It has been a while...
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It has been a while...
Hi everyone. 
It has been a while since I last posted, but I have lurked a little.
Well it’s August now and in a couple of weeks it will be 5 months since ‘that night’. Health wise I’m doing ok. I’ve been discharged from the Hospital: no more trekking every week for physio.. yaaay! My hand isn’t working like it did, but it is working. It hurts, but I’m ok with the pain. My scar is looking ok. In fact the medical team who looked after me are stunned with my progress and are very happy with me. Every day I count my blessings that that night I didn’t go out in a body bag and the pain reminds me.. I’m alive! I have a small scar on my cheek, but I’m told it’s cute.
Mentally/emotionally I’m doing ok too. Still going to meetings and I’ve had some counselling which has been another lifesaver. It really opened me up to what happened and while it is not nice exploring that dark time it’s been enlightening. I fell in love with an alcoholic. I fell in love with a man who has some serious issues. I stayed with a man who was never capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I jumped through hoops trying to love him and keep myself ‘safe’. I have some stuff of my own to work on. None of that makes me a bad person. None of what he said or did do I have to own. I have my own side of the street and as long as I am doing my best to keep it clean that’s good enough: I don’t have to own anyone’s garbage.
The court case is over. He pleaded guilty… to a ‘lesser’ charge. He got a 2 year community sentence which included some hours of unpaid work and mandatory attendance at a domestic violence course. I’m not sure how I feel about that.. there is a small part of me wonders if it will make any difference. Ultimately I’ve handed it over, so it’s not my problem.
I did something when it was over. I sent him an email. It simply said: ‘I have one question. Why?’. I sent it approximately a couple of weeks ago… there has been no response. Codie alert I hear you cry! No.. it really isn’t… because I’m actually not requiring an answer to get an answer.. if that makes any sense. In fact I would have been more surprised if I got an answer. I suppose it is difficult to understand.. but there is some logic, even if it is slightly warped.. lol.
The question ‘why?’ is the only question I have. Why, that night, did he walk to a glass and throw it at my head. I suspected, if I got an answer, I’d get the truth or a pack of lies.. (I think I’d be able to see through it if the answer was the latter).. but a response would be some measure of recognition that it happened.. to me.. not a court… to me.
I suspected that if there was no answer then my therapist was right: he had de-humanised me to such a level that I was worthless. When we were going over what happened and my therapist said that, it made me catch my breath. I didn’t want to believe that, even though all the evidence was there. I mean, who wants to accept that to the man they loved they were just a thing, a possession, ‘less than’. Boy that was tough.
So, no answer…. It may not be the answer I want, but then sometimes the one you don’t want is the one you need. It tells me that there is no remorse, it tells me there is no compassion, it tells me there is no sympathy or empathy, it tells me that he is right where he was that night, or worse, some steps back. It tells me that even though I’m the ‘victim’, I’m not the casualty. Some people may say how do you know that he may just be ashamed. He isn’t.. I know.
I met a guy. Well I say met, I knew him before this happened… we were friends. We kinda liked each other, I suppose in another life we both felt ‘who knows’, but we were both in relationships so nothing was ever going to happen. I loved my ex and he respected that: he got a girlfriend and I respected that too. Now, we’re both single. I told him what happened. He asked me how I feel. I know, shocker, someone who actually wants to hear how I feel! I’m human again.. lol.
Anyway I told him how I felt like, at the moment, I’m in a castle keep and the castle has a drawbridge. Some people can come into the castle and some people can’t. He didn’t press me, but just said, ‘where do the people who can’t come in go if they want to talk to you’. I said, ‘they have to stay on the drawbridge, or, they have to go away’. He asked me where he could sit. I told him he could stay on the drawbridge. He said that was fine and that he would get himself a living room set-up and anytime I wanted to come to the gates and see him, he would be there. I told him it sounded like he was there for the long haul. He said he was, but that he would remain on the drawbridge until I said it was ok for him to come closer. I told him he may never be able to come in and he said that didn’t matter, that he wasn’t going anywhere and that him being on the drawbridge wasn’t dependent on that. He likes me, I like him… who knows where it will go. He doesn’t have a problem with alcohol and he has no history of being abusive soooo. He kissed my scar. I admit to melting a little. I am being cautious though, so don’t worry, I’m not jumping out of any frying pans into fires... even though he is ridiculously good looking, emotionally intelligent and has the most amazingly buff arms.
So, that’s me.. chugging along.. not everything is a bed of roses but I’m getting the old me back with a super-duper upgrade.
It has been a while since I last posted, but I have lurked a little.
