squirt

Hi all,
Just feeling down and also frustrated. Trying to muster up the strength to ask him to leave and waiting for a good time. AH is gone to the casino at the moment. I've been checking the bank account on line and watching our funds. I actually transferred all but less than $100 from checking to savings so he doesn't have access to it from the ATM, but by the red, negative numbers in my account, apparently THAT doesn't work!!
He made it through the weekend without drinking but of course was pretty much worthless--either in bed or on the couch. Didn't help out at all around the house last week or weekend. Today was a drinking day. I went to work but could tell by about noon when I talked to him on the phone that he was drinking. He actually has energy and talks! He cleaned the kitchen and made dinner--quite a feat for him. Tried to make it all nice for me when I got home. But of course he was buzzed and hyped up, did not eat dinner with us and left without saying anything. But I knew where he went.
To make it all worse, if that's possible, he's been off work since mid-July, currently on short term disability and only making about 1/4 of his reg. income. He just got his disability check today and has already "spent" it's worth at the casino in the last hour or so. That's what has happened with at least the last 4 disability checks.
I keep thinking that after he goes back to work, hopefully in about 3 weeks, he will have enough income and I can ask him to move out, while still having enough to help support the family. I'm not sure I can wait that long. I was in this similar situation a year ago when I got him to go to rehab. Obviously didnt' work. Now, here I am, a year later, in the same freaking boat.
Thanks for listening

Pelican

Hey S,

Thanks for checking in. Have you gotten any legal advice yet?

squirt

nope, no legal advice yet. Think I'll get my own checking account tomorrow though.
thanks.

Trying2Fly

Sending you kind thoughts.

transformyself

Thank you for posting this. Sending you strength.

Jadmack25

Hi Squirt, yes I think you need your own account.
Do you really have to wait for him to return to work, before you send him packing?

He obviously has little care or concern for his family's needs, as wasting his disability payments on his drinking and the casino shows. I assume you are supporting the home as he isn't, so if that is correct, do you need a man who either lays around the place "worthless" to the family, or is out wasting money on his selfish wants?

3 weeks of that behavior will seem like a long, long time to you. Time you could spend in peace, planning your future and getting your life together, without having a human millstone round your neck.

Maybe he should just move in to the casino.

Sorry you are having to go thru this and hope it ends very soon.

God bless

Pelican

I had a block put onto my personal checking and savings accounts when I seperated finances from my active AH. The block prevents anyone from accessing my account over the phone. I must show my i.d. in person to make withdrawals and transfers out of my accounts. I can do my banking on-line, but that is password protected. I did that because my AH knew my SS#, date of birth, etc.. and did his banking over the phone. The "gals" at the bank all knew him and were charmed by him.

I went to a different branch (same bank company) and asked the branch manager what I could do to protect myself from being wiped out by an estranged spouse. They have been through this many times with divorces and my branch manager was very helpful. I also opened a second safe deposit box that was big enough to put copies of paperwork in. I hid all of our tax returns from the past 7 years (to prove his earning potential), and all legal documents for myself and the children.

Raging alcoholics are unpredictable. When an active alcoholic realizes their enabler is leaving they become desperate. Take care of yourself.

squirt

Well, after AH got home Monday night (drinking and at the casino), I decided that was as good a time as any. I calmly told him I was ready for him to leave; find someplace else to live because I didn't want the chaos that goes along with his alcoholism in my and my kids lives anymore. I was a bit surprised neither of us expressed much anger, he was surprisingly calm about the situation. Of course I could see the panic mode kicking in his brain. He was still buzzed (from alcohol) so I'm sure his thinking was warped. He asked for his credit cards back, which I gave him. Said he'd go stay in a motel for a couple of days, etc. He did leave, I went back to bed. He didn't go to a motel but just back to the casino. yadda yadda. the next day he's all bummed, sorry and wants to fix everything. Basically he was freaking out about the thought of having to live alone. He admitted that if he did that he'd probably just drink more and end up dead. He was considering checking himself into a psych hospital, going back to a rehab or something. I told him to let me know if he needed a ride, then I went to work. I should say, he's been off work on disability for legit. health reasons, although I know his lifestyle takes a big toll on his heath, since mid July. He hates his job but it's his only shot at a good income with insurance and benefits. So, he's got an internal battle over not getting fired/losing his job and the prospect of returning to something he hates.
Either way, He did nothing on Tues. Wed. he made lots of phone calls to his job, the union, his Dr., insurance, etc. looking at his options. He was considering re-doing an Intensive Outpatient Program. By Wed. evening he had pretty much talked himself out of that, waiting to see what the Doctor and his job prospects were. Thursday, he makes more phone calls, his goal being to see when he can return to work, thinking that will make everything better. He gets no answers so was "waiting" for people to call him back. For all his efforts he feels justified to finish off the last few shots of vodka he had in the house and smoke pot. I could tell when I got home that he was a bit too upbeat to be sober. There goes my false hope! I told him I wouldn't kick him out on the street. I said he could stay here as long as he was making a sincere effort at getting sober. So why is he still here? I told him today that making phone calls and doing the dishes does not mean he can "party". He tried justifying his actions last night as trying to take care of business and "not lose my mind". I know, it's nothing new. I am still amazed, however, how he can go from out of control partying/gambling, to the verge of being kicked out, to feeling like admitting himself to an inpt. facility, decreasing his treatment to possibly out pt. therapy or individual therapy, to trying to get his job back (but really looking for an excuse to stay on disability longer) and then back to partying and thinking it's okay===all in 4 days. Unbelievable.--to anyone but us huh?
So, he's got his doctor to recommend another 4 weeks off work so he can lose at least 15 pounds. Of course he's been off work 12 weeks already and has only gained weight. Tonight at dinner, he was definately NOT taking his Dr's advice of cutting out/back carbs. What the crap?
On a positive note, I DID open my own checking and savings accounts on Tuesday. I took half of what was in our joint accts and opened my own. I told him about it and why I did it. He didn't have any complaints at the time. Okay, I guess that's enough for now. So I'm still waivering here. I need to keep my momentum moving in the right direction and stand firm on my limits with him. He loves living in the gray zone, always looking for a loophole. drives me nuts. thanks for listening.
Squirt

intheknow

I have been here, over and over again.


I see myself here, a year from now if I don't do something FOR MYSELF.