transformyself

I went into AHs email and he's registered on FOUR DIFFERENT dating sites.
*******. Oh, I know why I did this, because he's been super sweet to me and I slept with the ******* last week and he's reassuring me constantly that he's "not out looking for a relationship" what a lying jerk

AND I'M SURPRISED? What's wrong with ME??

It's all my fault, snooping is a huge no no but so is sleeping with him! I told myself it was ok because I just wanted to and we were staying the night at his house anyway and it was so nice to be in my bed again with him and it was freaking stupid to do. I'm so mad and i'm SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING

Learn2Live

Nothing's wrong with you Tranformers. No fault honey. Don't beat yourself up. Try to breathe.

Learn2Live

And love ya'!

transformyself

OH LTL, what did I expect?

the worst part is looking at MYSELF! I would put my own profile on a dating site if I had the time or guts. I am looking around wondering if there's someone out there for me. I think I'm just wanting to control him, what he does. And it's a horrific realization.

I have to detach from him again. Totally. Ugh. He's not The Guy for me, we just happen to have had a family, two sweet little boys, and our family can't be together anymore.

transformyself

And yes, transformers is very very funny. Thank you :ghug3

Learn2Live

So it's OK if I keep calling you that? I love it. Makes me giggle.

You probably didn't expect anything. You're probably like me; you just go thru life trying to take care of yourself the best you can, busy and not thinking that the person you love and give yourself to will not respect you and damage your psyche. He's a rather sick man.

It's so hard to let go of how you see your family, and all the feelings attached to that. I know. It's like letting go of Christmas. But there are many families that do not exactly match the picture we hold close to our hearts.

Save your time and save your guts Transformy; I've never had any good experiences with dating websites. They're not all they're cracked up to be. People lie on those things more than they lie in real life.

transformyself

You're so smart. And articulate. And clever.

I was just wondering what is it that causes this shift in me? I was FINE I was detached and relieved. I felt so good, in fact, that I allowed myself to hang out with the guy and get all cozy. I've been missing him the last couple of days, he's been calling me on his breaks, like he used to when we lived together, and chatting me up for 3 minutes on his smoke break before he goes back in to work.

I almost feel humiliated. His picture is on these things. Oh, yeah, that's my loving husband, right there!

I know the right thing to do is never take a second look at re-engage with my own life full speed ahead.

It's just so gross, that he would be reassuring me like this. What. Did. I. Expect?

Oh, and his perfect match perfectly describes his affair partner. Blue eyes, 5'10" is what he says he's looking for. He loves blondes, what the heck was he doing with me? I'm NOT blonde or blue eyed.

Good for you, you *******! Hope you find the girl of your dreams, cause you're not getting any more attention from me!

What a dumb a**. What will it take for me to get it?

Learn2Live

When the pain becomes intolerable enough, and you feel the pain enough times that is what it will take. You're not dumb, T-form, you're just regular, normal, like the rest of us. He's a sick person. U got comfortable with him again because it's so comfortable with him but that only lasts a moment and you keep forgetting that. Then, all hell breaks loose, space cadet! You just keep tripping, thats all. So get another pair of shoes.

Learn2Live

Me and You:

"F":

transformyself

OMG You're a freaking trip Dude. Yes, to everything you said. And thank you SO much.

Thank you to everyone for not kicking me out of here. I've come here flipping out two days in a row. What the heck.

But you're right. He's treating me like his wife again. His grandma died and he's called me a bazillion times since Thursday to talk and process. Plus he just calls me anyway. Why? Because I"m comfortalbe and because i let him. I let him use me as a nice soft place until he can find the next one. Screw that.

I will be alone rather than with someone who doesn't respect me and he doesn't.

He's lying through his teeth to me. Still. And very well I might add.

But I just took a break and went and looked and my sleeping babies. That's when I feel better, the best. When I'm thinking about them, how to be a better mother and help them grow up to be strong, humble, honorable men. I need to take them back to lodge, back to the circle and forget drunky boy.

Well, back to the bios. One down, one to go and a review of a puppet show. Ah the glamerous life of a writer.

transformyself

And thanks again, Learnt.

transformyself

And you know what else? That guy has never even read one of my reviews or articles. What the heck does that say about your husband? I listened to his pathetic problems and stories about slinging fish at a store for 14 years! I've been published in the New York Times Magazine! What the hell!

intheknow

Funny that you mention this, my AH said all the time that I was an overachiever...so he never took any interest in what I did with my job. Tried to tear it down so it was more at his level (I did not understand at the time, but it is so clear now). Always pushed me to do something else, because he could not deal with another persons success - especially mine.

Congrats to you on your accomplishments!

transformyself

Oh, thanks Mellane. It's wierd but I don't even feel like I've accomplished anything.

