Turning Around and Walking Away
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Turning Around and Walking Away
It's so hard to walk away from someone we have spent so much time wishing would get clean and sober. I just realized something after reading Brendle's latest post. Trying to get an addicted or alcoholic person to change is like talking to a shrub for ten or twenty years, trying to convince it to turn into a tree, because we need and want shade over our house.
If only that damn shrub would just DO what I say!
If only the shrub would just realize its potential for growth (because I remember when I first planted it how fast and beautifully the shrub grew in those early days...) so why can't IT remember too? I had such hope for this shade tree!
I watered it, I fed it, I moved it from one place to another trying to give it the best spot so it could thrive. But that didn't work, why?
Oh, I know! If only the poor shrub hadn't come from the second-hand nursery. So I stuck it out with the shrub and went along with the game, waiting and waiting and waiting...
And I try and I try, I cry to it, I talk to it, I berate it, I kick it, I chop off its flowers to spite it. Yet still it will not frickin' grow!
Eventually, the neighbors start noticing that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with me. Eventually, I have to stop talking to shrubs and turn around and walk away. They will never turn into trees.
(I think I'm mourning the summer and dreading the deadness of winter...)
If only that damn shrub would just DO what I say!
If only the shrub would just realize its potential for growth (because I remember when I first planted it how fast and beautifully the shrub grew in those early days...) so why can't IT remember too? I had such hope for this shade tree!
I watered it, I fed it, I moved it from one place to another trying to give it the best spot so it could thrive. But that didn't work, why?
Oh, I know! If only the poor shrub hadn't come from the second-hand nursery. So I stuck it out with the shrub and went along with the game, waiting and waiting and waiting...
And I try and I try, I cry to it, I talk to it, I berate it, I kick it, I chop off its flowers to spite it. Yet still it will not frickin' grow!
Eventually, the neighbors start noticing that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with me. Eventually, I have to stop talking to shrubs and turn around and walk away. They will never turn into trees.
(I think I'm mourning the summer and dreading the deadness of winter...)
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I remember when I first planted it how fast and beautifully the shrub grew in those early days...) so why can't IT remember too?
The only thing with this analogy and our addicts is that we didn't plant them. We didn't introduce them to the tainted fertilizer that would eventually make them shrivle (sp?) up and rot away. We just saw the lonely shrub sitting there and we felt sorry for that shrub. We did all that you mentioned to try and take care of that shrub but it was just resistant to what we could do for it. So, instead of waiting for that shrub to turn into a tree.... I wished I would have just walked right on by that rotting shrub and found one more resilient to the weather changes, me not feeding it every once in awhile and knowing it will be okay, me not worrying if the rain or sun will affect it, a self sufficient shrub that requires little maintenance.
Thanks for the post, I had fun with it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
What happens when that shrub does turn into the tree you envisioned for so long. The tree is now blooming and thriving. Do we then turn into the shrub, small and insignificant in the shadow of the great big tree? All the past things said and done on our parts now haunting us...somehow worse than all the horrible lies and behavior of the former addict.
Maybe we should get out sooner...does it ever end up working out, even they do get there life on track?
Maybe we should get out sooner...does it ever end up working out, even they do get there life on track?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi justsomegirl,
I sure wish you would change your name from "justsomegirl" to "the most beautiful, most precious girl in the world!"
Is that how you feel, small and insignificant, living in the shadow of some hulking tree-man? What is haunting you? What did you do that you feel so guilty or shameful about? Is someone laying on guilt and shame? So he's on track and now you feel bad? Are you happy? Are you living life the way you want to live your life? Your post makes me so sad. Please talk to me.
I sure wish you would change your name from "justsomegirl" to "the most beautiful, most precious girl in the world!"
What happens when that shrub does turn into the tree you envisioned for so long. The tree is now blooming and thriving. Do we then turn into the shrub, small and insignificant in the shadow of the great big tree? All the past things said and done on our parts now haunting us...somehow worse than all the horrible lies and behavior of the former addict.
Maybe we should get out sooner...does it ever end up working out, even they do get there life on track?
Maybe we should get out sooner...does it ever end up working out, even they do get there life on track?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
I must be losing it.....you made me cry! I really don't know anymore. I have lived the last few years of my life making sure he was ok...and now that he is, I don't have a purpose or a use for myself. I know this is wrong and that I do have other purposes..I just need to get past this slump. I don't think that I am happy. I need to figure out how to do that. I Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
That is such a difficult question. My wife after a treatment center, another detox and maybe 50 days sober is drunk tonight. She was drinking at church tonight and brought both our kids home. See was bumping into walls on her return.
13 years of marriage. I can't change her, and up rooting the kids to live really poor isn't exactly a pretty picture. Neither is someone in the hospital from drinking and driving.
