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I guess so. That does make me feel rather better about breaking up...I think I've been afraid of all the 'mother blame' that can go on when a mother instigates a separation. Esp. from his family who are all in denial about his problem (and his dad has a bit of a problem himself, though not on such a scale), and see me as the unconventional 'New-Ager'...sigh. I'll just have to deal with it one thing at a time.
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Originally Posted by TakingTime 
I got home yesterday after meeting my sponsor and doing some errands, to catch him in the act of smoking a joint (while in charge of our son). Totally unacceptable in my book, and something I've caught him doing more than once before - at night when our son was in bed, though - spoken to him about, and of course nothing changes. He of course denied it, then wheedled around and made up more crap when it became apparent denial wouldn't work. I was calm, but it was good b/c it really confirmed for me that I'm doing the right thing and he can't be trusted. The fact that he could sit there and justify to me, being under the influence of an illegal drug while looking after our son (And his alcoholic, really no-good friend had been round, which I've said I don't like around our son)...ugh.
See the two parts I've bolded? How is it totally unacceptable to you yet you've caught him doing it plenty of times before? If he's done it before and there have been no consequences to that behaviour then it becomes acceptable behaviour, does it not?
What I'm saying is your BF has no reason to change. He knows you won't like his behavior and does it anyway knowing you'll do nothing except maybe moan/nag for a while.
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TakingTime,
Good for you for having a goal to separate and reassess. It's obvious he does not intend to change, and it's obvious he's willing to put his child in danger. Doesn't sound like much of a "catch" to me -- I'd be tossing that back (sorry) Maybe it's time to get a babysitter from now on. Better safe than sorry.
Between now and then, definitely get your ducks in a row -- financially, physically, mentally -- and prepare to replace the so-called "indispensible" things he does. You may find him not so indispensible after all. I know I did.
Hugs to you & your little one,
GL
Good for you for having a goal to separate and reassess. It's obvious he does not intend to change, and it's obvious he's willing to put his child in danger. Doesn't sound like much of a "catch" to me -- I'd be tossing that back (sorry) Maybe it's time to get a babysitter from now on. Better safe than sorry.
Between now and then, definitely get your ducks in a row -- financially, physically, mentally -- and prepare to replace the so-called "indispensible" things he does. You may find him not so indispensible after all. I know I did.
Hugs to you & your little one,
GL
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takingtime-
i wouldn't worry about the impressions of his family...they don't live with him. perhaps if you break up, they will get a taste of what your living thru as he might have to rely more on them once his enabler leaves.
do what's right for you and your son, and if that makes you an unconventional new ager, well so be it!
i wouldn't worry about the impressions of his family...they don't live with him. perhaps if you break up, they will get a taste of what your living thru as he might have to rely more on them once his enabler leaves.
do what's right for you and your son, and if that makes you an unconventional new ager, well so be it!
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Thanks for the support. I've been reading 'Co dependent no more' over the past two days and wow...is it ringing bells with me. I never really 'got' until now that I have problems/patterns that attract me into these situations and keep me there, but now I can really see it... adaptive behaviours I developed from living with my violent, unpredictable and possibly alcoholic father. I feel really motivated and excited to make changes in these patterns, now that I feel I understand myself more.
TheMissus, yes, you're right - it's all about words vs action, I think - and it doesn't matter what he says he won't do or what I 'nag' him about, things haven't changed, and that does give a message that something is implicitly acceptable.
Somehow he always has a way of twisting things round to make it sound like I'm the unreasonable one, that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to leave because of things as 'trivial' as him smoking a joint when looking after our son, or any of the other things he does. Because of my lack of trust in my own intuition and in my right to live in a trustworthy environment, I always either just backed down and gave up, or got angry and he then just switched off anyway.
Today we all went to a lunch at some work friends of his (and acquaintances of mine - we used to work together) and it dawned on me that I don't like one.single.one. of his friends. All of them are out of touch with themselves, with other people, show no interest in anyone else but themselves, and almost all appear to be alcoholics or dysfunctional in some other way. How this didn't ring big alarm bells for me before, I don't know - well, it did, but again, I shrugged it off.
