Not sure that I even qualify as a friend any more
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
**{hugs}}
No worries-sorry if I misunderstood what you said. That's what the forum is here for-to get out your feelings and thoughts, uncensored. I was just trying to suggest taking away that blame might make you feel less stressed, and make things easier on you-I didn't mean for it to come out as chastising in any way. That's my codie tendencies coming out.
As for him not showing any emotion, I gotta say the way my xabf reacted to things certainly puzzled the $#$%*( out of me sometimes. I would have LONNNGGG chat convos with him about why he went to the bar. He had a bazillion excuses. I would always try to counter with "why don't you work out to deal with stress"...he always had a BUT.
ex. of a typical convo.
HIM: I hate where I live so I go to the bar.
ME: Why don't you work out?
HIM: At 8:00 at night??
ME Sure. I work out at 11pm sometimes.
HIM: I'm too tired from work.
ME: Ok, what about taking a class?
HIM No, I can't, my brain is too fried.
ME: Ok, how about hanging out with E--- (his female friend)
HIM: No, once she's in, she's in. She doesn't want to go out anymore.
See what I mean?
BUT BUT BUT BUT. His BUT always led back to the bar.
Ha, I kind of made an unintentional funny.
Anyway, I think As have different copiing skills that are foreign to us. His lack of emotion may have been an example of a maladaptive coping skill. I thikn the more you learn about alcoholism, the more yo uwill have AH HA moments, like I've been having, that will explain a lot of the things he did in the past.
Then once you get the AH-HA moments, you'll get tired of trying to figure HIM out and focus on yourself.
No worries-sorry if I misunderstood what you said. That's what the forum is here for-to get out your feelings and thoughts, uncensored. I was just trying to suggest taking away that blame might make you feel less stressed, and make things easier on you-I didn't mean for it to come out as chastising in any way. That's my codie tendencies coming out.
As for him not showing any emotion, I gotta say the way my xabf reacted to things certainly puzzled the $#$%*( out of me sometimes. I would have LONNNGGG chat convos with him about why he went to the bar. He had a bazillion excuses. I would always try to counter with "why don't you work out to deal with stress"...he always had a BUT.
ex. of a typical convo.
HIM: I hate where I live so I go to the bar.
ME: Why don't you work out?
HIM: At 8:00 at night??
ME Sure. I work out at 11pm sometimes.
HIM: I'm too tired from work.
ME: Ok, what about taking a class?
HIM No, I can't, my brain is too fried.
ME: Ok, how about hanging out with E--- (his female friend)
HIM: No, once she's in, she's in. She doesn't want to go out anymore.
See what I mean?
BUT BUT BUT BUT. His BUT always led back to the bar.
Ha, I kind of made an unintentional funny.
Anyway, I think As have different copiing skills that are foreign to us. His lack of emotion may have been an example of a maladaptive coping skill. I thikn the more you learn about alcoholism, the more yo uwill have AH HA moments, like I've been having, that will explain a lot of the things he did in the past.
Then once you get the AH-HA moments, you'll get tired of trying to figure HIM out and focus on yourself.
Originally Posted by Boogs 
Ok, I appreciate that is how it may have come across from my post yesterday. I was very upset and not really thinking straight. When I used that example I was trying to show that he never showed emotion. That day when he walked out I had no idea he was coming back. He had never in the past when he ran out when I was upset. I was genuinely amazed when he walked into the room. The knife was not an attempt at emotional blackmail as I never thought he would see it, it was a bloody stupid thing that I did in a moment of hysterical desperation a long time ago. If I saw someone that I cared about who was that upset it would upset me, I wouldn't take the knives and then go straight the pub for the day!
I am not blaming him for the way I behaved, and I'm not saying that I had no part to play our problems. I spent the last 4 years making excuses for his behaviour and taking the blame for everything. I have a bit more perspective now and am working on my self esteem so that I don't end up in another destructive relationship in the future.
I do very much appreciate you taking the time to post though and have just ordered the co-dependent no more book on express delivery to arrive tomorrow. Maybe that will help me to see things a bit clearer.
