BuffaloGal

Warning... vent... this is a situation I can handle, I just don't want to sound irritable and unreasonable to anyone who hasn't had to deal with the storm systems that the average alcoholic generates in the lives of those around them.

I got a request yesterday from my former husband's girlfriend for permission to take my child to the doctor for an ongoing behavioral problem (It isn't alcohol related. I've been aware of it since she was about 4. Evidence suggests that it's genetic and she got it from me). While I don't want to give anyone power over me, I find my former husband's girlfriend to be particularly difficult to deal with, and I get anxious knots in my stomach every time I see her name in the sender line in my email account. Lately I've been deleting her child related emails unread. But this one I opened, cause I haven't seen my daughter for 4 days.

I've explained several times that my child's dad and I are the decision makers in my daughter's life, and I resent her making Mom decisions, and her dad needs to talk to me about any problems he sees our daughter having. Her dad, of course, has retreated in horror from any suggestion that it might be his job to put a leash on his... girlfriend's interference. In my limited interaction with her, my impression is that no one's opinion is real to her except her own, and she pushes hard and relentlessly for problems to be solved her way, until the people around her give up in exhaustion.

A year or so ago, I told her that my daughter had this particular behavioral problem now under discussion. She responded that she had interacted with lots of children, my daughter couldn't possibly have this issue, I was projecting my own problems onto her.

My problem in all this is that high dominance people totally make me come unglued. I go to pieces in confrontations, even if I know, basically, they're wrong and I'm not. And I am guilty of seeing the best in people even when it maybe is only their potential best; that's how I got to be married to an alcoholic in the first place. I know she does mean well, so I've let her take over my daughter's school life unchecked. My bad. I'm lazy and scared of fights.

So now Queen Bee has set herself up as the female parent figure for my daughter at her school, and what I need to do is march in there and take the school back. Volunteer, talk to her teachers, reiterate with the counselor that my child's issues are to be discussed with her dad and me only, pee on the corner of the building... etc. I hate doing this kind of thing. I'm introverted and passive, and am still kind of horrified when adults behave badly and wish they'd quit it.

Today I'm working on getting a referral for an appointment for my daughter, for an appointment that I'll be taking her to. And I'll contact the school about volunteering, and I'll survive, but I RESENT HAVING TO DO ALL THIS STUFF. AAAAARRRGGGH. Uuuuugggh. Owwwww!

--BG

Cowgirl1265

Vent away, BG. I'm a mom of kids with issues, and that kind of interference would be really hard for me to be polite about. Your ex's GF sounds like a nightmare, sorry you're having to deal with this.

JenT1968

gosh, what a nightmare. I guess at least she asked, and she cares about your children, that at least is positive. But wow, way to overstep boundaries. A short, sharp, "no" will hopefully suffice, and re the school: it shouldn't matter who volunteers, YOU are her mum. Write to the school and state that no-one except you and her dad are to be contacted regarding school issues, and that both of you are to be informed of everything.

transformyself

Girl I am so sorry. My first reaction would be to sit her down and let her know this isn't acceptable. But you may have to outsmart her, considering she's such a bully. That's waht you've got to do with bullies, you know. Out smart them.

Do you have anything legal in place that you can take to the school? Schools generally do not want to break the law when it comes to divorce and family law.

Jazzman

This is excellent advice. You are well within your parental rights to request a meeting at the school with all the teachers, principal, guidance counselors, etc. to remind the school just exactly who is the parent here. Since your ex is hiding his head in the sand the responsibility falls on you and you alone. Make this clear to the school and your problem will be solved as much as her inserting herself between you and the school. Same thing can be done with any pediatrician.

I am very aware of what it's like to co parent with ex's and step parents in the mix. It's a fine line and one would hope that everyone is reasonable. But sometimes you have to be the alpha silver back even if it's not your style.

DeeBee

Probably a stupid question - but you said you hadn't seen her in 4 days.... does she live with Dad and g/f? Tho' I do totally understand your feelings of being bullied... if your daughter is living with them - it puts a different light on most answers. I was a step child, had stepchildren, now have a different set of step and adopted grandkids, and have become very involved in young child foster care - so I understand many issues from several standpoints.