Well it’s August now and in a couple of weeks it will be 5 months since ‘that night’. Health wise I’m doing ok. I’ve been discharged from the Hospital: no more trekking every week for physio.. yaaay! My hand isn’t working like it did, but it is working. It hurts, but I’m ok with the pain. My scar is looking ok. In fact the medical team who looked after me are stunned with my progress and are very happy with me. Every day I count my blessings that that night I didn’t go out in a body bag and the pain reminds me.. I’m alive! I have a small scar on my cheek, but I’m told it’s cute.
Mentally/emotionally I’m doing ok too. Still going to meetings and I’ve had some counselling which has been another lifesaver. It really opened me up to what happened and while it is not nice exploring that dark time it’s been enlightening. I fell in love with an alcoholic. I fell in love with a man who has some serious issues. I stayed with a man who was never capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I jumped through hoops trying to love him and keep myself ‘safe’. I have some stuff of my own to work on. None of that makes me a bad person. None of what he said or did do I have to own. I have my own side of the street and as long as I am doing my best to keep it clean that’s good enough: I don’t have to own anyone’s garbage.
The court case is over. He pleaded guilty… to a ‘lesser’ charge. He got a 2 year community sentence which included some hours of unpaid work and mandatory attendance at a domestic violence course. I’m not sure how I feel about that.. there is a small part of me wonders if it will make any difference. Ultimately I’ve handed it over, so it’s not my problem.
I did something when it was over. I sent him an email. It simply said: ‘I have one question. Why?’. I sent it approximately a couple of weeks ago… there has been no response. Codie alert I hear you cry! No.. it really isn’t… because I’m actually not requiring an answer to get an answer.. if that makes any sense. In fact I would have been more surprised if I got an answer. I suppose it is difficult to understand.. but there is some logic, even if it is slightly warped.. lol.
The question ‘why?’ is the only question I have. Why, that night, did he walk to a glass and throw it at my head. I suspected, if I got an answer, I’d get the truth or a pack of lies.. (I think I’d be able to see through it if the answer was the latter).. but a response would be some measure of recognition that it happened.. to me.. not a court… to me.
I suspected that if there was no answer then my therapist was right: he had de-humanised me to such a level that I was worthless. When we were going over what happened and my therapist said that, it made me catch my breath. I didn’t want to believe that, even though all the evidence was there. I mean, who wants to accept that to the man they loved they were just a thing, a possession, ‘less than’. Boy that was tough.
So, no answer…. It may not be the answer I want, but then sometimes the one you don’t want is the one you need. It tells me that there is no remorse, it tells me there is no compassion, it tells me there is no sympathy or empathy, it tells me that he is right where he was that night, or worse, some steps back. It tells me that even though I’m the ‘victim’, I’m not the casualty. Some people may say how do you know that he may just be ashamed. He isn’t.. I know.
I met a guy. Well I say met, I knew him before this happened… we were friends. We kinda liked each other, I suppose in another life we both felt ‘who knows’, but we were both in relationships so nothing was ever going to happen. I loved my ex and he respected that: he got a girlfriend and I respected that too. Now, we’re both single. I told him what happened. He asked me how I feel. I know, shocker, someone who actually wants to hear how I feel! I’m human again.. lol.
Anyway I told him how I felt like, at the moment, I’m in a castle keep and the castle has a drawbridge. Some people can come into the castle and some people can’t. He didn’t press me, but just said, ‘where do the people who can’t come in go if they want to talk to you’. I said, ‘they have to stay on the drawbridge, or, they have to go away’. He asked me where he could sit. I told him he could stay on the drawbridge. He said that was fine and that he would get himself a living room set-up and anytime I wanted to come to the gates and see him, he would be there. I told him it sounded like he was there for the long haul. He said he was, but that he would remain on the drawbridge until I said it was ok for him to come closer. I told him he may never be able to come in and he said that didn’t matter, that he wasn’t going anywhere and that him being on the drawbridge wasn’t dependent on that. He likes me, I like him… who knows where it will go. He doesn’t have a problem with alcohol and he has no history of being abusive soooo. He kissed my scar. I admit to melting a little. I am being cautious though, so don’t worry, I’m not jumping out of any frying pans into fires... even though he is ridiculously good looking, emotionally intelligent and has the most amazingly buff arms.
So, that’s me.. chugging along.. not everything is a bed of roses but I’m getting the old me back with a super-duper upgrade.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 08-01-2009 at 08:46 AM. Reason: fiexed broken smiley
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 43
Thank you, Tallulah. It is wonderful to hear how far you've come. The part about dehumanizing and the answers we want vs. the answers we need both really struck a chord in me.
Enjoy the road ahead... with or without Mr. Buff Arms!
Best,
at2
Enjoy the road ahead... with or without Mr. Buff Arms!
Best,
at2
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Simply beautiful!
You are a beautiful woman. Inside and out. Thank you for sharing your progress with us.
