we look great together!!! I got a dress that makes me feel very confident and I need to have it modified because I lost weight... I love it when they have to make something TIGHTER LOL !! I will go to a beauty center and all... just set to feel and look my best way guys
FOR ME
FOR MY GOOD MEMORIES WHEN I AM 80.
FOR MY BF.
That's it... and its funny because this F, used to criticized me about my weight, looks, depression, lack of ambition and now I am not like that anymore and he has to see it
the other day one of his superiors shouted me from afar "looking good!!" I laughed and he said "no seriously, wow!" and it was hey, its my ego speaking, but it feels good to turn heads!I do my work better, I look better, as most of my peers are males I am set to achieve greater things than them (I am such a geek that I enjoy that, sheesh.. we got a healthy competittion going...).
I know coworkers at other jobs thought I was dumb. And I believed them LOL!! but NOT ANYMORE!! quite the contrary I have less spelling errors, am always polite (even more polite with hostile customers, just for the sake of contrast!!) and are more responsible and perfectionist... but no, I was blind to that, seeing my own self through some ppl's distorsioned eyes.
Enough of that, from now on I am believing ALL the good things !!
Well I am rambling too much. Thanks if you made it to here lol.
I am just so happy to see everything you all promised when I was in a bad place, is TRUE. I am so grateful to have learned without hurting a 3rd party. Thanks to SR and God I was able to stop my tracks on my way to sharing my life with a madman.
TC
PS Also... my mom and sis will meet my BF one of these days !! I hope they get along well !! my mom and sis have not even seen a PICTURE... man...
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 11-16-2009 at 12:38 AM.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Today I am again totally excited about... NOTHING lol !
I remembered all of you today while trimming my bamboo plant. I had it outside but I got a peeping Tom neighbor that makes me uncomfortable. I thought the bamboo had died because I did not tend it that often anymore. Then I decided to place it inside to take care of it without worries.
While I was cutting the old leaves I realized for EVERY one of them there was a little new leave starting to unfold. So tender, green, alive and full of promise.
Many times we feel like we are going backwards or suffering without hope... but the fact we do not see anything new now, does not mean there are not new dreams being born, good moments awaiting us....beyond what we have imagined for ourselves. Totally different from what we have learned, known and lived so far.
We just need to look closer.
PS > My mantra lately is: "I define who I am at this moment"
I remembered all of you today while trimming my bamboo plant. I had it outside but I got a peeping Tom neighbor that makes me uncomfortable. I thought the bamboo had died because I did not tend it that often anymore. Then I decided to place it inside to take care of it without worries.
While I was cutting the old leaves I realized for EVERY one of them there was a little new leave starting to unfold. So tender, green, alive and full of promise.
Many times we feel like we are going backwards or suffering without hope... but the fact we do not see anything new now, does not mean there are not new dreams being born, good moments awaiting us....beyond what we have imagined for ourselves. Totally different from what we have learned, known and lived so far.
We just need to look closer.
PS > My mantra lately is: "I define who I am at this moment"
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Also, for the ones who say the best revenge is a life well lived. I agree.
Yesterday I was happy carrying a pink rose my bf gave to me. I had a new skirt on. As I go to dance lessons and have eaten better, I have lost weight!
I walked confidently and was smiling. Then I realized my ex had been staring and when I looked up he acted as if he had not been glancing at me.
This "I can move on from whatever, even your madness. You cannot control me. Nothing in my life is up to you anymore" feeling is the best prize ever!!
I hope I can keep moving forward so I get it more often!
Yesterday I was happy carrying a pink rose my bf gave to me. I had a new skirt on. As I go to dance lessons and have eaten better, I have lost weight!
I walked confidently and was smiling. Then I realized my ex had been staring and when I looked up he acted as if he had not been glancing at me.
This "I can move on from whatever, even your madness. You cannot control me. Nothing in my life is up to you anymore" feeling is the best prize ever!!
I hope I can keep moving forward so I get it more often!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
