jehnifer

Not knowing what to do about my emotions and excessive worrying and fear, I finally went for my annual physical and got a prescription for an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. And now I am feeling so much lighter...less worried and fearful. And I laugh more! But despite these measures RAH is still miserable, irritable, and anxious a lot of the time! HA HA It just affects me less!

I guess I'm just wondering about our sense of well-being as individuals as well as the health/dynamic of our relationship. And are things OK?

Freedom1990

So why do you continue to stay with a man who is anxious, irritable, and miserable a lot of the time? What are you getting out of the relationship?

MycoolFitz

Well, you have to look out for yourself first, middle and last. Its not self-centered, its centered on self. You can't control, conjole, console of another's issues but you can let go. You need to decide what you need to do and be for your heath and well being. If your other wants change, reaches out, works for it lives it great! if not, you've still got a sane you tyo look after and do whatever it is you need to do. Aenti-dpressants aren't like sidestream smoke, they don't generate out. You can't give away your happiness but you don't have to accept his misery.

“My chronic ways of reacting to new situations came in patterns that I could see had a history dating from my childhood. I tended to read situations for signs of rejection and then close myself up to forestall it. I could reach out, but then I would withdraw very quickly if I thought I would be disappointed. I was an expert at figuring out what was expected of me and giving people what they wanted, but I did not always acknowledge what I wanted. I was good at playing a supportive role, but I felt like there was too much of me hiding when I did so.”—Mark Epstein, M.D., “Going on Being.

freya

So, you are taking medication in order that you can be "less unhappy" in a relationship with someone who is miserable, irritated/irritating, and anxious????? So that you do not experience the natural feelings that being in such a situation would elicit from a healthy, fully present person -- the feelings that would eventually be painful and/or uncomfortable enough to necessitate change?

The visual I'm getting right now is of someone taking pain meds so that s/he can continue to stick her/his hand in a fire: "Oh, look, my hand is still in the fire and it's still burning up, but it doesn't hurt! Isn't that great???"

I must be missing something here because it seems to me like there is certainly a simpler, saner "solution" to this "problem."

freya

P.S. "It is hardly a sign of good mental health to be well-adjusted in a sick society." -- J. Krishnamurti

LaTeeDa

There was a thread a long time ago about dealbreakers. Maybe I will go find it and bump it up.

What are your dealbreakers? Have you actually thought about it?

For me, I would have to say that if I have to be medicated in order to tolerate a relationship, that would be a dealbreaker.

L

sandrawg

Wow, I don't mean to criticize you but what scares me about this is...you are taking a drug to deal with your stress. Is that not the same thing your RAH is doing??

Why is it any different, just because a doctor prescribed it?

Seems like a band-aid solution to me.

jehnifer

This morning he tells me "Once again you are causing me to get upset. And I look like the bad guy. I tell you over and over again to do such and such and you never ever..." I close my ears. And say very little so as not to cause ruffles. Then my stomach starts churnig and I have to go to the bathroom.

My alanon sponser keeps telling me to let things roll, stay away if I need to, and only worry about living right and pleasing God. To work on my relationship with God and let him deal with himself.

I come here to this site to hear your perspectives. I am soooo grateful for you all here.

jehnifer

Mother Theresa says...

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

Freedom1990

I strongly doubt that Mother Theresa would apply that to a very unhealthy marriage where a daughter is also involved, and exposed to such inappropriate behavior/attitudes.

It saddens me that you don't appear to have any concerns about your daughter being in this environment. I could be wrong, but there's been no mention of your daughter's feelings in all of this other than the time she had a friend over and he blew, and the time she had someone over for supper and he left angry

I also find it very revealing that I have asked you many times what you are getting out of the marriage, and you have never ever answered me.

jehnifer

Thank you freedom for your directness - that is what why I come here. To hear what i need to hear. To be honest...I struggle between understanding what is "my" sickness (people pleaser/conflict avoider/ultra sensitive), what is "normal" in a marriage, and what is beyond reasonable. I really just don't know. All I can say that I know is how I feel emotionally at times. I have been taught that I need to look at myself. Always. And I fing myself going back to the thought that "all" marriages and relationships have stumbling blocks, rough spots, disagreements.

