could use some advice
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
could use some advice
Hello,
Long time lurker here on the forum. I know that some of you have been in the same position that I am in right now. A little background: I started dating my SO (significant other) around five years ago. He has progressively shown all the signs that point to him being an alcoholic..a DWI, hiding empty bottles, and he disguises his wine within various sodas etc. He has told me numerous times that he is going to stop. He attended AA but said that it did not work out for him.
I made a chart listing the good and bad things in our relationship. Nine out of the ten negatives dealt with his alcohol consumption. There are many positives in the plus side column. We have a deep seated love for one another and I care about him deeply...that is when he is NOT drinking. I confronted him once again after finding an empty wine bottle behind his truck seat and told him that I felt it best that he leave. I am tired of the cycle of me going from being bitter and angry to happy again then bitter and angry when he starts drinking.
He will readily admit that he has a problem and has once again said he will do something about it. Past history has told me that the same old cycle will start again...he makes the attempt, I am happy, then he falls off the wagon in a month. He acts like he is serious this time.
I really don't know if I should give him another opportunity. How does one go about proving themself that they are truly trying? Would couples counseling help? He told me that he wants to be sober and is willing to do anything to save the relationship. I know it is ultimately my decision to kick him out and his decision to make the choice to take steps in being sober and not drinking. Anyone have any constructive advice? Thank you in advance.
Long time lurker here on the forum. I know that some of you have been in the same position that I am in right now. A little background: I started dating my SO (significant other) around five years ago. He has progressively shown all the signs that point to him being an alcoholic..a DWI, hiding empty bottles, and he disguises his wine within various sodas etc. He has told me numerous times that he is going to stop. He attended AA but said that it did not work out for him.
I made a chart listing the good and bad things in our relationship. Nine out of the ten negatives dealt with his alcohol consumption. There are many positives in the plus side column. We have a deep seated love for one another and I care about him deeply...that is when he is NOT drinking. I confronted him once again after finding an empty wine bottle behind his truck seat and told him that I felt it best that he leave. I am tired of the cycle of me going from being bitter and angry to happy again then bitter and angry when he starts drinking.
He will readily admit that he has a problem and has once again said he will do something about it. Past history has told me that the same old cycle will start again...he makes the attempt, I am happy, then he falls off the wagon in a month. He acts like he is serious this time.
I really don't know if I should give him another opportunity. How does one go about proving themself that they are truly trying? Would couples counseling help? He told me that he wants to be sober and is willing to do anything to save the relationship. I know it is ultimately my decision to kick him out and his decision to make the choice to take steps in being sober and not drinking. Anyone have any constructive advice? Thank you in advance.
Last edited by Lahita; 07-31-2009 at 02:57 PM. Reason: spelling error
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In my experience, counseling wasn't very helpful because we didn't acknowledge that great big elephant in the room. Our counseling broke down because each of us had the motive of using the counseling to change the other person.
I ultimately had to come to my own realization that he was going to do what he was going to do .... and I had to decide what I could live with and what I couldn't live with.
I learned about setting and maintaining boundaries, and eventually I started to like myself a lot more and like him a lot less. I decided that I wanted to be the best person I could be - happy, healthy and whole - regardless of what he did.
Good luck. We're here for you as you go along on your journey.
I ultimately had to come to my own realization that he was going to do what he was going to do .... and I had to decide what I could live with and what I couldn't live with.
I learned about setting and maintaining boundaries, and eventually I started to like myself a lot more and like him a lot less. I decided that I wanted to be the best person I could be - happy, healthy and whole - regardless of what he did.
Good luck. We're here for you as you go along on your journey.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
I'm pretty new to this myself, so I might not be much help. But I know how it feels to go from bitter/ angry to happy to bitter/angry, etc. My AH has told me numerous times that he knows he has a problem, that he knows he needs to stop... he has attempted to quit on his own several times, but never made it longer than a few days.
I think you will know when you are ready to leave him. If you are ready, then leave... if not, then set some boundaries and get help for yourself. I'm not ready to leave my AH, but I've finally gotten to the point where I'm ready to work on myself. My AH and I had a huge fight not too long ago. I calmly told him a day after that I need him to get treatment and made clear in what ways our relationship would change, if he would not go to treatment/ get sober (simply because I was so exhausted from going through the angry/happy cycle over and over again). I gave him a week, dragged him to a treatment center to get info, researched other treatment centers that would be more affordable, got him a schedule of AA meetings, etc. (Did everything he should have done himself!!!). He quit drinking for about 5 days and then told me he had a beer after work. We had another talk... I told him that I was scared he would start drinking again (because it's never just one drink... there is always a binge that follows) and made it clear again that I would be taking a step back when that would happen. He has been binge drinking the past few days and I have been working on detaching/ letting go. I'm feeling better and I know that he needs to make the first step as far as treatment goes. I'm still hoping he will, but I also know I can't make him!
