round4

Hi,

Reading the some of the threads on this board has helped me realize, some things I need to do.

My mother was and still is an alcoholic, my ex hubby (married for 17 years...alcoholic...

I learned throughout time and experience to set boundaries and stick to them with my mom...we now have a great relationship...I learned to accept her for who she is, but she also knows and respects my boundries...That took about 30 years to accomplish, and only after I didn't see her for 11 years.

My ex only quit drinking (so he says)after I left him....but it was too late, he squashed out any love I had for him. His drinking built up slowly over many years...I spent all my waking moments with my kids. My whole life was them. I set boundries for my ex and he crossed that line one too many times. So we divorced. Unfortunately, his family had money and I had none with a legal aid attorney who never filed not one motion on my behalf...and I lost my kids after a 1 and a half year battle, with his admitted drinking problem that he "so called" was cured within a few weeks!

He took my kids out of state and they were not allowed to contact me or else "there would be consequeces" and these consequences did happen because they did contact me periodically and I constantly have been in court fighting this battle for over 6 years!!!! This story alone can be a movie!

Well, my middle child who is now 20 years old had been searching for me for 2 years...she was kicked out of the house for trying to find me...(the ex hid my number and told people I was dead) Then I got a phone call last June and was extremely surprised to find that it was my daughter...hysterical and crying!

She found my number left by mistake by my ex on his caller ID...

Well, she is now with me, she got here this past week...She brought her boyfriend (who she can't live without and actually is a nice guy) BUT...They BOTH have drinking and over-the-counter/prescription drugs (taken from his grandmother) problem!!!

The other day my daughter started getting out some of her feelings...and she cried and cried...and I held her like I did when she was a baby for a long long time...The song "Ice Castles was playing and that is what set her off".

We were very close and still are, but with this drinking, I don't know how long I can handle it...

Tonight, her boyfriend passed out in a chair and when she went to wake him up and grabbed her throat. Then she punched him in the arm and then he pushed her...well, my now hubby who is great, stepped in and stopped it...

My daughter was extremely embarrased and when she went into their room, we could hear more problems..I told them to get up that I wanted to talk to them...

They had every excuse of why not...but I held my ground and my daughter came out..the first thing she did was..try to get the bottle of vodka to get her boyfriend a drink...I took it out of her hand and said...no way...we are going to talk and I want you as sober as possible...tell xxxx to come out here...she went in and came out..saying...he is too embarrased...he is crying...I said, I don't care about crying and stop making excuses for him, that crying don't work with me...

After waiting and he wouldn't come out..I went in there...and the the first thing I found he was mad at himself for crying...he said, he was not allowed to do that...after clearing why he CAN cry...got into the cause of his actions...the alcohol mixed with vicodin...he said he NEEDS the vodka so he can sleep. I told him no way, that if he can't sleep, I will take him to the ER and we will get help ( of course, that was a no go, but cleared up that excuse!)...He apparently has not been able to sleep since he was 13...He may have auto-immune disease since it runs in the family.

I know my daughter has it...she has a goiter and all the same symptoms as me...and I have Graves disease...Alcohol will come the effects of hyperthyroid, BUT it will make you more hypothyroid and then more hyperthyroid..or alone I know alcohol can make you hypothyroid if you have no auto-immune disease...

These kids need counseling and GOOD medical help...my daughter wants to see a counselor, but there is no medical insurance..

After I talked with the boyfriend, I talked with my daughter who was trying to get the vodka...my now hubby was holding her off...I brought up the problem again with her...she got extremely defensive..and was saying I don't want to deal with this right now...which is her way of squirting her issues she needs to deal with...We have been talking alot and I think she is starting to feel secure here with me...she wants to go to counseling, which she has said several times...and she wants to deal with her drinking problem in her own way...hmmmmm

They both are very smart and have so many wonderful dreams they think they are going to accomplish in the state they are in...I know better...they both lost their jobs recently because of drinking on the job...

Does anyone know of some way for me to find counseling where there is no insurance? Are there any programs for a one to one counselor for them? I am feeling desparate! And one thing I won't allow is EXCUSES!!!

For my mom, though I love her dearly...she was my mom and I always knew I would be old enough some day to leave and eventually, I was...my ex squashed the love I had for him..so that was easy...but this is my daughter and also her boyfriend too, who is a nice kid...I can tell he's had little guidance...It is as if these two are stuck in high school, though they are 20 and 21. Both of her boyfriends parent are alcoholics too...

SOOOO...here I go again...plus I have my youngest who is actually my niece who is my sister's daughter (my sister is a druggie/alcoholic...I have had her since she was one. I don't want her influenced by their steady drinking...I feel soooo catch 22...I just get my daughter back and I feel like I need to work with her a little...and I worry about my daughter/niece who is 10. She is not getting good sleep at night with all this partying.

