Farewell! (for now...)
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Farewell! (for now...)
Don't mean to sound dramatic or anything... we all have had enough drama that would shame Luis de Llano (a lousy telenovela/soap opera writer down here!) LOL
I have read that Sticky that says Start Living and its my new motto.
"I miss ex" Start Living.
"I wonder if I ever meant anything" Start Living.
"I remember x event, how could he have forgotten" Start Living.
"I will never ever get over this" Star Living.
"I will never feel that way for anyone before, he was The One" Start Living.
"I wonder what will happen to him" Start Living.
Even "I am feeling fat today" Start Living....
I already deleted the pictures (that was hard)... cut ALL contact with his friends/coworkers...eventhough there was one I got close with because he says he also misses him as a friend. But he reminds me of so much past. No contact, too.
The only ties I got to him now (at least that the eye can see) are SR and a CD... which I will give a friend for storage TODAY in case one day I exchange my soul with someone and that band doesn't trigger bad memories anymore
YouTube - E Nomine - Wolfen (Das Tier in Mir) (English Translation)
That song is such a huge trigger, it makes me all
and I gave me today to listen to that song and get out whatever feeling I still got... then I won't hear it again.
YouTube - Bjork - Play Dead obsessed about this song, it describes addiction so well...
darling stop confusing me
with your wishful thinking
hopeful embraces
don't you understand?
i have to go through this...
I have drawn a lot of strength from all of you and wanted to thank you all, especially: GiveLove, anvilhead, FormerDoormat, MissFixIt, MeHandle, LaTeeDa, Freedom, Barb52, Ago, Crazy4Him, lovtolaff, bluejay, freya, baldjim, steve.
If one day I go back to old thinking I will get my a$$ to AA and remember why my life is better without ex, my DOC, and how he is a false door. For some reason it makes me feel better to be in AA and hear it from AHs themselves, how after so many decades of sobriety they are still tempted so I know its a daily struggle but it can be done and that the cravings may be there but as long as I don't do anything about them I am good.
Recovered Alcoholics talk a lot about spouses and family and friends and always say they don't know how their relatives coped with the hell they gave, they are ashamed for many things and work daily on amends... while active, they have the devil and death clinging on their shoulders...
Leaving an active alcoholic and having a front row seat to how he 'coped' and lives his life now has been my worst experience ever, I know comparisons are out of place but I have lost family to death and the pain has been much different. You know they loved you and they are with God. An addict is just a wandering body, a shadow of himself, a rollercoaster, you do not know what happens next, its not certain if they felt anything for you, its just all so raw, complex, fast and harming. A ticking bomb and you know bad things will come. And I will still have a front seat to it. I can ignore him all I want, but I can't help to notice how thin and pale he has become when I run into him. I know I will be needing support from you when disaster strikes. Although of course he may be one of those Indestructible People that Outlive Us All No Matter What.
Anyway... its been enough rehashing the past, I need to Start Living. I realized all of you know more about me than my mom, LOL, and that I have forgot my friends because they did not understand... but now I need to get back to them... a dear friend from other times had a baby and I was consumed with my stuff... not even called to say Congratulations.
I bought her baby a teddy bear and looking forward to meet him... hopefully my friend will understand.
Life goes on. I will be Out There trying to bond with humans, playing with the kitty (yes I will still post the pics!) and in general making an effort to disregard all this last year as a nightmare...
PM if you wish to stay in touch and we can email and continue talking about life or venting or sharing our little glories, especially the ones that still have to see their ex and suffer from CWR Constant Wound Reopening
Also, in regards to this Alcoholic in denial coworker... I thought about what y'all said and realized this is a very serious disease... so I won't say anything to him anymore... he knows where to find help. Real help.
I don't need more of the same topics... no more destructive addictions of any type... no more triggers.... I need to Start Living My Life !!
(Well... my addiction is sports now.. I am ready to be a sport nut and dress well and eat well and go to spas and look fab
that and cute dresses will be my new addictions... there is a Burberry dress that is flirting with me these days, LOL. Welcome, my new DOC: Vanity!)
I have read that Sticky that says Start Living and its my new motto.
"I miss ex" Start Living.
"I wonder if I ever meant anything" Start Living.
"I remember x event, how could he have forgotten" Start Living.
"I will never ever get over this" Star Living.
"I will never feel that way for anyone before, he was The One" Start Living.
"I wonder what will happen to him" Start Living.
Even "I am feeling fat today" Start Living....
I already deleted the pictures (that was hard)... cut ALL contact with his friends/coworkers...eventhough there was one I got close with because he says he also misses him as a friend. But he reminds me of so much past. No contact, too.
