Someone help me please. I am new.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Why do you have to decide right now? When I'm not sure what I should do, I have found doing nothing to be the best option. When the time is right to make a decision, you will know.
L
L
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Wow, I think you're doing pretty great and if you continue on your path of working on yourself and not worrying about what he's doing, you'll find your own answers eventually. It may help you to get past your anger to continue al-anon and really ponder the idea that alcoholism is a disease. But we all feel anger, because what we've been through is not fair, and for many of us, we had to be the parent to our spouse for so long that the romantic feelings kind of die.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Counseling on your own will reveal many things, sunnyvols. It did for me.
The trick for me was to let myself feel what I feel, and stop asking myself, "Is this normal?"
A lot has happened in your marriage and it may be damaged beyond repair now. Not making any judgment calls from here, of course, but having felt these feelings before (after similar irresponsibility, lack of care, suicide threats with my AX) I know I just wanted to be free of the drama and get on with my life. Your soul may just be done. There is no shame in that.
But I agree with LTD. You don't have to act right away. You can take some time and help in sorting through your feelings, sorting through your options, and deciding what's best for you and the kids.
Hugs,
GL
The trick for me was to let myself feel what I feel, and stop asking myself, "Is this normal?"
A lot has happened in your marriage and it may be damaged beyond repair now. Not making any judgment calls from here, of course, but having felt these feelings before (after similar irresponsibility, lack of care, suicide threats with my AX) I know I just wanted to be free of the drama and get on with my life. Your soul may just be done. There is no shame in that.
But I agree with LTD. You don't have to act right away. You can take some time and help in sorting through your feelings, sorting through your options, and deciding what's best for you and the kids.
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: around the riverbend in the boonedocks, USA
Posts: 56
Whoa when I first read this I thought I had wrote it. I'm 29 have daughters who are 3 and 5, WAS married almost 8 years, together for 10 years.
If you look at my post, my husband did all that your's is doing and more. He drank when I meet, he was sucidal, diagnoised bi-polar, in and out of hospitals and rehab centers.
I left my husband, cause the finally line was drawn, he head butted me one night, in a blackout drunk.
That was 3 years ago. a week ago, he left a six month christian recovery community. We talk, he comes over and has supper, and play's with the kids, and watches t.v. with me.
We, I would say take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!! We love each other, but lost ourselves in the past. We will continue to live apart, for now, and see how it goes.
Give things time, he needs time, you need time. Find yourself again, I know it can be hard with 2 little ones, working a full time job, and all the bills, and chores around the house. I try really hard to get a hour in between the girls bedtime and mine to do some ME time!!!! Again my beginning happened 3 years ago, I remember the crazy times!!!! Sitting watching tv blankly, and crying as the kids played. You gotta snap out of it! You daughters will see that, and even though they may not say anything, they are wondering why mommy's crying. Go into another room and take a moment.
You, your girls, and your husband are in my thoughts and pray's, the best to you.
Take Care,
Kota
If you look at my post, my husband did all that your's is doing and more. He drank when I meet, he was sucidal, diagnoised bi-polar, in and out of hospitals and rehab centers.
I left my husband, cause the finally line was drawn, he head butted me one night, in a blackout drunk.
That was 3 years ago. a week ago, he left a six month christian recovery community. We talk, he comes over and has supper, and play's with the kids, and watches t.v. with me.
We, I would say take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!! We love each other, but lost ourselves in the past. We will continue to live apart, for now, and see how it goes.
Give things time, he needs time, you need time. Find yourself again, I know it can be hard with 2 little ones, working a full time job, and all the bills, and chores around the house. I try really hard to get a hour in between the girls bedtime and mine to do some ME time!!!! Again my beginning happened 3 years ago, I remember the crazy times!!!! Sitting watching tv blankly, and crying as the kids played. You gotta snap out of it! You daughters will see that, and even though they may not say anything, they are wondering why mommy's crying. Go into another room and take a moment.
You, your girls, and your husband are in my thoughts and pray's, the best to you.
Take Care,
Kota
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
You have found a great place.
I found many similarities in your post to my own situation.
I agree w/ LTD. Take some time. It took a long time for you marrage to get to where it is. It will take a long time to repair it (if that is what you choose). If you choose not to than that is okay too, but it will also take sometime for you to heal.
Al-anon is a great place to go! I am so glad to hear you are attending meetings.
I know it must feel good to not have a front row seat to the disease anymore.
((((hugs)))
Keep posting!
I found many similarities in your post to my own situation.
I agree w/ LTD. Take some time. It took a long time for you marrage to get to where it is. It will take a long time to repair it (if that is what you choose). If you choose not to than that is okay too, but it will also take sometime for you to heal.
Al-anon is a great place to go! I am so glad to hear you are attending meetings.
I know it must feel good to not have a front row seat to the disease anymore.
((((hugs)))
Keep posting!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I want to do what is best for my girls. I also think I am worth more than how he has treated me.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
AH has told me worrying about whether I am staying with him is making his sobriety (13 days at this point) more difficult: My response is "sorry, that's reality and you need to deal with it!"
Can I just say...Wow!...this is fantastic! This is a wonderful ownership lesson for me. What is mine to deal with and what is yours to deal with...rightly said.
My first reaction would always be to apologize and try to reassure him that I wasn't trying to make things difficult and that I would be there to support him, when in reality I just wanted space to deal with the whole leave/stay question on my own and leave him to deal with the uncertainty of that.
I'm two months out of my relationship with my XABF and I am still bouncing between sadness and indifference. Now, I seem concern myself with whether he understands why I have gone no contact. Your post has inspired me. I have gone no contact, and it is up to him to deal with that and deal with the lack of explanation on my part. If it crashes him to his bottom, then it's his HP's will not mine.
Your resolve and understanding of your situation is a lesson to me...thank you for posting!!!
Alice
Can I just say...Wow!...this is fantastic! This is a wonderful ownership lesson for me. What is mine to deal with and what is yours to deal with...rightly said.
My first reaction would always be to apologize and try to reassure him that I wasn't trying to make things difficult and that I would be there to support him, when in reality I just wanted space to deal with the whole leave/stay question on my own and leave him to deal with the uncertainty of that.
I'm two months out of my relationship with my XABF and I am still bouncing between sadness and indifference. Now, I seem concern myself with whether he understands why I have gone no contact. Your post has inspired me. I have gone no contact, and it is up to him to deal with that and deal with the lack of explanation on my part. If it crashes him to his bottom, then it's his HP's will not mine.
Your resolve and understanding of your situation is a lesson to me...thank you for posting!!!
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 20
Thanks for posting Sunnyvols. I am glad to hear you have the backbone to stand up for yourself and your kids. I know that's what is right. I can very much relate to your "story". My AH has been on short term disability since mid July, just looking for ways to stay off work longer if he can. I'm ready for him to leave/move out also. I'm just waiting for him to return to work, have some income, then I want to ask him to leave.
I also like your line to him about reality and he's got to get used to it. I totally understand about trying to make things easier for him, usually at a cost to myself and kids. I think it comes from the years of treating him like one of my own kids, he comes across as being helpless.
Good luck to you. I think you are going in the right direction and being cautious about your future with him.
Squirt
I also like your line to him about reality and he's got to get used to it. I totally understand about trying to make things easier for him, usually at a cost to myself and kids. I think it comes from the years of treating him like one of my own kids, he comes across as being helpless.
Good luck to you. I think you are going in the right direction and being cautious about your future with him.
Squirt
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