justtakestime

Last night my AH, whom I have been separated with for 5 months, wanted to take me and the kids out to dinner and then grocery shopping. I thought it sounded like a good idea, so we went. Well, I screwed up BAD!!!! I guess, I think, I don't know!!!!! I have been emotionally detatched from my AH for a few months. I have learned to find myself again and that I CAN do it without him. So, yes, I have built a "wall". Like I said before, I have told him that I love and care about him and always will. But I'm not in love with him. Dinner was horrible and so was the rest of the night!!! At dinner he asked if he could hold my hand and I said, "no". WELL........THAT WAS IT!!!! He started throwing a fit!!!! Cussing, yelling, handed me his wedding ring at the restaurant.....he brought me and the kids home....I was scared, hurt, feeling guilty...same ol' same ol'.. We ended up standing in the parking lot of my apartment arguing and arguing for almost 2 hours. He had given me $200.00 for groceries and then took it back. He wants an explanation on why we can't have a relationship RIGHT NOW!!!! When I tell him that I don't want one RIGHT NOW he freaks out and starts screaming and crying that he's alone, and has nobody, and I make him want to kill himself!!! In the 17 years that I have been with him, through all the drunkedness and drugs, I have NEVER seen him like he was last night. I asked him to leave several times but he wouldnt until he got an explanation. I told him that I wanted to see 6 months of being sober and good behavior before I would even START a relationship with him....Well that made it worse... He tells me he is NOT waiting 6 months to start a relationship and the it maybe not even work....Eventually our 15 year old son called the cops and our 10 year old daughter had locked herself in the bathroom. AND DANGITT!!!! I'm feeling guilty again. Did I do somethin????

GiveLove

Justtakestime, it's becoming clear that having such a large degree of contact with him is not doing YOU any favors, and is not doing HIM any favors. He still has these fantasies that he can say and do the right things to manipulate you into making everything all better again. As long as you allow him these fantasies, then there will be scenes like last night....over and over and over again, with him getting increasingly angry and violent. I have been through this and say this from experience.

You don't have to go through this.

Have you considered cutting him loose completely - making it clear that you are NOT getting back together, so he can start the hard work of rebuilding his life, and you can start the hard work of rebuilding yours?

justtakestime

Well he's already calling this morning wanting to know if he can bring me the grocery money (ya know, the money he took away from me last night). I told him "no, that I would just meet him sometime next week and get it from him. Then he asks me if our relationship was still on the "stand still." WHAT???? Does he think it got better overnight after he was escorted away by the cops???? UGH!!!! I told him I was at work and had to go, and hung up!! I'm afraid to tell him there is no relationship because I'm scared of his reaction and what he will do............

intheknow

Like it or not you will always have some relationship with him because of the kids. But that does not mean that he is or has to be anything more to you than your childrens father.

I am struggling to get here myself, and need to read, and re-read, and re-re-read the advice I just gave you. In your situation it seems so clear...so why is it so cloudy in mine?

justtakestime

Thank you GIVE LOVE. I guess he just has me convinced that he is clean and sober and never wants another drop!!! I also guess I didn't realize that these are fantasies that he has.....

GiveLove

I did go through this, justtakestime, and I came to realize that I wasn't doing him any favors by not telling him. And he too used the suicide card a lot. He knew it pushed my buttons.

I was just keeping him in limbo because I didn't want to be inconvenienced by how he might react. It worried and scared me because i thought I was responsible for him. And honestly, I also wanted him to keep giving me money. And I wanted him to like me. I hate when people are mad at me. He may have been an alcoholic, but that's still not a fair way to treat a person.

You deserve the peace of mind of telling him the truth. What he does with that truth is up to him - you are not in charge of his choices. Lots of good advice on your other thread.

Hugs,
GL

Freedom1990

Decisions, and often lack of decisions based on fear always brought me more pain in the end.


Kids don't have the coping mechanisms that adults have, and often adults don't have good coping mechanisms either. Can you imagine what was going through your 10 year old daughter's mind? I can't. I do know how profoundly my 31 year old AD has been affected by living with the insanity of alcoholism/addiction in her first 8 years of life.

I sincerely hope you begin to find the strength to do what is right for you and those kids, and disconnect from him.

justtakestime

I'm at work!! He's calling and calling...crying screaming, I've ruined his life. I've taken everything away from him. Why am I doing this to him!! It's all me!!! I explained to him AGAIN that I have some things to work thru with counseling before I can have a relattionship!!! He can't except that!!! He keeps on and on...crying and screaming and threatening to come to my work!!! He wants one of the kids because he is so lonely!!! Is this normal????????? I'm losing my peace!!!