The only ties I got to him now (at least that the eye can see) are SR and a CD... which I will give a friend for storage TODAY in case one day I exchange my soul with someone and that band doesn't trigger bad memories anymore
YouTube - E Nomine - Wolfen (Das Tier in Mir) (English Translation)
That song is such a huge trigger, it makes me all
and I gave me today to listen to that song and get out whatever feeling I still got... then I won't hear it again.YouTube - Bjork - Play Dead obsessed about this song, it describes addiction so well...
darling stop confusing me
with your wishful thinking
hopeful embraces
don't you understand?
i have to go through this...
I have drawn a lot of strength from all of you and wanted to thank you all, especially: GiveLove, anvilhead, FormerDoormat, MissFixIt, MeHandle, LaTeeDa, Freedom, Barb52, Ago, Crazy4Him, lovtolaff, bluejay, freya, baldjim, steve.
If one day I go back to old thinking I will get my a$$ to AA and remember why my life is better without ex, my DOC, and how he is a false door. For some reason it makes me feel better to be in AA and hear it from AHs themselves, how after so many decades of sobriety they are still tempted so I know its a daily struggle but it can be done and that the cravings may be there but as long as I don't do anything about them I am good.
Recovered Alcoholics talk a lot about spouses and family and friends and always say they don't know how their relatives coped with the hell they gave, they are ashamed for many things and work daily on amends... while active, they have the devil and death clinging on their shoulders...
Leaving an active alcoholic and having a front row seat to how he 'coped' and lives his life now has been my worst experience ever, I know comparisons are out of place but I have lost family to death and the pain has been much different. You know they loved you and they are with God. An addict is just a wandering body, a shadow of himself, a rollercoaster, you do not know what happens next, its not certain if they felt anything for you, its just all so raw, complex, fast and harming. A ticking bomb and you know bad things will come. And I will still have a front seat to it. I can ignore him all I want, but I can't help to notice how thin and pale he has become when I run into him. I know I will be needing support from you when disaster strikes. Although of course he may be one of those Indestructible People that Outlive Us All No Matter What.
Anyway... its been enough rehashing the past, I need to Start Living. I realized all of you know more about me than my mom, LOL, and that I have forgot my friends because they did not understand... but now I need to get back to them... a dear friend from other times had a baby and I was consumed with my stuff... not even called to say Congratulations.
I bought her baby a teddy bear and looking forward to meet him... hopefully my friend will understand.
Life goes on. I will be Out There trying to bond with humans, playing with the kitty (yes I will still post the pics!) and in general making an effort to disregard all this last year as a nightmare...
PM if you wish to stay in touch and we can email and continue talking about life or venting or sharing our little glories, especially the ones that still have to see their ex and suffer from CWR Constant Wound Reopening
Also, in regards to this Alcoholic in denial coworker... I thought about what y'all said and realized this is a very serious disease... so I won't say anything to him anymore... he knows where to find help. Real help.
I don't need more of the same topics... no more destructive addictions of any type... no more triggers.... I need to Start Living My Life !!
(Well... my addiction is sports now.. I am ready to be a sport nut and dress well and eat well and go to spas and look fab
that and cute dresses will be my new addictions... there is a Burberry dress that is flirting with me these days, LOL. Welcome, my new DOC: Vanity!) Last edited by TakingCharge999; 08-18-2009 at 09:54 AM.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Ahhh takingcharge - I understand where you are coming from in a way...sometimes I feel like coming here to SR and reading makes me trigger and re-live everything again...at other times - reading here keeps me on track and sane and helps me to remember why I did what I did.
I agree with you on the START LIVING! I too have been dwelling too much on the past - and the what ifs....especially wondering IF he really loved me or IF he misses me at all?? What difference does it make?
So yeah - I see why you may need a break from here....and you too have made a difference in my thought process too. I appreciate that more than you know...
I will be emailing you to stay in touch! Big HUGS and Peace with you always!
:ghug3
I agree with you on the START LIVING! I too have been dwelling too much on the past - and the what ifs....especially wondering IF he really loved me or IF he misses me at all?? What difference does it make?
So yeah - I see why you may need a break from here....and you too have made a difference in my thought process too. I appreciate that more than you know...
I will be emailing you to stay in touch! Big HUGS and Peace with you always!
:ghug3
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I just noticed I forgot to mention naive, Bernadette, laurie, Still Waters, Tough Choices, blessed4x, itsMeAlice LOL! I may as well paste the complete SR Member List!!
queenie you are a lot like me, its like reading my posts, but if I can get better believe me in some months you will start typing your first "LOLs" and putting this icon:
and we will know you are getting better!!
lovtolaff... looking forward to corresponding with you... we are in the same wavelength! we deserve a good life... it may not look like it was before... I feel numb to a lot of things now... but this stage may have other things hidden that we never imagined marry M LOL
Peace and hugs!
queenie you are a lot like me, its like reading my posts, but if I can get better believe me in some months you will start typing your first "LOLs" and putting this icon:
and we will know you are getting better!!lovtolaff... looking forward to corresponding with you... we are in the same wavelength! we deserve a good life... it may not look like it was before... I feel numb to a lot of things now... but this stage may have other things hidden that we never imagined
marry M LOLPeace and hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You're sailing off to a bright future and it's wonderful to read!!! I'm happy to stay on the dock for the moment and see you off. We all sail away in our own time and in our own ways.