I think it would be best for you to take a step back and let him prove himself. If he truly is trying to quit and 100% commited to saving your relationship, he will seek counseling/ treatment (on his own). I'm not sure if couples counseling would help, unless the idea comes from him (I have been thinking about couples counseling myself, but feel like if I'm the one dragging him there, it's not gonna do anything for our relationship - if someone is not 100% committed to counseling, counseling is not gonna help). What are your boundaries? What are you going to do if the past keeps repeating itself and he starts drinking again - are you ready to leave, are you going to detach, how will you work on yourself to stop your angry/happy/angry cycle?
I think you will know when you are ready to leave him. If you are ready, then leave... if not, then set some boundaries and get help for yourself. I'm not ready to leave my AH, but I've finally gotten to the point where I'm ready to work on myself. My AH and I had a huge fight not too long ago. I calmly told him a day after that I need him to get treatment and made clear in what ways our relationship would change, if he would not go to treatment/ get sober (simply because I was so exhausted from going through the angry/happy cycle over and over again). I gave him a week, dragged him to a treatment center to get info, researched other treatment centers that would be more affordable, got him a schedule of AA meetings, etc. (Did everything he should have done himself!!!). He quit drinking for about 5 days and then told me he had a beer after work. We had another talk... I told him that I was scared he would start drinking again (because it's never just one drink... there is always a binge that follows) and made it clear again that I would be taking a step back when that would happen. He has been binge drinking the past few days and I have been working on detaching/ letting go. I'm feeling better and I know that he needs to make the first step as far as treatment goes. I'm still hoping he will, but I also know I can't make him!
I think it would be best for you to take a step back and let him prove himself. If he truly is trying to quit and 100% commited to saving your relationship, he will seek counseling/ treatment (on his own). I'm not sure if couples counseling would help, unless the idea comes from him (I have been thinking about couples counseling myself, but feel like if I'm the one dragging him there, it's not gonna do anything for our relationship - if someone is not 100% committed to counseling, counseling is not gonna help). What are your boundaries? What are you going to do if the past keeps repeating itself and he starts drinking again - are you ready to leave, are you going to detach, how will you work on yourself to stop your angry/happy/angry cycle?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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I appreciate everyone's advice. Just knowing someone else has been in the same boat is helpful. I gravitate from driving right now the the U-Haul and buying a bunch of boxes and packing his stuff up to waiting again to see if he takes action. Everyone thinks we are the greatest match for one another but they don't know the ugly truth.
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What is your motive for staying?
What do you want for your life? This is no rehearsal, you have one life, how do you want to live it? You have 5 years experience with this present life- is this what you want?
You have every right to enjoy your life, to reach out towards a life you would love living, it doesn't mean you don't love him - it just means you love yourself enough to be good to yourself. Isn't this afterall what we all wish the addict would do...love and care about themselves enough to stop causing themselves harm.
Sometimes we just have to do what we know and been wishing others around us would do. Sometimes we reach a point where -we really do matter- and we are clear enough about that- to change.
Much love and light!
~cheryl
What do you want for your life? This is no rehearsal, you have one life, how do you want to live it? You have 5 years experience with this present life- is this what you want?
You have every right to enjoy your life, to reach out towards a life you would love living, it doesn't mean you don't love him - it just means you love yourself enough to be good to yourself. Isn't this afterall what we all wish the addict would do...love and care about themselves enough to stop causing themselves harm.
Sometimes we just have to do what we know and been wishing others around us would do. Sometimes we reach a point where -we really do matter- and we are clear enough about that- to change.
Much love and light!
~cheryl
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Ha ha! That made me laugh. A few years back, I threw all of his stuff out on the driveway. Didn't put it in boxes or anything but throwing things was a therapeautic. Nope, I don't plan on packing his stuff but I do want the things that remind me of him not in view. Thanks for the reminder. I have read and re-read all of the stickies on enabling. Maybe the ninth time is the charm.
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I love what Dr. Phil says. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."
In my opinion, life is much too precious and short to be wasted on 2nd, 3rd, 9th, etc, chances.
I'm going to be in the midst of a large crowd of young people in May of 2010 to receive my college degree along with all of them, and I will be 52 by then.
That never would have happened had I continued to sell myself short waiting for 'him' to change.
Today I am worth so much more.
In my opinion, life is much too precious and short to be wasted on 2nd, 3rd, 9th, etc, chances.
