He's gone -
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
the right thing
Well done on making a difficult decision. My story is so very like yours. Funny, charming and handsome man with whom I was deeply in love and who was in love with me. We dated for a little less than a year, were engaged and married. The day after our wedding, he dissappeared for hours and came home drunk. We went on the honeymoon anyway and as the months passed, disappearences became more frequent, he lost his job and didn't work to find another, I found alcohol hidden all over the house and became obsessed with getting him sober. Several stints at rehab and several relapses later, I'm now filing for divorce (after one year of marriage). I am devastated to lose my marriage but realize that I'm grieving for what could have been - not for what was. It is so hard and so sad, but also a relief to be away from the trauma. I wish I had known what I was facing before we married - but I didn't. We didn't live together and his family so wanted him to be happy and thought I was the key, so they didn't tell me. You do know... and you're saving yourself by walking away. Praying for both of you in your individual recoveries.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
A few nights back I snuggled deep into him and he held me tight. I knew what was coming but just needed to feel this for probably the last time
I know this is probably the hardest thing you have ever done - but you are doing the right thing.
Be strong and a big EXTRA LONG hug for you!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
newgirl, welcome to the "family"! Please stick around and share your experience, so much I've what I've read on these forums today has resonated within me and given me reminder of the wreckage I created in our home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
Quick update: Well he's been gone a few weeks now. We have spoken on and off but I've stayed firm as difficult as it's been.
He did come over Saturday to pick up a few things. He actually grilled something outside and we had dinner. He picked at his food (still very ill) and then went home. He'd been living with me the past year or so until I told him to leave.
It hasn't been easy. Seeing him and seeing how sick he is has been difficult. He's so young but can barely eat, can barely even sit up straight. I don't think he's been drinking but who knows. It's not up to me to try and figure it all out anymore. I do miss him. I have an old shirt of his that still has his smell on it that I sleep with. <pathetic>
I have a very very busy life outside of this which has helped. He's always said I was a workaholic. So there we were - the alcoholic and workaholic. I supposed I worked to avoid the other problem. But it never went away.
Tonight I'm just down. I think I just know that it really may be over with us. It's so hard to accept it though. When I met him and started dating him I thought that wow, I'd finally met someone who got me. We had a great time together, took fun weekend trips, laughed 'til we cried sometimes and someone who pretty much would have hung the moon for me. I didn't really have that in my very long term marriage.
But as the disease worsened, the r'ship changed too. It makes me so sad thinking about it and wondering if I will ever even want to get into another relationship again. My heart feels just dead.
Thanks again to ALL of you for listening, caring, being there. I know you've all been there, done that, got the ragged teeshirt.
We'll all stumble and fall a few times, take them back a few times (I'm hoping I don't do that!!) and then move on to a new and better life hopefully.
I do pray for him every single night. He's a wonderful man with a terrible disease.
Hugs all around....xoxo
He did come over Saturday to pick up a few things. He actually grilled something outside and we had dinner. He picked at his food (still very ill) and then went home. He'd been living with me the past year or so until I told him to leave.
It hasn't been easy. Seeing him and seeing how sick he is has been difficult. He's so young but can barely eat, can barely even sit up straight. I don't think he's been drinking but who knows. It's not up to me to try and figure it all out anymore. I do miss him. I have an old shirt of his that still has his smell on it that I sleep with. <pathetic>
I have a very very busy life outside of this which has helped. He's always said I was a workaholic. So there we were - the alcoholic and workaholic. I supposed I worked to avoid the other problem. But it never went away.
Tonight I'm just down. I think I just know that it really may be over with us. It's so hard to accept it though. When I met him and started dating him I thought that wow, I'd finally met someone who got me. We had a great time together, took fun weekend trips, laughed 'til we cried sometimes and someone who pretty much would have hung the moon for me. I didn't really have that in my very long term marriage.
But as the disease worsened, the r'ship changed too. It makes me so sad thinking about it and wondering if I will ever even want to get into another relationship again. My heart feels just dead.