I feel really good, and excited about not doing these things anymore. I will not be going to these gatherings any more where I don't really want to be there. Once again, he just assumed I was going and didn't even ask if I wanted to go - and how weird that I didn't just say 'no, I don't feel like it'. I guess b/c I'm still learning how I really feel about things.
Anyway, it's a process. Thanks for listening everyone.
TheMissus, yes, you're right - it's all about words vs action, I think - and it doesn't matter what he says he won't do or what I 'nag' him about, things haven't changed, and that does give a message that something is implicitly acceptable.
Somehow he always has a way of twisting things round to make it sound like I'm the unreasonable one, that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to leave because of things as 'trivial' as him smoking a joint when looking after our son, or any of the other things he does. Because of my lack of trust in my own intuition and in my right to live in a trustworthy environment, I always either just backed down and gave up, or got angry and he then just switched off anyway.
Today we all went to a lunch at some work friends of his (and acquaintances of mine - we used to work together) and it dawned on me that I don't like one.single.one. of his friends. All of them are out of touch with themselves, with other people, show no interest in anyone else but themselves, and almost all appear to be alcoholics or dysfunctional in some other way. How this didn't ring big alarm bells for me before, I don't know - well, it did, but again, I shrugged it off.
I feel really good, and excited about not doing these things anymore. I will not be going to these gatherings any more where I don't really want to be there. Once again, he just assumed I was going and didn't even ask if I wanted to go - and how weird that I didn't just say 'no, I don't feel like it'. I guess b/c I'm still learning how I really feel about things.
Anyway, it's a process. Thanks for listening everyone.
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it is best not to do things out of obligation or habit. good on you for recognizing that you don't enjoy these people's company and next time, you won't go hang out with them.
i've let a lot of people fade away these past few months...primarily, my xABFs drinking buddies. a few of them i kinda like but the reality is, that the conversation is only good for the first hour and then, once they start getting plastered, i get bored with them repeating themselves, getting over exhuberant, talking louder and louder, monopolizing conversations with monologues, hanging on me, kissing me, buying me drinks i've said i don't want, and on and on.
i've let a lot of people fade away these past few months...primarily, my xABFs drinking buddies. a few of them i kinda like but the reality is, that the conversation is only good for the first hour and then, once they start getting plastered, i get bored with them repeating themselves, getting over exhuberant, talking louder and louder, monopolizing conversations with monologues, hanging on me, kissing me, buying me drinks i've said i don't want, and on and on.
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My daughter suffered from undiagnosed Post Natal Depression for over 2 years, and her husband did little but whinge and whine at her for not being her usual organised self. She couldn't understand why his behavior had changed so much, as he wasn't drinking any more than before and is not an A, or heavy drinker. Even when she improved this past few months after getting treatment nothing changed for the better, and her 2 small boys were feeling the strain and also acting up.
Three months ago she discovered H had been smoking pot, and things clicked into place for her. He refuses to stop as he denies it has changed him in any way, so she and the boys left the next day. They stayed with a friend until she rented a unit, (a big change from her lovely home) and moved in.
She says that her boys are the most important part of her life and do not deserve to be walking on eggshells, and living in fear of an angry dad. It isn't easy for her, but she is much happier without the constant stress and strain she had before.
I can see the difference in her and in my grandsons, who are back to polite, happy kids.
Three months ago she discovered H had been smoking pot, and things clicked into place for her. He refuses to stop as he denies it has changed him in any way, so she and the boys left the next day. They stayed with a friend until she rented a unit, (a big change from her lovely home) and moved in.
She says that her boys are the most important part of her life and do not deserve to be walking on eggshells, and living in fear of an angry dad. It isn't easy for her, but she is much happier without the constant stress and strain she had before.
I can see the difference in her and in my grandsons, who are back to polite, happy kids.