I am deeply moved. I have tears in my coffee!
Love and hugs to you!
You are a beautiful woman. Inside and out. Thank you for sharing your progress with us.
I am deeply moved. I have tears in my coffee!
Love and hugs to you!
Last edited by DesertEyes; 08-01-2009 at 08:46 AM. Reason: fiexed broken smiley
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Originally Posted by alwaysthinking2
Thank you, Tallulah. It is wonderful to hear how far you've come. The part about dehumanizing and the answers we want vs. the answers we need both really struck a chord in me.
Enjoy the road ahead... with or without Mr. Buff Arms!
Best,
at2
Enjoy the road ahead... with or without Mr. Buff Arms!
Best,
at2
Thank you :ghug:
I didn't realise quite how far until I wrote the post. It's not that long ago and yet seems like an age. I talked about it at a meeting where there was a newcomer and she thought I was talking about something that happened years ago. I'm taking that as a good sign
It hurts like hell to be guided down a road that leads to the conclusion that you were de-humanised. But just because someone dehumanises you, it does not mean you are. Don't ever forget that.
That HP huh.. may not give you what you want, but always seems to give you what you need.
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Posts: 927
Originally Posted by hydrogirl
Hey T! I'm glad you are healing and feeling better. What a beautiful post...thank you for sharing.
HG
HG
thank you
and I hope you're doing well too.. Last edited by DesertEyes; 08-01-2009 at 08:47 AM. Reason: fiexed broken smiley
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there, and so glad to have you back
Your recovery is awesome, thank you so much for sharing it with us. You bring a wonderful message of hope.
yeah it got changed during the last upgrade. Instead of putting "ghug" between the full colons use "grouphug".
Mike
Your recovery is awesome, thank you so much for sharing it with us. You bring a wonderful message of hope.
Originally Posted by tallulah
Oh lordy.. I've been away too long.. I haven't lost my mind.. I thought :ghug: did the group hug smiley..
Mike
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Tallulah, I love the castle and draw bridge analogy!
Glad to see you know you are a Princess, a child of a King.( I never doubted it:-) Protected, but being patient for all that he has for you.... when its time.
And what a wise princess, not a spoiled one. :-) Mr. Buff, may just be a servant of healing sent by the King, sent for a time or maybe not. Who knows, we will have to wait and see... The End.
love tammy :-)
Glad to see you know you are a Princess, a child of a King.( I never doubted it:-) Protected, but being patient for all that he has for you.... when its time.
And what a wise princess, not a spoiled one. :-) Mr. Buff, may just be a servant of healing sent by the King, sent for a time or maybe not. Who knows, we will have to wait and see... The End.
love tammy :-)
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
tallulah
Thank you so much for the update.
I love the drawbridge analogy. I too have done that for years. Had a friend that waited forever, but became the bestest of friends. He was a dear. We would go for walks, to dinner, I could run to him and vent and cry and scream, and he would hold and hug me, truly the best friend a person could have, and my dogs loved him too. He was patient and understanding (yes there are folks like that, honest). Sadly, his health got worse last year and he passed, but I know he is watching over me.
I still use the 'drawbridge' to this day, just didn't know to call it that, lol
Good to hear from you, your recovery is shining!!!!
Love and hugs,
Thank you so much for the update.
I love the drawbridge analogy. I too have done that for years. Had a friend that waited forever, but became the bestest of friends. He was a dear. We would go for walks, to dinner, I could run to him and vent and cry and scream, and he would hold and hug me, truly the best friend a person could have, and my dogs loved him too. He was patient and understanding (yes there are folks like that, honest). Sadly, his health got worse last year and he passed, but I know he is watching over me.
I still use the 'drawbridge' to this day, just didn't know to call it that, lol
Good to hear from you, your recovery is shining!!!!
Love and hugs,
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
why? because HE is a diseased aggressive man. And you were the closest target.
I loved it you no longer carry what he did and are owning your side only. whew what a relief!
tallulah :ghug2
great to hear you are building a new life!
you sound much stronger than before
keep taking care of yourself.
Former Dreamer999.
I loved it you no longer carry what he did and are owning your side only. whew what a relief!
tallulah :ghug2
great to hear you are building a new life!
you sound much stronger than before
keep taking care of yourself.Former Dreamer999.
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Posts: 927
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
It's so good to hear from you, dear!
I've been using that drawbridge wisely for 10 years now that you describe so well!
I'm glad things are going well for you, and I hope you post more often. :ghug2
I've been using that drawbridge wisely for 10 years now that you describe so well!
I'm glad things are going well for you, and I hope you post more often. :ghug2
The drawbridge is a good test for any relationship I have right now.. anyone who just wants to storm the castle probably isn't someone I should have in my life. Boundaries...