Here I sit on the fence wanting my wife back. Not too much to ask for but she isn't really mine. She belongs to God.
Today was actually a really good day for the kids and I. I know it is possible to get sober and stay sober. Many friends and I are examples.
Thanks for listening/reading!
AG
13 years of marriage. I can't change her, and up rooting the kids to live really poor isn't exactly a pretty picture. Neither is someone in the hospital from drinking and driving.
Here I sit on the fence wanting my wife back. Not too much to ask for but she isn't really mine. She belongs to God.
Today was actually a really good day for the kids and I. I know it is possible to get sober and stay sober. Many friends and I are examples.
Thanks for listening/reading!
AG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
To always growing. I'm going through the same thing now. My AH left on Thursday and I'm going to try to stay in the house as long as I can. I do realize that since he has been gone my 14 year olds seem much happier and I hear laughter. Me, laughter is still hard to come by. I miss him terribly and am worried about him. He made his choice to drink at the moment so be it. My kids are way too important, to have them leave in a peaceful house. They don't need the chaos of his verbal abuse while drinking. As most co-dependent people say, he really is a nice guy when he doesn't drink which I say all the time. It's when he drinks he's an A-hole. But, still I'm thinking he's a nice guy and I do want him back. I know now though, that I can't live with the choas and the kids can't either. I've been at work today since 4:30am and have already had 2 crying jags. 
Somewhere in my mind I think I am to blame. Did I give him the decision to make at the wrong time? Did I not try and talk with him more? Was I really that much of a nag? No, I know I didn't do anything wrong towards his drinking. He blames me for 20 years that I made him drink. Well, when I met him he was drinking living in an apartment with no job and no electricity. I should have known better but I thought I could give him a break and change him. Guess not.
At this moment I want my AH back, I say at this moment because I know that will change in time if he doesn't get sober. My children are most important and I have to remember that! I can do without a man. Even though my mind is saying no I can't.
I have very confusing thoughts.
I hope what I wrote has something to do with this thread. I don't want to hijack it. Once I start writing I can't seem to stop. I'm going to have to get out that pink journal and start writing.
Good luck to you all and remember you didn't make them drink. they made that decision and the kids are most important. They have their whole life in front of them. Ours is half over but I want to be happy, darn it!!!!!!!
Somewhere in my mind I think I am to blame. Did I give him the decision to make at the wrong time? Did I not try and talk with him more? Was I really that much of a nag? No, I know I didn't do anything wrong towards his drinking. He blames me for 20 years that I made him drink. Well, when I met him he was drinking living in an apartment with no job and no electricity. I should have known better but I thought I could give him a break and change him. Guess not. At this moment I want my AH back, I say at this moment because I know that will change in time if he doesn't get sober. My children are most important and I have to remember that! I can do without a man. Even though my mind is saying no I can't.
I have very confusing thoughts.
I hope what I wrote has something to do with this thread. I don't want to hijack it. Once I start writing I can't seem to stop. I'm going to have to get out that pink journal and start writing.
Good luck to you all and remember you didn't make them drink. they made that decision and the kids are most important. They have their whole life in front of them. Ours is half over but I want to be happy, darn it!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
To Learn to Live.
Yes with children it's very difficult. On one hand you don't want to break up the family because you think your children may rebel. The other hand if you seperate your children may rebel because the family is broke up.
With me, the children spoke up and said they didn't want their dad to live there anymore unless he is sober. Out of the mouths of babes. That was my wake up call. Me, I probably could have stayed because I just do my own thing. But with my kids saying these things just put things into perspective for me.
Yes, I am very scared for the future. I don't know if I'll have enough money to pay all the bills and give the kids what they need. For christmans they said they didn't want much anyway. they want to get a job to help me.
I told them worry about school and having fun and we'll talk about them getting a job so they have spending money. Only a couple places around here hire 14 year olds. Good ol' Market Basket and Pet Smart. They understand more than I thought. My children are truly a gift from god.
today I know there is an alanon meeting with a alateen meeting next door and I'm thinking of taking them even though they say they don't want to go. I think with alateen they get to discuss things which is good. ask questions and listen to other kids.
Thank you for listening. I'll think I'll start another thread now instead of taking over someone elses.
Yes with children it's very difficult. On one hand you don't want to break up the family because you think your children may rebel. The other hand if you seperate your children may rebel because the family is broke up.
With me, the children spoke up and said they didn't want their dad to live there anymore unless he is sober. Out of the mouths of babes. That was my wake up call. Me, I probably could have stayed because I just do my own thing. But with my kids saying these things just put things into perspective for me.