Thanks again to ALL of you for listening, caring, being there. I know you've all been there, done that, got the ragged teeshirt.
We'll all stumble and fall a few times, take them back a few times (I'm hoping I don't do that!!) and then move on to a new and better life hopefully.
I do pray for him every single night. He's a wonderful man with a terrible disease.
Hugs all around....xoxo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
HI BrandiSue..
big hugs to you.
like Sclarke..my exabf left me too..after a rollercoaster ride of two years..
when i was at my breaking point and threatening to leave him.
i guess he sensed it and then left me first.
it wasnt so much i wanted to help him or save him..
and believe me..he needed help and saving...and rescuing..
and me being the nurse..the animal rescuer..fit the bill to a tee..
it was that i simply loved him..
despite the chaos..
despite the craziness i allowed into my life.
i did love him.
he was funny.
we did "get" each other..
in many ways..we were alike and got along terrific.
it was bad..but it was also very good too..or i would not have stayed
as long as i did.
and strangely..still..i do miss him.
not as much..but yes..i do.
i dont miss the chaos and emotional turmoil of loving an addict/ alkie.
the ups the downs..the in and outs..off and on ..hot and cold routine.
Alot of what has helped me heal..is i know that his addictions ruled him..his choices..
his everything!
love is not a priority with addicts/ alkies.
the substance IS.
and that priority will supersede all else..love..their families..their very own children!
learning these facts help me put it in perspective and not take it all so personally..
it is what he will do ..to whoever is in that slot...
it comes with the territory..
love or not.
and like you Brandisue..i will never stop praying for that man..
NEVER..
cause i will always care for him..
even though we have no contact anymore..or very minimal..an occasional email from him now and then.
i let his birthday go by..first time unacknowledged in four years.
letting go is hard..
its for his good..
but mostly its for my own good too.
detached...and protecting my heart ......
hang in there..
i understand.
xo
big hugs to you.
like Sclarke..my exabf left me too..after a rollercoaster ride of two years..
when i was at my breaking point and threatening to leave him.
i guess he sensed it and then left me first.
it wasnt so much i wanted to help him or save him..
and believe me..he needed help and saving...and rescuing..
and me being the nurse..the animal rescuer..fit the bill to a tee..
it was that i simply loved him..
despite the chaos..
despite the craziness i allowed into my life.
i did love him.
he was funny.
we did "get" each other..
in many ways..we were alike and got along terrific.
it was bad..but it was also very good too..or i would not have stayed
as long as i did.
and strangely..still..i do miss him.
not as much..but yes..i do.
i dont miss the chaos and emotional turmoil of loving an addict/ alkie.
the ups the downs..the in and outs..off and on ..hot and cold routine.
Alot of what has helped me heal..is i know that his addictions ruled him..his choices..
his everything!
love is not a priority with addicts/ alkies.
the substance IS.
and that priority will supersede all else..love..their families..their very own children!
learning these facts help me put it in perspective and not take it all so personally..
it is what he will do ..to whoever is in that slot...
it comes with the territory..
love or not.
and like you Brandisue..i will never stop praying for that man..
NEVER..
cause i will always care for him..
even though we have no contact anymore..or very minimal..an occasional email from him now and then.
i let his birthday go by..first time unacknowledged in four years.
letting go is hard..
its for his good..
but mostly its for my own good too.
detached...and protecting my heart ......
hang in there..
i understand.
xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by BrandiSue 
I'm glad Monday is almost here . (can't believe I'm saying that!!!) But work will bring the focus I need and hopefully I can work through this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
BrandiSue-Your story resonates because it's my story as well. My ABF is 49 and on the same self destructive course as yours. Physically, he is a wreck as along with alcohol, he is tapering off anti depressants. Double whammy there.
