HoopNinja

AH has visitation--just not overnight yet since he has not found a place to live (I think he thinks I am going to change my mine--not happening).

AH's brother and kids came to visit from CA this weekend and AH and his clan were all having lunch at a restaurant.

First AH was to have them Saturday because I had a bunch of people helping me get the house ready to sell. He is supposed to be there around 8:30 and shows up at 10:30. He says he will have the kids back by 2:00--again, I thought he was going to see them all day. From what he says he misses them terribly. He had to do some things so he brought them back at 1:00.

My sister and her family was in from NYC this weekend.

OK, now the difference. Sons go with stbxah and his family spends a great deal of time at the restaurant talking trash about me--in front of the kids. Older DS got very upset.

My family, younger DS says there are some changes in our family. Response-we know it is hard honey but one thing that won't change is your Mama and your Daddy will always love you.

My sister came and got the kids at 2:00 and I got over to the family festivities around 7:00 after everyone had left our house (and they had done a ton of work--I am very lucky).

When we leave older DS attacks me verbally and then breaks down into sobbing tears. He had been holding in all the sadness he felt that AH's family had been saying mean and horrible things about me and just blew. That is when I found out while at the restaurant they all were sitting around talking trash about me in front of the kids.

Then older DS starts telling me he is afraid he is going to get shot. My brain is just going--what is going on here. Well AH does not pay attn. to what is on the radio so older DS (8 years old) hears a news story about gang members being snipers and shooting at total strangers. So I allay his fears that I will keep him safe (again, both my kids are adopted and have RAD and PTSD).

When AH called yesterday I very politely told him I did not care if he and his family talked garbage about me or made me sound like the devil incarnate--but to not do it in front of the kids because it was hurting them. Response--we did not. OK, maybe Aunt Betty Sue may have, quack, quack, quack.

Yesterday took kids to the store to get some things to complete getting the house ready to sell and I get to hear what the clan said about me because older DS starts to shriek at me in the store and had I put granny's face on his body it would have been her. Sounded like her through and through.

Now I am thinking--OK, these people are total insensitive morons who cannot figure out you don't talk about these things in front of children. I am not sure what to do about this because it really upset older DS a lot and now younger DS is getting upset because older DS is upset.

I am keeping a record of all this **** and will ask my lawyer what his recommendation is. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it?

Thanks.

laurie6781

Call your local Health Department and ask about recommendations for a child psychologist for the kids. Both of them need counseling right now, to help them get through this.

Keeping a log of this is a great idea and I am sure your attorney can use it in court, but right now those boys need more help than mommy can give them.

Yes, I am appalled at what his family did but not surprised. He is toxic and his family is toxic.

You have a great relationship with your kids. Keep the lines open. Maybe with the older child you can explain in words he will understand that what Dad's family thinks of you doesn't bother you. What other people think of you doesn't bother you. What HP thinks of you does, so you do the very best you can.

You get the idea, lol

I am sorry you have to go through this, keep your attorney INFORMED of everything, what was reported to you by the kids, how the children acted and reacted after the visit, etc

e are walking with you in spirit if not in reality.

Love and hugs,

PurpleWilder

There was a section in my divorce decree that said neither parent was allowed to denegrate the other in front of the children. In English: if I had something to say about him, I needed to say it to him or else keep my mouth shut.

Is there a section like this in your decree? It only directly addresses what you ex can do and doesn't really have any power over his family members. But if he is failing to step in when they start up that crap you might have grounds for legal action.

Just keep them away from his family if you can. Easier said than done, I know. I have no family in the area and my ex has a brother, sis in law, cousin, aunts, etc.. I can only imagine what is said about me when they get together but I don't dwell on it. My motto is:

You laugh at me because I am different
I laugh at you because you are all the same

Freedom1990

I agree. When my first husband (non-alcoholic) divorced me, he would talk trash about me with his friends while our daughter was visiting with him. She told me about it and it tore her up.

Sadly I was still actively using/drinking, and although she did see a child psychologist for quite some time, I sure wasn't there as a decent parent either.

HoopNinja

He just called me about an hour ago asking if he could take the boys up to his sister's cabin for the weekend (and I am thinking--are you insane?)

First-my weekend (followed by a whine--but I can't do it next weekend I have other things I have to do)

Second-great, then the kids can hear your family spew for an entire weekend

Third-he wanted to leave early Friday morning and older DS is in camp and this is the last week--Grand Finale Week--and the most exciting thing in the world--AND Friday is the most fun. I said no, not happening. Even if it was your week, your visitation starts Friday night and I am not taking older DS out of the most fun day of camp for the entire summer.

Then he started the rant--I should not even be out of my own house, I don't have any place to live (he hasn't been throwing any money my way so he must be spending it on something).

I am staying out of his stuff--but he cannot have overnight visitation until he has a place to live--and he has had 2 weeks. Besides--I have been busting my behind trying to get our house ready to sell and when I come home (because he gets the house from 9-5 everyday) he has done nothing but lay on the couch and watch DVDs (and I know because he leaves them scattered all over the floor).

laurie the kids are already seeing a therapist for their attachment disorder and PTSD so she has been working with them on this. It was hard for me to leave because I knew it would be very difficult on them--but the other option was that it would be worse to stay.

I will check and see if there is anything in the order about not denigrating the other spouse.

I would appreciate eveyones thoughts and prayers that the house sells fast. The sooner it is sold the faster all his incessant badgering will go away. He will have his share of the money and I will have a down payment so I can get the kids and I into a nice basic house in a calm environment. Right now the house is in chaos. Another blessing came my way today. One of my friends who helped me this weekend--her brother got laid off for 6 weeks and although he has stuff lined up for the last 5 weeks he has nothing lined up for this week and can come over and finish the rest of the painting. My sister is coming over on Wednesday to help me finish packing and move stuff into the POD.

Please, please, please house sell--I want my kids in a sane place again so they can start to heal.

laurie6781

Sounds like you are making some progress.

Yes, you have been in my prayers, you will stay in my prayers and I have added you and your children to the prayer circles I belong to.

I am glad the children are in counseling. You might want to mention to the counselor what happened this past weekend and the 'acting out' afterward. How this has stressed the children further.

As to:

Don't bet on it. He is an alcoholic. He will come up with something else to QUACK about, to try and suck you back in.

Stick to your boundaries. You are doing a great job. Of course, DS would want to spend his last day at camp, at camp. That is the best day of all!!!! when they have the most fun. As to him even taking them Friday night ......................... if it were me I would talk to their counselor, explain what happened last weekend and the aftermath and get the counselor's opinion. IF the counselor feels this is not good for the boys, then you have, I believe a legal right to deny him taking them for the weekend. IF counselor agrees with you, then run it by your attorney, this is Monday and he could probably get into court and get a 'temporary change' to the current 'visitation order'.

You are doing a GREAT job of pulling this all together!!! You are a GREAT mom!!!!!

As to 'long posts', lol I type them up on 'microsoft word' or 'notepad' and then copy and paste .................................. no 'time ran out that way' lol

Just remember, we are walking with you in spirit, we are holding your hand in spirit ................... almost as good as if we were there physically.

I am sad for what you are having to go through, but my heart is smiling at the depth of your recovery!

Love and hugs,

Still Waters

Prayers sent for you Wife2