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Jadmack25, thanks for sharing that. Your daughter sounds very strong. Smoking weed, while not as large a problem as the drinking for ABF, has caused problems in our relat before, and makes him distant, un-empathic and, I think, depressed overall. Basically, what it all boils down to is unpredictability. I'm still struggling with feeling my leaving is completely 'justified' b/c he isn't abusive, directly at least. It's hard to feel that the benefits of leaving will definitely outweigh the negatives.
Naive, thanks for the empathy. I have had a lot of people move out of my life too because they were still drinking or drugging heavily, and it was sad at the time but now I just look back and can't believe how long I hung on.
I told him today that I'm planning to get my own place. I hadn't been intending to do so yet, b/c I need his co-operation in order to get my residency (and therefore be eligible for govt support when I move out) - as he's my financial support I need to show his bank statements etc. But anyway, I ended up telling him b/c he was going on about wanting to get an engagement ring (we have been 'engaged' for ages, but I've had no intention of getting married for quite some time) for himself, to signal his commitment, and talking about making changes to our financial affairs so I have even more control and he can't abuse it. This all came out b/c today he again 'stole' money from my account when he went down the shop to get groceries. (yes, I know, but it just isn't practical for me always to do all the shopping - I try!) Of course he had a 'rational' reason for it - it was to replace work petty cash money he'd just 'lost' (yeah right!), but the main thing is he didn't ask me or tell me beforehand, It's unbelievable!
Still, I feel sad. He's outside smoking now, all down, after telling me I'm 'ruining our son's self esteem' by leaving. I know there's going to be a lot of that. I guess I'm just going to have to go through all the stages of the grief process, no backing out of it!
Naive, thanks for the empathy. I have had a lot of people move out of my life too because they were still drinking or drugging heavily, and it was sad at the time but now I just look back and can't believe how long I hung on.
I told him today that I'm planning to get my own place. I hadn't been intending to do so yet, b/c I need his co-operation in order to get my residency (and therefore be eligible for govt support when I move out) - as he's my financial support I need to show his bank statements etc. But anyway, I ended up telling him b/c he was going on about wanting to get an engagement ring (we have been 'engaged' for ages, but I've had no intention of getting married for quite some time) for himself, to signal his commitment, and talking about making changes to our financial affairs so I have even more control and he can't abuse it. This all came out b/c today he again 'stole' money from my account when he went down the shop to get groceries. (yes, I know, but it just isn't practical for me always to do all the shopping - I try!) Of course he had a 'rational' reason for it - it was to replace work petty cash money he'd just 'lost' (yeah right!), but the main thing is he didn't ask me or tell me beforehand, It's unbelievable!
Still, I feel sad. He's outside smoking now, all down, after telling me I'm 'ruining our son's self esteem' by leaving. I know there's going to be a lot of that. I guess I'm just going to have to go through all the stages of the grief process, no backing out of it!
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taking time-
really, does an adult man need a woman to manage his finances? i don't need anyone to manage mine, do you?
i found that after living with an addict for awhile, if he did something that regular people do all the time (like pay car insurance or rent on time), i was like Wow!
that's a lame excuse for stealing your money again...wonder what he needed the work petty cash fund for?
i'm delighted to hear your moving out...maybe it'll be a wake up call for your addict...it was for mine. but independent of that, you and your son can have a peaceful home again.
leaving is the most dangerous/difficult time, so if i was you, i'd make most of my plans without involving him too much....line up your ducks and make your move quickly once you are able...
mine got violent when i left. just a warning.
naive
really, does an adult man need a woman to manage his finances? i don't need anyone to manage mine, do you?
i found that after living with an addict for awhile, if he did something that regular people do all the time (like pay car insurance or rent on time), i was like Wow!
that's a lame excuse for stealing your money again...wonder what he needed the work petty cash fund for?
i'm delighted to hear your moving out...maybe it'll be a wake up call for your addict...it was for mine. but independent of that, you and your son can have a peaceful home again.
leaving is the most dangerous/difficult time, so if i was you, i'd make most of my plans without involving him too much....line up your ducks and make your move quickly once you are able...
mine got violent when i left. just a warning.
naive
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Thanks. Yes I will be careful as I can. I don't think he'd get violent but I guess you never know. I do need to wait a bit as I literally have NO money right now, but that's what I'm working on by getting my residency sorted and so on. My mom's gonna phone me from home this week and discuss her helping me to get the money.
