self doubt again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
self doubt again.
even though i defriended him, i can still see his profile pic, and it looks like he's got a girl in it. UGH. how do you deal with this, with the fact that they're moving on and you still feel like you're holding onto something they obviously let go of a long time ago? how does a person just dump someone and move on so quickly? i can't understand how he once said i was the most important person in his life, and now he's moved on to someone else? without looking back at all??
why am i still pining over the good days? why don't i have him, like i should for everything that he did to me, for the way he treated me without any respect or caring.
then this brings back the questions and self-doubt. they look like they're having fun in the picture. what if i just blew the whole alcoholism thing out of proportion? what if he is just having fun? what if i'm a stick in the mud who just likes to control people?
why does he still affect me so much? he's obviously not giving any second thoughts to me or my well-being. he probably never loved me if he can swiftly cut me out of his life and move on to someone else.
why am i still pining over the good days? why don't i have him, like i should for everything that he did to me, for the way he treated me without any respect or caring.
then this brings back the questions and self-doubt. they look like they're having fun in the picture. what if i just blew the whole alcoholism thing out of proportion? what if he is just having fun? what if i'm a stick in the mud who just likes to control people?
why does he still affect me so much? he's obviously not giving any second thoughts to me or my well-being. he probably never loved me if he can swiftly cut me out of his life and move on to someone else.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: B.C. Canada
Posts: 16
:prayingQueenie88 I have many of the same feelings you do, WHY WHY WHY. Alcoholism is a big issue. I have been trying to accept that it wasn't all "him", I found it so easy t blame him for everything, not true. I see after reading thru these threads that I added to the dysfunction as much as he did. Not to say he wasn't abusive, I stayed with him, in an unhealthy, potentially dangerous situation. My abandonment fears kept me paralyzed. My ex had other women throughout our entire 4yr relationship, I looked the other way and always took him back, YUK, all in the name of love. I ended our relationship just over a week ago and at times I am consumed by FEAR.Without him I live in poverty, trying to complete college, and the loneliness is overwhelming at times. But, Queenie, on the up side, I am going to work hard on myself, and with the grace of god, I will eventually find a partner that loves me for who I am, not a babysitter for a raging alcoholic. Keep your chin up and this will pass in time.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Queenie, you being a good person or a happy person or any kind of person whatsoever has NOTHING TO DO with whether or not that man loves you or cares about you. The only person you need to validate your existence is YOU.
Its one of the hardest parts of being codependent to need external validation of our worth and get almost none of it from ourselves. Its hard work to do to learn that the only opinion of us that truly matters is our own, but that is indeed the goal of getting past this relationship.
Is there any way you can set a "no looking at his FB picture" limit on yourself?
Self talk helps me. Just yesterday J said something to me that was really designed to get a reaction, and it upset me and although I did not respond to him, just got off the phone, I found myself kind of obsessing on it and getting angry and reactive. So I had to spend a lot of time talking to myself, saying things like "that is only his opinion, it isn't reality. His opinion isn't more important than my own. He is feeling bad so he is trying to make me feel bad; it isn't necessary for me to feel bad. " I repeated this a lot over the day, prayed a lot, counted my blessings a lot, and even now, writing about it, his comment has no power to upset me. Two months ago I would have been angry for days.
You just gotta keep walking the walk. Do the steps. As many times as necessary. Get to a meeting, see your therapist, talk to us. You can do it! You are a beautiful person and you are worthy of love.
Its one of the hardest parts of being codependent to need external validation of our worth and get almost none of it from ourselves. Its hard work to do to learn that the only opinion of us that truly matters is our own, but that is indeed the goal of getting past this relationship.
Is there any way you can set a "no looking at his FB picture" limit on yourself?
Self talk helps me. Just yesterday J said something to me that was really designed to get a reaction, and it upset me and although I did not respond to him, just got off the phone, I found myself kind of obsessing on it and getting angry and reactive. So I had to spend a lot of time talking to myself, saying things like "that is only his opinion, it isn't reality. His opinion isn't more important than my own. He is feeling bad so he is trying to make me feel bad; it isn't necessary for me to feel bad. " I repeated this a lot over the day, prayed a lot, counted my blessings a lot, and even now, writing about it, his comment has no power to upset me. Two months ago I would have been angry for days.
You just gotta keep walking the walk. Do the steps. As many times as necessary. Get to a meeting, see your therapist, talk to us. You can do it! You are a beautiful person and you are worthy of love.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Hi Queenie. Sounds like we're in a similar situation.