I'll say Good-Bye but only for now. I hope when you need us, you'll stop back in, or maybe just to say hi and let us know of your travels out there.
May the force be with you!!!! LOL.
Lots of love. Your friend,
Alice
I'll say Good-Bye but only for now. I hope when you need us, you'll stop back in, or maybe just to say hi and let us know of your travels out there.
May the force be with you!!!! LOL.
Lots of love. Your friend,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i do understand the time has come to move on.
so, off you go into the big world with the new lessons learned.
thanks for sharing yourself with us and helping me. it's been a pleasure to have this awful experience with you !
peace and clear thought to you,
naive
so, off you go into the big world with the new lessons learned.
thanks for sharing yourself with us and helping me. it's been a pleasure to have this awful experience with you !
peace and clear thought to you,
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
ItsMeAlice when I feel down I will remember your Quest and your hours-long drive with pets, I mean you are Da Woman!!
naive, I hope you realize what a nice lady you are and keep moving forward
Yes I will still be lurking and so on, when I need a reminder of the 3 Cs....
trying3survive, Jadmack, 123bubblegum, startingover, deerwalk, vexun, deserteyes... all the ppl that calmed me down in the Chat. what a great site!
**HUGS**
PS I wonder if I should buy that dress, I mean its 400 dollars!! YUP! 400!! How vain is that... how totally superficial...
And its a discount, because its usually 800 dollars! Although I look striking in it... for someone who is afraid of drawing attention... this certainly does! and whose money is it anyway? I totally deserve it after enduring so much stuff.
Time to seek a Dumb Questions Forum now for people who would consider this a real PROBLEM "OH my god!!!!!!!!!" and have pets with silly brand names like Gucci, Dolce and Dior!!!!!!!!
naive, I hope you realize what a nice lady you are and keep moving forward
Yes I will still be lurking and so on, when I need a reminder of the 3 Cs....
trying3survive, Jadmack, 123bubblegum, startingover, deerwalk, vexun, deserteyes... all the ppl that calmed me down in the Chat. what a great site!
**HUGS**
PS I wonder if I should buy that dress, I mean its 400 dollars!! YUP! 400!! How vain is that... how totally superficial...
And its a discount, because its usually 800 dollars! Although I look striking in it... for someone who is afraid of drawing attention... this certainly does! and whose money is it anyway? I totally deserve it after enduring so much stuff.
Time to seek a Dumb Questions Forum now for people who would consider this a real PROBLEM "OH my god!!!!!!!!!" and have pets with silly brand names like Gucci, Dolce and Dior!!!!!!!!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 08-18-2009 at 11:25 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Your posts always hit the mark. I always read each word and will miss your good sense and sensible, direct language, takingcharge.
I remember throwing away the letters, deleting his number, and finally....after 2 years....throwing away the birthday present I bought for him which he did not receive because he'd disappeared and would not answer my mail or calls. It was a compass I'd bought him. To "find his way home." Ordinarily I'd have donated it to charity, but I needed the experience of putting it in the dumpster, with the accompanying dumped feelings.
I too look forward to the day when life feels fun again. We go through ebbs and flows, and life is not meant to be fun all the time. Life is a cycle, and when we are suffering, it is because it is our turn. And when the day comes that I am laughing like crazy again and loving a wonderful man again and being the kid inside I am again, I won't feel embarrassed that I am happy and others are not. Because it will be my turn to be happy.
Hey, always come back if you feel like doing 12th step work. You do that very well. xxxx
Bluejay
I remember throwing away the letters, deleting his number, and finally....after 2 years....throwing away the birthday present I bought for him which he did not receive because he'd disappeared and would not answer my mail or calls. It was a compass I'd bought him. To "find his way home." Ordinarily I'd have donated it to charity, but I needed the experience of putting it in the dumpster, with the accompanying dumped feelings.
I too look forward to the day when life feels fun again. We go through ebbs and flows, and life is not meant to be fun all the time. Life is a cycle, and when we are suffering, it is because it is our turn. And when the day comes that I am laughing like crazy again and loving a wonderful man again and being the kid inside I am again, I won't feel embarrassed that I am happy and others are not. Because it will be my turn to be happy.
