I am an idiot... RANT
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am an idiot... RANT
Let's see if this works now... tried to post several times...
This is a rant and there is not much recovery in this thread.
Well I am at work, just now 12 hours straight of "working" (more like looking for homes and worrying about what will happen) and I am an idiot guys, instead of taking my normal path to the bathroom I passed through ex's place.... what for... don't ask....
And yes, a gigantic picture of him smiling with his girlfriend in his place... of course now I am alone, my cubicle is the only one lighted and I am a crying mess all over again. Wow. Brought back so many memories of my hurt this last year.
Is it wrong for me to pass by his empty place and hope he is in a hospital somewhere with hepatic comma??? Nay, not a hospital, lying alone on a deserted place.
For anyone who is still in contact with an ex, I can just say -- go no contact. Contact is bad for your health and well being.
I think the last "contacts" I've had have removed so much stuff in me, its like "are you done with this pain? no? come back there is much more new pain and reminders of old pain".
Next to the picture.... some beer-shaped cans of beer.
Is it wrong and childish for me to want him to see ME happy and with someone for ONCE? I am a GOOD ex and have never even mentioned anything, let alone put pics in FB OR AT WORK.
I guess that is the voice of my ego desperately trying to convince others I've changed too and I am moving on too... wow...
I just need to remember all the bad stuff and all the pain. His face, not at all the fantasy or early him, he is the one driving not giving a damn of who crashes with him, and he is the one drinking every single day. I did not imagine the harm, it was real, it is all real, he is an alcoholic, that is what they do, drink and use people..... it is not fair to me to suffer this way again
CANT CONTROL HIM
CANT CURE HIM
DIDNT CAUSE IT
COULDNT HAVE PREVENTED THIS
I just want to have dinner and sleep and kiss my cat. That's all. This was a really tough day.
Just like this time last year- he knows I'm around working and he doesn't give a damn. I've worked with his peers next to him.
Perhaps this happens now so I can continue releasing the hurt, not while I'm working and I need to concentrate. And how can he not move on from me, I literally disappeared from his life. Never felt so invisible and discarded in my life this way.
It really hurts knowing they don't even grasp the hurt they leave on their trail. What a lonely place. I am so happy I know their Modus operandi now and know nothing has changed at the core level.
Thanks for letting me vent and not keeping it all to myself. If I want to cry tonight I will do it. And if someone asks tomorrow I will say I was given "bad news' and leave it like that, my eyes get all sore and red and fluffy the next day. Given Murphy's Law I will probably need to interact with xabf. Its a Law, the worse you feel and look the more chances you will see an ex. With company.
Thanks to the one who said, "he hasn't changed but you have". Thanks. I am clinging to that thought tonight.
I deserve peace in my life, sometimes it seems just so far far far far away...
This is a rant and there is not much recovery in this thread.
Well I am at work, just now 12 hours straight of "working" (more like looking for homes and worrying about what will happen) and I am an idiot guys, instead of taking my normal path to the bathroom I passed through ex's place.... what for... don't ask....
And yes, a gigantic picture of him smiling with his girlfriend in his place... of course now I am alone, my cubicle is the only one lighted and I am a crying mess all over again. Wow. Brought back so many memories of my hurt this last year.
Is it wrong for me to pass by his empty place and hope he is in a hospital somewhere with hepatic comma??? Nay, not a hospital, lying alone on a deserted place.
For anyone who is still in contact with an ex, I can just say -- go no contact. Contact is bad for your health and well being.
I think the last "contacts" I've had have removed so much stuff in me, its like "are you done with this pain? no? come back there is much more new pain and reminders of old pain".
Next to the picture.... some beer-shaped cans of beer.
Is it wrong and childish for me to want him to see ME happy and with someone for ONCE? I am a GOOD ex and have never even mentioned anything, let alone put pics in FB OR AT WORK.
I guess that is the voice of my ego desperately trying to convince others I've changed too and I am moving on too... wow...
I just need to remember all the bad stuff and all the pain. His face, not at all the fantasy or early him, he is the one driving not giving a damn of who crashes with him, and he is the one drinking every single day. I did not imagine the harm, it was real, it is all real, he is an alcoholic, that is what they do, drink and use people..... it is not fair to me to suffer this way again
CANT CONTROL HIM
CANT CURE HIM
DIDNT CAUSE IT
COULDNT HAVE PREVENTED THIS
I just want to have dinner and sleep and kiss my cat. That's all. This was a really tough day.
Just like this time last year- he knows I'm around working and he doesn't give a damn. I've worked with his peers next to him.