I also just don't understand how someone can cut you out of their life and move onto someone else so quickly. My xabf didn't miss a step, after telling me I was the love of his life for a long time.
This morning I had the pleasure of a new photo on Facebook showing his hand on his new love interest's thighs! Nice. This is a young woman who he was flirting with while we were breaking up. Maybe he was even unfaithful to me with her. There's no way to know.
I've also been through a lot of self doubt. Maybe his drinking wasn't that bad, maybe I'm just uptight and looking for problems - after all, he's just fine and happy now and I'm a mess.
But then I try to remember some reality:
-8 or more drinks EVERY NIGHT
-stinky alcoholic bedroom every morning
-hole that he punched in my bathroom wall
-mood swings every day
-raging when I tried brining up problems
-stonewalling
-withdrawing
-passive aggressive comments and actions
I could go on and on. I just wish that I didn't have to make an effort to remember this stuff. Why can't I get it in my heart that he's just not worth my love and attention?
So yeah, I understand how you feel. Hope we get a good dose of wisdom on this thread from people who've got through this.
I also just don't understand how someone can cut you out of their life and move onto someone else so quickly. My xabf didn't miss a step, after telling me I was the love of his life for a long time.
This morning I had the pleasure of a new photo on Facebook showing his hand on his new love interest's thighs! Nice. This is a young woman who he was flirting with while we were breaking up. Maybe he was even unfaithful to me with her. There's no way to know.
I've also been through a lot of self doubt. Maybe his drinking wasn't that bad, maybe I'm just uptight and looking for problems - after all, he's just fine and happy now and I'm a mess.
But then I try to remember some reality:
-8 or more drinks EVERY NIGHT
-stinky alcoholic bedroom every morning
-hole that he punched in my bathroom wall
-mood swings every day
-raging when I tried brining up problems
-stonewalling
-withdrawing
-passive aggressive comments and actions
I could go on and on. I just wish that I didn't have to make an effort to remember this stuff. Why can't I get it in my heart that he's just not worth my love and attention?
So yeah, I understand how you feel. Hope we get a good dose of wisdom on this thread from people who've got through this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Keep working on your recovery Queenie! Remember it will always be hard when you keep looking at him and trying to analyze his actions. You said it yourself, for everything you put up with in your relationship-- but why would you want him as a reward for that? If it was always about 'putting up with' things and trying hard, and not about him being a wonderful man to you, then why do you want it? It's difficult to see anyone you've been with move on or show off another love interest or fling. But you'd feel better if you were out doing fun things for yourself, I think.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Stop looking at his pic. As we now know a picture ain't necessarily true, and looking happy can hide a multitude of anything but.
An addict could NOT CARE LESS about who supports his habit, as long as someone does it his way he is fine.
This relationship was obviously NOT for you, nor in your best interests, but him going may be the greatest blessing of your life, because now YOU can make one that gives you satisfaction, success, happiness and real love.
Let this useless loser get out of your head and heart, and free up room for the good stuff you want, need and deserve.
God bless
An addict could NOT CARE LESS about who supports his habit, as long as someone does it his way he is fine.
This relationship was obviously NOT for you, nor in your best interests, but him going may be the greatest blessing of your life, because now YOU can make one that gives you satisfaction, success, happiness and real love.
Let this useless loser get out of your head and heart, and free up room for the good stuff you want, need and deserve.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
Queenie, the sad fact of life is that people who don't deserve to be happy DO somehow manage to find it sometimes. We want instant retribution. We want to see a FB picture of him with zits and looking like a derelict. We want to see that he has no FB friends or only a couple of losers. It's hard when someone who has hurt us gets some happiness because it is unjust.
Keep reminding yourself that his happiness is fleeting.
My ABF dumped his wife several years ago. She was heartbroken. It was really hard for her to see him happy with me. Had she only known - we were happy after we met for about 3 months. Then everything started going drastically downhill. And I have been miserable for at least 3 years. She never knew that.
I actually met her not long ago, through her children. We were all at a party. This is after I had kicked him out of the house. We went off for a nice chat and I told her how miserable I had been over the last few years. She and I actually ended up being friends. Well, not call each other on the phone friends. Allies, I guess.
I could tell that she was happy to know the real truth - that he was NOT happy and that WE had not been happy except for a short time.
The same is probably true with your ex. A happy smiling pictures does not equal happiness. He is an alcoholic. She is, or soon will, be faced with the same crap he heaped on you. Believe me, there is no real happiness there - you just aren't in a position to see what's really happening.