Hey, always come back if you feel like doing 12th step work. You do that very well. xxxx
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
TC...in the short time that i've been at SR I’ve found your advice and posts to be SO HELPFUL and rational…it’s like you completely understand and get where I’m coming from…I guess it’s because you’ve been there too! I’m so happy for you and your recovery, it sounds like you’re in a really healthy place and I’m working on getting there too. You know that xabf has tried to contact me, twice now, and I’m trying to hold strong, but I know everyone knows how hard it is. I’m working on figuring things out for MY LIFE and taking care of MY HAPPINESS…I no longer think that’s selfish. It’s necessary, because if I don’t take care of me who else will??
So in short, thank you SO MUCH for your words of wisdom, your advice, your rational thinking, and your empathy. Keep in touch!
Ps. Just spring for the dress. You deserve it!
So in short, thank you SO MUCH for your words of wisdom, your advice, your rational thinking, and your empathy. Keep in touch!
Ps. Just spring for the dress. You deserve it!
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You are totally right bluejay, its a wheel.... once I understood that NO, I don't have to feel happy or 'have to feel X stuff' in any specific way... stress was released... after this there is some naivete and innocence that is lost, but I like the wisdom I have gained through the experience... and now I know what is really worthy and important in this life...
I kind of flirt with the 12 steps, randomly and without order! I will keep putting the mirror infront of me, I remember I did that in one thread... I hope if I keep getting all those things out there, I will have more joy and less chains. More forgiveness... I know I can't forgive ex because I have not forgiven myself for believing all his harsh words and not standing up for myself... but I hope to come to peace with me and the peace with him will come naturally... indifference is such a cherished prize I will do anything it takes for it.
queenie it seems you made a great realization, it took me months to get it LOL!! you will get over this, I am sure... I will go to the shop tomorrow !!
We need to keep the inner work even when we start feeling better.
Thanks for the encouragement and kind words!!
I kind of flirt with the 12 steps, randomly and without order! I will keep putting the mirror infront of me, I remember I did that in one thread... I hope if I keep getting all those things out there, I will have more joy and less chains. More forgiveness... I know I can't forgive ex because I have not forgiven myself for believing all his harsh words and not standing up for myself... but I hope to come to peace with me and the peace with him will come naturally... indifference is such a cherished prize I will do anything it takes for it.
queenie it seems you made a great realization, it took me months to get it LOL!! you will get over this, I am sure...
I will go to the shop tomorrow !! We need to keep the inner work even when we start feeling better.
Thanks for the encouragement and kind words!!
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
You go Girl!!!! 
lol....I to am about to post some last thoughts and get back to "in person" contact after being strengthened and resting here on SR. Also need to get back to some responsibilities I let 'float' while needing to be here.
TakingCharge999, Did I say " You go Girl!!!"
( Hey, lol.... taking care of yourself and enjoying life in full with some clothes you like is not vanity as long as you don't start obsessing! lol.... don't spend to much time in the mirror or you won't be living life out in that new dress.)
love tammy
Galations 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
I pray your life will be filled with this Spirit. :-)
lol....I to am about to post some last thoughts and get back to "in person" contact after being strengthened and resting here on SR. Also need to get back to some responsibilities I let 'float' while needing to be here.
TakingCharge999, Did I say " You go Girl!!!"
( Hey, lol.... taking care of yourself and enjoying life in full with some clothes you like is not vanity as long as you don't start obsessing! lol.... don't spend to much time in the mirror or you won't be living life out in that new dress.)
love tammy
Galations 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
I pray your life will be filled with this Spirit. :-)
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks a lot for your warm responses, I will take myself shopping today
I just wanted to tell you I just gave the cleaning lady her gift. She got all teary. And me too because it was nothing spectacular, this doll and yet she was moved. I was next to the girl that hired me, a really good friend. Both of them saw me at my very worst and stuck by me, kicked my a$$ when needed and reminded me of God/HP.
The two of them were really wonderful to me and told me they were happy I got someone who values me and more than that, that I was their friend. We almost cried infront of coworkers and the director who was also walking nearby LOL.
Its so wonderful to give and get out of your little world for a moment.
There are hugs that mean a lot and can make one's day, it was such a healing moment.
((HUGS))
I just wanted to tell you I just gave the cleaning lady her gift. She got all teary. And me too because it was nothing spectacular, this doll and yet she was moved. I was next to the girl that hired me, a really good friend. Both of them saw me at my very worst and stuck by me, kicked my a$$ when needed and reminded me of God/HP.
The two of them were really wonderful to me and told me they were happy I got someone who values me and more than that, that I was their friend. We almost cried infront of coworkers and the director who was also walking nearby LOL.
Its so wonderful to give and get out of your little world for a moment.
There are hugs that mean a lot and can make one's day, it was such a healing moment.
((HUGS))
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