BUT I think I figured something out.

I forgot he is a liar. I forgot my husband will lie to me. That's INSANE!! He's been doing it for so long! It's the one thing I can count on.

This is really pathological, this inclination I have to completly ignore reality.

I guess yous guys are right. When I'm tired of the pain, I won't go back for more.

transformyself

Wait, no, I figured it out.

I don't want to demonize this man. BUT- when I begin to see him as human and forgive him, I feel closer to him and fall back into old habits.

So...I have to learn to detach but not get sucked back in.

Does that make sense to anyone else, or just me and my up all night adrenaline soaked brain?

neecey1224

It makes PERFECT sense! I am trying to learn to do the exact same thing. And it is baffling to me how easy it is to effortlessly and obliviously fall back into the old habits. I call it the slippery slope, just to remind myself how dangerous it is, and what a threat it is to my own recovery and emotional health.

Remeber....forward motion is everything. You are doing great recognizing and analyzing these things so that you can keep that forward motion going. Keep it up!!

Cowgirl1265

Oh, Transform, I'm sorry he is such a jerk.

What L2L has said is right on, you tripped, don't beat yourself up over it. I know that there have been times, when J is being "normal" that I have to be very careful or I would do the same thing. I get lonely. And when he's being nice? He's super. But 11 years of seeing his patterns emerge have taught me that those moment of calm and loving behavior are usually short-lived and they are actually not the "real" him. So I hope you don't mind if I use *your* situation as a learning experience to remind me what could happen if I relax too much around him!

Your AH is such a s**t. You deserve so much better in life than to tolerate his drunken abuse and cheating.

If it helps, focus not on what happened and not on what he did, but on what YOU have been doing to make your life better and on your accomplishments. I think it is very normal for codies to downplay their successes. I do it all the time. You have a right to be proud of what you have done in your career, and a right to be proud of how hard you work and how smart you are. Nothing NOTHING he does or or anyone else does can take that away. NOTHING!

Startingover2

Been there done that! Did it for an entire year when exah and I split the first time. I th ought if I was still doing it, he wouldn't look elsewhere! HA! What I didn't know is I wasn't the only one he was sleeping with! He even did it when I was pregnant.

Since I kicked him out 15 months ago I vowed to not be his plaything again! Hes tried...been shot down and boy does he not like his little ego wounded. I know of at least 4 women he has been with since he left. Yuck!

This is who he is! Drunk or sober, he probably would be doing it. I really believe its part of their character now.

Don't feel bad. Just remember this when you weaken again....and you will! Hes not doing anything to change your situation is he? Nope! He likes his life this way even though he may say he is miserable.

Feel better. Today is a brand new day.

Learn2Live

I read somewhere once this woman recommended seeing / trying it this way: You, the woman, be the moral compass for the relationship. So, when you are interested in a man, determine first what YOUR morals are and then YOU follow them. Any way you would like him to act morally, YOU act. Before you get involved with the person, talk about your morals with him without demanding. Don't do ANYTHING against your morals. The guy will either get on the bandwagon or he will run like hell (of course, not till after he annoys you and pleads and cries and demands and says a thousand times "I have my needs").

Easier said than done, I know, but at least it gives me some boundaries to live by without my even having to figure them out. It's like Mom's used to say, before MTV, "Don't sleep with a man until you're married." It was so much simpler back then, huh?

T-Former, don't sleep with him any more. Just focus on that ONE thing for now. Make a plan for how you are not going to do that any more. Try not to let all the stuff OTHER THAN this ONE thing worry you. Because if you focus on just the one behavior change for yourself for now, the other stuff will slowly fall into place. And for God's sake, if you HAVE to do it, PROTECT YOURSELF. :uzi2: You get a PAP smear EVERY year to detect for HPV. HPV CAUSES cervical cancer. Get it?

I know everybody is going to say NO CONTACT. At DisneyLand, I agree, that's possible. But in real life, it's just not. So, focus on no sex one day at a time, and the rest of your energies focus on eating, sleeping, breathing, working and child-rearing. And while you're going thru this part, create in your mind a nice picture of your butt slowly backing out a farmhouse door. The farmhouse is your relationship with this guy. You should see your butt very clearly backing its way slowly thru the door. But make sure it's a screen door. With white trim. And a pretty handle. And make sure the porch is clear so you don't trip and fall backwards on your a$$.

LMAO

Freedom1990

Insanity = repeating the same things over and over, expecting different results.

This applies to the addict/alcoholic.

This also applies to the codependent.

You will quit doing these things when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, when you hurt bad enough.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Your life still sounds pretty unmanageable to me.

You'll quit touching the hot stove when you're tired of getting burnt. End of story.