You look towards finding YOUR happiness. You are healthy and you have the ability to be happy without him. He is an alcoholic and will only find happiness in a bottle.
Keep reminding yourself that his happiness is fleeting.
My ABF dumped his wife several years ago. She was heartbroken. It was really hard for her to see him happy with me. Had she only known - we were happy after we met for about 3 months. Then everything started going drastically downhill. And I have been miserable for at least 3 years. She never knew that.
I actually met her not long ago, through her children. We were all at a party. This is after I had kicked him out of the house. We went off for a nice chat and I told her how miserable I had been over the last few years. She and I actually ended up being friends. Well, not call each other on the phone friends. Allies, I guess.
I could tell that she was happy to know the real truth - that he was NOT happy and that WE had not been happy except for a short time.
The same is probably true with your ex. A happy smiling pictures does not equal happiness. He is an alcoholic. She is, or soon will, be faced with the same crap he heaped on you. Believe me, there is no real happiness there - you just aren't in a position to see what's really happening.
You look towards finding YOUR happiness. You are healthy and you have the ability to be happy without him. He is an alcoholic and will only find happiness in a bottle.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Queenie, probably because we still may have a little denial left over. Probably because we do not understand, cannot even fathom, the depths of this disease. You do not know how very sick he is. You see a photograph, you catch a moment's glimpse in time, and you think you understand. But you don't. I don't. We don't. We can't because this disease is just so much bigger than any of us and anything we are equipped to handle.
Before he disrespected you. Before he hurt you. Before he did all the things he did that ever disturbed you in any way. He hurt HIMSELF. And he is continuing to hurt himself. And those people that he chooses to surround himself with are all just like him. They are not really friends. They don't really care about one another. They use eachother so that they can continue to behave the way they behave. They are no "better" than you and you are not being left out of anything worth being a part of. It is a very sick and demented life they live.
Oh, sweetheart, you didn't. In fact, you probably did not blow it up big enough.
I had these doubts about myself once long ago. But since I've grown and learned and grown some more, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these self-doubts are a result of the sickness that spreads from the disease, to the alcoholic/addict, to the relationship, and on to you. The way you think and feel and act are all dictated by the disease. And the further away from it you get, and the longer you stay away from it, the more healthy you will become and the more sure of yourself you will be. You will see; please trust me, you are so doing the right thing even if it hurts right now.
He doesn't, honey, YOU do.
The way you think does. You have complete control over your thinking; and YOU are the ONLY person who does. The more you learn about this disease, the more you allow your perceptions of the world to change, the healthier you become and the easier it becomes to let go.
Don't you believe it for a second. If you knew at some point, in your heart, that this man loved you, then I KNOW he did. Please understand that he has a disease, and it's a REAL disease. And this disease prevents him from acting and behaving the way a person who loves someone else wants to act and behave. The disease would like you to believe that it is his fault, that he never really loved you, but that just is not true. As long as you look for someone or something to blame, the sickness wins. There is nothing to blame, honey. I know that doesn't make it better, but it is the truth.
You keep focusing on yourself and your life and bettering both by your own standards, your own goals, and your own dreams, and you will come out of this shining like a star, I promise you.
Thanks for sharing. Love ya'! :ghug3
Before he disrespected you. Before he hurt you. Before he did all the things he did that ever disturbed you in any way. He hurt HIMSELF. And he is continuing to hurt himself. And those people that he chooses to surround himself with are all just like him. They are not really friends. They don't really care about one another. They use eachother so that they can continue to behave the way they behave. They are no "better" than you and you are not being left out of anything worth being a part of. It is a very sick and demented life they live.
what if i just blew the whole alcoholism thing out of proportion?
what if i'm a stick in the mud who just likes to control people?
why does he still affect me so much?
The way you think does. You have complete control over your thinking; and YOU are the ONLY person who does. The more you learn about this disease, the more you allow your perceptions of the world to change, the healthier you become and the easier it becomes to let go.
he probably never loved me if he can swiftly cut me out of his life and move on to someone else.
You keep focusing on yourself and your life and bettering both by your own standards, your own goals, and your own dreams, and you will come out of this shining like a star, I promise you.
Thanks for sharing. Love ya'! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Queenie, I totally understand how you're feeling, but as someone outside the situation I really believe what everyone else says - the happiness will be short-lived. And, he probably put that photo up in reaction to you defriending him.
I'm lucky, because due to some shenanigans I pulled on FB and Myspace, STBX took down his pages.