Perhaps this happens now so I can continue releasing the hurt, not while I'm working and I need to concentrate. And how can he not move on from me, I literally disappeared from his life. Never felt so invisible and discarded in my life this way.
It really hurts knowing they don't even grasp the hurt they leave on their trail. What a lonely place. I am so happy I know their Modus operandi now and know nothing has changed at the core level.
Thanks for letting me vent and not keeping it all to myself. If I want to cry tonight I will do it. And if someone asks tomorrow I will say I was given "bad news' and leave it like that, my eyes get all sore and red and fluffy the next day. Given Murphy's Law I will probably need to interact with xabf. Its a Law, the worse you feel and look the more chances you will see an ex. With company.
Thanks to the one who said, "he hasn't changed but you have". Thanks. I am clinging to that thought tonight.
I deserve peace in my life, sometimes it seems just so far far far far away...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
I think the fact that you don't flaunt your relationship is beautiful. To put up pictures on facebook and all over the office with the mere intent of upsetting him would only taint whatever happiness you may have found in your new relationship with pettiness and games. Kinda the way he did with his own relationship early on, right?
When my ex and I first broke up I couldn't even handle seeing the tiniest hint of a SMILE on his face I was so angry, let alone a picture of him with some other woman. I'm sorry you had to see that TC. Seeing the ex with someone else is a nightmare that no one should ever have to face. I believe that even if one is completely over their ex seeing them with someone else still tugs! It's just that kindergarden mentality kicking in. That MINE MINE MINE feeling, ya know?
The danger of the codie/alchie relationship is that there is always something pulling you in. That's why I think you and I are special and we have to dig up an extra amount of strength where there sometimes is none because we have the unfortunate luck of having to work with these men. We have to worry about places we might run into them, parts of the workplace become his and parts become yours. Sometimes we are drawn to "his section" and we can't always fight that draw on sheer willpower alone. Early in my break up I remember being in "my section" and practically chewing my nails at the knowledge that he was only a few feet away and I could walk by whenever I wanted. It was difficult for me to fight these urges at first, every once in a while I slipped, I'd want him to see me and how good my hair/body/whatever looks that day. Yep. Guilty as charged. It's very difficult TC I only wish we didn't have to work with these friggin guys so the risk and the temptation of seeing something we don't want to see (i.e. THEM) is never there.
You are not an idiot, you're wonderful and you're human and you've come very far and I'm proud of you babe!
When my ex and I first broke up I couldn't even handle seeing the tiniest hint of a SMILE on his face I was so angry, let alone a picture of him with some other woman. I'm sorry you had to see that TC. Seeing the ex with someone else is a nightmare that no one should ever have to face. I believe that even if one is completely over their ex seeing them with someone else still tugs! It's just that kindergarden mentality kicking in. That MINE MINE MINE feeling, ya know?
The danger of the codie/alchie relationship is that there is always something pulling you in. That's why I think you and I are special and we have to dig up an extra amount of strength where there sometimes is none because we have the unfortunate luck of having to work with these men. We have to worry about places we might run into them, parts of the workplace become his and parts become yours. Sometimes we are drawn to "his section" and we can't always fight that draw on sheer willpower alone. Early in my break up I remember being in "my section" and practically chewing my nails at the knowledge that he was only a few feet away and I could walk by whenever I wanted. It was difficult for me to fight these urges at first, every once in a while I slipped, I'd want him to see me and how good my hair/body/whatever looks that day. Yep. Guilty as charged. It's very difficult TC I only wish we didn't have to work with these friggin guys so the risk and the temptation of seeing something we don't want to see (i.e. THEM) is never there.
You are not an idiot, you're wonderful and you're human and you've come very far and I'm proud of you babe!
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Hugs to you! I am feeling your pain and agony tonight. I have sat here for the last 6 hours, after a long hard day at work, crying, trying not to cry and only crying some more. I never thought that I was really, totally ready for no contact up until yesterday. But it doesn't matter if I am ready or not....something within me is saying I no longer have any choice. I guess that makes me ready. I'm not even so sure right now how hard it's really going to be.
I read a quote last night that really got me thinking. It said "moving forward is not hard. It's what you leave behind that is." OH how true!!! I could have moved forward at any point in time over the last couple of years. I always had a reason or an excuse. Couldn't raise my kids on my own, couldn't do it financially. Couldn't do this, couldn't do that. There was always a reason to not move forward. But it was not having confidence in myself. What I was leaving behind....the help in raising my kids, the money, so on and so forth. But I'm okay now. I don't know why. I don't know what hit me. But it's time.
Hang in there!! I do feel your pain tonight and am crying my own battles alongside you.
