Similar to C4H and comfort hopefully for TC
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Similar to C4H and comfort hopefully for TC
Hi all
Hope you are all OK. I just read the post by Crazy4Him. Like C4H I haven't posted on here for a while, largely because I went away for a week last month and also because my laptop has since died twice. Also because, like C4H, I (at least had!) started to move on.
C4H was saying she hadn't really had any communication from her ex for three months until he texted an apology out of the blue. And now she feels guilty for not accepting his apology.
I am in a similar situation. I have not heard from my ex. But you may remember I'd been going into his bank account (largely because he owes me thousands and I live in hope one day he will pay me back - ha!) I've been really good recently. It had been an obsession which I was feeding daily. Until today I hadn't been in since before I went abroad. And, what do you know, in that three or so weeks he's back claiming social. (I've worked out he probably only started a job towards the end of July). Looks like he's lost his job and is on benefits again. It was the first time he'd worked in four years and he was sacked from his last job for drinking on the job. So I shouldn't be surprised. My first reaction was 'Good! What goes around comes around!' (He - at least I thought at the time of our relationship - had been very sweet to me throughout most of our three years together but was a complete b*****d to me on breaking up and since then too, so I thought he deserved it). But now I feel guilty for feeling this way. He is sick after all. And, I won't lie, I do still love him. Or at least the person I thought 'him' was. I feel like I don't know any more.
Going back to the 'being sweet during the relationship' bit. I found some old emails from 2006/7/8 I'd sent to my closest male friend when I was confiding in him about my xabf. What an eye opener! I didn't believe it was possible for me to mentally block out things which have hurt me. I know others can do that and I always find myself wondering how. What an eye opener these emails were - had forgotten half the things he'd done to me.
Isn't it amazing - love really is blind! I've discussed the content of my emails with a couple of other friends - the only ones who know xbf was an alcoholic. And the emails really didn't come as any shock to them at all (which shocked me even more!). Yet I was so overwhelmed by one of them - ie about the way he treated me and the fact I couldn't remember half of this stuff - that I burst into tears.
And yet I still hold out for that apology. Why? I don't know!
Going back to what TC said a few weeks ago about her ex doing well (seemingly) according to FB. I replied at the time, saying I thought the same about my ex, he looked excellent (I thought) posing all happy with his son and daughter at his father's wedding. Showed the picture to my friend, saying, 'Doesn't he look well'. Her first reaction, within seconds, was, 'Sam look how red he is in the face - you can tell he's still drinking!' And I hadn't even noticed the redness! I was telling TC a few weeks ago I had opened my FB profile and was posting the highlights of my life. My FB profile is still open and I am still putting all my highlights on there for all and sundry to see. If it's any consolation though to anyone, I hurt my foot on holiday and haven't been to the gym much since. In reality I have put on half a stone since we split in May, but I have posted pictures where I actually look thinner than when we were together.
Who said the camera never lies!!!!
Hope you are all OK. I just read the post by Crazy4Him. Like C4H I haven't posted on here for a while, largely because I went away for a week last month and also because my laptop has since died twice. Also because, like C4H, I (at least had!) started to move on.
C4H was saying she hadn't really had any communication from her ex for three months until he texted an apology out of the blue. And now she feels guilty for not accepting his apology.
I am in a similar situation. I have not heard from my ex. But you may remember I'd been going into his bank account (largely because he owes me thousands and I live in hope one day he will pay me back - ha!) I've been really good recently. It had been an obsession which I was feeding daily. Until today I hadn't been in since before I went abroad. And, what do you know, in that three or so weeks he's back claiming social. (I've worked out he probably only started a job towards the end of July). Looks like he's lost his job and is on benefits again. It was the first time he'd worked in four years and he was sacked from his last job for drinking on the job. So I shouldn't be surprised. My first reaction was 'Good! What goes around comes around!' (He - at least I thought at the time of our relationship - had been very sweet to me throughout most of our three years together but was a complete b*****d to me on breaking up and since then too, so I thought he deserved it). But now I feel guilty for feeling this way. He is sick after all. And, I won't lie, I do still love him. Or at least the person I thought 'him' was. I feel like I don't know any more.
