ellima01

for so many of you here that I have talked to over these years. Alot of you have found a way to happiness, found ways to let go- to focus on you. I think something must be missing in my brain. I have tryed for so many years to let go- let God, why can I not do it? I sit here crying at my laptop because yet agin he is drunk and mad- and I still coddle him, pity him. What is wrong with me? I've been to al-anon, psychiatrist, now counsellor- I want to feel better, but its like I have NO idea how. I have forgoten how to pray,or given up on it- not sure which. I love this man- LOVE him. Why? I just want to feel at ease again, have some joy- I swear,I really am trying- Its like someone took me out on a boat and dropped me in the middle of the ocean and left me there- lost, alone , hopeless. I just started counselling, but so far nothing- but of course I will continue to go. I just want to feel good again.

MissFixit

Hi,

I think you are at the hardest time. The moment when you love and addict and they are right there with you. Walking away from someone you love is HARD, not impossible though. L left me, but I stayed away. I thought about needling my way back early on, but I am glad that I did not.

You might want to write down what it is that YOU want, whether it is with or without him. Then, make a plan of action to reach whatever goal you set.

Hugs

ElegantlyWasted

"something must be missing in my brain" Yes... reason. Thinking too much with the heart instead of the head. You need to take care of YOU. Your counselor can help. Spiritual Awakenings, Conversion experiences, Epiphanies, happen for some. For others (my self included) it takes work to get to that point. Best of luck... This is a great place for support and an excellent way to get out of you own head and take others perspectives into consideration.

harleyd101

Your post brought tears to my eyes....I am only 6 days into NC, and I know that feeling of pain so deep it eats you away from the inside out. I think everyone here does. All I know is that I reached a bottom with this...and that pain is inevitible, but suffering is optional. It's like for years (9 of them) I tried to walk around the pain, never right through it. I think it's time to walk through it, and the good part is that we come out the other side. I'm trying to keep walking straight...there are minutes I want to veer off and get that instant gratification (phone call, seeing him, whatever), but it just doesn't work anymore. I was miserable when he was gone...felt just like it did when he was there. Hugs to you, please keep posting.