I read a quote last night that really got me thinking. It said "moving forward is not hard. It's what you leave behind that is." OH how true!!! I could have moved forward at any point in time over the last couple of years. I always had a reason or an excuse. Couldn't raise my kids on my own, couldn't do it financially. Couldn't do this, couldn't do that. There was always a reason to not move forward. But it was not having confidence in myself. What I was leaving behind....the help in raising my kids, the money, so on and so forth. But I'm okay now. I don't know why. I don't know what hit me. But it's time.
Hang in there!! I do feel your pain tonight and am crying my own battles alongside you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I feel for all of you girls, and admire those who can't avoid their ex because of working in the same company or in the area.
If you do come face to face, can you put a mental picture into your mind, of them at their worst, most drunk or whatever, and see them as you know that deep down this is what they are.
Maybe that could blot out the idea that they are healthy, happy and enjoying life, while you are still trying to disconnect from them.
Repeat as a silent mantra, "I know who you really are and I don't want or desire you anymore".
Don't kick yourself over a small lapse, it isn't the crime of the century.
God bless
If you do come face to face, can you put a mental picture into your mind, of them at their worst, most drunk or whatever, and see them as you know that deep down this is what they are.
Maybe that could blot out the idea that they are healthy, happy and enjoying life, while you are still trying to disconnect from them.
Repeat as a silent mantra, "I know who you really are and I don't want or desire you anymore".
Don't kick yourself over a small lapse, it isn't the crime of the century.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Friends, thank you for your support.
C4H, talk about stress. I know he will be placed in my account at some point and I am already dreading the calls and interactions. I hope I am stronger then. But I think the worst is over and the first weeks and months are the most difficult... so it seems we made it (((C4H))))
kv Hope you are feeling better today. Things look worse at night. Fortunately I was able to sleep better and now I feel more fresh. A user called Vexun told me once crying was good for me and cleansed the toxins so not to be afraid of it, I always remembered him when I felt sad. It is a blessing to be able to cry and feel our emotions, there is always some sense of peace afterwards. No use storing them inside..
I thought I would cry more yesterday but no, when I got home I got angry!!
I remembered everything I have learned in SR and realized there is nothing surprising going on. Addicts need enablers. They just need them.
That he is no longer in my life is telling about what I decide I deserve and what I don't.
Today someone told me he is more responsible, looking for an apartment and arrives earlier at work, and "has not come drunk to work nowadays" as if that makes him a great person suddenly?
Wow, I knew he came hangovered but not STILL DRUNK at 9 AM. How many hours do you have to be drinking for that...
I started to become a mess again but cut the "conversation". I know alcoholism is a spiral and the fact he doesn't drink TODAY and managed to wake up in time does not automatically mean he is sober, recovered, a good person yadda yadda ....
C4H, talk about stress. I know he will be placed in my account at some point and I am already dreading the calls and interactions. I hope I am stronger then. But I think the worst is over and the first weeks and months are the most difficult... so it seems we made it (((C4H))))
kv Hope you are feeling better today. Things look worse at night. Fortunately I was able to sleep better and now I feel more fresh. A user called Vexun told me once crying was good for me and cleansed the toxins so not to be afraid of it, I always remembered him when I felt sad. It is a blessing to be able to cry and feel our emotions, there is always some sense of peace afterwards. No use storing them inside..
I thought I would cry more yesterday but no, when I got home I got angry!!
I remembered everything I have learned in SR and realized there is nothing surprising going on. Addicts need enablers. They just need them.
That he is no longer in my life is telling about what I decide I deserve and what I don't.
Today someone told me he is more responsible, looking for an apartment and arrives earlier at work, and "has not come drunk to work nowadays" as if that makes him a great person suddenly?
Wow, I knew he came hangovered but not STILL DRUNK at 9 AM. How many hours do you have to be drinking for that...
I started to become a mess again but cut the "conversation". I know alcoholism is a spiral and the fact he doesn't drink TODAY and managed to wake up in time does not automatically mean he is sober, recovered, a good person yadda yadda ....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
UGH I am falling again on my codieness. I asked a friend for the Codie No More book. Need to memorize it!!
So, talking about cubicles, I am planning to draw something to decorate mine, something that describes ME, my passion and great artistic talents.. NOW that is something worth my time...
So, talking about cubicles, I am planning to draw something to decorate mine, something that describes ME, my passion and great artistic talents.. NOW that is something worth my time...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Jadmack...
Just now I am overhearing two common friends saying how happy he is, that he is drinking less and is very much in love... trying to live a good life and he has changed for the better... looking for a new apartment.