Going back to the 'being sweet during the relationship' bit. I found some old emails from 2006/7/8 I'd sent to my closest male friend when I was confiding in him about my xabf. What an eye opener! I didn't believe it was possible for me to mentally block out things which have hurt me. I know others can do that and I always find myself wondering how. What an eye opener these emails were - had forgotten half the things he'd done to me.
Isn't it amazing - love really is blind! I've discussed the content of my emails with a couple of other friends - the only ones who know xbf was an alcoholic. And the emails really didn't come as any shock to them at all (which shocked me even more!). Yet I was so overwhelmed by one of them - ie about the way he treated me and the fact I couldn't remember half of this stuff - that I burst into tears.
And yet I still hold out for that apology. Why? I don't know!
Going back to what TC said a few weeks ago about her ex doing well (seemingly) according to FB. I replied at the time, saying I thought the same about my ex, he looked excellent (I thought) posing all happy with his son and daughter at his father's wedding. Showed the picture to my friend, saying, 'Doesn't he look well'. Her first reaction, within seconds, was, 'Sam look how red he is in the face - you can tell he's still drinking!' And I hadn't even noticed the redness! I was telling TC a few weeks ago I had opened my FB profile and was posting the highlights of my life. My FB profile is still open and I am still putting all my highlights on there for all and sundry to see. If it's any consolation though to anyone, I hurt my foot on holiday and haven't been to the gym much since. In reality I have put on half a stone since we split in May, but I have posted pictures where I actually look thinner than when we were together.
Who said the camera never lies!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
But you may remember I'd been going into his bank account (largely because he owes me thousands and I live in hope one day he will pay me back - ha!)
I had no job at the time he left. He had asked that I not work that summer because his two girls had come up from Florida for a month, and he wanted me to be at home for them (as well as my youngest).
I consider a wiped-out bank account a small price to pay for finally hitting my codependent bottom and getting serious about my own recovery. The gifts I have received over the years since finding recovery are priceless.
Today I am grateful for that experience.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi sclarke!!
How was Majorca?? if I recall well you went there for a holiday right!! I'm SO enviousss!
About FB, I am just done with it... I don't update anything or try to demonstrate anything... it's tiring (for me anyway)
But if something helps you keep a good attitude... I'm all for it.. we all got our own Recovery recipe and our own magic potion to make it work for us.
I am emailing friends I care about. And use FB to play Vampire Wars only.
I just know it hurts either way, seeing him happy doing his life, seeing him sad perhaps reflecting, just having any contact hurts. NO CONTACT AT ALL COSTS is the only way to keep the little sanity left !
I recall too seeing xabf getting thinner and thinner and it took me a year to realize it was because of his drinking... I realize how miserable he said he was... how he hated his father (I do not know why) ... then I see him smiling... like the party guy he's always been.... then I see him meditative...
I am done trying to find out what he is thinking or how he is really feeling. He never cared much about me, so why would I give a damn anymore? Is it even worth it? I do not think so, he is just not a good person alcohol or not, period.
Sorry sclarke, I am in a very bad mood today... let's keep the focus in ourselves ok?
And you are totally right, we forget bad moments, the other day I walked just near the first home we shared and I started shaking remembering a miserable weekend and how total strangers showed more compassion than him. Ouch, remembering hurts.. but its also a guarantee.. NEVER AGAIN will I go through that.
One taxi driver said "someone who causes you to cry like that is worth nothing" he was totally right...
How was Majorca?? if I recall well you went there for a holiday right!! I'm SO enviousss!
About FB, I am just done with it... I don't update anything or try to demonstrate anything... it's tiring (for me anyway)
But if something helps you keep a good attitude... I'm all for it.. we all got our own Recovery recipe and our own magic potion to make it work for us.