Yes, I am very scared for the future. I don't know if I'll have enough money to pay all the bills and give the kids what they need. For christmans they said they didn't want much anyway. they want to get a job to help me.
I told them worry about school and having fun and we'll talk about them getting a job so they have spending money. Only a couple places around here hire 14 year olds. Good ol' Market Basket and Pet Smart. They understand more than I thought. My children are truly a gift from god. today I know there is an alanon meeting with a alateen meeting next door and I'm thinking of taking them even though they say they don't want to go. I think with alateen they get to discuss things which is good. ask questions and listen to other kids.
Thank you for listening. I'll think I'll start another thread now instead of taking over someone elses.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 29
OMG Learn2Live!! your post mirrors my own feelings so closely!!
I have been pondering this aspect again since yesterday.
Indeed, I decided - realised - last night that I am mourning...grieving for the person I knew and who has been taken away by this illness...
justsomegirl
... you remind me so much of someone who has been bereaved after many years of caring for somebody who was sick and has now died. Except that it has kind of turned around for you.
But the result is the same. You were somebody's carer for so long that now that your care is no longer needed, you feel totally bereft and with no purpose in life.
I have been involved in bereavement support for a fair while and recognise this so well. It happens in so many similar ways. Even the "loss" of a child to Uni or to another part of the country, can lead to a period of grief because the person who was reliant upon you no longer is so. And the more the person has needed your care - such as, a disabled or very sick person - the deeper the sense of loss of purpose in life can be once they are no longer there :-(
AG You seem to be in the same kind of position that I see my friend's husband in right now :-( what you write, could be word for word what he would also write.
In one way, your post gives me hope, but in another way it also brings it home just how very helpless we all are in the face of this demon. (Rightly or wrongly, I am starting to call it a demon, because to me it is starting to feel just that way)
veryregretful your post and replies were just perfect!!!
I can really feel those tears with you right now...but also can feel the Hope that comes out of what you write. The future is shaky but there is some peace of mind there already. Of course the tears will be there. But they are necessary to help you work through this decision and bring yourself to really appreciate the peace of mind you have worked to obtain for yourself and the kids.
I think Alateen would be good for them, at least to TRY it. If they go a couple times and really hate it, then fair enough. But why do they not want to go???
They will meet people of their own age there and will find a LOT of comfort, even if they cannot bring themselves to talk, in just being with others like them who have been in this also...they may not realise just how many others out there of their age are also hurt by addicts close to them; their peers at school would not openly talk about it, any more than they probably do at school.
Please try and get them to give it a go?
I have been pondering this aspect again since yesterday.
Indeed, I decided - realised - last night that I am mourning...grieving for the person I knew and who has been taken away by this illness...
justsomegirl
... you remind me so much of someone who has been bereaved after many years of caring for somebody who was sick and has now died. Except that it has kind of turned around for you.
But the result is the same. You were somebody's carer for so long that now that your care is no longer needed, you feel totally bereft and with no purpose in life.
I have been involved in bereavement support for a fair while and recognise this so well. It happens in so many similar ways. Even the "loss" of a child to Uni or to another part of the country, can lead to a period of grief because the person who was reliant upon you no longer is so. And the more the person has needed your care - such as, a disabled or very sick person - the deeper the sense of loss of purpose in life can be once they are no longer there :-(
AG You seem to be in the same kind of position that I see my friend's husband in right now :-( what you write, could be word for word what he would also write.
In one way, your post gives me hope, but in another way it also brings it home just how very helpless we all are in the face of this demon. (Rightly or wrongly, I am starting to call it a demon, because to me it is starting to feel just that way)
veryregretful your post and replies were just perfect!!!
I can really feel those tears with you right now...but also can feel the Hope that comes out of what you write. The future is shaky but there is some peace of mind there already. Of course the tears will be there. But they are necessary to help you work through this decision and bring yourself to really appreciate the peace of mind you have worked to obtain for yourself and the kids.
I think Alateen would be good for them, at least to TRY it. If they go a couple times and really hate it, then fair enough. But why do they not want to go???
They will meet people of their own age there and will find a LOT of comfort, even if they cannot bring themselves to talk, in just being with others like them who have been in this also...they may not realise just how many others out there of their age are also hurt by addicts close to them; their peers at school would not openly talk about it, any more than they probably do at school.
Please try and get them to give it a go?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
just how very helpless we all are in the face of this demon. (Rightly or wrongly, I am starting to call it a demon, because to me it is starting to feel just that way)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
I often come here and reread my old posts...I guess to compare how things have changed...my husband who was doing so well and for the most part still is , but the drugs and alcohal seem to just creep back in no matter how clear you think you are. Life with a user is a rollercoaster ride. Anyways...i found all the posts on this thread so good to read.
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