It's hard to watch someone you love so much die a slow death and you can't do one damned thing about it. I've been through (with him) 2 rehabs and 3 relapses-the current one is the most self destructive because I have for the first time, let go and let God, practiced detachment, not enabled him, not engaged in arguments while he is drinking and tonight, well, he couldn't stand it anymore and blew at me once again. The insults, the degradation, the manipulation. everything all at once in order to get me to blow, to act as I did before, to beg, plead, bargain, do anything to still be under the control of his alcoholism.
I will admit I did blow tonight, only to tell him that is was his choice to leave, I could not stop him, nor would I and the only words I wanted to hear was when he was planning to leave.
This is killing me as I moved to be with him, to start a new life. It took a while before I realized the extent of his alcoholism, but good little codie that I was, I thought love and me being here would fix everything. Al-Anon helped me to see the three C's - I didn't cause his alcoholism, I can't control and I can't cure it. The choice I have is not to react to it, to choose peace, serenity, a life free of chaos. I'm rereading Co-Dependent No More yet again and it too, is a great source on inspiration.
God, reading all of the wonderful responses helps me so much, to see that I am not alone in this and to know that we are all here to help each other get where we are going.
KMMK-your post could be my words as they echo how I feel about my ABF. Thank you for those. Hard for not to read them and cry.
Want to know some real irony? My divorce decree arrived in the mail today - I was married for 8 years and there was not a lot of grief on my part at ending that marriage. I think getting those papers today is a signal to me that my life is about to take a turn for the better as it's time to move on with my life.
Big hugs coming to everyone here.....
It's hard to watch someone you love so much die a slow death and you can't do one damned thing about it. I've been through (with him) 2 rehabs and 3 relapses-the current one is the most self destructive because I have for the first time, let go and let God, practiced detachment, not enabled him, not engaged in arguments while he is drinking and tonight, well, he couldn't stand it anymore and blew at me once again. The insults, the degradation, the manipulation. everything all at once in order to get me to blow, to act as I did before, to beg, plead, bargain, do anything to still be under the control of his alcoholism.
I will admit I did blow tonight, only to tell him that is was his choice to leave, I could not stop him, nor would I and the only words I wanted to hear was when he was planning to leave.
This is killing me as I moved to be with him, to start a new life. It took a while before I realized the extent of his alcoholism, but good little codie that I was, I thought love and me being here would fix everything. Al-Anon helped me to see the three C's - I didn't cause his alcoholism, I can't control and I can't cure it. The choice I have is not to react to it, to choose peace, serenity, a life free of chaos. I'm rereading Co-Dependent No More yet again and it too, is a great source on inspiration.
God, reading all of the wonderful responses helps me so much, to see that I am not alone in this and to know that we are all here to help each other get where we are going.
KMMK-your post could be my words as they echo how I feel about my ABF. Thank you for those. Hard for not to read them and cry.
Want to know some real irony? My divorce decree arrived in the mail today - I was married for 8 years and there was not a lot of grief on my part at ending that marriage. I think getting those papers today is a signal to me that my life is about to take a turn for the better as it's time to move on with my life.
Big hugs coming to everyone here.....
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
A few nights back I snuggled deep into him and he held me tight.
This made me cry tonight... just like lovtolaff I did the same thing.... I remember when we were still close I hugged him SO TIGHT, and I thought "this is now or never, if I don't pack NOW I will NEVER leave this guy"
I remember the last time we were intimate.. I knew it was the last time.... it was rather intense... I recall thinking "whatever happens to us in the future, you and I know... once, once time ago, you were mine... "
Totally pathetic and dramatic, I know. Man this hurts so much.
To no longer recognize them.
This made me cry tonight... just like lovtolaff I did the same thing.... I remember when we were still close I hugged him SO TIGHT, and I thought "this is now or never, if I don't pack NOW I will NEVER leave this guy"
I remember the last time we were intimate.. I knew it was the last time.... it was rather intense... I recall thinking "whatever happens to us in the future, you and I know... once, once time ago, you were mine... "
Totally pathetic and dramatic, I know. Man this hurts so much.
