TakingCharge999

After weeks of pouring storms, yesterday and today have been sunny days once again, it has been so wonderful and incredible to feel the sun again... mostly because yesterday I had all day to obsess and I DIDN'T.

I had a really great time at home, thinking about my plans and my family, about how lucky I am to have so many friends even if they are far away.
A few are really funny and we have an Ongoing Commentary on Life and Popular Culture, its hysterical. I realize there is Life Out There again !!!!!

It ALL finally started sinking in...

I really started realizing how ridiculous it is to think the new lovers of my ex have anything to do with me. How ridiculous was to feel bad in comparison to her!! And how ridiculous it is to think I "should have known better".

There was just no way I could tell he was not a social drinker but an alcoholic. For me, drinking was, and still is not a big deal.

I had no way to suspect it WAS a big deal for him. I had no way to know he would become verbally abusive.

I carried the guilt too much time and yesterday it just struck me: I could not have said or done anything different to prevent HIS abuse. And it is HIS only. I no longer carry that. It is H I S. Not mine. If he sees it for what it is, or keeps saying "I don't remember", or drowns it in his whiskey, none of those "escapes" deny the fact he is an abuser, and a heavy drinker at best.

I just started to believe in myself and I realize I have been fooled by my own self hatred voices. As the Papa roach song kv pasted says, "the scars are real because the hurt is real" what he did was real, not something I made up in my imagination to suffer endlessly.

I have been remembering how it was like to be subject to his insults and criticism and I was able to PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK and say hey

1 you had an idea of someone
2 he turned out to be abusive
3 you left
4 life has sucked ever since but you are not going back even if they paid you $100000000000000 dollars so you have learned there is nothing there for you and you are not looking back


WAY TO GO. I remember the last times we cuddled, in our strange love-hate relation by the end, I thought "if I do not leave now, I will NEVER leave" and my gut feeling said RUN RUN RUN NOW, RUN RUN RUN don't walk RUN

He was just too charming and "nice". Now I realize we all say "he was very special, absolutely charming, perfect really.." well I think they have to act that way in order to keep us hooked. Because if they acted like a normal guy, we would leave easier, we wouldn't be fooled or put up with the lies.. its that "terminal uniqueness" that hooks us too into believing they are The One.

I realize he is not evil or wanted to hurt me, he just gives what he has inside, hatred, destruction, unsolved issues- (like I brought, well at least the unsolved issues) I used to think he was doing things in purpose, it certainly seemed that way but I think he is immersed so much in his alcohol that he just does not notice anything around him that goes beyond himself and his particular moods and desires..

It's the "they just do what addicts do" that is really sinking now.

And I call him an addict now. When my mind roams freely I just think "He is an addict. It is what they do. Destroy. That's the modus operandi, with you, without you. ADDICT.


X person said: "he has been like that since I knew him, years ago"

Y person said: "I have talked to him about this problem many times, believe me, he does not listen"

Z person said: "I do not know if he is an alcoholic, but he sure is on his way to be"

So its not only me, I did not imagine anything, the problem was very real and still is very real regardless of how many people enable him or say "hohoho he is just young" and "yeah he drinks too much, by the way we are going to this new bar...". Regardless of how glorified and accepted alcohol is.

Victim> Crying Mess> Survivor>Target that moved out of harm's way>new TC

I was checking my "inventory" of relations and yup,

• there was the genius, the coldest person on Earth well I just HAD to know what made him tick,
  
• the pretentious, rich guy who was a grinch hated by many... but ME, of course I was the only one who saw his good traits...
  
• a drug addict, I was FASCINATED by him..

A long string of emotionally unavailable people and then this sick obsession with an alcoholic.

Its true we are the same as they are. Well. Sorry to generalize. I am the same as they are. I do not notice anything until I am way too deep. For instance, when did I spend 9 months living suffering because of someone else's doings??? I had never became this sick or obsessed.

It is not only about this last person but the cycles, this last person was just the "bottom", the last bead, but this has been cooking for years... my insanity.

I realize I am perfectly OK, got many talents, qualities and I am honestly starting to believe it was his loss, granted I got many character defects but I am a very good person, my heart is huge and this is something to be proud of, not something to feel inferior about.

Its really true that I was not going to be his punching bag and he had to look elsewhere. Why would I feel bad or envious. Quite the contrary I am ready to celebrate I am OUT.

I realize I believed him when he said "it did not go as planned, we can just learn and not repeat the same mistakes" :rotfxko yeah sure you "learned" everything in one day and are not drinking anymore :rotfxko how could I be manipulated so much??

I realize I have been sick thinking he just acts selfishly without consequences but now I realize his consequence already struck him. Do you see me anywhere around him? I like to think about his drunken outings and me no longer being there.

I like to think about his drunken insults and me no longer being there to listen and to believe his cr*p.

That is a consequence, for him now a blessing but he already lost something he will never get again (ME!) and his twisted view won't change the facts about what he did. I felt like carrying the burden 100% but now that ironically, I realized my own shortcomings,I was able to give him back all his trash.... and it was a lot.

I am feeling one step closer to indifference and I hope this lasts....

°_° its like I am just opening my eyes to the reality and perfection of these events...



.......

Yesterday my boyfriend spent the night and he was very very quiet, he doesn't snore, he held my hand and hugged me during the night, telling me why I was so pretty, etc etc very tenderly.

I realized I am no longer looking for a father instead of a partner and I realized I will never ever ever feel as alone as I have felt before... this idea gives me so much joy.

I see my boyfriend and I really feel he can be a partner in life, not a father or anything, just a partner walking next to me, not further, not behind, an equal, a friend.