I'm going to be in the midst of a large crowd of young people in May of 2010 to receive my college degree along with all of them, and I will be 52 by then.
That never would have happened had I continued to sell myself short waiting for 'him' to change.
Today I am worth so much more.
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When you are on the 9th time of "the cycle", you know you are stuck on the Hamster Wheel of Enabling. Anything less than 90 Days Sober is called = "taking a short break from Alcoholic bad conequences so I can regroup and continue my Drinking career". A shorter term for that dangerous condition is called "Dry Drunk".
Someone who is currently not drinking for a period, but very unhappy and resentful about it and they are planning (concious or unconciously) to begin Drinking again in the future at some point. If he is not done drinking, you will always only be considered a distant second compared to Alcohol and that fact will get worse and accelerate as time goes on.
Someone who is currently not drinking for a period, but very unhappy and resentful about it and they are planning (concious or unconciously) to begin Drinking again in the future at some point. If he is not done drinking, you will always only be considered a distant second compared to Alcohol and that fact will get worse and accelerate as time goes on.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Originally Posted by Rad44 
When you are on the 9th time of "the cycle", you know you are stuck on the Hamster Wheel of Enabling. Anything less than 90 Days Sober is called = "taking a short break from Alcoholic bad conequences so I can regroup and continue my Drinking career". A shorter term for that dangerous condition is called "Dry Drunk".
Someone who is currently not drinking for a period, but very unhappy and resentful about it and they are planning (concious or unconciously) to begin Drinking again in the future at some point. If he is not done drinking, you will always only be considered a distant second compared to Alcohol and that fact will get worse and accelerate as time goes on.
Someone who is currently not drinking for a period, but very unhappy and resentful about it and they are planning (concious or unconciously) to begin Drinking again in the future at some point. If he is not done drinking, you will always only be considered a distant second compared to Alcohol and that fact will get worse and accelerate as time goes on.
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Well I did it, or at least partially. I asked him to start moving his things out today. He went out for a while to get boxes and when he came back he had a 24 hour sober coin to give me from an AA meeting he had attended this afternoon. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say or what his motives were. I just told him that was good and glad he had taken a step towards sobriety. He had also purchased boxes and started to pack. I left the house because I didn't want to be around. I didn't want to hear poor arguments on why I was asking him to do this and was not in the mood to play any mind games. He said he wasn't going to move the furniture because he knew that he would clean up his act in six months and things would be better for us. Do I believe this? I have heard similar promises before so much that I quit listening. Yep, actions speak louder than words.
As fearless as I sound, I still have strong feelings for the guy and want him to find peace. I showed no emotion on the outside and was in business mode but inside I was really torn. Should I have no contact with him during this period? What do you think? I believe he will be moving some more things out tomorrow. I told him that we would reasess the situation in six months which would be the end of January.
As fearless as I sound, I still have strong feelings for the guy and want him to find peace. I showed no emotion on the outside and was in business mode but inside I was really torn. Should I have no contact with him during this period? What do you think? I believe he will be moving some more things out tomorrow. I told him that we would reasess the situation in six months which would be the end of January.
Last edited by Lahita; 08-01-2009 at 07:24 PM. Reason: grammatical error
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we would reassess the situation in six months which would be the end of January.
Great! If he can make it through football season, holidays and New Years sober; he may be serious about recovering from alcoholic addiction!
Counseling or Al Anon may help you during this same time period. Take care of you!
Great! If he can make it through football season, holidays and New Years sober; he may be serious about recovering from alcoholic addiction!
Counseling or Al Anon may help you during this same time period. Take care of you!
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:ghug3 I know that must have been hard. I hope you are (or will be soon) feeling some peace.
I think you should ask yourself if you want to continue contact or not. Give yourself sometime to sort through those feelings, then decide. You may decide you want contact, but you may need to set up some boundaries with it
Have you tried al-anon? I found it a great help to me. I also found the books "Marriage on the Rocks", "Getting Them Sober", and "The Language of Letting go" very useful
Glad your here! keep posting!
I think you should ask yourself if you want to continue contact or not. Give yourself sometime to sort through those feelings, then decide. You may decide you want contact, but you may need to set up some boundaries with it
Have you tried al-anon? I found it a great help to me. I also found the books "Marriage on the Rocks", "Getting Them Sober", and "The Language of Letting go" very useful
Glad your here! keep posting!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Rad44
You're telling me. I relapsed after Two Years Sober.
A dry drunk exhibits all the mental and emotional inconsistencies of a drinking alcoholic minus the alcohol.
I know that most dry drunks do relapse, but I think many recovering alcoholics relapse and are not dry drunks.
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