It is extremely hard working alongside him and I had another confrontation with him today. I am now working in a position where I am responsible for his team and if I ever question him on anything he kicks off and makes it personal. He is back in complete denial about having a drink problem and says that his problems at work have been caused by me causing trouble. Yes the fact that he has a sickie most weeks and had someone complain about him smelling of alcohol and being aggressive is entirely my fault I'm sure. I am now keeping a log and have spoken to management today as I will not accept this behaviour at work any more. I desperately want a new job but there isn't much round at the moment.
I'm aware I am just rambling again now. Thanks to everyone for all posts, I will read around here a bit more. It just feels good to be around others in a similar position to me.
I am not blaming him for the way I behaved, and I'm not saying that I had no part to play our problems. I spent the last 4 years making excuses for his behaviour and taking the blame for everything. I have a bit more perspective now and am working on my self esteem so that I don't end up in another destructive relationship in the future.
I do very much appreciate you taking the time to post though and have just ordered the co-dependent no more book on express delivery to arrive tomorrow. Maybe that will help me to see things a bit clearer.
It is extremely hard working alongside him and I had another confrontation with him today. I am now working in a position where I am responsible for his team and if I ever question him on anything he kicks off and makes it personal. He is back in complete denial about having a drink problem and says that his problems at work have been caused by me causing trouble. Yes the fact that he has a sickie most weeks and had someone complain about him smelling of alcohol and being aggressive is entirely my fault I'm sure. I am now keeping a log and have spoken to management today as I will not accept this behaviour at work any more. I desperately want a new job but there isn't much round at the moment.
I'm aware I am just rambling again now. Thanks to everyone for all posts, I will read around here a bit more. It just feels good to be around others in a similar position to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
Thanks Sandrawg. I had started stopping trying to constantly work him out for the last few weeks and I'm frustrated that I am back in that mindset.
He looked me in the eyes and said that he doesn't have a drink problem, he said he doesn't drink excessively and is in control of it. He has said this to me a number of times over the years and I think sometimes he honestly believes it. Sometimes I almost believe him myself and I start to wonder if it is all in my head.
I lived with him for 2 years. During that time he would regularly dissapear, turn his phone off and rock up hours later wasted. If he went to the shop for a pint of milk he would usually end up in the pub for a few hours. If he was upset he would end up in the pub, if he was angry he would end up in the pub, if he was happy he would end up in the pub. He did not drink every day and when he did drink it wasn't always excessively. I once suggested that we go for a month without buying beer to see how much money we would save. He agreed and then got some the next day. If we went to a social event he would always be the last one there even if I was begging to go home and he had promised at the start of the night we would not be out long. I remember once he had been into work on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours on his own and the next day he panicked saying we had to go in as he had left a beer bottle in the bin. When I kicked him out last year he went to stay with his drinking buddy and starting taking a sickie most weeks. When he tried to move back in with me for a new start he dissapeared to the pub within 3 days, when we went for a picnic in the country (desperately looking for an activity that wouldn't be near alcohol) he turned up with beer. A year or so back I approached HR to talk to them about how much he was struggling asking them to support him as opposed to punishing him. They lent him money for a deposit for his own place and arranged counselling for him. He now says that work is what is causing all his stress and that they only think he has a drink problem because I told him he had and he doesn't. Does he have a drink problem or am I causing trouble? I really can't believe that I am questioning this having spent the last 3.5 years knowing that he has a problem with drink. I am back to blaming myself again!
He looked me in the eyes and said that he doesn't have a drink problem, he said he doesn't drink excessively and is in control of it. He has said this to me a number of times over the years and I think sometimes he honestly believes it. Sometimes I almost believe him myself and I start to wonder if it is all in my head.
