kitkat

Ok - I went into the weekend ready for the drinking to start (he has been sober for a week, but not because he wanted to, but because he felt he had to or else I would leave), and ready with my new set of boundaries.

Friday night I sat him down and read him a letter I wrote that day that talked about what I learned in the past week. I explained to him that I am very much to blame for where the relationship is at. I told him about my recovery and how I am a codependent. I laid down my boundaries and let him know this isn't a punishment for him, but a way for me to keep my sanity. I mentioned the possibility of separation down the road so that we could focus on ourselves, but that I had no plans for divorce. I told him I loved him and that I needed him to be patient with me. I explained to him how I am having problems with affection due to trying to separate him from the alcohol.

Well, the response I got was horrible and he went out that night and bought some beer. He also left me alone and slept in another room. The next day he apologized for getting angry and was very pleasant to be around the rest of the weekend althought he drank like a fish. He continued to sleep in a separate room.

Yesterday he drank way too much and this morning he started to realize that he can't control it. He told me that I taught him a valuable lesson this weekend. I gave him responsibility for his drinking and he blew it. He even started talking about going to AA. He's going to apologize to his son whom he called last night and yelled at for not being around. He says he doesn't blame him for not being around - he knows it's because of his drinking.

We'll see how it goes, but I am staying firm on my boundaries and I'm going to keep coming here and to Alanon. We go to marriage counseling on Wednesday and I think it will be even more productive now that he wants to try to fix things.

I know there will still be tough days ahead, but at least we're starting on the right track.

smoke gets in my eyes

Got my fingers crossed for you Kitkat!

Big hugs,
Smoke

CATLVR

Hi KitKat,

You are at a good start! I'll pray for you both.

My AH lost it Friday, when 2 yr old son had a tantrum, he blamed me for his behavior, I told him to calm down, but he kept on complaining, let me also mention that one of his drinking buddies was outside waiting for him. He left angry, and slept in guest room the rest of the wk end.

He remained sober during the day and spent time with us. He drank each evening alone outside and I read my book. We stayed out of each others hair and made it though the rest of the weekend without an argument.

I started reading the book suggested my Meg and this has helped me. . .

Take Care, Cindy

kitkat

Thank you guys! I know things could turn for the worst at any second, so I'm not putting all my hopes on this. I'm going to stick to my boundaries and keep working my own program. I've got some books coming here soon, which I am going to read avidly.

I'm sorry, Cindy things didn't go better for you, but at least you've set some boundaries and did what you wanted. My husband doesn't have any drinking buddies and simply drinks at home. I think this is what kind of jolted him. He sees that he is going to be very lonely if he sits alone and drinks. I'm hoping your AH sees the problem soon and makes a turn. But if not, at least you're working on you and that's what counts!!

matters

Hi kitkat,

Working on our recovery is what counts!! We sure can not make them change.They have to want to do that for themselves. My husband sits and drinks ALONE in his truck after work and listens to music or talks on his cell. How exciting! He is too broke to go to bars so that is a good thing. He drinks alot alone. Good luck to both of you and glad your here. This place helps me so much!!

Take care and many prayers,
matters

mamasmitty

I know that must have been hard for you. We are here for ya!

EmotionalMeg

Hi Kitkat,

WooHoo!!! It may not SEEM like cause for celebration, but I remember this point in MY recovery also... when things start to become a little clearer; when our heads are not in the "codependant fog".

Yeah, in a way you DID teach him a lesson.
You showed him that the drinking and the behavior ARE his... but most importantly, that YOU aren't gonna get "washed up" in it.

The trick now, is to remain motivated.
Keep a journal of whats been going on, and the lessons you've learned. Write a list of your "codependant traits", and then a list of what you need to work on... Get to meetings too

OH! and come back and share (your recovery helps me too)
Take care
Meg

kitkat

Thanks Meg!! I will definitely do that. I do plan on going to meetings every week and I have ordered some books to read. I will continue coming here for sure. I like the journal idea - I bet that is therapeutic as well.

LongStrangeTrip

kitkat,
You know so many of us know exactly what you're going through and hopefully, just knowing that can give you some comfort and support.

What you did was so brave. I am about to do the very same thing and I'm having some trouble because I'm sitting here trying to think of what it is I enjoy the most besides the kids and it's not easy! I truly can't really remember what I really care about and enjoy, because I guess I've been so caught up in his joys for so long.
I won't give up though! You've inspired me to keep plugging away and digging deep down inside to find those joys and get them BACK!

kitkat

Thank you so much LST for the kind words!! I hardly see myself as brave, but I do feel better after setting those boundaries. I feel like I can take anything on, because I have my "safe" place to go to where I can focus on me.

I have always enjoyed being alone, which is why I think the boundaries I set are working (at least for now). I love to get lost in a good movie or read a good book. Or sometimes just closing my eyes and praying to God is enough for me to regain my serenity. The answers and comfort always seem to come at that point.

I hope you are able to find your joys just as I have!!!

Hugs!
Kitkat