I am emailing friends I care about. And use FB to play Vampire Wars only.
I just know it hurts either way, seeing him happy doing his life, seeing him sad perhaps reflecting, just having any contact hurts. NO CONTACT AT ALL COSTS is the only way to keep the little sanity left !
I recall too seeing xabf getting thinner and thinner and it took me a year to realize it was because of his drinking... I realize how miserable he said he was... how he hated his father (I do not know why) ... then I see him smiling... like the party guy he's always been.... then I see him meditative...
I am done trying to find out what he is thinking or how he is really feeling. He never cared much about me, so why would I give a damn anymore? Is it even worth it? I do not think so, he is just not a good person alcohol or not, period.
Sorry sclarke, I am in a very bad mood today... let's keep the focus in ourselves ok?
And you are totally right, we forget bad moments, the other day I walked just near the first home we shared and I started shaking remembering a miserable weekend and how total strangers showed more compassion than him. Ouch, remembering hurts.. but its also a guarantee.. NEVER AGAIN will I go through that.
One taxi driver said "someone who causes you to cry like that is worth nothing" he was totally right...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
I actually unfriended my H on Facebook this weekend.
It boiled down to a couple of things related to my codie issues.
First, I didn't feel comfortable posting anything in my updates if I was feeling worried about a particular issue over the separation. I didn't want him reading anything into it or asking me about it. I don't want to talk to him about my feelings right now, those conversations always get twisted and out of control.
But the bigger reason I did it was because I didn't want to read his updates anymore. It feels to me like he uses them to goad me. After I returned from a business trip, during which he had talked to my good girlfriend on the phone asking her if I was seeing anyone, if I'd had an affair while were married, did I have a boyfriend, his status update was "_____ is not sure what to think anymore." And another was about plans not working out...and the comments from his female friends were difficult. One friend kept asking him did he do the "thing I told you to do??" and repeating the question. And it was like being an alcoholic at a wine bar...as much as I didn't want to be hooked in by this stuff, I found at this point in my codie recovery - I was getting hooked. So I made a choice to remove myself from the temptation and the hooks.
I called him on Sunday and told him I was unfriending him but that I wanted him to know I was not doing it out of anger at him and that I didn't mean anything unfriendly by it. He wanted to discuss all the reasons why and defend himself, which was sort of like walking through a minefield to pull the conversation back to neutral.. I just said that it was difficult for me in my recovery to be bombarded with these things and that in order to take care of myself I was removing myself from the situation.
He's all consume with wondering if we're going to get a divorce, but in my mind, although TODAY I don't see us getting back together, I'm not in that place yet. I am trying to get through the 'right now' and let the future bring what it will. There may come a day when I feel that a divorce is something I want or need. That is not today. He is having a hard time with that. I suppose if he wants to get a divorce then that is what he should do. Does that make sense?
It boiled down to a couple of things related to my codie issues.
First, I didn't feel comfortable posting anything in my updates if I was feeling worried about a particular issue over the separation. I didn't want him reading anything into it or asking me about it. I don't want to talk to him about my feelings right now, those conversations always get twisted and out of control.
But the bigger reason I did it was because I didn't want to read his updates anymore. It feels to me like he uses them to goad me. After I returned from a business trip, during which he had talked to my good girlfriend on the phone asking her if I was seeing anyone, if I'd had an affair while were married, did I have a boyfriend, his status update was "_____ is not sure what to think anymore." And another was about plans not working out...and the comments from his female friends were difficult. One friend kept asking him did he do the "thing I told you to do??" and repeating the question. And it was like being an alcoholic at a wine bar...as much as I didn't want to be hooked in by this stuff, I found at this point in my codie recovery - I was getting hooked. So I made a choice to remove myself from the temptation and the hooks.