Other "version" states he and enabler were kicked out by their roomates... classic, making themselves appear in control and lying to save face.
But of course I am buying it all and am in the verge of tears AGAIN...
I need to recall when he "stopped drinking" with me. It seems he is playing Jekyll for now. I know this. I have seen it before. I know when they act nice and act responsible and "cut down". And there is walking on eggshells and one day it rains or a mosquito passes by and its the excuse to drink ONE MORE.. and they are HYDE and its hell on Earth. THEN something happens and "now they have changed"...
Why do I believe the lies of alcoholism...? I know better. Others don't know alcoholism. I know if somehow the addiction is menaced, they will say and act in any way to make it appear as if something changed. And everyone buys it. Of course, they are just friends, they have never lived with them 24x7.
I need to remember the worse moments.
I need to remember how this year has been and how it could have been had I not been enmeshed with an alcoholic in denial.
This is painful but it is what I need to stay away.
No contact. No contact. No news I will get will make any pain go away.
If he is happy or if he is miserable no one knows but him.
It has nothing to do with me.
Whatever happens I can keep my own joy today and live for me today.
Codependency sucks but I can be free, I can decide better... just for today ...
Just now I am overhearing two common friends saying how happy he is, that he is drinking less and is very much in love... trying to live a good life and he has changed for the better... looking for a new apartment.
Other "version" states he and enabler were kicked out by their roomates... classic, making themselves appear in control and lying to save face.
But of course I am buying it all and am in the verge of tears AGAIN...
I need to recall when he "stopped drinking" with me. It seems he is playing Jekyll for now. I know this. I have seen it before. I know when they act nice and act responsible and "cut down". And there is walking on eggshells and one day it rains or a mosquito passes by and its the excuse to drink ONE MORE.. and they are HYDE and its hell on Earth. THEN something happens and "now they have changed"...
Why do I believe the lies of alcoholism...? I know better. Others don't know alcoholism. I know if somehow the addiction is menaced, they will say and act in any way to make it appear as if something changed. And everyone buys it. Of course, they are just friends, they have never lived with them 24x7.
I need to remember the worse moments.
I need to remember how this year has been and how it could have been had I not been enmeshed with an alcoholic in denial.
This is painful but it is what I need to stay away.
No contact. No contact. No news I will get will make any pain go away.
If he is happy or if he is miserable no one knows but him.
It has nothing to do with me.
Whatever happens I can keep my own joy today and live for me today.
Codependency sucks but I can be free, I can decide better... just for today ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thank you for the motto Jadmack.
"I know better, I know who you are. I have seen the reality of you and for MY sake, I won't forget it"
SO EASY to fall back when interacting with others in denial or that have not been in our shoes, that's why I love SR...
"I know better, I know who you are. I have seen the reality of you and for MY sake, I won't forget it"
SO EASY to fall back when interacting with others in denial or that have not been in our shoes, that's why I love SR...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I hope you don't mind me rambling again. Perhaps if I repeat this a hundred times it will really sink in??
As painful as it is when i see him i need to remember him in the very worst times and remember i know who he is. And how my year could have been hadnt I enmeshed myself with him, and how he could have made so many things just for the sake of good taste or discretion - AND HE CHOSE NOT TO. To this day. He is who he is.
I need to remember as long as his needs are met he will be the greatest guy in the universe, but its not something real or with substance. At least not for me.
It is just not good for me. Why would I care anymore. Unless he stops drinking altogether and has a year in AA or working some sort of program, giving a hard look to himself, everything is the same. Magic does not exist. Wishful thinking makes me suffer. I need reality and my truth. The reality I lived with him. None was imagination or exaggeration. All that was real and my pain was not imagined.
Those are my guides now to chose better. Nothing else is relevant to me.
As painful as it is when i see him i need to remember him in the very worst times and remember i know who he is. And how my year could have been hadnt I enmeshed myself with him, and how he could have made so many things just for the sake of good taste or discretion - AND HE CHOSE NOT TO. To this day. He is who he is.
I need to remember as long as his needs are met he will be the greatest guy in the universe, but its not something real or with substance. At least not for me.
It is just not good for me. Why would I care anymore. Unless he stops drinking altogether and has a year in AA or working some sort of program, giving a hard look to himself, everything is the same. Magic does not exist. Wishful thinking makes me suffer. I need reality and my truth. The reality I lived with him. None was imagination or exaggeration. All that was real and my pain was not imagined.
