aboutdone

Hi all!

I am new to the board. My name says it all. I am "about done" with my AH.

I have been attending al-anon, my own counselor. My AH just got out of 25 days of treatment for his alcoholism. During that time I attended some of the family group meetings, as well as his lectures, and another meeting group he had called small group.

Try to keep this short, and to the point. We have been together 3 years, married for 2, he has 6 children from previous relationships, I have 3 from previous marriage. Together we have one beautiful 10wk old daughter. I am 39/he is 41.

We are as toxic/dysfunctional as they come, as we all suffer from our own set of problems, along with the disease of alcoholism. Anyways, the "madness" as I call it, would always lead to me kicking him out every so often, because of his lack or desire to be accountable or responsible for anything around the house, up to and including me. He would always go on a drinking binge, and then return to stay "dry" until the next big blow up.
With counseling we discovered, when he felt the need to binge, he would push my buttons, knowing I would kick him out, and he got what he wanted for a couple of days.

Anyways, one of these episodes happened 3wks before our baby was due. Only this time he left, and didn't come back. Refused my phone calls, only would email me and tell me how horrible I was to live with, talk to, how everything was always my fault.

I ended up having our daughter by emergency c-section, and he was not there. I started attending al-anon, and individual counseling, and ended up filing for divorce 2 wks after our daughter was born.

The divorce filing was brutal, as I asked for sole custody, and also had it ordered he could visit her in temp orders everyday in the morning before he went to work, however he would have to submit to a ua and alcohol swab to prove he was clean/sober that day, before he could visit her in my home. He flipped his lid. Showed up only 1 day, as he couldn't stay sober for the 12hrs prior to visitation to pass the tests.

I ended up caving and letting him come visit after work, and this became a daily routine, the whole time, with the divorce still scheduled to have final hearing 6 wks later.

It finally came to a head, with all of the crap, and I told him I wouldn't listen to one word he said unless he went into 30 day treatment. Well, he did. The very next day. I was shocked to say the least. However finally happy to see him get the care "I" felt he needed. ( madness)

Anyways, in one of the family group meetings there, the counselor was awesome in explaining how crazy everyone is. You know, how I am the one seething, yelling, screaming, my life out of control, while he is the one drunk and couldn't care less. Who is the most crazy here? I had to laugh, because I have been there one too many times.

So here we are 8 days out from his treatment, I allowed him back into the house, still with the understanding we were getting divorced. I set a 2 wk boundary, that he had to have 2nd job in 2 wks, and he had to help pay for the divorce, and he would stop the lies. 8 days later, no 2nd job, back tracking on paying for the divorce, still lying by omission, or doing my favorite, talking in circles, you know where the story gradually changes to fit whatever answer they think will keep them out of trouble.

Here is my "madness" dilemma. I really do get that I have to work the program. I understand no one can make me happy but me. I realize his sobriety is his only to maintain, not my responsibility. I get it, I get it, I get it. BUT, here is what I don't get. The "fog". He claims he can't treat me right, at the moment, because he doesn't have any money, because my expectations are too high, because I'm never happy, because he can never do enough. Right??

Now if the "fog" exists, as he is claiming, he needs time, and he is still growing, wouldn't the "fog" exist everywhere?? He has no problems at work. He doesn't tell his boss, he forgot to do something cuz he is under a "fog". But at home, he wants me to eat it. Well, I am sick of eating it. He has lied to me so many times, even during treatment, even since he came home, and when I call him out on it, he claims he is merely a baby in recovery, and has alot of learning to do. I would buy that, except that is the case only when it comes to me.

Last night, he actually decided he won't be paying for any of divorce, and is totally floored that I'm still pursuing it. WOW!

Does the lies and manipulations ever stop?

I told him I wanted divorced for now. I don't believe divorce means done necessarily, but I do know right now, living together, me again, paying for most things, me again, juggling bills by myself, me again, worrying about how we are going to pay utilities, does not in any way make me happy at all. I'm in the process of getting a different place for my children and I to live, as we don't need the BS.

Am I prematurely jumping the gun here? Is it possible that the "fog" is selective? I don't want to kick the guy when he claims to be trying to get it together, but I'm struggling with taking care of me and my kids first, and believing that supporting him while the same behaviors exist is compatible. If there was a light at the end, maybe, but I'm not seeing it.

I feel he is merely going thru the motions, claiming to work the steps, as he told me the other day, he doesn't have to make amends to me for being gone for 2 months, not supporting the family in any way, buying beer with his friends instead of diapers for his baby, the only amends he needs to do for me is to be "sober".

I think he is still manipulating, twisting, etc.

I was good with me, and my kids, until I let him come home. The last 8 days have been hell.

Basically it appears he has replaced his addiction to alcohol with his addiction to sobriety, and still uses it as an excuse to not man up, because it is always about him him him.

I sound bitter, but I'm really not. Just tired of the BS. Our divorce should be final next week, and I have tried to get him to set down and have a mature discussion about it, to save us money in the end, but he refuses. Kind of like if he doesn't talk about it, it won't happen. Hmm.

aboutdone

thanks anvilhead. And if you think that is exhausting, thats not even a tiny tip of the iceberg. LOL.

A friend told me I was done, but I just didn't know it yet. I would say they were right.

Thanks for stating the obvious. Sometimes I just need someone to smack me in the head with a 2x4 to really get it. LOL.

jehnifer

hey aboutdone - I am glad you found this sight. You coming here to post tells a very important thing. That you are not OK with what is going on and are seeking others' perspectives and support. You will get that here.