I called him on Sunday and told him I was unfriending him but that I wanted him to know I was not doing it out of anger at him and that I didn't mean anything unfriendly by it. He wanted to discuss all the reasons why and defend himself, which was sort of like walking through a minefield to pull the conversation back to neutral.. I just said that it was difficult for me in my recovery to be bombarded with these things and that in order to take care of myself I was removing myself from the situation.
He's all consume with wondering if we're going to get a divorce, but in my mind, although TODAY I don't see us getting back together, I'm not in that place yet. I am trying to get through the 'right now' and let the future bring what it will. There may come a day when I feel that a divorce is something I want or need. That is not today. He is having a hard time with that. I suppose if he wants to get a divorce then that is what he should do. Does that make sense?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Thanks everyone for your replies. Differing views but you're right TC, we all deal with things in our own way. Part of me today is feeling, I looked damned good in my latest profile pic (but actually if you open some of the other pictures of me in the same album the weight gain does show, so they may have to be removed tonight!!!) and I'm going to bloody show you I'm doing fine without you!!
They say the best revenge for someone who has treated you the way he treated me is not to get back at them, but to show them you're doing fine without them. In all honesty, carefully selecting the best profile pictures aside, I really am doing OK without him. OK so my social life is busy, not as busy as I'd like it to be, but at the same time he left me in severe financial straits. So on the plus side I am saving money. I spent loads on new clothes at the weekend and I don't have to feel guilty about it as he's no longer pressuring me into spending my money in the pub with him.
So in many respects my life is on the up. I did everything I could to try to help him, change him, take all his problems on, sort all of them out, (I hadn't really ever heard of co-dependency until Bookwyrm first recommended Co-dependent No More to me!) and do you know what? If his life is on a downward spiral again without me, and if mine looks as though it's on the up without him, then cruel as it may sound, and as guilty as it makes me feel, I can't help getting a little satisfaction out of it. I am reading a book about abusive men at the moment and it says how abuse should not be linked with alcohol. It has only taken me re-reading all the emails I sent to my friend, and looking at some of the old texts he sent me, to realise I was in an abusive relationship. There was no violence. But it was threatened. And emotional abuse was definitely there. My ex always used to say he believed in karma. Maybe he's feeling a bit of it right now.
Anyway, it's good to be back here. Although the pain has eased a hell of a lot it is still there. And I can't talk to anyone I know the way I can talk to you guys. :-)
TC - Majorca was ace - apart from hurting my foot on the first day, then putting the weight on! Alas!!!!
They say the best revenge for someone who has treated you the way he treated me is not to get back at them, but to show them you're doing fine without them. In all honesty, carefully selecting the best profile pictures aside, I really am doing OK without him. OK so my social life is busy, not as busy as I'd like it to be, but at the same time he left me in severe financial straits. So on the plus side I am saving money. I spent loads on new clothes at the weekend and I don't have to feel guilty about it as he's no longer pressuring me into spending my money in the pub with him.
So in many respects my life is on the up. I did everything I could to try to help him, change him, take all his problems on, sort all of them out, (I hadn't really ever heard of co-dependency until Bookwyrm first recommended Co-dependent No More to me!) and do you know what? If his life is on a downward spiral again without me, and if mine looks as though it's on the up without him, then cruel as it may sound, and as guilty as it makes me feel, I can't help getting a little satisfaction out of it. I am reading a book about abusive men at the moment and it says how abuse should not be linked with alcohol. It has only taken me re-reading all the emails I sent to my friend, and looking at some of the old texts he sent me, to realise I was in an abusive relationship. There was no violence. But it was threatened. And emotional abuse was definitely there. My ex always used to say he believed in karma. Maybe he's feeling a bit of it right now.
Anyway, it's good to be back here. Although the pain has eased a hell of a lot it is still there. And I can't talk to anyone I know the way I can talk to you guys. :-)
TC - Majorca was ace - apart from hurting my foot on the first day, then putting the weight on! Alas!!!!
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