It felt strange to have someone dependable next to me and I feel very different, yesterday I made some french toast and saw the eggshells LOL and was really moved about how far I have come. I guess someone up there is dancing saying "good she finally got it, we were running out of losers to send her way for her to pick up the worst one" LOL

I know there is still some victimism and resentment in these words but guys this is what I got now.

bookwyrm

JenT1968

yep, you do rock, thank you for that, very powerful and inciteful post, lots of lightbulbs going in my head.

Jadmack25

TC, I can only think of one word for your post here.

WOW!!!!

alwaysthinking2

AMAZING post. Thank you, TC.

BlueMoon

h u g s

TakingCharge999

Thanks friends, for anyone out there stuck in grief, shock, anger, all of the above, I can tell you it gets better.... these thoughts come as a breath of fresh air, I thought I would never get out from those feelings but it seems I was able to get some clarity...

Now I know why everybody here insists on focusing on YOU, sometimes I am able to enjoy MY LIFE, what I HAVE and is MINE and mine only, MY success and progress and I think "wow I have been really bad to myself, why don't I do X more often? why did I believe Y if it was obviously a lie? why do I doubt my decisions so much? they have proved to bring good things"

I can't thank you all enough for sharing your stories and wisdom, it is such an eye opener when you realize what we discuss here all the time is TRUE... when I see the kind of friends I have now and the kind of guy I attracted, granted its not perfect but it is so wonderful when you are able to recognize your inner changes shape your reality and prepare you to enjoy things you took for granted before...

In 2 days I am off to France, finally a week without feeling anxious about running into F. and getting out of this context, I cannot wait. I hope I can hang in there by myself without meds, I was thinking about how much it will cost me$$ and I think ugghhh with that money I can invite the new guy to a weekend somewhere else, or something, but well maybe I just trust what an expert says..... sigh!!

I envy the ones that do not have to run into their ex's, it sucks so much, I know I would heal faster without contact, but well at least I am getting there

:ghug2

TakingCharge999

LOL my comment about someone not snoring, I recall xabf snoring and I unable to sleep all night, that is something I do not miss !! And I recall in our past home there was a bar just infront and during the weekends it was very noisy. 3 children live at the house infront, they were extremely noisy too... and what about the 2 roomates, party guys 100%..

I am one of those people that tend to give 'alternative therapies' a chance and I can tell you this Bach flowers treatment has delivered. I was given something to remember, remember EVERYTHING not what I selectively remembered to feel bad and see it all as it had happened a lot of time ago... an

Perhaps its suggestion, I don't know but I am very thankful those flowers are working for me and are much cheaper, do not make me sleepy, like antidepressants do.

Lately I arrive to my apartment, with STILL SILENCE and I tell this to myself "tell me TC, tell me you are not cared for, tell me you were better where you were. Look at all these things you got, look at these people close to you, your next trip, and tell me you are miserable, that there is no love around you.. that you are not loved"

covington

How true,

And I'm thinking yeah, it didn't go as planned, and I learned that want a do-over--I want a new guy! And Hurrah for a nice quiet apartment full of peace and satisfaction. It sounded like the scariest thing in the world, not having drama to focus on all the time, but it turned out to be f a n t a s t i c! Loved the post.

TakingCharge999

I just overheard the ex talking very excited about a new bar!!

How naive for me to think my leaving his life would have any effect. He seems as content as ever, talking about "free drinks yesterday" as if he was a winner. Yup, drinking on Monday, made me remember it was odd, the day he did not drink.

I did not stay in my place to overhear his drinking plans. I went to climb the stairs, 5 floors, helped a little with the anger. I came back, he was still there with some common friends (I do not speak to them any longer), so I went to the bathroom... just let time pass.. I came out, he was still there. It was strange with all his circle of friends, I did not even turn my head, just went straight ahead as if they were strangers..

As another poster says here... "same planet, different worlds"

luciddreamrgrl

I feel so inspired by you! thanks!

MeHandle

I'm celebrating this TC!!!!!!!!!!!! This made me happy!!!!!!! I am so happy for you!!!!!!!

love tammy

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

TakingCharge999

LOL thank you friends...

When I came out from the bathroom I immediately noticed he turned to take a glance to me... my codie self immediately wondered what the hell he was thinking...

The bad thing is that although I was all dressy I looked tired and not in my best... its almost a joke, when I run into him he is always laughing, with friends, gf etc and I am always overly tired, alone, he has never heard about my private life or seeing me with anyone else, sometimes I wish he could see me happy or with my bf!

I know this is immature, etc. LOL but its almost a joke how he seems like he has this confetti wherever he walks and I am a zombie.

If I broke up with someone I wish it was with someone like me, very discrete and not shouting about my plans as he does.....

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I finally recognize my strength as my Drug of Choice is right there and I am deciding something better, its a constant test! But ahh the sweet aroma of freedom, and independence... and saying "this is my power, this is my life, its is MINE, and there is so much out there that does not involve you" ahhh I think I am finally making it to the other side of the bridge where GiveLove, etc are, LOL

Also for anyone who has FB, common friends etc, I created a brand new Facebook account with my close friends only and its wonderful to be honest and not walk on eggshells online I highly recommend it...

Jadmack25

Try copying the secretive smile from the Mona Lisa. I did, and it sent my "pop up all over the place" exAH totally bewildered. He figured I was up to something, but no idea what and he only took a week to begin avoiding me like the plague.

lovtolaff

ha ha - I can SO relate to this statement.

I enjoy your posts and I too have these "epiphanies" from time to time and relish in each and every one of them.