I lived with him for 2 years. During that time he would regularly dissapear, turn his phone off and rock up hours later wasted. If he went to the shop for a pint of milk he would usually end up in the pub for a few hours. If he was upset he would end up in the pub, if he was angry he would end up in the pub, if he was happy he would end up in the pub. He did not drink every day and when he did drink it wasn't always excessively. I once suggested that we go for a month without buying beer to see how much money we would save. He agreed and then got some the next day. If we went to a social event he would always be the last one there even if I was begging to go home and he had promised at the start of the night we would not be out long. I remember once he had been into work on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours on his own and the next day he panicked saying we had to go in as he had left a beer bottle in the bin. When I kicked him out last year he went to stay with his drinking buddy and starting taking a sickie most weeks. When he tried to move back in with me for a new start he dissapeared to the pub within 3 days, when we went for a picnic in the country (desperately looking for an activity that wouldn't be near alcohol) he turned up with beer. A year or so back I approached HR to talk to them about how much he was struggling asking them to support him as opposed to punishing him. They lent him money for a deposit for his own place and arranged counselling for him. He now says that work is what is causing all his stress and that they only think he has a drink problem because I told him he had and he doesn't. Does he have a drink problem or am I causing trouble? I really can't believe that I am questioning this having spent the last 3.5 years knowing that he has a problem with drink. I am back to blaming myself again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
Fair enough. I have tried to step back and every time that I do he contacts me. I now ignore all calls and texts but he always seeks out my attention at work. It has been commented on by a number of other people. I think that negative attention is better than no attention from me.
I don't know what I am doing on this site. Why am I trying to look at his alcoholism after 18 months? You are right. Maybe it is time to stop looking at this.
I don't know what I am doing on this site. Why am I trying to look at his alcoholism after 18 months? You are right. Maybe it is time to stop looking at this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
I really have been trying so hard to do that recently and thought I was getting somewhere but when he attacked me yesterday with such venom it got to me. I started questioning my judgement and wondering if he was right and it was all my fault. I am sat here typing in tears and really thought I had moved past that.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Sebring, Florida
Posts: 10
BOOGS~
I understand the whole being able to relate because your childhood was simuliar. That's how it was for my husband and I. His drug of choice was heroin and had been sober for over five years until recently. I have just been hit with all of this in the past few months. It has esculated.
You have some really good advice on here. May I just add, that you may care/love him still but maybe it is time to move on.
I am married and this is going to be a hard choice for me, but he has made it obvious that he's not willing to get help. And if he won't get help, i can't be a part of his life.
Keep your head up and don't beat yourself up!
You have cheerleaders here rooting you on!
I understand the whole being able to relate because your childhood was simuliar. That's how it was for my husband and I. His drug of choice was heroin and had been sober for over five years until recently. I have just been hit with all of this in the past few months. It has esculated.
You have some really good advice on here. May I just add, that you may care/love him still but maybe it is time to move on.
I am married and this is going to be a hard choice for me, but he has made it obvious that he's not willing to get help. And if he won't get help, i can't be a part of his life.
Keep your head up and don't beat yourself up!
You have cheerleaders here rooting you on!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Hi Boogs! Welcome!
I work with my axbf just like you so I understand what a special slice of hell it is seeing someone all the time who has caused you so much pain. There is a point in time where you have to wonder if he's the one causing you pain or if you're the one letting him.
My ex harassed me, pressured me to quit my job, screaming and cussing at me in front of co-workers and was basically trying to intimidate me every day for months after our break-up and what did I do? I took it. And as I was taking it I was still playing the blame game, telling everyone what a monster he was and why didn't he just leave me alone?!!!!
I'll tell you what I had to do to find the tinest shred of sanity. I LET HIM GO.
I hadn't reported him to HR like I should have long ago because I hadn't let go of him and us, yet. But one day he made me cry at work by saying cruel things and that was my last straw. We had been broken up for so long, I hadn't looked or spoken to him in nearly a month and he was still coming down on me like a nuclear bomb! He wouldn't let me go and I knew that he never would until I let HIM go.
So I reported him to HR. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life but the best at the same time. I would suggest that you get this man out of your life immediately. You don't owe him anything and it sure doesn't seem like he's going out of his way for you like you are for him.
Give him a warning, tell him that if he continues to conduct himself so unprofessionally in the workplace you will be forced to file a report with HR. I personally couldn't give my ex a warning because he is too smart and too good. If he knew I had plans to report him to HR he would have had them all on his side before I sat down to type the first sentence! They told him to STOP and if it happened again there would be REPURCUSSIONS.
He has stopped and I can't explain to you the peace I feel. I don't feel guilt for doing it and if he loses his job he will probably shout from the rooftops that it's all my fault but I don't give a damn. One, because I have zero contact with him so what he says is no longer poisining my mind and two, I have finally accepted that he is a grown man who is responsible for his own actions. He thought it was okay to abuse me in and out of the workplace and I SHOWED him that it wasn't. He brought it on himself. That is the first sign that you are a codie and as sick as the alcoholic: when, for whatever reason, you are incapable of letting them fall on their ass when they've done something so obviously wrong!
