Sick of the lies
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
Sick of the lies
Hi, I'm new to this forum. I've been in al-anon for about five weeks. My a is my husband and he decided he was leaving this weekend to go stay with his mother. He lied to our children about where he was going, he lied to his mother or shall I say left out details of his infidelity over the past year. If his family really knew they would not continue to coddle him. He is in AA, but he feels that he only needs 30 days of sobriety and then he will be able to drink casually. I'm basically dealing with a man with all of the alcoholic behaviors, but he is dry. He wants to "date" me again and become friends again. I want that too, but he needs to live in our home so we can work on this marriage. The resentment that I have acquired over the past three days is almost unbearable. When I talk to him or see him, I'm growing to hate him. I found out this morning that he didn't stay at his mother's this weekend and now I'm on the verge of rage! Detachment has been very hard for me and I know that I can't control him, but I can't stand being lied too. I haven't spoken to him yet today and I know that he will come up with some story about where he was. I guess my question is how do I state my boundary that I will not allow him to lie to me. I can't take it anymore. Almost everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. How are we supposed to work on trust issues when he is out of our home and I have no idea what he is doing and he thinks that trust is something I need to work on not that he need to gain my trust. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Victoria and welcome!
I know you want to slap him. I want to slap him for you. However...
Boundaries are for you... not for him. They aren't about what you will "allow". You can't control whether he lies to you or not. All you can do is decide what you are willing to put up with. That won't change what he does. You can only change what you do.
Ultimatums sometimes work on reasonable people. Now that Dino is clean I can say "If you don't refill the ice trays I will murder you in your sleep." and the ice trays get filled. But a person who is actively drinking or using in an abusive way is not a reasonable person. Making rules for them is just going to leave brick imprints on your forehead.
Glad you joined us!
Hugs,
Smoke
I know you want to slap him. I want to slap him for you. However...
Boundaries are for you... not for him. They aren't about what you will "allow". You can't control whether he lies to you or not. All you can do is decide what you are willing to put up with. That won't change what he does. You can only change what you do.
Ultimatums sometimes work on reasonable people. Now that Dino is clean I can say "If you don't refill the ice trays I will murder you in your sleep." and the ice trays get filled. But a person who is actively drinking or using in an abusive way is not a reasonable person. Making rules for them is just going to leave brick imprints on your forehead.
Glad you joined us!
Hugs,
Smoke
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Victoria,
Smoke is so dead-on with the whole "boundary" thing... as much as we are level-headed and responsible, it does not give us any right to control their actions - no matter how insane and unreasonable they are.
Somehow, we have to find a way to leave them to themselves... these are behaviors that are irresponsible and there will eventually be consequenses; our controlling and enabling ways create a convenient smoke-screen for them, and they don't suffer until we let go.
I have heard the lies also... and I was always sooo angry at him. But the thing is that I allowed myself to be affected. An A will do anything it takes to maintain the disease in their life, until they are ready to surrender to it... they will lie, cheat and do some very hurtful things. The power WE have is the most important tool. We can coose to not play the game; to not let their actions control ours... to maintain our health and happiness, no matter where they are in their struggles. It is not a cure for THEM... but the gift in it is all ours.
As hard as it is to imagine... you CAN still love this man (whther you remain in a comitted relationship or not), but only if you can "let go" of the disease and all of its behavior. Putting yourself first, and being aware of what is healthy and safe, will put you in a peaceful place.
I hope that you continue to go to meetings, and keep coming here to share
Take care
Meg
Smoke is so dead-on with the whole "boundary" thing... as much as we are level-headed and responsible, it does not give us any right to control their actions - no matter how insane and unreasonable they are.
Somehow, we have to find a way to leave them to themselves... these are behaviors that are irresponsible and there will eventually be consequenses; our controlling and enabling ways create a convenient smoke-screen for them, and they don't suffer until we let go.
I have heard the lies also... and I was always sooo angry at him. But the thing is that I allowed myself to be affected. An A will do anything it takes to maintain the disease in their life, until they are ready to surrender to it... they will lie, cheat and do some very hurtful things. The power WE have is the most important tool. We can coose to not play the game; to not let their actions control ours... to maintain our health and happiness, no matter where they are in their struggles. It is not a cure for THEM... but the gift in it is all ours.
As hard as it is to imagine... you CAN still love this man (whther you remain in a comitted relationship or not), but only if you can "let go" of the disease and all of its behavior. Putting yourself first, and being aware of what is healthy and safe, will put you in a peaceful place.
I hope that you continue to go to meetings, and keep coming here to share
Take care
Meg
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hi
I totally agree with Meg and Smoke.
Detaching is all about you. Setting boundaries is all about you in fact everything is all about you.