I think I set a little bit of a boundry tonight...but I KNOW I have to do more in this area...the sooner the better!!!..

Sorry for writing so much!!! I just started and kept on going. Any feedback would be really apprieciated!

Debbie

Welcome round4,

Boy you sure do have a lot going on.

I don't have a lot of expertise in this matter but I am sure others will be along shortly.

I do work for the welfare office in PA and I see people coming in quite often to get medical assistance for rehab/detox problems. They get it by having the rehab fill out the form and of course show they meet the other qualifications (in our state I believe the qualification are more lenient if you are under 21). I believe their is also funding through the county if they don't meet the state requirements. You may want to check into your local social services organizations.

I am sure you know by now that you can't make them get help. They need to want to do it.

Take a read at the power posts at the top of anon forums and keep on coming back. We care here. You will find a lot of support and love

Again welcome.

Many hugs,
Debbie

smoke gets in my eyes

Welcome round4. That link will help you access information about resources available in your state. I noticed they had the samhsa.org link on the page... that's a facility locator that will take you to a listing of facilities near and also explain the kind of payment (or non payment) they expect. Unfortunately the samhsa server seems to be down this morning, but keep trying. It's very handy.

Your daughter had the fortitude to find you. Here's hoping and praying that strength continues to serve her to find a way out of substance abuse.

And for you...

Big HUGS!
Smoke

JT

Welcome!

I know where you are...I dumped one husband only to have my son become an alcoholic...whole new ball game.

It sounds like you are doing alot of the right things. Like Deb above said, check with social sevice agencies and check into the welfare department if they are unemployed. Also many services are based on the ability to pay and they are technically adults with no income. Go online and find your area, make calls and ask the ones you call for more possibilties, too.

Personally I would gather the info and it give it to them and watch for the "I won't" and "I can't"s. If there is a willingness, then I might help walk them through the arrangements.

Remember they are in YOUR home and make the rules clear.

Also one last thing...when it is our child there is an emotional war inside of us that is like no other. Take time for you. If you have nor attended alanon, now would be a good time to start. When it is our kids the problem isn't going to go away so we need all the support we an get.

Good luck,
JT

round4

Thank you everyone for your replies!!!

I intend to check into all of them!!

When my daughter got up yesterday, she was very embarrased...and the first thing she did was say...that her boyfriend was still asleep when he grabbed her throat...I told her to STOP making excuses for him. She's afraid he is going to leave and go back to CA. I told her if he does then that is what was meant to be. He wouldn't even come out of the bedroom until 3pm!!! So I gather he was embarrased too! I told her that she has said over and over about going to counseling. I told her there are programs and that I am sure we could find one...When she was ready, just let me know. It's up to her it's her life, and her future, and that there was NO WAY I was going to try to STOP her from drinking. That I was sorry if her boyfriend is embarrased...that he should be...and what kind of mom would I be, if I allowed ANYONE to grab MY daughter by the throat, right in front of me, in MY house. She said nothing, just nodded in agreement. I said that something we all have to work on is NO more late night loudness and talking all night, everyone is tired, her sister has to go to school, etc.. She agreed to that too..

I have found she is having trouble talking about anything unless she has alcohol in her system...she was not like that before with me. She tells me everything..she always has. So I am going to work on having deeper conversations with her, while she is not under the influence. I can see she built a box around herself.

They still had 6 beers and about an inch of vodka left...and here in CT the liquor stores are closed Sundays...so I was wondering how they were going to handle that.

My daughter all day long was doing great...she asked if she could draw, which she never does, but my now hubby is quite influencial in Art, she drew a really nice picture and i sat with her while she burnt the edges...then after all day of trying to kiss up to me...pointing out the fact that she has a job interview tommorrow and her "poor" boyfriend is embarrased and for me to act normal (she was begging for me to not say anything about the night before) and cleaning the kitchen....LOL

I used the advice from one of the posts...make sure to keep my own space...I just went about MY own business and DID NOT make THEM priority! I KNOW she felt the difference and it bothered her.

When her boyfriend got up, he wouldn't even look at me...he just talked to me looking down or a quick glance.

I wondered when they would go for the beer. About 5 they each took one, went and sat on the front porch. I went out to sit with them and saw the beer and went right back in the house. The went for a walk after that. Then during dinner my hubby and I acted like nothing happened and talked about his day at work and kept the conversation on positive things. When they finally went for the rest of their alcohol. Hubby and I said...Oh boy, time for bed...It was about 10pm. We went to bed.

So it was a good day overall. They are NOT comfortable with drinking in the house. One thing I have learned from the past is the more comfortable they are drinking around us, the more WE pay!

I'm going now to check into the links and today I will call our social service office.

Thanks for your help! It is SOOOO much easier to deal with this with others who understand! Before the internet, it was really tough!