I don't wake up and dread going into work anymore because I took action. I rescused that man for a long time, just like you rescused yours, but I am done with that. If I wanted someone to rescuse I would have a kid of my own. And if he so much as looks at me funny ever again I will not hesitate. I let him go and I took control of my own emotions instead of leaving them in the hands of an ALCOHOLIC who doesn't care about anything but his drink.
You need to stay away from this man. You said something about him ONLY hitting you twice like he deserved some credit for that. NO. Once is too much. He is an abusive man who is causing you great distress.
WHY? Because you allow it. I remember one of my ex's friends came up to me while we were still together and said
"Mark always tells me how mean he is to you. And how you just take it. He's so god damn proud of himself."
She then proceeded to tell me to leave him! Maybe you're afraid to cut him off because you think you'll be the bad guy but I think you'll be surprised how many more people are aware of his problem than you think. I have some of my ex's friends supporting me after out break up and MAN does that kill him. Don't underestimate the people around you and don't over estime the alcoholic. They are not fooling as many people as they think they are.
This man knows that he is hurting you. I can't say he's doing it on purpose but he knows what he is doing to you and he is sick. You need to stay far, far away from him. God only knows what his new girlfriend is dealing with.
Also... you wrote something about running to HR and begging them not to fire him. DON'T DO THIS AGAIN. This is enabling in the worst way. In order for him to hit bottom he needs to have nothing and no one. As long as everyone around him is there to cushion his fall he will never recover. He is not a child.
If he is harassing you at work please report him to HR. There is little worse in the world than waking up and hating the thought of going into your job. The place you have to be the live your life! Let him go, he has certainly let YOU go. This jerk is not worth your sanity.
None of this is your fault. PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE BLAMES YOU. That is what alcoholics do. I have to ask, what are you getting out of this relationship outside of tears and misery? He is not a child, you can not help him. I'm so sorry I know it hurts but there is nothing you can do to bring him out of the dark hole he's submerged in and make him stop drinking. No one can help him but him. REmember
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
Now what are you going to do for YOU today?
I work with my axbf just like you so I understand what a special slice of hell it is seeing someone all the time who has caused you so much pain. There is a point in time where you have to wonder if he's the one causing you pain or if you're the one letting him.
My ex harassed me, pressured me to quit my job, screaming and cussing at me in front of co-workers and was basically trying to intimidate me every day for months after our break-up and what did I do? I took it. And as I was taking it I was still playing the blame game, telling everyone what a monster he was and why didn't he just leave me alone?!!!!
I'll tell you what I had to do to find the tinest shred of sanity. I LET HIM GO.
I hadn't reported him to HR like I should have long ago because I hadn't let go of him and us, yet. But one day he made me cry at work by saying cruel things and that was my last straw. We had been broken up for so long, I hadn't looked or spoken to him in nearly a month and he was still coming down on me like a nuclear bomb! He wouldn't let me go and I knew that he never would until I let HIM go.
So I reported him to HR. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life but the best at the same time. I would suggest that you get this man out of your life immediately. You don't owe him anything and it sure doesn't seem like he's going out of his way for you like you are for him.
Give him a warning, tell him that if he continues to conduct himself so unprofessionally in the workplace you will be forced to file a report with HR. I personally couldn't give my ex a warning because he is too smart and too good. If he knew I had plans to report him to HR he would have had them all on his side before I sat down to type the first sentence! They told him to STOP and if it happened again there would be REPURCUSSIONS.
He has stopped and I can't explain to you the peace I feel. I don't feel guilt for doing it and if he loses his job he will probably shout from the rooftops that it's all my fault but I don't give a damn. One, because I have zero contact with him so what he says is no longer poisining my mind and two, I have finally accepted that he is a grown man who is responsible for his own actions. He thought it was okay to abuse me in and out of the workplace and I SHOWED him that it wasn't. He brought it on himself. That is the first sign that you are a codie and as sick as the alcoholic: when, for whatever reason, you are incapable of letting them fall on their ass when they've done something so obviously wrong!