Those are my guides now to chose better. Nothing else is relevant to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
TC, I don't think you are an idiot. I sense a lot of fear in your posts. Fear that maybe he (or someone like him) will be able to "trick" you into being with him in the future and going through all that pain all over again. Fear that maybe the lessons learned haven't quite been internalized yet. Fear that you cannot truly trust yourself.
I could be totally off-base, here, but just wanted to throw that out there in case you felt like examining it...............
L
I could be totally off-base, here, but just wanted to throw that out there in case you felt like examining it...............
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks LTD as usual you are right.
Fear that maybe the lessons learned haven't quite been internalized yet.
Fear that you cannot truly trust yourself.
I also remember your posts about "believing you can still win". Winning meaning controlling someone or thinking his acts and way of drinking have anything to do with me.
I was doing better the last months and again I visit this codieland hell. I feel I let myself down
I think it is my ego that is hurt knowing ex is happy. But it is not me... I need to listen to my inner guide more and to my ego less. And STOP COMPARING my insides with his outsides.
Nothing has to do with me... I am not that powerful or important....
Thanks LTD. I hope this is just another mourning wave and it passes and I am back again, stronger.... at least I know what to do now..... stop beating myself up is my first step... I'm just human.. and I feel.
Please God, allow me to heal and keep me out of harm.
Fear that maybe the lessons learned haven't quite been internalized yet.
Fear that you cannot truly trust yourself.
I also remember your posts about "believing you can still win". Winning meaning controlling someone or thinking his acts and way of drinking have anything to do with me.
I was doing better the last months and again I visit this codieland hell. I feel I let myself down
I think it is my ego that is hurt knowing ex is happy. But it is not me... I need to listen to my inner guide more and to my ego less. And STOP COMPARING my insides with his outsides.
Nothing has to do with me... I am not that powerful or important....
Thanks LTD. I hope this is just another mourning wave and it passes and I am back again, stronger.... at least I know what to do now..... stop beating myself up is my first step... I'm just human.. and I feel.
Please God, allow me to heal and keep me out of harm.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hugs, I hope you are feeling better 
I remember how I felt when my last boyfriend finished with me, I was in a huge withdrawal, he was my drug, I was in such pain, I was crazy if he looked even vaguely happy, and rumours of him being with someone else and being happy compounded that pain, I was enraged and curling up in a ball with the hurt and wailing.
Part of this (for me) was because I believed that my worth was all about how I thought others viewed me.
In my mind if he was not happy when we were together, I was faulty. If he was happy with someone else this reinforced that view, I must be really faulty. This was painful beyond explanation.
There was no examination of how happy I was in the relationship (I was miserable, we were ENTIRELY unsuited) and in order to feel good about myself I therefore had to view him as a loser, concentrate on his bad points (and there were many, he was a prolific womaniser and coke-addict) so that in comparison he was faulty and I was OKAY....
I had a winner and looser view of the world, and if a relationship failed, one of us had to be broken.
a decade on (and therefore with considerable distance) I don't care that he is happy with someone else, good on him, I feel no need to make judgements about him and his character and the possible character flaws of his girlfriend and whether he is putting on a front etc, still caining the columbian marching powder, being unfaithful on a daily basis because what (and who) he is happy with has nothing to do with my worth as a human being, and my capacity for joy and love.
AND IT NEVER DID.
You are a beautiful human being, that is not changed because you did not "fit" with one person on this big world.
I remember how I felt when my last boyfriend finished with me, I was in a huge withdrawal, he was my drug, I was in such pain, I was crazy if he looked even vaguely happy, and rumours of him being with someone else and being happy compounded that pain, I was enraged and curling up in a ball with the hurt and wailing.
Part of this (for me) was because I believed that my worth was all about how I thought others viewed me.
In my mind if he was not happy when we were together, I was faulty. If he was happy with someone else this reinforced that view, I must be really faulty. This was painful beyond explanation.
There was no examination of how happy I was in the relationship (I was miserable, we were ENTIRELY unsuited) and in order to feel good about myself I therefore had to view him as a loser, concentrate on his bad points (and there were many, he was a prolific womaniser and coke-addict) so that in comparison he was faulty and I was OKAY....
I had a winner and looser view of the world, and if a relationship failed, one of us had to be broken.
a decade on (and therefore with considerable distance) I don't care that he is happy with someone else, good on him, I feel no need to make judgements about him and his character and the possible character flaws of his girlfriend and whether he is putting on a front etc, still caining the columbian marching powder, being unfaithful on a daily basis
because what (and who) he is happy with has nothing to do with my worth as a human being, and my capacity for joy and love.AND IT NEVER DID.
You are a beautiful human being, that is not changed because you did not "fit" with one person on this big world.
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