Recovery is contageous!
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Recovery is contageous!
The most difficult relationship I have is with my mother. It always has been the most difficult. It just got overshadowed and then replaced by my life with XABF for a time. She, I believe, is the congenital source of my codependency. The more I educated myself on my behavior and it's sources, the more clearly I began to see her. Just as I have come to see myself as having addictive behaviors in relationships that need to change, I have come to see her as another addict in my life to cope with. Cope is such a negative way to phrase it, thoug. I'm still working that one out.
I had detached myself from her long ago. (It had to do with her control of me in many ways.) Since leaving my XABF I've been trying to work back into a relationship with her in a healthy way. I see now the compulsion she had to do what she did and I know that to have a relationship with her, I have to set boundaries and keep them. I have to detach with understanding and compassion and step back from enabling her. All the things I had to do with XABF.
I think it will take more time to work through my inventory pertaining to her and ownership of my part in our dysfunction. This is my mom we're talking about. A lot of history to get through.
When she started telling me about her older brother and his wife going through some health issues and how she was going to visit them, I saw the red flags pop up. Her caretaking compulsion could really take over. When she returned, she told me how her brother is in ill health and his wife is going through cancer treatment. There is a lot of pressure on her to be there for them or to move them in with her and my father. Serious red flags. She kept asking what I thought about it.
I refused to enable her in distructive caretaking. I refused to indulge her awfulizing when she implied they'd perish without her. Instead I very carefully and very gently told her about what it means to caretake and how it can overtake someone to their detriment. I listened supportively to what she had to say but did not offer advice or tell her what I thought she should do. I only reminded her that her health is primary. She cannot cure the world, she cannot control others, and she is not the cause of their crisis.
....and for the good news......
I thought she had shut down today when she did not reply to my last email. I gave her a little tough love but no tougher than I have given on SR about how she has one life and it's her's to live for herself or only for others. It was hours later that she wrote to tell me that she made some calls and is going to see a counsellor who specializes in family therapy and codependency!!!
WAHOOOO!!!!!!
I wrote back with encouragement and support.
Could it be that my recovery has inspired her? Could it be that it's finally her time to help herself? I'm so full of hope for her right now, I can't think straight. I'm trying to contain myself because it's still just like when the addict declares they'll go to rehab. Saying is one thing...doing is another.
For now, I'm just going to say a prayer that recovery is contageous and that my mom just caught the bug!!!
Alice
I had detached myself from her long ago. (It had to do with her control of me in many ways.) Since leaving my XABF I've been trying to work back into a relationship with her in a healthy way. I see now the compulsion she had to do what she did and I know that to have a relationship with her, I have to set boundaries and keep them. I have to detach with understanding and compassion and step back from enabling her. All the things I had to do with XABF.
I think it will take more time to work through my inventory pertaining to her and ownership of my part in our dysfunction. This is my mom we're talking about. A lot of history to get through.
When she started telling me about her older brother and his wife going through some health issues and how she was going to visit them, I saw the red flags pop up. Her caretaking compulsion could really take over. When she returned, she told me how her brother is in ill health and his wife is going through cancer treatment. There is a lot of pressure on her to be there for them or to move them in with her and my father. Serious red flags. She kept asking what I thought about it.
I refused to enable her in distructive caretaking. I refused to indulge her awfulizing when she implied they'd perish without her. Instead I very carefully and very gently told her about what it means to caretake and how it can overtake someone to their detriment. I listened supportively to what she had to say but did not offer advice or tell her what I thought she should do. I only reminded her that her health is primary. She cannot cure the world, she cannot control others, and she is not the cause of their crisis.
....and for the good news......
I thought she had shut down today when she did not reply to my last email. I gave her a little tough love but no tougher than I have given on SR about how she has one life and it's her's to live for herself or only for others. It was hours later that she wrote to tell me that she made some calls and is going to see a counsellor who specializes in family therapy and codependency!!!
WAHOOOO!!!!!!
I wrote back with encouragement and support.
Could it be that my recovery has inspired her? Could it be that it's finally her time to help herself? I'm so full of hope for her right now, I can't think straight. I'm trying to contain myself because it's still just like when the addict declares they'll go to rehab. Saying is one thing...doing is another.
For now, I'm just going to say a prayer that recovery is contageous and that my mom just caught the bug!!!
Alice
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Heck, Alice, your recovery has inspired all of us including ME.....I don't see how it couldn't also inspire your mom. It is contagious...and I hope I never become immune to it.
Well done, lady!
Well done, lady!
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
For now, I'm just going to say a prayer that recovery is contageous and that my mom just caught the bug!!!
Alice
Your post made me smile.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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It's this place!!! It has rocked my world in so many good ways.
This is really the first time I have confidently, quietly, and with care supported my mom not in what I think she should do or how I think she should be but rather what she wants for herself and how she wants her life to be. She will do what she is going to do and that's okay. I will accept her as I find her. I can step back just far enough, though, not to get sucked in but close enough to still get my arms around her and tell her I love her. It's really all I ever wanted and it feels good.
It's progress not perfection, right? One cautious step at a time because I'm still learning and checking my limits. I'm smiling because it was a good day!