I don't wake up and dread going into work anymore because I took action. I rescused that man for a long time, just like you rescused yours, but I am done with that. If I wanted someone to rescuse I would have a kid of my own. And if he so much as looks at me funny ever again I will not hesitate. I let him go and I took control of my own emotions instead of leaving them in the hands of an ALCOHOLIC who doesn't care about anything but his drink.
You need to stay away from this man. You said something about him ONLY hitting you twice like he deserved some credit for that. NO. Once is too much. He is an abusive man who is causing you great distress.
WHY? Because you allow it. I remember one of my ex's friends came up to me while we were still together and said
"Mark always tells me how mean he is to you. And how you just take it. He's so god damn proud of himself."
She then proceeded to tell me to leave him! Maybe you're afraid to cut him off because you think you'll be the bad guy but I think you'll be surprised how many more people are aware of his problem than you think. I have some of my ex's friends supporting me after out break up and MAN does that kill him. Don't underestimate the people around you and don't over estime the alcoholic. They are not fooling as many people as they think they are.
This man knows that he is hurting you. I can't say he's doing it on purpose but he knows what he is doing to you and he is sick. You need to stay far, far away from him. God only knows what his new girlfriend is dealing with.
Also... you wrote something about running to HR and begging them not to fire him. DON'T DO THIS AGAIN. This is enabling in the worst way. In order for him to hit bottom he needs to have nothing and no one. As long as everyone around him is there to cushion his fall he will never recover. He is not a child.
If he is harassing you at work please report him to HR. There is little worse in the world than waking up and hating the thought of going into your job. The place you have to be the live your life! Let him go, he has certainly let YOU go. This jerk is not worth your sanity.
None of this is your fault. PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE BLAMES YOU. That is what alcoholics do. I have to ask, what are you getting out of this relationship outside of tears and misery? He is not a child, you can not help him. I'm so sorry I know it hurts but there is nothing you can do to bring him out of the dark hole he's submerged in and make him stop drinking. No one can help him but him. REmember
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
Now what are you going to do for YOU today?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 39
Once again thanks to you all for the posts, they mean a lot to me. Crazy4him your post was bang on. You didn't say anything that I didn't already really know but I was kind of losing sight of things.
I did meet with my manager about it today and she was really supportive. I did tell him that I was going to record it and report his behaviour if it didn't change and he made various threats to me about how he would report me. I said that I had put up with plenty of **** from him but I was not going to be in the position where I am shutting the office door to cry again.
I will start reading my codependent book tomorrow (I actually went to 3 bookshops in my lunchbreak today looking for it but none of them had it) and will start to really address why I can't let him ago and still feel so responsible for him after all this time after all he has done to me.
I did meet with my manager about it today and she was really supportive. I did tell him that I was going to record it and report his behaviour if it didn't change and he made various threats to me about how he would report me. I said that I had put up with plenty of **** from him but I was not going to be in the position where I am shutting the office door to cry again.
I will start reading my codependent book tomorrow (I actually went to 3 bookshops in my lunchbreak today looking for it but none of them had it) and will start to really address why I can't let him ago and still feel so responsible for him after all this time after all he has done to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
This story could be my xabf. Or anyone else on here's xabf. Or xah. or ah. It's all the same.
He's in denial.
You just need to let him go.
He's in denial.
You just need to let him go.
Originally Posted by Boogs
Thanks Sandrawg. I had started stopping trying to constantly work him out for the last few weeks and I'm frustrated that I am back in that mindset.
He looked me in the eyes and said that he doesn't have a drink problem, he said he doesn't drink excessively and is in control of it. He has said this to me a number of times over the years and I think sometimes he honestly believes it. Sometimes I almost believe him myself and I start to wonder if it is all in my head.
