How to approach him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 19
How to approach him?
How do you approach some one who admits they are a problem drinker, but refuses to believe they are an alcoholic? I fear if I mention AA or Al-Anon that his ears will close. I want to tell him that he needs help, that I care for him but cannot be more than a friend because his drinking and gambling are a problem. I tried to have this conversation two weeks ago and he managed to convince me that he had things under control. It is apparent to me now that nothing could be further from the truth. I want to be direct and honest but not too harsh where he will not listen. Any suggestions?
I've been reading your boards - they are so helpful and I appreciate them so much.
I've been reading your boards - they are so helpful and I appreciate them so much.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull up the keyboard and make yourself at home.
Since you have read the boards, you have seen the three C's, right?
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this
What you can do is take care of yourself. Begin to take your focus off the A (alcoholic) in your life and begin to live your life. You can still love and support the A, but you need to allow the A to live their life too.
Alanon is for you. You will meet people that have experienced the same things you have. You will learn tools to help you take control of your own life. You will also find lots of support here at SR.
Trying to have a conversation with an alcoholic about their addiction is frustrating. All they hear you say is: whine, whine, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah. They in turn twist everything you say into denial and manipulation and it sounds like: quack, quack, quack.....
Stick around, we're glad you're here reaching out for answers!
Pull up the keyboard and make yourself at home.
Since you have read the boards, you have seen the three C's, right?
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this
What you can do is take care of yourself. Begin to take your focus off the A (alcoholic) in your life and begin to live your life. You can still love and support the A, but you need to allow the A to live their life too.
Alanon is for you. You will meet people that have experienced the same things you have. You will learn tools to help you take control of your own life. You will also find lots of support here at SR.
Trying to have a conversation with an alcoholic about their addiction is frustrating. All they hear you say is: whine, whine, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah. They in turn twist everything you say into denial and manipulation and it sounds like: quack, quack, quack.....
Stick around, we're glad you're here reaching out for answers!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Welcome - I've been here a week and it helps!
I think talking about it is necessary to at least identify that there is a problem.
For me and my AH, we finally had to talk about it after having big fights two Sunday nights in a row. Has there been any incident or set of incidents that has made you realize you need to talk about it? That can be your ice breaker.
My other advise would be to please only talk to them when they are sober.
There is a lot of great information on this site. I hope you find the support and info you need.
I think talking about it is necessary to at least identify that there is a problem.
For me and my AH, we finally had to talk about it after having big fights two Sunday nights in a row. Has there been any incident or set of incidents that has made you realize you need to talk about it? That can be your ice breaker.
My other advise would be to please only talk to them when they are sober.
There is a lot of great information on this site. I hope you find the support and info you need.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi txfan77!
I`m glad you found this site. It really helped me and continues to do so.
With regards to bringing things up with an alcoholic, I can only tell you what I did or rather didn't. I just stopped trying to convince my STBX that he had a problem. I got tired of smashing my face against the wall of his denial. Like Pelican said, I stopped focusing on HIM and how I could change/cure him, making him better, convince him of x,y & z. I focused on myself and how his drinking affected me. I worked to detach myself from his drama (that was HARD!). I figured out what some of my boundaries where and worked to respect them. I did a lot of thinking and decided that I wanted nothing to do with anything related to his addiction, and eventually, decided to leave him. The love I bore him is gone, destroyed by too much emotional and psychological abuse.
I assume from reading your post that this person isn't your significant other, but rather someone who's interested in becoming that to you...? It sounds like your gut reaction to his desire to be "more than just friends" is bang on; listen to your instinct!
Good luck!
I`m glad you found this site. It really helped me and continues to do so.
With regards to bringing things up with an alcoholic, I can only tell you what I did or rather didn't. I just stopped trying to convince my STBX that he had a problem. I got tired of smashing my face against the wall of his denial. Like Pelican said, I stopped focusing on HIM and how I could change/cure him, making him better, convince him of x,y & z. I focused on myself and how his drinking affected me. I worked to detach myself from his drama (that was HARD!). I figured out what some of my boundaries where and worked to respect them. I did a lot of thinking and decided that I wanted nothing to do with anything related to his addiction, and eventually, decided to leave him. The love I bore him is gone, destroyed by too much emotional and psychological abuse.
I assume from reading your post that this person isn't your significant other, but rather someone who's interested in becoming that to you...? It sounds like your gut reaction to his desire to be "more than just friends" is bang on; listen to your instinct!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
He already knows. It's just that he hasn't decided to embrace that reality, or do anything to change it, yet.
There is nothing you can say that will inform him more of this. He has to come to it on his own.
And if he never does... then what about you?
You have your life to live.
CLMI
There is nothing you can say that will inform him more of this. He has to come to it on his own.
And if he never does... then what about you?