Just make sure you are taking care of and you start with detachment with love. I still love my ex A with all of my heart. Being away from him has made it so much easier and my life is filled with wonderful things.
When I allow myself to be pulled back in and interact with him and his life, everything goes crazy again. It reminds me of how bad it was when I was there. Now I know the difference.
Everytime I think it is ok and we spend a couple of beautiful days together he turnes around and lets me have it and that is so bad.
He lied to his entire family . I do not know what he told them but no one talks to me. It hurts. I could find out and tell them my side but I chose not to. It is to difficult and would probably make me look like a damn psycho. After all, blood is thicker than water and who will they believe? their son or his ex gf?
Isen't that so sad? As long as I know me and my actions, I do not have to defend myself with his family or anyone for that matter.
So hang in there. It will be tough but you can do it. Remember you are worth everything and so much more. You are loved!
Huggs
Detaching is all about you. Setting boundaries is all about you in fact everything is all about you.
Just make sure you are taking care of and you start with detachment with love. I still love my ex A with all of my heart. Being away from him has made it so much easier and my life is filled with wonderful things.
When I allow myself to be pulled back in and interact with him and his life, everything goes crazy again. It reminds me of how bad it was when I was there. Now I know the difference.
Everytime I think it is ok and we spend a couple of beautiful days together he turnes around and lets me have it and that is so bad.
He lied to his entire family . I do not know what he told them but no one talks to me. It hurts. I could find out and tell them my side but I chose not to. It is to difficult and would probably make me look like a damn psycho. After all, blood is thicker than water and who will they believe? their son or his ex gf?
Isen't that so sad? As long as I know me and my actions, I do not have to defend myself with his family or anyone for that matter.
So hang in there. It will be tough but you can do it. Remember you are worth everything and so much more. You are loved!
Huggs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Welcome Victoria,
Try and use this time apart to work on yourself. You have all the time in the world....if he wants to work on the marriage it can be done without living in the same house. In fact in my opion it really could be a good opportunity for you to take some time and decided what boundaries to set for yourself.
Glad that you found us...keep coming back.
Blessings,
Constant
Try and use this time apart to work on yourself. You have all the time in the world....if he wants to work on the marriage it can be done without living in the same house. In fact in my opion it really could be a good opportunity for you to take some time and decided what boundaries to set for yourself.
Glad that you found us...keep coming back.
Blessings,
Constant
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
Thank you all for your input. He is coming over tonight to see the kids. I feel like I should tell him to either leave completely or stay to work on the marriage. He can't just pack a bag every few days and leave the responsibility of telling our children where daddy is with me. He thinks he can just come and go as he pleases, call when he wants to and not have any responsibility. I can't "date" him. this situation is just making me hate him. He thinks that time apart would help me in my recovery - oh isn't he the expert! Maybe you're right Constant. I could use this time to just figure out what life is like without him. I'll take one day at a time with the frame of mind of he isn't here - this is what life is like. It's actually much quieter and peaceful. Maybe I'll just stay quiet tonight. When in doubt, do nothing!!! I'll continue to pray for the right words and actions tonight. Thank you all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
I'm new at this so I'll keep my advice simple as to not say the wrong thing. I've have always tried to help my A get out of his depression - I love you, it doesn't matter that you've had failures, I'm still here, I'll always be by your side and on and on and on. I now realize that when he goes to those dark places of depression, I can't go there with him. We learn in al-anon that we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy. Only he can make himself happy. I know that is a hard thing to let go of, but in the five weeks that I have been in al-anon I have seen that he doesn't complain anymore. He doesn't tell him how guilty he feels that he lost his job and almost everything we worked so hard for. He knows I won't listen because I can't be sad. Whenever I have a good attitude, he has a good attitude, when I have a bad attitude, he has a bad attitude. In his disease he does feel hopeless and it is a way of manipulating you so that you will continue to feel sorry for him. He doesn't need your pity. He needs compassion - which means you can feel for him, but you don't have to do anything. Hope that helps. I know it's hard, but as you start to change, you will see changes all around you that keep you going to the next level of recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
Bubblyme - the next time you post, it would be better for you to click on "new thread" so that you will have your own subject line for others to view and respond to. I don't know if anyone will realize your question other than me, because I started this thread and it has my subject "sick of the lies".
-Vicki
-Vicki
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
You and your A can still work on your marriage even if he isn't living with you. In fact a little space between you two to let the smoke clear before starting counselling may be a good thing.
You probaly need to make a clean break with him,get him out and get yourself together before you can make any rational decisions about anything.
Ngaire
You probaly need to make a clean break with him,get him out and get yourself together before you can make any rational decisions about anything.
Ngaire
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