I lived with him for 2 years. During that time he would regularly dissapear, turn his phone off and rock up hours later wasted. If he went to the shop for a pint of milk he would usually end up in the pub for a few hours. If he was upset he would end up in the pub, if he was angry he would end up in the pub, if he was happy he would end up in the pub. He did not drink every day and when he did drink it wasn't always excessively. I once suggested that we go for a month without buying beer to see how much money we would save. He agreed and then got some the next day. If we went to a social event he would always be the last one there even if I was begging to go home and he had promised at the start of the night we would not be out long. I remember once he had been into work on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours on his own and the next day he panicked saying we had to go in as he had left a beer bottle in the bin. When I kicked him out last year he went to stay with his drinking buddy and starting taking a sickie most weeks. When he tried to move back in with me for a new start he dissapeared to the pub within 3 days, when we went for a picnic in the country (desperately looking for an activity that wouldn't be near alcohol) he turned up with beer. A year or so back I approached HR to talk to them about how much he was struggling asking them to support him as opposed to punishing him. They lent him money for a deposit for his own place and arranged counselling for him. He now says that work is what is causing all his stress and that they only think he has a drink problem because I told him he had and he doesn't. Does he have a drink problem or am I causing trouble? I really can't believe that I am questioning this having spent the last 3.5 years knowing that he has a problem with drink. I am back to blaming myself again!
He looked me in the eyes and said that he doesn't have a drink problem, he said he doesn't drink excessively and is in control of it. He has said this to me a number of times over the years and I think sometimes he honestly believes it. Sometimes I almost believe him myself and I start to wonder if it is all in my head.
I lived with him for 2 years. During that time he would regularly dissapear, turn his phone off and rock up hours later wasted. If he went to the shop for a pint of milk he would usually end up in the pub for a few hours. If he was upset he would end up in the pub, if he was angry he would end up in the pub, if he was happy he would end up in the pub. He did not drink every day and when he did drink it wasn't always excessively. I once suggested that we go for a month without buying beer to see how much money we would save. He agreed and then got some the next day. If we went to a social event he would always be the last one there even if I was begging to go home and he had promised at the start of the night we would not be out long. I remember once he had been into work on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours on his own and the next day he panicked saying we had to go in as he had left a beer bottle in the bin. When I kicked him out last year he went to stay with his drinking buddy and starting taking a sickie most weeks. When he tried to move back in with me for a new start he dissapeared to the pub within 3 days, when we went for a picnic in the country (desperately looking for an activity that wouldn't be near alcohol) he turned up with beer. A year or so back I approached HR to talk to them about how much he was struggling asking them to support him as opposed to punishing him. They lent him money for a deposit for his own place and arranged counselling for him. He now says that work is what is causing all his stress and that they only think he has a drink problem because I told him he had and he doesn't. Does he have a drink problem or am I causing trouble? I really can't believe that I am questioning this having spent the last 3.5 years knowing that he has a problem with drink. I am back to blaming myself again!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I think I know why-cuz old patterns are tough to break. Not without some work. It truly is worth it, though. When you read that book, you will probably have some light bulb moments like I did.
It inspired me to start working on myself right away. I actually feel more in control of myself and more positive and hopeful than I have in a long time.
It inspired me to start working on myself right away. I actually feel more in control of myself and more positive and hopeful than I have in a long time.
Originally Posted by Boogs
I will start reading my codependent book tomorrow (I actually went to 3 bookshops in my lunchbreak today looking for it but none of them had it) and will start to really address why I can't let him ago and still feel so responsible for him after all this time after all he has done to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Boogs
Once again thanks to you all for the posts, they mean a lot to me. Crazy4him your post was bang on. You didn't say anything that I didn't already really know but I was kind of losing sight of things.
I did meet with my manager about it today and she was really supportive. I did tell him that I was going to record it and report his behaviour if it didn't change and he made various threats to me about how he would report me. I said that I had put up with plenty of **** from him but I was not going to be in the position where I am shutting the office door to cry again.
I will start reading my codependent book tomorrow (I actually went to 3 bookshops in my lunchbreak today looking for it but none of them had it) and will start to really address why I can't let him ago and still feel so responsible for him after all this time after all he has done to me.
I did meet with my manager about it today and she was really supportive. I did tell him that I was going to record it and report his behaviour if it didn't change and he made various threats to me about how he would report me. I said that I had put up with plenty of **** from him but I was not going to be in the position where I am shutting the office door to cry again.
I will start reading my codependent book tomorrow (I actually went to 3 bookshops in my lunchbreak today looking for it but none of them had it) and will start to really address why I can't let him ago and still feel so responsible for him after all this time after all he has done to me.