To no longer recognize them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
its interesting...
a few of us here, have had prior relationships with other people..
or were even married before for many years....and the endings of those relationships
were less painful than the ones that brought us to our knees and brought us HERE.
i had been with a man i did love dearly...years back...lived with him for years..but that ending some how didnt hurt as much as this one has.
why?
for me...this one..even in all the dysfunction..on a heart level..on a soul level..
buried beneath the addiction was someone i felt like "soul mate"
our hearts connected.
but the addiction split us...
divided us.
i was only with him two years..but we were together alot..
shared many many laughs..our love of music ....love for his daughter..shared alot of tenderness..and best friends who just enjoyed each others company in the simplest of things.....walks in
beautiful central park...often walked by the Dakota where john lennon had lived.
The upper west side of manhattan was my home for two years. with him..and i loved it there....and i still feel nostalgic for it and him..
BUT i dont miss the chaos..and i have to remember that part too.
while he was loving...his addictions made him emotionally unsafe........
and hurtful..and selfish........
its ok to still love him..
but i also maintain and remember the facts of what he is truly not capable of...
and that is really caring and sharing and being there for another...
as he is already "TAKEN'..
by his addiction..
a few of us here, have had prior relationships with other people..
or were even married before for many years....and the endings of those relationships
were less painful than the ones that brought us to our knees and brought us HERE.
i had been with a man i did love dearly...years back...lived with him for years..but that ending some how didnt hurt as much as this one has.
why?
for me...this one..even in all the dysfunction..on a heart level..on a soul level..
buried beneath the addiction was someone i felt like "soul mate"
our hearts connected.
but the addiction split us...
divided us.
i was only with him two years..but we were together alot..
shared many many laughs..our love of music ....love for his daughter..shared alot of tenderness..and best friends who just enjoyed each others company in the simplest of things.....walks in
beautiful central park...often walked by the Dakota where john lennon had lived.
The upper west side of manhattan was my home for two years. with him..and i loved it there....and i still feel nostalgic for it and him..
BUT i dont miss the chaos..and i have to remember that part too.
while he was loving...his addictions made him emotionally unsafe........
and hurtful..and selfish........
its ok to still love him..
but i also maintain and remember the facts of what he is truly not capable of...
and that is really caring and sharing and being there for another...
as he is already "TAKEN'..
by his addiction..
Last edited by KMMK; 08-06-2009 at 06:36 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
I'm crying as I read these latest responses. I just FEEL so much for all of us and what we've been through and continue to go through.
Your words are my words. I've read back through this thread several times just to recapture everyone's words because they are MY words too. You do feel so all alone sometimes.
I did speak to him again tonight. He'd gotten some test results back from his dr's visit - chronic pancreatitis. He made sure I knew he had no noticeable liver damage. He is throwing up daily and weak. He's moved back to his parent's guest house where his mother I'm sure is hovering over him to make sure he's not drinking and eating something. He hates the fact that he's back at home at 39. He made his choice and now he lives it I suppose. It could be worse. He could be on the streets.
At least though he's not at my home any longer. The calm is welcomed even though I miss him. His smell is still in the bedroom and that about kills me. Ugh.
So another day goes by and I do get stronger. Keep me in your thoughts because I am still talking to him but don't want to weaken!
Your words are my words. I've read back through this thread several times just to recapture everyone's words because they are MY words too. You do feel so all alone sometimes.
I did speak to him again tonight. He'd gotten some test results back from his dr's visit - chronic pancreatitis. He made sure I knew he had no noticeable liver damage. He is throwing up daily and weak. He's moved back to his parent's guest house where his mother I'm sure is hovering over him to make sure he's not drinking and eating something. He hates the fact that he's back at home at 39. He made his choice and now he lives it I suppose. It could be worse. He could be on the streets.
At least though he's not at my home any longer. The calm is welcomed even though I miss him. His smell is still in the bedroom and that about kills me. Ugh.
So another day goes by and I do get stronger. Keep me in your thoughts because I am still talking to him but don't want to weaken!
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