(Yes, I'm a horrible codependent who spied on her cheating husband. Shoot me. It's totally equally as bad as effing one of my friends. *eyeroll*)
I'm lucky, because due to some shenanigans I pulled on FB and Myspace, STBX took down his pages.
(Yes, I'm a horrible codependent who spied on her cheating husband. Shoot me. It's totally equally as bad as effing one of my friends. *eyeroll*)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Excuse me because I'll be rambling:
Hey Free, an ex did exactly the same thing
the doubts about cheating before the breakup hurt a great deal. I don't think it happened that way, but by now I do not think I would be surprised.
There comes a point where nothing about what they do is a surprise. And sometimes I learn stuff or read body language and I almost laugh, and I want to say "cmon now, F, surprise me, do SOMETHING DIFFERENT for God's sake, be a little creative "
But no, hurting and drinking is all that exists in his world.
((queenie))
I would like to say magic words to take the pain away, but I can't.
You are soooooooo blessed in that you can be far away from your ex!! And believe me if I am getting past this, witnessing everything about ex on a daily basis, YOU will heal much sooner!
I don't care about this guy AT ALL, that is a subject of interest only to entomologists (one who studies insects.) But I care a lot about you, you are like my sister.
You have a big heart, are wise in taking time to feel and learn from this (you could be sleeping around town or drinking yourself, couldn't you?) and you are very pretty too. If I showed your pic to my friends they would be hitting on you already.
It is not that you lost love, this experience is taking you one step closer to the love you imagine, the love that is REAL and never ends... "the kind that only comes from high above" like the song says. In time this will be crystal clear.
When I was there I thought my life had ended and that I would NEVER get over my pain and obsession. But I did ! Granted sometimes I go back, but I no longer spend my weekend and nights crying! I laugh again and I am even falling in love again...
I hated to hear this but its true: this is just temporary, OK??
Surfers don't fight waves, they take them as they come and ride them with grace! mourning and feelings come in waves... its natural, you are healing even if it does not feel like it. I know you are more like the snowboarder type, but as I have never done that I can't make the analogy : (
Have you read The Grief Club by Melody Beattie?? it talks about adapting to various changes. A GREAT book! grab it if you can...
In my opinion you did nothing wrong, perhaps he was the one who said the words but I bet in your attitude, the guy knew you were not going to stand his alcohol, his pot, his disrespect.
I know this because if you had given the "correct signals" (granted, "you can dance tap and stomp on my heart. i'll be your doormat") he would still be promising you the world and showering you with affectionate words and compliments and you'll still be EVERYTHING. Yeah, EVERYTHING for his ego and his addiction~!
Perhaps you two would still be together... if you had ignored your feelings and did what he wanted. If you had drank alcoholically. If you had smoked pot. If you had offered LSD, coke and mushrooms and cooked his favorite meal. Him. Everything him, get it? If you had become his clone, servant, partner in crime and made HIS ADDICTIONS ok.
Was that what your parents raised you for? what your friends wish for you? what you imagined for yourself as a little girl as GL says? NO!!
Here go my favorite links in case I hadn't shared them with you:
Dependency - Relationship
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The Prophet
Those words about the prophet, about pain carving more space in your heart for joy to come in afterwards, are SO TRUE.
Today I had a really great, great day. 3 strangers told me they felt good vibes from me, can you imagine LOL. I feel much stronger than before and you will feel it too, once you are over this. I feel much easier in my own skin. I feel safer and with more character. I feel more like myself and I am finding great traits I was blind to before.
After all this pain I like myself way more and I believe in MY dreams. You will be the happy, relaxed queenie you were, before you even met this specimen. Just more grateful and alive! more convinced about your role in this world, which is much MORE than absorbing someone else's unacknowledged pain.
Remember I am YOU a few months forward so you got to believe me !!
Dettaching and letting go an active alcoholic is TOUGH. Probably the toughest thing I have ever done. So cut yourself some slack. You were not the one who abused trust, lied, manipulated and you are discrete about your life now. If you wanted you could grab anyone and take a pic and smile and shout out how great you are now that you are FREE of a DRUNK. But you are not doing it. That is elegant and mature...
Don't use FB, or create another account with ppl that don't know him. Triggers suck...
One more thing...my mom told me she has wondered about why we hurt the closest people the most, and she arrived to the conclusion that its because in this way we can forgive... in my case I just forgot about forgiving ex altogether, it was forgiving myself what was difficult.. but its possible.
