Been here before
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
Been here before
Hi all, just wanted to let you know a little about me. I have been on and off this forum for at least the last five years. I keep thinking I am getting better and life gets in the way and worstly I forget my darn login info. So here is just a little about me and why I am back.
I am a mom of three. My oldest is a month away from 18 and she has a two year old daughter. They both live with me. I have two younger children a 7 yr old daughter and a 6 yr old son with Autism. They are from my second husband who is an active alcoholic. We all live together. From the beginning of our relationship my husband has used my daughter as his scapegoat and although not very well, I have tried to protect her from all his rages. He is verbally abusive and if I could turn the clock back I would have ran as fast as I could when I met him. She is also his biggest enabler in the sense of she verbally abuses him right back. She is getting mental help due to her issues (ADHD, OCD and possibly bipolar). I can see a similar pattern starting with my 7 year old in the way she interacts and speaks to her father.
Here is why I am back (again, sigh...) I have lived with so many years of stress and depression that it has taken it's toll on my physical health along with my emotional health. I now have fibromyalgia and anxiety so bad that I feel like a rubber band wound too tight all of the time. Things set me off so much easier. All I feel is anger most of the time except when I am repressing it. I have just gotten into therapy and dug out all of my old books on co-dependancy.
There are some good things in my life, I have managed to accomplish some things. I have almost completed my associate degree and start my bachelors in September. I am getting my degree in psychology and plan on working with families with autistic children.
I am in the process of setting boundaries. The trouble is I don't know how to come up with consequences. Another problem I have is when AH hits my buttons I have a hard time staying silent or at least not letting my mouth get me in trouble. Mostly it has to do with parenting. I have always been told that parents need to present a united front with the children but I find this very difficult when I feel his way of dealing with the children is inappropriate or just plan mean. Sometimes my way of protecting the children is to be the nice guy and give in or I am just to tired to be consistent.
I have my plan, I am looking into the possibility of leaving him but I have to get some things in order first. It has come to the point where all I feel for him is anger and there is no other emotion. I cringe everytime he says "I Love You" (which is about 100 times a day). I know this is not right. Marriage should not be this way. I just don't know what I want anymore.
So thanks for letting me lurk and vent. All your posts help tremendously and remind me that I am not alone.
I am a mom of three. My oldest is a month away from 18 and she has a two year old daughter. They both live with me. I have two younger children a 7 yr old daughter and a 6 yr old son with Autism. They are from my second husband who is an active alcoholic. We all live together. From the beginning of our relationship my husband has used my daughter as his scapegoat and although not very well, I have tried to protect her from all his rages. He is verbally abusive and if I could turn the clock back I would have ran as fast as I could when I met him. She is also his biggest enabler in the sense of she verbally abuses him right back. She is getting mental help due to her issues (ADHD, OCD and possibly bipolar). I can see a similar pattern starting with my 7 year old in the way she interacts and speaks to her father.
Here is why I am back (again, sigh...) I have lived with so many years of stress and depression that it has taken it's toll on my physical health along with my emotional health. I now have fibromyalgia and anxiety so bad that I feel like a rubber band wound too tight all of the time. Things set me off so much easier. All I feel is anger most of the time except when I am repressing it. I have just gotten into therapy and dug out all of my old books on co-dependancy.
There are some good things in my life, I have managed to accomplish some things. I have almost completed my associate degree and start my bachelors in September. I am getting my degree in psychology and plan on working with families with autistic children.
I am in the process of setting boundaries. The trouble is I don't know how to come up with consequences. Another problem I have is when AH hits my buttons I have a hard time staying silent or at least not letting my mouth get me in trouble. Mostly it has to do with parenting. I have always been told that parents need to present a united front with the children but I find this very difficult when I feel his way of dealing with the children is inappropriate or just plan mean. Sometimes my way of protecting the children is to be the nice guy and give in or I am just to tired to be consistent.
I have my plan, I am looking into the possibility of leaving him but I have to get some things in order first. It has come to the point where all I feel for him is anger and there is no other emotion. I cringe everytime he says "I Love You" (which is about 100 times a day). I know this is not right. Marriage should not be this way. I just don't know what I want anymore.
So thanks for letting me lurk and vent. All your posts help tremendously and remind me that I am not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
dear sapphire, i can imagine how difficult it is for you to deal with ah and children. my ah tells me 100 times a day that loves me but as you said i don't belive either. work on your plan and try to be positive about your future.good luck.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Therapy was the best thing I ever did for myself sapphire, it really helped me focus on what I needed to do, one phase at a time, to get where I wanted to be.
That anger is destructive, it will destroy your health and your mental well-being. I know how hard it is to let go of, especially when you're living with the alcoholic insanity, but it's important to learn to let it go. Easier said than done, I well know.
That anger is destructive, it will destroy your health and your mental well-being. I know how hard it is to let go of, especially when you're living with the alcoholic insanity, but it's important to learn to let it go. Easier said than done, I well know.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
sapphire,
I was right where you are!
I have a rather sharp tongue and when I just couldn't hold back anymore is when STBXABF and I had our worst blowout fights. Of course, I didn't exactly have to try at all to be snarky, all I had to do was include some mention of his drinking and he would hit the roof.
When I came to SR I learned the concept of detachment. For me, this meant not such keeping my comments to myself but to not even feel the need to say anything in the first place. It took a lot of focus to do it and I stumbled frequently with it. There were times I actually interrupted myself and left the room to get myself in check. It became about focusing on me and letting his drama be his own. If he kept himself in line and treated me and the pets with respect and care, he got the attention he craved. Beyond that, life moved on without him.
I, too, had a lot of things I had to get situated before I could consider leaving my ABF namely affording living on my own. I worked hard and hoped to be gone before the end of the year, but life and HP intervened, and ABF lost his job thus losing our housing.
We are now separated in the process of moving. He going one way, I'm going another. Despite not getting the life on my own that I had hoped for (I'll be living in a friend's basement). I find it matters more that I am taking control of my life back.
My recovery up to this point has made this possible. Had I not come here and begun this process, I could never have taken the opportunity when it presented itself.
I wish you the best.
Alice
I was right where you are!
I have a rather sharp tongue and when I just couldn't hold back anymore is when STBXABF and I had our worst blowout fights. Of course, I didn't exactly have to try at all to be snarky, all I had to do was include some mention of his drinking and he would hit the roof.
When I came to SR I learned the concept of detachment. For me, this meant not such keeping my comments to myself but to not even feel the need to say anything in the first place. It took a lot of focus to do it and I stumbled frequently with it. There were times I actually interrupted myself and left the room to get myself in check. It became about focusing on me and letting his drama be his own. If he kept himself in line and treated me and the pets with respect and care, he got the attention he craved. Beyond that, life moved on without him.
I, too, had a lot of things I had to get situated before I could consider leaving my ABF namely affording living on my own. I worked hard and hoped to be gone before the end of the year, but life and HP intervened, and ABF lost his job thus losing our housing.
We are now separated in the process of moving. He going one way, I'm going another. Despite not getting the life on my own that I had hoped for (I'll be living in a friend's basement). I find it matters more that I am taking control of my life back.
My recovery up to this point has made this possible. Had I not come here and begun this process, I could never have taken the opportunity when it presented itself.
I wish you the best.
Alice
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