Falling Off The Wagon
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Falling Off The Wagon
Well my agf hasnt drank for six days. She just sent me a text saying the withdrwawal is too bad and she needs a drink. I told her to hang in there because shes doing so good. She sent me a text back saying "Im not why do you think ive been such a bitch? I quit cold turkey. I need something" I have not responded... What is the correct action to take?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What are your boundaries?
Is it okay for her to drink?
If it's not, then this is a good time to reinforce what will happen if she gives in to her cravings. Clearly, and specifically, in good detail. SHE is the one refusing to get help, insisting she can do it on her own. SHE is the one setting herself up for failure. You are not in control of her choices.....and she's choosing to drink again.
So...is this okay with you? What will happen when she does this?
Is it okay for her to drink?
If it's not, then this is a good time to reinforce what will happen if she gives in to her cravings. Clearly, and specifically, in good detail. SHE is the one refusing to get help, insisting she can do it on her own. SHE is the one setting herself up for failure. You are not in control of her choices.....and she's choosing to drink again.
So...is this okay with you? What will happen when she does this?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Please understand there is no right answer from you at this point.
If she is going to drink, she is going to drink with or without your support.
If you hold her hand through the withdrawals, she may acuse you of smothering and justify a drink. If you stand back, she may acuse you of not being there when she needed you and justify a drink.
She may need medical help for the withdrawals. Has she seen her doctor? Does she attend AA? Someone in AA would be better equipped to hold her hand through the withdrawals.
Your best response now would be to let her know that you care and are sending positive thoughts/prayers her way. The rest is up to her.
If she is going to drink, she is going to drink with or without your support.
If you hold her hand through the withdrawals, she may acuse you of smothering and justify a drink. If you stand back, she may acuse you of not being there when she needed you and justify a drink.
She may need medical help for the withdrawals. Has she seen her doctor? Does she attend AA? Someone in AA would be better equipped to hold her hand through the withdrawals.
Your best response now would be to let her know that you care and are sending positive thoughts/prayers her way. The rest is up to her.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
Sometimes prayer works for me.
We believe no human power could of saved us.
Perhaps there is nothing that needs to be said or done... sometimes space and time for her to work it out, for her to say whatever she needs to say, just so she can hear it...
Her ego is having a temper tantrum with her head! Sometimes simply ignoring the outburst is much more productive than jumping into it and becoming a part of the problem. Just my thoughts...
Love and light! Cheryl
We believe no human power could of saved us.
Perhaps there is nothing that needs to be said or done... sometimes space and time for her to work it out, for her to say whatever she needs to say, just so she can hear it...
Her ego is having a temper tantrum with her head! Sometimes simply ignoring the outburst is much more productive than jumping into it and becoming a part of the problem. Just my thoughts...
Love and light! Cheryl
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
And you think an alcoholic can have "just one drink" ? Then she can get sober again and everything will be okay?
Only you can decide what you want for your own life, 5F. She's going to do whatever she's going to do...no matter what you say. You are only in control of you.
Only you can decide what you want for your own life, 5F. She's going to do whatever she's going to do...no matter what you say. You are only in control of you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I agree with GiveLove.
Your life. Your boundaries. Good on you for exiting your front row seat in her drama.
If you are not willing to be with her during another binge, state that clearly.
However, I caution you that alcoholism is progressive. If you okay a drink or two, you are creating a situation where she will lie and deceive you to hind her drinking when it escalates.
Your life. Your boundaries. Good on you for exiting your front row seat in her drama.
If you are not willing to be with her during another binge, state that clearly.
However, I caution you that alcoholism is progressive. If you okay a drink or two, you are creating a situation where she will lie and deceive you to hind her drinking when it escalates.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I never drank more alcohol to quit drinking. That makes as much sense as eating a donut to help with my healthy diet.
If she is worried about withdrawals, doctors are pretty adept at this stuff and can help her.
After 6 days the worst PHYSICAL withdrawal is pretty much over..
Another drink will only open the gates again. I've done it hundreds of times.
Stick to your original boundries! Quit drinking, get help. She hasn't gone to get help, where's the boundary reinforcement here?? Now she wants to drink, dissolving the entire thing.
She will drink if she wants to, if she hasn't already. Your only deal is what YOU are ok with. Now if you're ok with her drinking, well. that's on you.. but if you're not, then don't be.
If she is worried about withdrawals, doctors are pretty adept at this stuff and can help her.
After 6 days the worst PHYSICAL withdrawal is pretty much over..
Another drink will only open the gates again. I've done it hundreds of times.
Stick to your original boundries! Quit drinking, get help. She hasn't gone to get help, where's the boundary reinforcement here?? Now she wants to drink, dissolving the entire thing.