He is just a human that was not given healthy affection and never learned how to cope with pain. And he has a disease, an extra monkey on his shoulders. He is not evil and capable of great love with others but not you. What he gave you, is all he has and all he can give to you or others.
Nothing has changed in his life. As Melody Beattie says, during change, you either pay now, or pay later. Life gets tired of you making the same mistakes over and over. He may be setting himself up to live worse consequences than losing you. That is not ill wishing but if he is drinking and making sure the ones who cared are far away and want nothing to do with him... that is just progression and more denial.
Everything you lived, felt and feel is REAL. In therapy I learned it was the inexistent male figure in my life, death or absent grandfathers and dad and boyfriends, that which hurt me a lot. It was not this specific person. Perhaps your case is similar? once I talked more with my dad and tried to accept him as he is.. and value what he has done for me... not only suffer for what he did not do... I felt much much better.
Sorry for rambling so much !!
HUGS!
Hey Free, an ex did exactly the same thing
the doubts about cheating before the breakup hurt a great deal. I don't think it happened that way, but by now I do not think I would be surprised.There comes a point where nothing about what they do is a surprise. And sometimes I learn stuff or read body language and I almost laugh, and I want to say "cmon now, F, surprise me, do SOMETHING DIFFERENT for God's sake, be a little creative
" But no, hurting and drinking is all that exists in his world.
((queenie))
I would like to say magic words to take the pain away, but I can't.
You are soooooooo blessed in that you can be far away from your ex!! And believe me if I am getting past this, witnessing everything about ex on a daily basis, YOU will heal much sooner!
I don't care about this guy AT ALL, that is a subject of interest only to entomologists (one who studies insects.) But I care a lot about you, you are like my sister.
You have a big heart, are wise in taking time to feel and learn from this (you could be sleeping around town or drinking yourself, couldn't you?) and you are very pretty too. If I showed your pic to my friends they would be hitting on you already.
It is not that you lost love, this experience is taking you one step closer to the love you imagine, the love that is REAL and never ends... "the kind that only comes from high above" like the song says. In time this will be crystal clear.
When I was there I thought my life had ended and that I would NEVER get over my pain and obsession. But I did ! Granted sometimes I go back, but I no longer spend my weekend and nights crying! I laugh again and I am even falling in love again...
I hated to hear this but its true: this is just temporary, OK??
Surfers don't fight waves, they take them as they come and ride them with grace! mourning and feelings come in waves... its natural, you are healing even if it does not feel like it. I know you are more like the snowboarder type, but as I have never done that I can't make the analogy : (
Have you read The Grief Club by Melody Beattie?? it talks about adapting to various changes. A GREAT book! grab it if you can...
In my opinion you did nothing wrong, perhaps he was the one who said the words but I bet in your attitude, the guy knew you were not going to stand his alcohol, his pot, his disrespect.
I know this because if you had given the "correct signals" (granted, "you can dance tap and stomp on my heart. i'll be your doormat") he would still be promising you the world and showering you with affectionate words and compliments and you'll still be EVERYTHING. Yeah, EVERYTHING for his ego and his addiction~!
Perhaps you two would still be together... if you had ignored your feelings and did what he wanted. If you had drank alcoholically. If you had smoked pot. If you had offered LSD, coke and mushrooms and cooked his favorite meal. Him. Everything him, get it? If you had become his clone, servant, partner in crime and made HIS ADDICTIONS ok.
Was that what your parents raised you for? what your friends wish for you? what you imagined for yourself as a little girl as GL says? NO!!
Here go my favorite links in case I hadn't shared them with you:
Dependency - Relationship
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The Prophet
Those words about the prophet, about pain carving more space in your heart for joy to come in afterwards, are SO TRUE.
Today I had a really great, great day. 3 strangers told me they felt good vibes from me, can you imagine LOL. I feel much stronger than before and you will feel it too, once you are over this. I feel much easier in my own skin. I feel safer and with more character. I feel more like myself and I am finding great traits I was blind to before.
After all this pain I like myself way more and I believe in MY dreams. You will be the happy, relaxed queenie you were, before you even met this specimen. Just more grateful and alive! more convinced about your role in this world, which is much MORE than absorbing someone else's unacknowledged pain.
Remember I am YOU a few months forward so you got to believe me !!
Dettaching and letting go an active alcoholic is TOUGH. Probably the toughest thing I have ever done. So cut yourself some slack. You were not the one who abused trust, lied, manipulated and you are discrete about your life now. If you wanted you could grab anyone and take a pic and smile and shout out how great you are now that you are FREE of a DRUNK. But you are not doing it. That is elegant and mature...