You have your life to live.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I agree with everyone above. Deep down he probably realizes he is an alcoholic but has no desire or fears trying to change that. Therefore, living in denial and being angry with you is much easier to him.
YOU will never convince him of his addiction. He has to come to terms with this on his own.
Meanwhile, go live your life the best you can. Oh my goodness, its hard and I fail so many times but looking back I am 100% better than I used to be.
YOU will never convince him of his addiction. He has to come to terms with this on his own.
Meanwhile, go live your life the best you can. Oh my goodness, its hard and I fail so many times but looking back I am 100% better than I used to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Q: How to approach him????
A: Don't.
Reason: You are dealing with alcoholism here: the only winning move is not to play.
For me, with my X, way back when I used to try to talk with her about this kind of stuff, it was always with the goal of trying to get her to see the light of reason and how crazy she was acting and how much she was hurting herself and how much she was setting herself up to lose.
And talking to her with the expectation that she might actually be capable of participating in such a conversation as a rational adult -- talking to anyone who is under the influence of alcohol or of alcoholISM untreated by a program of recovery -- was, in fact, insanity on my part. It was also frustrating, infuriating, sad, exhausting....and absolutely, totally futile.
It's insane for a few reasons: 1) as indicated above, she was not capable of participating in the conversation; 2) I cannot control her; and 3) I do not have the right to try to control even if what I would like to make or convince her to do might actually be the right/best/most healthy thing for her.
So, someone said earlier that talking about it is necessary in order for you to identify the problem. Well, of course that's true. But the problem you need to identify here is your own, not his...so there really is no reason to talk to him about it because he is not any more capable of solving and has no more right or responsibility to solve your problem than you are/have of solving his.
So, your problem, from what you've posted thus far, appears to be that you are attracted to this A and either have or are considering having him in your life in a pretty intimate, long-term way.....despite the fact that you feel very uncomfortable with and are clearly distressed by his alcoholic behavior.
I can pretty much guarantee you that you will be hundreds of times more effective and will be using your time and energy in much, much more constructive ways if you focus it on finding a solution to your problem rather than on trying to convince him to admit to and find a solution for his.
freya
A: Don't.
Reason: You are dealing with alcoholism here: the only winning move is not to play.
For me, with my X, way back when I used to try to talk with her about this kind of stuff, it was always with the goal of trying to get her to see the light of reason and how crazy she was acting and how much she was hurting herself and how much she was setting herself up to lose.
And talking to her with the expectation that she might actually be capable of participating in such a conversation as a rational adult -- talking to anyone who is under the influence of alcohol or of alcoholISM untreated by a program of recovery -- was, in fact, insanity on my part. It was also frustrating, infuriating, sad, exhausting....and absolutely, totally futile.
It's insane for a few reasons: 1) as indicated above, she was not capable of participating in the conversation; 2) I cannot control her; and 3) I do not have the right to try to control even if what I would like to make or convince her to do might actually be the right/best/most healthy thing for her.
So, someone said earlier that talking about it is necessary in order for you to identify the problem. Well, of course that's true. But the problem you need to identify here is your own, not his...so there really is no reason to talk to him about it because he is not any more capable of solving and has no more right or responsibility to solve your problem than you are/have of solving his.
So, your problem, from what you've posted thus far, appears to be that you are attracted to this A and either have or are considering having him in your life in a pretty intimate, long-term way.....despite the fact that you feel very uncomfortable with and are clearly distressed by his alcoholic behavior.
I can pretty much guarantee you that you will be hundreds of times more effective and will be using your time and energy in much, much more constructive ways if you focus it on finding a solution to your problem rather than on trying to convince him to admit to and find a solution for his.
freya
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
TXFan - As a recovering alcoholic myself, I agree with everyone here that only the alcoholic can come to the decision that they want to stop drinking. (I love the "blah blah blah ... quack quack quack" analogy.) You can actually make it worse by enabling them longer by not letting them hit their bottom.
I believe that my wife deserved someone better than I ... when I was drinking. And so do you. There is so much pain and tragedy associated with alcoholism, so if you can "not play" as freya says, it is so much better. Perhaps think about why you are attracted to a situation that has a very good chance of ruining your own self-esteem (+ lots more)?
But, if you still want to try, start with Al Anon. But, again, as said previously, focus on what you can control = YOU. Accept what you cannot control = HIM.
I wish you the best.
I believe that my wife deserved someone better than I ... when I was drinking. And so do you. There is so much pain and tragedy associated with alcoholism, so if you can "not play" as freya says, it is so much better. Perhaps think about why you are attracted to a situation that has a very good chance of ruining your own self-esteem (+ lots more)?
But, if you still want to try, start with Al Anon. But, again, as said previously, focus on what you can control = YOU. Accept what you cannot control = HIM.
I wish you the best.
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