Alice
This is really the first time I have confidently, quietly, and with care supported my mom not in what I think she should do or how I think she should be but rather what she wants for herself and how she wants her life to be. She will do what she is going to do and that's okay. I will accept her as I find her. I can step back just far enough, though, not to get sucked in but close enough to still get my arms around her and tell her I love her. It's really all I ever wanted and it feels good.
It's progress not perfection, right? One cautious step at a time because I'm still learning and checking my limits. I'm smiling because it was a good day!
Alice
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Alice,
I've learned soooo much from my young adult daughter. She continues to have a great influence on me in life, as I do in hers. We are a wonderful support system for each other. I hope that this is the start of a loving, enjoyable future for you and your mom.
And she can't wait for the new Alice in Wonderland movie to come out!
I've learned soooo much from my young adult daughter. She continues to have a great influence on me in life, as I do in hers. We are a wonderful support system for each other. I hope that this is the start of a loving, enjoyable future for you and your mom.
And she can't wait for the new Alice in Wonderland movie to come out!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Amazing, isn't it? It's been a gradual awakening me to become aware of the dysfunction in my family of origin. I struggle also with trying to have a healthy relationship; but I love them and don't want to cut ties completely...
Anyway, my mother is a very proud and stubborn woman. As she is getting older she has some severe mobility issues. She now uses a walker and cannot drive (at only age 70). My Dad is in pretty good health, so he has taken over a lot of the household things Mom used to do. My brother lives nearby; my sister and I both live about 150 miles away. My sister called the other night explained how she was thinking about going out for the weekend -- she had offered to come help my Mom around the house. She wasn't sure if Mom wanted her to; and was especially concerned that my brother expected her to, that he was feeling resentful that she (or we?) weren't doing enough to help mom & dad.
I wasn't able to offer much, but did tell her if she was going only because she felt guilty then she should not do it. If she genuinely wanted to help that was different. That she needed to find out if help was wanted, and all of us siblings should have a chat about things (that will be a hard one!). I also told her I did not feel an obligation to go help, that they were doing OK. Also, that if they have too much house and can't manage; they have other options available to them that don't involve us kids taking care of them.
It wasn't much, I felt very weak even saying it. But, my sis told me she felt much better after talking to me and it gave her something to think about.
Anyway, my mother is a very proud and stubborn woman. As she is getting older she has some severe mobility issues. She now uses a walker and cannot drive (at only age 70). My Dad is in pretty good health, so he has taken over a lot of the household things Mom used to do. My brother lives nearby; my sister and I both live about 150 miles away. My sister called the other night explained how she was thinking about going out for the weekend -- she had offered to come help my Mom around the house. She wasn't sure if Mom wanted her to; and was especially concerned that my brother expected her to, that he was feeling resentful that she (or we?) weren't doing enough to help mom & dad.
I wasn't able to offer much, but did tell her if she was going only because she felt guilty then she should not do it. If she genuinely wanted to help that was different. That she needed to find out if help was wanted, and all of us siblings should have a chat about things (that will be a hard one!). I also told her I did not feel an obligation to go help, that they were doing OK. Also, that if they have too much house and can't manage; they have other options available to them that don't involve us kids taking care of them.
It wasn't much, I felt very weak even saying it. But, my sis told me she felt much better after talking to me and it gave her something to think about.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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nowinsituation,
Thank you for sharing that! Guilt is a very strong motivator for my mom.
In her note about the counselor, she also talked about her feelings as a sibling and feeling an obligation to take care of her brother since she is all the family he has left. Of course, I can't help but wonder if he had been more interested in family he would have treated us all better over the years. I think he's made his bed and he should lie in it, though I am trying to build my compassion and overlook that inclination.
In her note, my mother said she hoped that if I had health concerns and needed help down the road since I have chosen not to have children, that my brother and his family would be there to help me out. She then went on to add that of course she would not expect it of him if it was detrimental to his health and happiness.
I found it interesting that she would award such a caveat to my brother but not allow it for herself. Later, I pondered if that was just a step towards acceptance. By thinking it was okay for my brother to put himself before his only sibling, it might help her to think of herself before her only sibling, too.
I did not comment on it back to her since it is her discovery to make. Instead I will put that energy into wishing her well.
Alice
Thank you for sharing that! Guilt is a very strong motivator for my mom.
In her note about the counselor, she also talked about her feelings as a sibling and feeling an obligation to take care of her brother since she is all the family he has left. Of course, I can't help but wonder if he had been more interested in family he would have treated us all better over the years. I think he's made his bed and he should lie in it, though I am trying to build my compassion and overlook that inclination.
In her note, my mother said she hoped that if I had health concerns and needed help down the road since I have chosen not to have children, that my brother and his family would be there to help me out. She then went on to add that of course she would not expect it of him if it was detrimental to his health and happiness.
I found it interesting that she would award such a caveat to my brother but not allow it for herself. Later, I pondered if that was just a step towards acceptance. By thinking it was okay for my brother to put himself before his only sibling, it might help her to think of herself before her only sibling, too.
I did not comment on it back to her since it is her discovery to make. Instead I will put that energy into wishing her well.
Alice
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