She will drink if she wants to, if she hasn't already. Your only deal is what YOU are ok with. Now if you're ok with her drinking, well. that's on you.. but if you're not, then don't be.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
5Fingaz - This hits home with me.
After ABF's last binge where I know I reverted to my old codie behaviour, I vowed things would be different from my perspective when (not if) a binge happened. After the last one was over, I sat down and had a good long talk with myself, saying that I would never, ever, ever go through another few days like what happened. I made my mind up as to what would be acceptable and unacceptable and what it boiled down to was that I could not, would not go through another binge. He was on his own to work through it and next time, let the chips fall where they may
As much as I love him, I can't stop his drinking. I know he is sick, I know alcoholism is a progressive disease and yes, I do hate what it does to him, how it changes him but this time, I have let go of that anger and let my Higher Power guide me to whatever the outcome will be. I drill that into my head daily. My dog knows the Serenity Prayer as I recite it to myself as I walk him.
After that talk with him after the last binge, I told ABF what I told myself. As usual, there were the apologies and recriminations and guilt, but my mind was made up.Life went on - I kept up with Al-Anon, SR and my daily readings in spite of his assertions that I did not need Al-Anon.
Last time around, there was lots of quacking about getting help, going to AA, about trying some meds that lessened alcohol cravings. Those pills cost 50 bucks or so and when he balked at that, both his doctor and I asked him how much he spent on booze during this binge. Dead silence of course.
That was 2 months ago and yesterday, he came home from shopping and the first words out of his mouth were "I know you won't be happy about this but it was so hot out I had to have a couple...." as he preceded to take out two 8 packs of beer. One 8 pack is gone, the other is in the fridge and he is not home from work (works a very early shift). After that statement, I went on my usual way, putting groceries away and taking the dog for a walk. After dinner, I could see the intoxication setting in and kept conversation to inane topics such as the hot weather, the dog, etc. He went to bed, got up for work and is not home yet. I've been on my morning routine and feel surprisingly calm. No questioning myself about why this binge happened, just knowing that it has and to be prepared for it.
5Fingaz, if you can't go through the hell of another binge, or a drink or two, if that makes you uncomfortable, state that to your GF. One or two drinks don't end there, it goes on and on and on.
My ABF told me that he only had three beers before he got home, but cracked 3 more in the space it took me to walk the dog, which is about 1/2 hour. I know what is coming and I am prepared to enforce my boundaries. Does not mean I don't love him, but this time around, I'm doing what's best for me, not him.
I think GiveLove said it best: "Only you can decide what you want for your own life, 5F. She's going to do whatever she's going to do...no matter what you say. You are only in control of you."
Hugs coming your way for what you're going through.....
After ABF's last binge where I know I reverted to my old codie behaviour, I vowed things would be different from my perspective when (not if) a binge happened. After the last one was over, I sat down and had a good long talk with myself, saying that I would never, ever, ever go through another few days like what happened. I made my mind up as to what would be acceptable and unacceptable and what it boiled down to was that I could not, would not go through another binge. He was on his own to work through it and next time, let the chips fall where they may
As much as I love him, I can't stop his drinking. I know he is sick, I know alcoholism is a progressive disease and yes, I do hate what it does to him, how it changes him but this time, I have let go of that anger and let my Higher Power guide me to whatever the outcome will be. I drill that into my head daily. My dog knows the Serenity Prayer as I recite it to myself as I walk him.
After that talk with him after the last binge, I told ABF what I told myself. As usual, there were the apologies and recriminations and guilt, but my mind was made up.Life went on - I kept up with Al-Anon, SR and my daily readings in spite of his assertions that I did not need Al-Anon.
Last time around, there was lots of quacking about getting help, going to AA, about trying some meds that lessened alcohol cravings. Those pills cost 50 bucks or so and when he balked at that, both his doctor and I asked him how much he spent on booze during this binge. Dead silence of course.
That was 2 months ago and yesterday, he came home from shopping and the first words out of his mouth were "I know you won't be happy about this but it was so hot out I had to have a couple...." as he preceded to take out two 8 packs of beer. One 8 pack is gone, the other is in the fridge and he is not home from work (works a very early shift). After that statement, I went on my usual way, putting groceries away and taking the dog for a walk. After dinner, I could see the intoxication setting in and kept conversation to inane topics such as the hot weather, the dog, etc. He went to bed, got up for work and is not home yet. I've been on my morning routine and feel surprisingly calm. No questioning myself about why this binge happened, just knowing that it has and to be prepared for it.
5Fingaz, if you can't go through the hell of another binge, or a drink or two, if that makes you uncomfortable, state that to your GF. One or two drinks don't end there, it goes on and on and on.
My ABF told me that he only had three beers before he got home, but cracked 3 more in the space it took me to walk the dog, which is about 1/2 hour. I know what is coming and I am prepared to enforce my boundaries. Does not mean I don't love him, but this time around, I'm doing what's best for me, not him.