What am I getting? I will try to answer that. Companionship/partnership; structure/order.

jehnifer

PS. Regarding my daughter...I make every effort to ensure she doesn't see or know about his getting upset. If she notices and asks I make light of it, pass it off as "oh thats just him being grumpy." And I also don't talk to her about the issues or give any indication that I am upset in any way.

Freedom1990

Do you think that's a healthy way of handling it-'managing' the situation? You don't have to answer-just food for thought.

She has been affected, whether she expresses it or not. I'm sure she's gotten the picture now that her friends aren't particularly welcome in the home, no?

Shouldn't a home be a warm and loving environment for a child? Shouldn't a child be able to have friends over without the fear of a stepparent becoming angry? Shouldn't a child feel safe in her/his home?

What kind of man would you want your daughter to eventually fall in love with? She will model what she sees in her own home, more than likely.

Again, just food for thought.

laurie6781

Jenn please go over to the Adult Children of A forums and read and read and read. Then come back and let us know if you think this is affecting your daughter or not.

What you have repeatedly described in your posts is NOT

companionship/partnership IT IS CONTROL him controlling you.

structure/order? Nope CONTROL his.

If you do things 'his way' at ALL times he might throw you some crumbs of affection.

Sweetie, this is NOT a marriage. This is JAIL. He is the guard and you and your daughter are the prisoners.

I am sorry if I sound blunt, but hopefully it might get through to you.

You do not have to suffer this way. Please take the leap of faith needed to call your nearest Domestic Violence shelter. This is abuse. Emotional and mental abuse can many times be worse and longer lasting than physical abuse.

Please get some help for you and your daughter. The DV center has many services available to help you, from counseling, finding you housing, getting you legal assistance, etc.

Please also keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Bernadette

PS. Regarding my daughter...I make every effort to ensure she doesn't see or know about his getting upset. If she notices and asks I make light of it, pass it off as "oh thats just him being grumpy." And I also don't talk to her about the issues or give any indication that I am upset in any way.

Yikes Jehnifer!
I think you are teaching her DENIAL!
I know, cuz I once earned a PhD in Denial - learned at my mother's knees!

My sibs and I didn't grow up in a "normal" home because my dad was an alcoholic. But I have worked hard to create a "normal" life for my children and so it includes being firmly in reality.

If I am pissed off or angry I do not hide it from my kids. I had to learn, and in learning, teach my children - that ALL feelings are OK - it is behavior that matters. So if I act out in anger then I need to apologize pronto - if I make decisions based on faulty emotional assumptions I need to correct my course when it is pointed to to me.

It has been hard but important to allow my kids to experience reality- to see me struggle with the difficult emotions of life. But I try to keep them in the reality loop and share my struggles with them....how else will they learn a good example of how to handle negative emotions - in themselves and others?

When family members or friends are around and are acting badly - I never pretend everything is OK!! I stay as calm as possible and call their behavior what it is - exactly what it is>

Example from when my brother would still come to my house unannounced for a visit.

"You're drunk and speaking much to harshly. I have to ask you to leave now."

At my mom's house - to this day - she will just pretend the ugly scene is not happening. She'll try to control a chipper or distracted outcome or mood, lie, deflect.... From where I stand now it is the most bizarre disassociative and unhealthy thing to witness! Creeps me right out.

Jehnifer - if the anti-d's are helping you I'm glad for you - just remember that codependence will WEAR you down and out....and in the case of my mom it ruined some of her very best qualities and remains the biggest barrier to my having the relationship with her I wish I had - a REAL one.

Are you doing some therapy along with those meds?

Good luck-
peace-
b

LaTeeDa

It's very painful for me to read this thread. I'll be 47 this year and I am still dealing with the effects of growing up in a home where dad drank and behaved badly and mom pretended everything was okay. To this day, she still lives in her pretend world. I used to be very angry at her, now I pity her. She never has, and likely never will, live her life to the fullest. She settles for what she has and pretends it isn't so bad.

This is what I learned from her example, and this is how I spent nearly 20 years of my life. I only hope that my children don't repeat the cycle. That the 'new' me impacts their life more than the 'old' me did.