I feel your pain... I think I may have several of the same 'domineering' issues. Gets my back up - even when it doesn't need to be. One silver lining... she (the g/f) does stay in contact... better than finding out via the grapevine or years after -the-fact that things happened.

Update, I'm interested to hear how things turn out.

BuffaloGal

No, that's a reasonable comment-- she lives at my house half the time, and theirs half the time. This past weekend was a dad weekend. When I saw the girlfriend's e-mail I was terrified that my daughter might have gotten H1N1 flu-- lots of my friends and some of their children around here have in the past 2 weeks-- so I opened it.

Last year I had the talk with the school psychologist in which she asked me if the girlfriend's involvement at school was okay with me. I said, volunteering is okay. Discussing my child's progress is not, and going to parent teacher conferences is not. Time for another chat.

Thanks all for listening, I'll let you know how it goes.

Ago

So she's domineering, controlling, runs everyone's life but her own, knows "what's best" for everyone and isn't afraid to tell them, steamrolls over everyone in order to get her own way in everyone else's life, she "helps" everyone around her whether they ask for it not, frequently gives unsolicited advice, and no one's opinion is real to her but her own.

That sounds like a perfectly awful set of qualities to have to deal with.

Your ex-husband is an alcoholic yes?

Alcoholics frequently pick these qualities in a partner, taken together they are frequently known as "codependent behavior"

I am incredibly sorry you have to deal with this, I have more experience with people of this type then I'd care to admit.

tjp613

BG, I dealt with EXACTLY the same issues as these but in my case she was my ex's new wife. UGH. Nice enough girl and all that, but let me tell you, as soon as that ring was on her finger she was out to be SUPER MOM!! (She had no kids of her own). At first I was Ok with talking to her about stuff but soon it ended up that she was the ONLY one I was talking to about the kids. I'd write my exhusband an email and SHE would answer!! I'd call and leave a message for him and SHE would call me back!!! It was getting ridiculous. So I had a chat with my ex and flat out told him that I wasn't going to talk to her about OUR children ... he fought it and fought it because he's a weenie and can't go to the bathroom w/o her permission. Anyway....I just stuck to my guns...I simply started refusing to talk to her at all about the kids affairs and only talked to my exhusband by telephone ... never by email. It finally worked, but lemme tell you, it wasn't easy! So, I understand exactly what you are going thru and I am truly sorry for the aggravation!!

Please try to find it within you to have a talk with your ex and his gf and TELL THEM how it's going to be....then stick to it.

Good luck! Be strong!

Free108

About the volunteering thing, unless you feel like doing that, I don't think that you need to feel obligated just to somehow prove your position as your daughter's mother. You are her mother and that's that. Stepmother can volunteer all she likes, you're not in competition.
On the other hand, if you feel like doing it, then great. I've enjoyed it sometimes, although as a working mother, I haven't had much time for it and I certainly don't give myself a hard time about that.
Also, if you don't want to directly deal with this bully, just talk to the school and the doctor directly and send her an email telling her that you have everything in hand, thank you.

BuffaloGal

To someone who grew up without the slightest trace of alcoholism in three generations, ie me, this is utterly bizarre. I know you're right (and have bitten my tongue when tempted to tell my ex that I saw her picture in the dictionary under "codependent"). When we were married, he once told me he wished I would nag him more. I thought, next he's going to want me to take up pole dancing as a hobby. What is he smoking, that he would suggest harping on his flaws as a positive wifely quality?

TJP-- your ex must be married to my husband's girlfriend. Thanks for the success story. Part of me so wants to shrug and just stay mad instead of doing anything, but in the long run that's not too different from drinking the problem away, huh.

Free-- I do want to volunteer, and I hate feeling like a limp spaghetti noodle because I'm somewhat intimidated. She was there first, and she's good at networking and socializing and dealing with children, and I'm not.

My ex blames her pushiness on her religious upbringing. OK, if he wants to think that... I know many members of her denomination whose relationships don't include addiction and verbal combat.

coyote21

Or perhaps you could just shove her down in the mud?

I know, I know......too old school and not particularly politically correct. It would make me happy though.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

wanting

I think you should walk up to her, take your glove off your hand, slap her with it, then challenge her to a duel.

Ago

Or just tell her normally you'd Buggy Whip her in the middle of town but it's so ill bred to thrash the servants

I actually said that once, it was quite satisfying