My post was LONG but I can just see so much of myself in your situation and I was trying to say everything I would have needed to hear way back when. Every new peice of info I read about your alkie I got a little more red faced until I was just TYPING. lol Hope it all works out for you! Keep us posted.
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Frustratingly the courier delivering my book just put a card through the door so despite spending £8 on delivery I now have to get to the depot to pick it up on Monday. Instead I have spent some time reading through some of the threads on here and looking up codependency online. Lightbulb moments ahoy!
My Mum had me when she was 16 and for as long as I could remember I was the carer while she went out partying, meeting random men etc. By the age of 6 I was 'Mum' to my younger brother. Years in and out of foster care followed.... I have spent pretty much my whole life looking after everyone else and completely ignoring my own wants and needs. I'm an addicts dream partner really aren't I? Actually no, scrap that, I'm not as I said that enough was enough and challenged him. Hence why now if I'm not his closest allie then I am his worst enemy. I fell for him because I understood his pain and could see the potential of the person that he could be. He isn't that person. He is selfish, cruel and immature.
I am not a bad person. I deserve good things and I deserve to be happy. I will work on myself to ensure that I don't make the same mistakes again and I will be happy again.
My Mum had me when she was 16 and for as long as I could remember I was the carer while she went out partying, meeting random men etc. By the age of 6 I was 'Mum' to my younger brother. Years in and out of foster care followed.... I have spent pretty much my whole life looking after everyone else and completely ignoring my own wants and needs. I'm an addicts dream partner really aren't I? Actually no, scrap that, I'm not as I said that enough was enough and challenged him. Hence why now if I'm not his closest allie then I am his worst enemy. I fell for him because I understood his pain and could see the potential of the person that he could be. He isn't that person. He is selfish, cruel and immature.
I am not a bad person. I deserve good things and I deserve to be happy. I will work on myself to ensure that I don't make the same mistakes again and I will be happy again.
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Originally Posted by Boogs
My Mum had me when she was 16 and for as long as I could remember I was the carer while she went out partying, meeting random men etc. By the age of 6 I was 'Mum' to my younger brother. Years in and out of foster care followed.... I have spent pretty much my whole life looking after everyone else and completely ignoring my own wants and needs. I'm an addicts dream partner really aren't I? Actually no, scrap that, I'm not as I said that enough was enough and challenged him. Hence why now if I'm not his closest allie then I am his worst enemy. I fell for him because I understood his pain and could see the potential of the person that he could be. He isn't that person. He is selfish, cruel and immature.
I am not a bad person. I deserve good things and I deserve to be happy. I will work on myself to ensure that I don't make the same mistakes again and I will be happy again.
I am not a bad person. I deserve good things and I deserve to be happy. I will work on myself to ensure that I don't make the same mistakes again and I will be happy again.
Hi Boogs! This is incredible insight into yourself. WOW
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Thank you. It's like Sandrawg said - old habits are hard to break and I am having to break a lifetime of them. I will get there though, it might be a difficult journey but I know I am strong enough to do this. I will break away from this damn codependency cycle.
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Originally Posted by Boogs
Thanks Sandrawg. I had started stopping trying to constantly work him out for the last few weeks and I'm frustrated that I am back in that mindset.
He looked me in the eyes and said that he doesn't have a drink problem, he said he doesn't drink excessively and is in control of it. He has said this to me a number of times over the years and I think sometimes he honestly believes it. Sometimes I almost believe him myself and I start to wonder if it is all in my head.
I lived with him for 2 years. During that time he would regularly dissapear, turn his phone off and rock up hours later wasted. If he went to the shop for a pint of milk he would usually end up in the pub for a few hours. If he was upset he would end up in the pub, if he was angry he would end up in the pub, if he was happy he would end up in the pub. He did not drink every day and when he did drink it wasn't always excessively. I once suggested that we go for a month without buying beer to see how much money we would save. He agreed and then got some the next day. If we went to a social event he would always be the last one there even if I was begging to go home and he had promised at the start of the night we would not be out long. I remember once he had been into work on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours on his own and the next day he panicked saying we had to go in as he had left a beer bottle in the bin. When I kicked him out last year he went to stay with his drinking buddy and starting taking a sickie most weeks. When he tried to move back in with me for a new start he dissapeared to the pub within 3 days, when we went for a picnic in the country (desperately looking for an activity that wouldn't be near alcohol) he turned up with beer. A year or so back I approached HR to talk to them about how much he was struggling asking them to support him as opposed to punishing him. They lent him money for a deposit for his own place and arranged counselling for him. He now says that work is what is causing all his stress and that they only think he has a drink problem because I told him he had and he doesn't. Does he have a drink problem or am I causing trouble? I really can't believe that I am questioning this having spent the last 3.5 years knowing that he has a problem with drink. I am back to blaming myself again!
