CAAW

Once again, comes home drunk we get in a fight. If I don't agree with him I am crazy and I need to "shut the F up"
He wants me and the kids to go to dinner at his parents on Saturday because his drug addict brother that stole from us is coming into town. Why would I want to do that...seriously....

Nice reminder of why I am working through the process of leaving him. I have had it. Maybe I am being to nice trying to work through this step by step. I am about ready to say see ya...I don't want to be in this anymore. Is there something wrong with that??? Is he really worth me staying with? I really don't know anymore.

Also, I read everyones advice on giving him ultimatum and never really thought of that side before. I am going to take that to my counselor next Tuesday.

Really, over all I will finally admit to you all that I don't really love him anymore. I don't think he loves us. I think we are just for show. So he can say he has a wife and a family. He may say he loves us, but actions speak louder than words.

GiveLove

Follow your heart, CAAW. Do what your heart & spirit & gut tell you is best, not what you SHOULD feel.

Bernadette

I don't think he loves us. I think we are just for show. So he can say he has a wife and a family.

This is a concept I had to get my head around - but someone once described to me in AlAnon how, "Nothing gets in the way of their drinking."

So if they have to keep their job to pay for it, they will keep their job.
If they have to manipulate and lie to enablers, they manipulate and lie to enablers.
If they have to stay married as part of their self- and societal- denial mechanism, they will stay married.

Every recovered alcoholic I know has told me they were incapapble of truly loving any other human being when they were drinking because they simply and primarily could not love themselves.

Whenever I listened to active alcoholics I would get so discombobulated in my thinking - up was down and left was right. It was hard to know what I really felt or wanted. Detaching from their "input" and focusing on myself was the only way I could figure out what I needed and and how to get it....when I did that I could figure out what the next right thing was to do.

Just do the next right thing for you and your kids. Can't go wrong there. The next right thing may not be easy, but it is healthy!

peace,
b

Still Waters

I read somewhere that many alcoholics, especially those who became alcoholics very young, are master mimics. They do many things because that's what others do. Being married, having a family etc. is "normal".

I have observed my AH mimic me or others in social settings, because he either had absolutely no clue how to act - or he thought the way he acted was somehow not as good, or wrong.

Learn2Live

It was really weird for me when I realized this. It was the first time I have ever, in any of my eight (Good Lord, 8!) relationships, been able to be so emotionally detached and not feel hurt (but still loving) and be able to see the truth. I readily discovered that I, and my relationship with this person, was entirely a RUSE!
He told his entire family that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me (something he's never done before--never proposed marriage to anyone)--
all to show them how "normal" he was so that he could continue his bad behavior and lifestyle.

This too. Seeing it was weird because I always thought men in particular were so strong, independent, and knowledgeable. I really feel sorry for people who are like this and it kinda' makes me sad to know that so many grown adult men really have no idea who or what they are. (Not picking on men, I just never was in a relationship with a woman).

Still Waters

I choose to believe that my AH really did want to be normal, he just simply wasn't capable of it....nor is he capable of doing the work necessary to overcome his demons.

brundle

My AH is exactly this way!!! Creepy!!! I choose like Still Waters to believe that even if he wanted to be 'normal' and I think if he could he would. He can't. Not without hitting bottom; huge amounts of determination; rehab and possibly death. I also believe we can't give away what we don't have. He doesn't love and respect himself; so he can't love and respect anyone else.

What does control him is his addictions and due to them he does the bare minimum he needs to do function in the world and get by and everything else is given to addiction. Whatever he has to do to continue the way things are and so he can continue with it he will do. It's my trying to stop him that's crazy because he is past 'normal' reason.

That's how I see it anyway...

isurvived

It took me many years to finally realize that my AH (now XAH) was not capable. He just didn't actually have the capacity. I'd been fooled into thinking he did.

Still Waters

It's liberating, to come to that understanding.

Venice

I feel exactly the same way and have for many years. I stopped listening to the words and I kept looking for signs (actions) that we were for something other than show and I could never find them.

I too have often noticed that my AH mimics me, especially my speech patterns. I always found it so weird.

My sister recently told me to stop analyzing my marriage, stop using my head and just listen to my heart. I did and now I'm beginning the separation process. Listen to your heart.

BuffaloGal

For those confounded by alcoholics' inability to function "normally" in social and emotional situations-- do a Google search on alexithymia. It's a personality trait (not a disorder) present in 50% or so of people with addiction issues: alcohol, drugs, sexual, etc. My jaw dropped when I read up on this. The alexithymic profile describes my former husband pretty accurately (mainly that he's NEVER EVER happy no matter how well things seem to be going), and helped me understand why he has such a hard time seeing why a given idea might be a destructive course of action-- for example, not telling anyone that he was separated, not divorced.

I hate to say it, but if I had impaired emotional processing, and drinking made me able to feel for a change, I might be an alcoholic too.

--BG

Still Waters

Interesting BuffaloGal, my AH never brought up the fact that we had left him to anyone. He acted like everything was the same as ever. Even when asked how we were doing.