Anyway gotta go
Anyway gotta go
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How to deal with the guilt trips
I'm staying quite strong but do have doubts creeping in...not helped by the fact DP, is predictably, on 'best behaviour' since the news. He is also saying 'guilt trip-py' things like 'You'll ruin his self esteem for life' (our son) by doing this; 'His speech development will regress to autistic levels when his dad gets kicked out' etc...
It is hard b/c DS really does love him and even finds leaving him at bedtime sad sometimes. So how is he gonna feel when he's not around except for visits etc? Which I don't intend to limit, but obviously will have to be when he is sober.
Spent some time today looking at the legal rights aspect of things, and child support payments etc. Also rang bout a job but it was already gone. ANd booked my 'knowledge of life in the U.K.' test which is the first step to getting my residency. I'm also strongly considering just staying here and having him move out, and perhaps getting a housemate for the other room to cut costs. But in a way it feels like it might be good for me to be on my own for a while and gather my self.
It is hard b/c DS really does love him and even finds leaving him at bedtime sad sometimes. So how is he gonna feel when he's not around except for visits etc? Which I don't intend to limit, but obviously will have to be when he is sober.
Spent some time today looking at the legal rights aspect of things, and child support payments etc. Also rang bout a job but it was already gone. ANd booked my 'knowledge of life in the U.K.' test which is the first step to getting my residency. I'm also strongly considering just staying here and having him move out, and perhaps getting a housemate for the other room to cut costs. But in a way it feels like it might be good for me to be on my own for a while and gather my self.
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taking time-
are you sure you're not entitled to benefits?
i don't know what country you are from, but my friend from germany came to the UK and her man (and father to her 4 children) abandoned her here and she immediately qualified for a house and all benefits.
have you gone to the jobseekers office and asked them about your particular situation?
naive
are you sure you're not entitled to benefits?
i don't know what country you are from, but my friend from germany came to the UK and her man (and father to her 4 children) abandoned her here and she immediately qualified for a house and all benefits.
have you gone to the jobseekers office and asked them about your particular situation?
naive
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Yes, I'm sure...it stipulates on my passport 'no access to public funds', but once I get residency that restriction is lifted. Even if I did try to claim without my residency, that would then jeopardise my likelihood of being awarded residency because of breaking an immigration rule. Someone from Germany is part of the European Union so it's a different situation - they are immediately 'part of the system' here. I don't want to identify where I'm from for obvious reasons,but it's not in the European Union.Thanks for the suggestion though.
I feel really good this morning. I realised that I'd been waking up in the morning for quite some time, feeling unmotivated and down before I'd even started. Weirdly, the last few days I feel totally different.
I feel really good this morning. I realised that I'd been waking up in the morning for quite some time, feeling unmotivated and down before I'd even started. Weirdly, the last few days I feel totally different.
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glad to hear you are feeling good this morning. for myself, once i started moving in the right direction, i didn't feel as trapped or depressed. it takes time but just keep turning it over to your higher power, and trust!
one last idea on your immigration status. i am from america, however, my father was british. i was able to claim british citizenship through birthright. this law applies as far back as grandparents who held a british passport at any time. if there is such a grandparent on either side of your family, you could claim it also.
just a shot in the dark...
one last idea on your immigration status. i am from america, however, my father was british. i was able to claim british citizenship through birthright. this law applies as far back as grandparents who held a british passport at any time. if there is such a grandparent on either side of your family, you could claim it also.
just a shot in the dark...
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Originally Posted by naive
glad to hear you are feeling good this morning. for myself, once i started moving in the right direction, i didn't feel as trapped or depressed. it takes time but just keep turning it over to your higher power, and trust!
one last idea on your immigration status. i am from america, however, my father was british. i was able to claim british citizenship through birthright. this law applies as far back as grandparents who held a british passport at any time. if there is such a grandparent on either side of your family, you could claim it also.
just a shot in the dark...
one last idea on your immigration status. i am from america, however, my father was british. i was able to claim british citizenship through birthright. this law applies as far back as grandparents who held a british passport at any time. if there is such a grandparent on either side of your family, you could claim it also.
just a shot in the dark...