I think GiveLove said it best: "Only you can decide what you want for your own life, 5F. She's going to do whatever she's going to do...no matter what you say. You are only in control of you."
Hugs coming your way for what you're going through.....
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sometimes I wonder how I became a slave. Why did I ever expect an ALCOHOLIC to STOP DRINKING?
Once I assumed the alcoholic in my life was going to drink NO MATTER WHAT, that if he ever stopped was going to be for a few days then binge and here we go again; once I KNEW the monster I was trying to pat on the head.. MY LIFE became easier... I stopped making alcohol my master and my God... I stopped trying to figure out why he drank, why on Earth he preferred losing me than cutting back...
Its alcohol playing with its puppets, the alcoholics. And us watching the play. We can leave the show anytime.
I mean, if she was my friend, I would be OK for her to feel really bad, crave, whatever I mean... as long as she RESPECTS ME! I do not think her message was very respectful.
I would answer "I'll let you deal with your feelings, know you can get help from specialists. When you are ready to treat me decently we can go grab coffee" then on with your life... (of course that is now... I guess I have learned something...)
One thing is to support an addicted person (just as we support each other in AA/ al anon, regardless of relapses, with compassion and respect) the other is to be a punching bag for a ranting girl in withdrawal. I mean, I hope she really does get sober in the end, but meanwhile while ride a rollercoaster with her?
Time for some boundaries, young man!
Once I assumed the alcoholic in my life was going to drink NO MATTER WHAT, that if he ever stopped was going to be for a few days then binge and here we go again; once I KNEW the monster I was trying to pat on the head.. MY LIFE became easier... I stopped making alcohol my master and my God... I stopped trying to figure out why he drank, why on Earth he preferred losing me than cutting back...
Its alcohol playing with its puppets, the alcoholics. And us watching the play. We can leave the show anytime.
I mean, if she was my friend, I would be OK for her to feel really bad, crave, whatever I mean... as long as she RESPECTS ME! I do not think her message was very respectful.
I would answer "I'll let you deal with your feelings, know you can get help from specialists. When you are ready to treat me decently we can go grab coffee" then on with your life... (of course that is now... I guess I have learned something...)
One thing is to support an addicted person (just as we support each other in AA/ al anon, regardless of relapses, with compassion and respect) the other is to be a punching bag for a ranting girl in withdrawal. I mean, I hope she really does get sober in the end, but meanwhile while ride a rollercoaster with her?
Time for some boundaries, young man!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 19
The last few days I have followed your advice from previous posts. I seperated myself from her, I still get the snide disrespectful comments. But I just ignore them and do my own thing. I focus on me.
Well I responded (text) and suggested she go to a meeting tonight. I reminded her she promised that she would get help. She basically made nothing but excuses, accused me of telling her what to do and lecturing her. She told me I wasnt helping. Its all manipulation I know and in the end I let the conversation go. She never agreed to go tonight.
Well I responded (text) and suggested she go to a meeting tonight. I reminded her she promised that she would get help. She basically made nothing but excuses, accused me of telling her what to do and lecturing her. She told me I wasnt helping. Its all manipulation I know and in the end I let the conversation go. She never agreed to go tonight.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sorry to hear that 5Fingaz. She will be ready at her own time... its for sure a bumpy road....
They have to go through so much pain they want nothing but recovery. Otherwise they may flirt with sobriety, but go back again... its not a bottom until it IS a bottom.
What are your plans now? can you do something YOU enjoy?
They have to go through so much pain they want nothing but recovery. Otherwise they may flirt with sobriety, but go back again... its not a bottom until it IS a bottom.
What are your plans now? can you do something YOU enjoy?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
They have to go through so much pain they want nothing but recovery. Otherwise they may flirt with sobriety, but go back again... its not a bottom until it IS a bottom.
He has done his fair share of flirting with sobriety - been through rehab twice (the latest was in February), AA sporadically and shuns any aftercare.
He arrived home at noon and cracked the 1st beer an hour later. And then there were 2 left in the fridge. I have been as serene as I can possibly be and actually feel pretty good at this moment. It has made a difference for me-no headaches, backaches, upset stomach and the like.Heck, I'm not even chain smoking (a sore point with him, a non-smoker) like before - one or 2 during the day. Even the dog does not feel the tension as he did during the last binge.
He, on the other hand, looks and feels like hell and is off to bed as hi-ho-it's off to work he goes at 3am........
Thanks again, TakingCharge99 for that wonderful bit of wisdom.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
I have stopped even asking my husband if he is going to a meeting. The last one he went to, I drove him to....talk about a codependent. He couldn't even get himself to one. If an alcoholic wants to go, he/she will go. But you or me asking and trying to wish them there is a dream that will never happen.
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