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Hello there, and so glad to have you back
Your recovery is awesome, thank you so much for sharing it with us. You bring a wonderful message of hope.
yeah it got changed during the last upgrade. Instead of putting "ghug" between the full colons use "grouphug".
Mike
Your recovery is awesome, thank you so much for sharing it with us. You bring a wonderful message of hope.
yeah it got changed during the last upgrade. Instead of putting "ghug" between the full colons use "grouphug".
Mike
I'm ok. Being able to say that and mean it is a big big step.
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Originally Posted by MeHandle
Tallulah, I love the castle and draw bridge analogy!
Glad to see you know you are a Princess, a child of a King.( I never doubted it:-) Protected, but being patient for all that he has for you.... when its time.
And what a wise princess, not a spoiled one. :-) Mr. Buff, may just be a servant of healing sent by the King, sent for a time or maybe not. Who knows, we will have to wait and see... The End.
love tammy :-)
Glad to see you know you are a Princess, a child of a King.( I never doubted it:-) Protected, but being patient for all that he has for you.... when its time.
And what a wise princess, not a spoiled one. :-) Mr. Buff, may just be a servant of healing sent by the King, sent for a time or maybe not. Who knows, we will have to wait and see... The End.
love tammy :-)
'Mr. Buff' (oh he'd laugh if he saw himself being described as that) is reminding me that the ex(R?)ABF is not what men are.. which is I suppose what I need right now. People come into your life for a reason, a seaon, or forever.. I don't know whether he is the latter two but he certainly seems to be there for the former. The ex made me feel worthless, ugly and small: he makes me feel equal, unique and valuable. Not just him either.. I have some good people around me that are not afraid to give me postive affirmations whenever some of that implanted negative stuff creeps in.
Not least my Al-Anon group. I have to thank the A, because without him I would never have met them.
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Originally Posted by laurie6781
tallulah
Thank you so much for the update.
I love the drawbridge analogy. I too have done that for years. Had a friend that waited forever, but became the bestest of friends. He was a dear. We would go for walks, to dinner, I could run to him and vent and cry and scream, and he would hold and hug me, truly the best friend a person could have, and my dogs loved him too. He was patient and understanding (yes there are folks like that, honest). Sadly, his health got worse last year and he passed, but I know he is watching over me.
I still use the 'drawbridge' to this day, just didn't know to call it that, lol
Good to hear from you, your recovery is shining!!!!
Love and hugs,
Thank you so much for the update.
I love the drawbridge analogy. I too have done that for years. Had a friend that waited forever, but became the bestest of friends. He was a dear. We would go for walks, to dinner, I could run to him and vent and cry and scream, and he would hold and hug me, truly the best friend a person could have, and my dogs loved him too. He was patient and understanding (yes there are folks like that, honest). Sadly, his health got worse last year and he passed, but I know he is watching over me.
I still use the 'drawbridge' to this day, just didn't know to call it that, lol
Good to hear from you, your recovery is shining!!!!
Love and hugs,
I'm so sorry for your loss. :ghug2 My faith in people took a big knock. But it was soon restored again because there was fate/HP/life/the universe putting good people right in my path again. I'd kinda forgotten that there are people like that out there. During my time with the ex, although I didn't realise it, I had nobody on my side. Well, that's what I thought, but that was all part of the isolation you get into. It feels good to have what you have described and it be for nothing more than somebody cares about you. It's also good to give that care and unconditional love back and it be recognised and cherished.
Love and hugs right back atcha.. x
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
why? because HE is a diseased aggressive man. And you were the closest target.
I loved it you no longer carry what he did and are owning your side only. whew what a relief!
tallulah :ghug2
great to hear you are building a new life!
you sound much stronger than before keep taking care of yourself.
Former Dreamer999.
I loved it you no longer carry what he did and are owning your side only. whew what a relief!
tallulah :ghug2
great to hear you are building a new life!
you sound much stronger than before
keep taking care of yourself.Former Dreamer999.
I suppose the Why? was a rhetorical question. Maybe I was just wondering if the answer was different. My expectations of him are low (you learn to have low expectations living with someone like the ex.. lol) but whether he matches them or exceeds them no longer has a bearing on who I am. I don't need his remorse or apologies.. and therein lies the difference. I forgave him already.. I don't bear any ill will or grudges... I've made my peace. I don't think that is the same for him and I feel sorry for him about that. What is it we say... what someone thinks of me is none of my business.
I'm not going to pretend it isn't a struggle.. but hard work never killed me and I have so much to look forward to.
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Originally Posted by DirtMagnet
What a beautiful story of healing and realization. It brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. I am so glad to see you back.
I've just been reading the thread back and I have been in floods. Good tears though not bad ones... lol
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