It must feel like a roller coaster for you...and probably to the kids as well. But you DO have choice. Just envision how much simpler your life can be if you were to decided not to deal with him any longer. Give yourself a break at least for YOURSELF...and during that time you can watch and see to determine if your husband's progress is "real." You will be better equipped to make important decisions at a time when you are more rested, peaceful, self-assured, less focused on him and how hes living his life. You really deserve to give yourself some time for self-care.

Still Waters

Does it ever change? Not that I've seen. Do the lies ever stop? Not that I've experienced, no. I don't think my AH lives in the same reality I do, so there is no way for them to stop.

Maybe I have a totally cracked view of what a "recovering" spouse would be like, but at the very least I would expect (there I go with those expectations!) some humility, some cooperation with household things, some consideration. A tiny bit.

Doesn't sound like you're getting any of that.

brundle

I have to agree with Still Waters. It never stops. Lucky for me; my AH has a great job that pays great. Otherwise he's useless and I live like I'm single. If they stop one crappy thing they just find a crappier way of doing it.

The "maddness" never stops. Unless you leave.

ItsmeAlice

Welcome Aboutdone!

I recently left my alcoholic boyfriend of 10+ years. He continues to drink and be merry, while I put the pieces of my life back together. I understand what it means to just be so tired of the BS you would do anything to make it all go away.

My thought is that he continues with the manipulation and the blame storming at you because you are the one who is holding the key to what he wants. A pleasant and orderly world revolving around him. This is certainly something active addicts do but certainly not exclusive to them. It is entirely possible that he's just an egotistical jerk. Before recovery the alcohol explained his behavior and now his recovery is the explanation. It can't really be him, right?? Yeah, it can be.

What I have read of recovery, and those recovering addicts on the forum can feel free to chime in of course, part of truly recovering from addiction is to take inventory of oneself and get to the real root of problems not continue to just put blame on everyone else. He should be taking ownership of his life.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. You have definitely found a great place to be for support and understanding. Keep posting!!!

Alice

Chrysalis123

I learned a lot from being married to an emotionally abusive alcohlic for 18 years and my heart goes out to you. I am so happy you are writing a few years into it versus what I did. You and your kids deserve better.

Please listen to your gut...you would not have reached out for helped if not for it, and do the right thing. I am rooting for you!

keithj

He's full of sh*t and has lousy sponsorship. Fact.

But knowing that won't help you.

Still Waters

Keith, I'd be willing to bet he has no sponsor at all.

GiveLove

Trust her when she says this, aboutdone Anvil is wicked with a philosophical 2x4 LOL

Not much advice to offer, except that you may want to examine whether you are truly non-addicted. Sounds you like you are addicted to the chaotic drama that you and your AH surround yourselves with. When you have suffered enough, and really are done with that particular brand of 'substance abuse,' you will follow through on setting and maintaining your boundaries. We each reach our bottom differently....we'll be here to help you reach yours

From what you say about him, this does not sound like the kind of person you respect. If he were just ENTERING your life right now, and you knew all of these traits, you would kick him to the curb at lightspeed, right?

Hugs to you, and the strength to finally say "enough."

Welcome!!

aboutdone

Ok, first things first. Am I addicted to the chaos. Well ya, I used to be. Not anymore. Have I conquered my codependency, not quite, but almost. I am to the point that I don't feel bad for him. I don't have the ability to save him,and I apply the 3 "C"s to everything now with him.

Moral inventory. His moral inventory is not even one full page of handwritten stuff. One of his counselors stated while going thru steps in Al Anon her moral inventory was 41 pages, front and back and she adds to it daily.

Does he have a sponsor? Not that I am aware of, of course I quit asking about it, because it just strokes his selfish ways. I don't think he daily works much of his steps. Not my problem.

He had committed to 90/90. He tried to bail on meeting last Friday, and I said if he didn't go, he could leave my house right then. After he left, I realized that was a control tactic on my part, and not to do that again. Last night he missed his first meeting, because we were talking, and he claimed he couldn't just get up and go. Wtfe. I just looked at him, and really said nothing, but he acted and implied that I should be grateful he blew off his meeting to talk to me.

I guess I am still a little mad. I really do get fed up with the "its a disease, so everything I do is because of it". Alcoholism is not a freaking umbrella. It doesn't cover everything in life that you do bad. Well, it shouldn't anyways, especially after you have went to treatment, and they hard core have taught you the steps, and are available 24/7 for questions or concerns, even now.

The latest dilemma. My electric is due to be shut off today, thanks to the financial jam this whole mess created. This again is one of his lies/manipulation tactics. He was actually laid off from work last week after he got out of treatment. He stated with his unemployment check he would pay electric bill. Cool. But being who he is, he messed up dates when he filed for unemployment. On Tuesday when he told me he checked and it hadn't posted yet, I said well what do you think you should do about it? He said he would call them, well he didn't call them until yesterday evening, and then found out he could have fixed it on Monday, but wte. As it stands, he won't get his payment until Saturday.

Stay with me here...Now, in the past, I have borrowed, sold, pawned stuff to pay the bills when he has pulled some crap like this. THIS TIME. NO. I just said, well when the electric gets turned off, the kids and I will be staying at a friends, and you can stay here in the dark, and think about the mess you have made. So, last night he suggests that I try to borrow the money from my Ex Husband that 3 of my children are with. I told him no. He was upset with me, as he says he doesn't have the resources I do, and if I would just borrow it, he will pay it back. LMAO, ya right!! Not happening. Before the evening was over, he was upset again, about why I would be divorcing him, and of course, the pity card, he claims he just screws everything up.

Ya, I am sick of it all. Now that I see all the manipulation tactics, I am truly fed up.

Still Waters

He isn't done until he's done. If he's finding excuses to avoid meetings, then he's not putting his recovery first.

You have to do what you need to do, for you.