Don't use FB, or create another account with ppl that don't know him. Triggers suck...
One more thing...my mom told me she has wondered about why we hurt the closest people the most, and she arrived to the conclusion that its because in this way we can forgive... in my case I just forgot about forgiving ex altogether, it was forgiving myself what was difficult.. but its possible.
He is just a human that was not given healthy affection and never learned how to cope with pain. And he has a disease, an extra monkey on his shoulders. He is not evil and capable of great love with others but not you. What he gave you, is all he has and all he can give to you or others.
Nothing has changed in his life. As Melody Beattie says, during change, you either pay now, or pay later. Life gets tired of you making the same mistakes over and over. He may be setting himself up to live worse consequences than losing you. That is not ill wishing but if he is drinking and making sure the ones who cared are far away and want nothing to do with him... that is just progression and more denial.
Everything you lived, felt and feel is REAL. In therapy I learned it was the inexistent male figure in my life, death or absent grandfathers and dad and boyfriends, that which hurt me a lot. It was not this specific person. Perhaps your case is similar? once I talked more with my dad and tried to accept him as he is.. and value what he has done for me... not only suffer for what he did not do... I felt much much better.
Sorry for rambling so much !!
HUGS!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 10-28-2009 at 10:02 PM.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Queenie,
I have been in your position before, about a year ago, I enforced my boundaries with my ABF and kicked him out. Two days later, he began seeing someone else. I live in a small town and got to hear all about his new woman and how they were at the bar together, and he wasn't even drunk...he "seemed" happy and I was quite the mess.
One month later, he calls me. Not because he had an epiphany and wanted to change, but because they started having problems, and she was starting to show no tolerance for his behavior. One month is all it took.
Guess what? I took him back, and got stuck back with the same ol, same ol. He went back to her one more time, and came back again, obviously with my permission. That was in late winter, early spring. Here I am, months later, dealing with his b.s. again. She is with another man, a good man who treats her well.
They do not all of a sudden have this happy life, I think the alcohol and/or drugs helps make it seem like they do. Heck, if I were to self medicate with alcohol every day, I might be able to fake being that happy, too.
(((HUGS))) to you. I know how hard this is, but you WILL get through this, his behavior has no bearing on the kind of person you are.
I have been in your position before, about a year ago, I enforced my boundaries with my ABF and kicked him out. Two days later, he began seeing someone else. I live in a small town and got to hear all about his new woman and how they were at the bar together, and he wasn't even drunk...he "seemed" happy and I was quite the mess.
One month later, he calls me. Not because he had an epiphany and wanted to change, but because they started having problems, and she was starting to show no tolerance for his behavior. One month is all it took.
Guess what? I took him back, and got stuck back with the same ol, same ol. He went back to her one more time, and came back again, obviously with my permission. That was in late winter, early spring. Here I am, months later, dealing with his b.s. again. She is with another man, a good man who treats her well.
They do not all of a sudden have this happy life, I think the alcohol and/or drugs helps make it seem like they do. Heck, if I were to self medicate with alcohol every day, I might be able to fake being that happy, too.
(((HUGS))) to you. I know how hard this is, but you WILL get through this, his behavior has no bearing on the kind of person you are.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I have self doubts when ever I am lonely. I start remembering how nice it was to have someone rub my feet, help pay the bills, and love me.
Then, just like when I am romanticizing booze, I have to play the tape to the end. I have to remember the weeks of silence and hostile stares. The nights peeking out, checking on him while he chatted on sex sites and drank til the sun came up. The vomit. The smell coming from his pours.
I did what I could, we did what we could, but having a relationship with a drunk is like dating something from a different species. We think differently. We act and react differently, and we just don't stand a chance at happiness as long as we are with them in my opinion.
Feel sorry for the new girl, or feel disgust, because either she is a nice girl embarking on a horrible journey with your ex-drunk, or she is one of them, a sick minded person he can share his madness with.
Then, just like when I am romanticizing booze, I have to play the tape to the end. I have to remember the weeks of silence and hostile stares. The nights peeking out, checking on him while he chatted on sex sites and drank til the sun came up. The vomit. The smell coming from his pours.
I did what I could, we did what we could, but having a relationship with a drunk is like dating something from a different species. We think differently. We act and react differently, and we just don't stand a chance at happiness as long as we are with them in my opinion.
Feel sorry for the new girl, or feel disgust, because either she is a nice girl embarking on a horrible journey with your ex-drunk, or she is one of them, a sick minded person he can share his madness with.
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