As for my immigration situation, thanks for the suggestion, I am actually only here because of my British grandfather, which is why I had a visa and am now eligible for applying for residency. But that's as far as it goes - I still have to go through the procedure. BUT huge great news, is my mom phoned me last night and said she and my dad are transferring to me all the money I need for the residency application. I'm so grateful! Sometimes you just have to reach out and ask, even if it 's scary/humbling!
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hello taking time-
that's great!
i found that once i started reaching out, the help started pouring in and things really started moving.
now, i'm not sure that the residency application is necessary. what i did was i applied for a british passport, providing the docs that proved my birthright (which were my birth certificate, my fathers, parent's marriage certificate)...
you'd have to chain it back to your grandparents.
if they award you a passport, that's all you require.
when i came to the uk, i merely showed my british passport and was assigned a national insurance number and also a social security number. and that was it! i've worked here also and there were no problems. plus, i'm eligible for benefits.
if i was you, i'd apply for a passport. just go to the postoffice and get an application. worth a shot and might save you some funds.
PM me if you have any questions.
naive
that's great!
i found that once i started reaching out, the help started pouring in and things really started moving.
now, i'm not sure that the residency application is necessary. what i did was i applied for a british passport, providing the docs that proved my birthright (which were my birth certificate, my fathers, parent's marriage certificate)...
you'd have to chain it back to your grandparents.
if they award you a passport, that's all you require.
when i came to the uk, i merely showed my british passport and was assigned a national insurance number and also a social security number. and that was it! i've worked here also and there were no problems. plus, i'm eligible for benefits.
if i was you, i'd apply for a passport. just go to the postoffice and get an application. worth a shot and might save you some funds.
PM me if you have any questions.
naive
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Thanks. You do get a British passport through a father or mother, but sadly not through grandparents - I've looked into it before, and the only thing ancestry that far back entitled me to was a 4 year visa, now extended to 8 years. I can only apply for a passport once I have my indefinite leave to remain (permanent residence), which I'm now getting the ball rolling with - then after living here another year, I can get the passport. But one has to come before the other in my case. It'll be pretty 'automatic' though, I think.
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BUT huge great news, is my mom phoned me last night and said she and my dad are transferring to me all the money I need for the residency application. I'm so grateful! Sometimes you just have to reach out and ask, even if it 's scary/humbling!
It's humbling and scary for me too.
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Thanks, GiveLove. The atmosphere has completely changed at home and is much more peaceful now that I'm only engaging with him as necessary. I realised that I was putting so much effort into something that was destructive for me, and not being true to myself in a lot of things I said, going along with his negativity and so on. I feel more like 'myself' already, and I'm still here. It really feels different this time from previous attempted break ups. I told him I'm not going to discuss my decision anymore, which helps I think.
Today I've been reading 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which was recommended elsewhere on this forum, and it's really confirmed my intuition to leave. Even without the alcohol as such, in fact, the issues of his lack of interest in my life and my interests, his dishonesty, and the way he usually talks about other people (rarely anything good to say), fly in the face of the person I'm trying to be, the relationship I'd like to have, and the kind of life I want to live. It's been hard to let go because of the whole 'but I love him' thing, but I'm starting to realise that the 'love' wasn't coming from such a healthy place either, if it was ever real at all. There were problems in our relat right from the start, and it's just taken me so long to realise they weren't going to just get better. It's hard not to kick myself, but I'll try!
Today I've been reading 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which was recommended elsewhere on this forum, and it's really confirmed my intuition to leave. Even without the alcohol as such, in fact, the issues of his lack of interest in my life and my interests, his dishonesty, and the way he usually talks about other people (rarely anything good to say), fly in the face of the person I'm trying to be, the relationship I'd like to have, and the kind of life I want to live. It's been hard to let go because of the whole 'but I love him' thing, but I'm starting to realise that the 'love' wasn't coming from such a healthy place either, if it was ever real at all. There were problems in our relat right from the start, and it's just taken me so long to realise they weren't going to just get better. It's hard not to kick myself, but I'll try!