It's so sad to see the pattern passed from generation to generation.........

L

smacked

Perpetuating a cycle..

Jehn, I wont sugar coat it. I think this is terrible. If you want to and choose to get treated like poo on the bottom of a shoe, that's one thing.. but to teach your next generation that it's ok to be treated like trash, and to just ignore it and fake happiness is setting her up to live your life, all over again. How could you want that for her?

Just terrible.

jehnifer

ouch.

OK, I hear ya.

I am glad I've been honest with you all.

Even though I know I'm not, I feel trapped. (and also mad at myself... but I do know better than to go there!)

Please be patient with me.

I really appreciate the responses.

laurie6781

Of course you feel 'trapped.'

This didn't happen over night. Usually it is a gradual progression, and before you know it, you are walking on egg shells ALL the time and nothing is ever right in their eyes any more (a great way at gaining control of another's emotional and mental well being).

So it's not going to magically go away.

Maybe one small teeny step you could do for you and your daughter, today is to make that call to the nearest DV center and see about getting some help.

You can do this, one teeny step at a time.

Love and hugs,

Learn2Live

I appreciate everything everyone is saying on their posts here. I too have experienced pretty much all the same things everybody has recounted in this string. And I agree that all that sickness and dysfunction get passed on from generation to generation and it's not a particularly healthy family life. And no, it's not the best life to live. But I lived it and I'm grateful my parents stayed together, and I'm a better person for all of it.

Not everything was horrible about my childhood. My Dad was drunk most of the time, yes, and we went through pretty much all the stereotypical problems of alcoholic families. But my Dad is not an ogre or a monster; he had some very good ways as a father. He loved us all very much and did the best he could do with all he had been through in his life and all he had to work with. He was a much better parent and father than many of the parents I hear about every day. Even when someone is an alcoholic, you, even as a child, can understand whether or not they are a good person and have a good heart.

My Mother was never in denial and always explained to us kids what was really going on with Dad. We always KNEW he did not drink because of us. We always KNEW that his anger and inappropriate behavior were (1) inappropriate and (2) not our fault. She always reminded us how much Dad loved us and that his behavior did not mean that he didn't. She showed us that they (love vs behavior) are two entirely separate issues. Yes, Mom could have had a much better marriage and an easier life than she had (& still has) but leaving my Dad was (1) financially impossible for her with six kids and (2) against her values and morals.

It is beneficial to hear what other people have done, the decisions they made, and how far they have come from focusing on themselves and what is healthiest for them. But Jehnifer, remember, you have to make your own decisions about your life, your marriage, and your children. We all go at our own pace, and come to our own decisions according to our own timeline. We have to base our decisions on who we are, who our spouses and chldren are, our own desires, situations, self-esteem, health, etc. Some of us are stronger in ways that some of us are not. A relationship or a marriage is not the only thing in life.

I can only encourage people to do the best they can, stay true to themselves (which includes their OWN values and morals), and allow themselves time to think and observe and KNOW before making major decisions.

I hope that this post does not sound offensive or otherwise devaluing of other people's posts, feelings, advice, etc. I do not mean it that way and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone.

Learn2Live

Just wanted to add my feedback to Jehnifer's first post. That is excellent that you went for your physical! I'm so glad that you are taking care of your health, both physical and emotional. I also am on anti-depressants and other mental health medications, but that is no indication that I take these meds to continue to be in bad relationships. The bad relationships, both with addicted people and non-addicted people, exacerbated my existing emotional and mental health issues. I have always needed these meds just didn't know until now.

It is sad to hear that your AH is still miserable, irritable and anxious most of the time. My Dad who is alcoholic is that same way. I hope soon your husband will get sober for himself and start taking better care of his physical and emotional health. I find that when I am with a friend who is feeling bad physically and emotionally, it's often helpful to be as physically active and healthy as I can; and that is encouraging to the other person.

I'm so glad that you are not in the same position as he is and that you're taking care of yourself and reaching out for help in so many ways (going to doctor, joining this support group, etc). Social support is so very important and I'm glad for all of you here!

p.s. Can someone tell me what "RAH" means? Thanks!