How do you handle a liar?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
LAC: The columns are the "format" for doing Step 4 as outlined in "The Big Book," Alcoholics Anonymous. This is, of course, the format that many -- probably most -- AA members use for doing the Fourth Step.
So, basically, the idea is that, if this is really causing you problems and you are having trouble letting it go and/or turning it over, you probably need to do a 4th Step around it....Yeah, it's quite a lot simpler than either of the Blueprint for Progress's, and actually, the BB format might be the easiest, most effective way to do this if you decide to do a 4th specifically around your issues with your mom.
freya
So, basically, the idea is that, if this is really causing you problems and you are having trouble letting it go and/or turning it over, you probably need to do a 4th Step around it....Yeah, it's quite a lot simpler than either of the Blueprint for Progress's, and actually, the BB format might be the easiest, most effective way to do this if you decide to do a 4th specifically around your issues with your mom.
freya
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi LAC,
I'm glad you weren't in there checking up on her. I think that would be unhealthy for you. Here's my take (my Dad's alcoholic, a couple of my brothers, in fact my whole family, and many of my friends and former boyfriends are alcoholic and/or drug addicted. I am a classic "codependent."):
I have had to learn to trust that my alcoholic and addicted friends and relatives are grown adults who are responsible for and fully capable of deciding the kind of life they wish to live, pursuing that type of life, and taking care of themselves. I have found that thinking they are not responsible, capable, and decisive is treating other people in other than a respectful and trusting manner. This is so for me, regardless of their own behavior. It is an unhealthy decision for me. I do not wish to think or act in an insulting manner toward anyone.
I have had to learn that what they do, whether or not they continue to drink, smoke crack, shoot heroin, freebase in my parents' house, steal from hospital emergency rooms, expose their small children to a house full of drug dealers and drug addicts, whatever--that they are ADULTS and it is none of my business what they do with their lives or to their families. In fact, although I have taken action to appropriately protect minor children it only resulted in severe heartbreak for me.
My job is to make the healthiest decisions for MYSELF. When I intervene in someone else's life, it has only served to harm ME, and it has never helped the other person in the way I intended in the first place. It has also several times exposed that person to even greater danger and literally, threat to their life.
I know you would like to have a certain type of relationship with your Mom and that is a noble and healthy decision. However, I caution you that you may have to settle for something much "less than" what you would like. I sincerely commend you for trying to have an active relationship with your Mom.
I've learned that it is often difficult, if not impossible, to include an addict or alcoholic in my life without the drama, chaos, confusion, and disruptions that go with this disease. I personally have had to learn how to force myself to detach 99.9% from my Dad. I still love him more than anything, I still see the "good" parts of him, but I have accept and prepare myself for "what I will get" when I include him in my life. I cannot force him, mold him, or change him into what I would like him to be, either for me, or his own best interests. I can only offer the amount of support I am able to give, provide encouragement to him, and suggest medical attention to him. I hope you find a happy medium. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself. I hope you are going to Al-Anon for yourself.
Take care.
Learn2Live I was in my mother's closet to see if a shoe rack would fit. For the first time in a long time, I was truly NOT looking for alcohol. It didn't really cross my mind until seconds before I saw the wine bottle.
I have had to learn to trust that my alcoholic and addicted friends and relatives are grown adults who are responsible for and fully capable of deciding the kind of life they wish to live, pursuing that type of life, and taking care of themselves. I have found that thinking they are not responsible, capable, and decisive is treating other people in other than a respectful and trusting manner. This is so for me, regardless of their own behavior. It is an unhealthy decision for me. I do not wish to think or act in an insulting manner toward anyone.
I have had to learn that what they do, whether or not they continue to drink, smoke crack, shoot heroin, freebase in my parents' house, steal from hospital emergency rooms, expose their small children to a house full of drug dealers and drug addicts, whatever--that they are ADULTS and it is none of my business what they do with their lives or to their families. In fact, although I have taken action to appropriately protect minor children it only resulted in severe heartbreak for me.
My job is to make the healthiest decisions for MYSELF. When I intervene in someone else's life, it has only served to harm ME, and it has never helped the other person in the way I intended in the first place. It has also several times exposed that person to even greater danger and literally, threat to their life.
I know you would like to have a certain type of relationship with your Mom and that is a noble and healthy decision. However, I caution you that you may have to settle for something much "less than" what you would like. I sincerely commend you for trying to have an active relationship with your Mom.
I've learned that it is often difficult, if not impossible, to include an addict or alcoholic in my life without the drama, chaos, confusion, and disruptions that go with this disease. I personally have had to learn how to force myself to detach 99.9% from my Dad. I still love him more than anything, I still see the "good" parts of him, but I have accept and prepare myself for "what I will get" when I include him in my life. I cannot force him, mold him, or change him into what I would like him to be, either for me, or his own best interests. I can only offer the amount of support I am able to give, provide encouragement to him, and suggest medical attention to him. I hope you find a happy medium. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself. I hope you are going to Al-Anon for yourself.
Take care.
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