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I am reading it too! Same with me - big fat ringing bells - lol! And I'm excited to make the changes she discusses.
It would be great if we had a reading group on the forum, don't you think? We could all share info about books that help us.
I felt the same way about my exabf's friends. Oh man. They're all users, alcoholics, dealers...shouldn't that have smacked me dead in the face? You'd think. D-OH. Like attracts like. One of them is in the latter stages of alcoholism and I think they kept him around to make themselves look better by comparison (as in "I'm not an alcoholic, look at HIM"). Ugh.
It would be great if we had a reading group on the forum, don't you think? We could all share info about books that help us.
I felt the same way about my exabf's friends. Oh man. They're all users, alcoholics, dealers...shouldn't that have smacked me dead in the face? You'd think. D-OH. Like attracts like. One of them is in the latter stages of alcoholism and I think they kept him around to make themselves look better by comparison (as in "I'm not an alcoholic, look at HIM"). Ugh.
Originally Posted by TakingTime
Thanks for the support. I've been reading 'Co dependent no more' over the past two days and wow...is it ringing bells with me. I never really 'got' until now that I have problems/patterns that attract me into these situations and keep me there, but now I can really see it... adaptive behaviours I developed from living with my violent, unpredictable and possibly alcoholic father. I feel really motivated and excited to make changes in these patterns, now that I feel I understand myself more.
TheMissus, yes, you're right - it's all about words vs action, I think - and it doesn't matter what he says he won't do or what I 'nag' him about, things haven't changed, and that does give a message that something is implicitly acceptable.
Somehow he always has a way of twisting things round to make it sound like I'm the unreasonable one, that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to leave because of things as 'trivial' as him smoking a joint when looking after our son, or any of the other things he does. Because of my lack of trust in my own intuition and in my right to live in a trustworthy environment, I always either just backed down and gave up, or got angry and he then just switched off anyway.
Today we all went to a lunch at some work friends of his (and acquaintances of mine - we used to work together) and it dawned on me that I don't like one.single.one. of his friends. All of them are out of touch with themselves, with other people, show no interest in anyone else but themselves, and almost all appear to be alcoholics or dysfunctional in some other way. How this didn't ring big alarm bells for me before, I don't know - well, it did, but again, I shrugged it off.
I feel really good, and excited about not doing these things anymore. I will not be going to these gatherings any more where I don't really want to be there. Once again, he just assumed I was going and didn't even ask if I wanted to go - and how weird that I didn't just say 'no, I don't feel like it'. I guess b/c I'm still learning how I really feel about things.
Anyway, it's a process. Thanks for listening everyone.
TheMissus, yes, you're right - it's all about words vs action, I think - and it doesn't matter what he says he won't do or what I 'nag' him about, things haven't changed, and that does give a message that something is implicitly acceptable.
Somehow he always has a way of twisting things round to make it sound like I'm the unreasonable one, that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to leave because of things as 'trivial' as him smoking a joint when looking after our son, or any of the other things he does. Because of my lack of trust in my own intuition and in my right to live in a trustworthy environment, I always either just backed down and gave up, or got angry and he then just switched off anyway.
Today we all went to a lunch at some work friends of his (and acquaintances of mine - we used to work together) and it dawned on me that I don't like one.single.one. of his friends. All of them are out of touch with themselves, with other people, show no interest in anyone else but themselves, and almost all appear to be alcoholics or dysfunctional in some other way. How this didn't ring big alarm bells for me before, I don't know - well, it did, but again, I shrugged it off.
I feel really good, and excited about not doing these things anymore. I will not be going to these gatherings any more where I don't really want to be there. Once again, he just assumed I was going and didn't even ask if I wanted to go - and how weird that I didn't just say 'no, I don't feel like it'. I guess b/c I'm still learning how I really feel about things.
Anyway, it's a process. Thanks for listening everyone.
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