He looked me in the eyes and said that he doesn't have a drink problem, he said he doesn't drink excessively and is in control of it. He has said this to me a number of times over the years and I think sometimes he honestly believes it. Sometimes I almost believe him myself and I start to wonder if it is all in my head.
I lived with him for 2 years. During that time he would regularly dissapear, turn his phone off and rock up hours later wasted. If he went to the shop for a pint of milk he would usually end up in the pub for a few hours. If he was upset he would end up in the pub, if he was angry he would end up in the pub, if he was happy he would end up in the pub. He did not drink every day and when he did drink it wasn't always excessively. I once suggested that we go for a month without buying beer to see how much money we would save. He agreed and then got some the next day. If we went to a social event he would always be the last one there even if I was begging to go home and he had promised at the start of the night we would not be out long. I remember once he had been into work on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours on his own and the next day he panicked saying we had to go in as he had left a beer bottle in the bin. When I kicked him out last year he went to stay with his drinking buddy and starting taking a sickie most weeks. When he tried to move back in with me for a new start he dissapeared to the pub within 3 days, when we went for a picnic in the country (desperately looking for an activity that wouldn't be near alcohol) he turned up with beer. A year or so back I approached HR to talk to them about how much he was struggling asking them to support him as opposed to punishing him. They lent him money for a deposit for his own place and arranged counselling for him. He now says that work is what is causing all his stress and that they only think he has a drink problem because I told him he had and he doesn't. Does he have a drink problem or am I causing trouble? I really can't believe that I am questioning this having spent the last 3.5 years knowing that he has a problem with drink. I am back to blaming myself again!
"During that time he would regularly dissapear, turn his phone off and rock up hours later wasted." - My STBEXAH to a tee...6 years for me, sometimes he would disappear for days, if I did get to talk to him, he would say it was all over between us to give him space, get me off his back, then when I had begged and he was ready he would come home and it would be all my fault..me who needed to change their behaviour. I will never forget the sheer frustration, the hundreds of times I would call and he wouldnt answer or phone was off, I used to go nearly insane wonderting where he was, looking for him OMG. Thank you for reminding me of one of the things I am not missing now he is gone... Lilly
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Isn't it mad how alone you feel when you're going through this and then you read the stories on here and so many of them are so similar Lilly?
He would generally do a dissapearing act approx every 3 weeks. He generally wouldn't go for more than 24 hours but you never really knew exatly when it was coming. The day I asked him to leave he had done it 3 times in that week. On the last day it was a real shock (usually I would expect it most times he went out) as we'd had a fantastic morning and he had phoned me 3 times after he went out telling me how much he loved me. It was that day that I realised that my actions and our relationship really had no bearing on his drinking. If he was going to do it he would do it and when he started he wouldn't stop. No more ringing hospitals to see if he'd been in an accident, no more having to explain where he was when he didn't turn up to work and despite the fact that we lived together I didn't have clue ....
What a life
He would generally do a dissapearing act approx every 3 weeks. He generally wouldn't go for more than 24 hours but you never really knew exatly when it was coming. The day I asked him to leave he had done it 3 times in that week. On the last day it was a real shock (usually I would expect it most times he went out) as we'd had a fantastic morning and he had phoned me 3 times after he went out telling me how much he loved me. It was that day that I realised that my actions and our relationship really had no bearing on his drinking. If he was going to do it he would do it and when he started he wouldn't stop. No more ringing hospitals to see if he'd been in an accident, no more having to explain where he was when he didn't turn up to work and despite the fact that we lived together I didn't have clue ....
What a life
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