How to help my sister
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
How to help my sister
Hi All, I'm new to the forum and looking for advice. I can already see that there are many concerned folks here, and it looks like a very supportive place to be. My younger sister is an alcoholic. I don't know how long ago the problem started....she's always been a party girl, so i'm not exactly sure when the drinking really took over her life. She's 46 now and married with 3 kids. She is in de-tox, as I type this, for the 3rd time in 2 years....the last time being less than 6 months ago. She was admitted with a BAC of .32 which probably could have killed her. They live in a beautiful home, in a nice neighborhood with 3 great kids, You'd never suspect that their lives are such a shambles. Their marriage is a train wreck, they have financial problems and their kids are showing signs of emotional distress.
I was so optimistic after her last stint with rehab. She seemed to be making real progress and I was happy for her. The rehab group she worked with had a family/friends meeting once a week and I attended several of these with her, since her husband wants nothing to do with any of it. I learned about the "3 C's"...... didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. So I understand that her husband did not cause her to become an alcoholic. Its a disease and I realize that I can't blame him for that. But at the same time, I know that she has been a victim of mental and emotional abuse for years, and that it has escalated into some pushing and shoving episodes. He has always been a very controlling person and has some serious anger management issues. I don't know that I've ever heard a complimentary word about my sister come out of his mouth. My sister OTOH, has always been more of a dependent sort of person and a bit emotionally immature. So I feel that this marriage was a recipe for disaster from that start. She wanted marital counseling. He insisted that she was the one with the problems, and that if she would "just do what he asks her to do, then there wouldn't BE any problems". Basically, I think she has just given up. She hasn't a shred of self esteem left. My brother and I have been trying to convince them that they need to separate. Both are resistant. My sister, because she is afraid that she can't handle things on her own, and my BIL, because he's "not ready to give up the house and everything he's worked for". Current economic conditions make it very difficult to afford to run 2 households (my sister hasn't been able to hold a job), but I still think that it is do-able. So they remain in the same house, being miserable.
So despite what I know about the "3 C's", I also know that these situations are very complex. The drinking is just one piece of a very multi-faceted problem. The road to sobriety is so very difficult even when the alcoholic has the full support of their spouse/family. I feel that the short period of time she spent living sober, opened her eyes to the severity of the problems in her life. The pain that she's been numbing with alcohol became unescapable, so she crawled back into the bottle. How does one remain sober, when there are multiple "triggers" being set off every single day? She has admitted her alcoholism, recognizes that she has a serious problem, and has sought help multiple times. She just can't seem to find the motivation she needs to follow through with making the necessary changes that need to happen in her life. What, if anything, can my brother and I do to help and support her?
I was so optimistic after her last stint with rehab. She seemed to be making real progress and I was happy for her. The rehab group she worked with had a family/friends meeting once a week and I attended several of these with her, since her husband wants nothing to do with any of it. I learned about the "3 C's"...... didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. So I understand that her husband did not cause her to become an alcoholic. Its a disease and I realize that I can't blame him for that. But at the same time, I know that she has been a victim of mental and emotional abuse for years, and that it has escalated into some pushing and shoving episodes. He has always been a very controlling person and has some serious anger management issues. I don't know that I've ever heard a complimentary word about my sister come out of his mouth. My sister OTOH, has always been more of a dependent sort of person and a bit emotionally immature. So I feel that this marriage was a recipe for disaster from that start. She wanted marital counseling. He insisted that she was the one with the problems, and that if she would "just do what he asks her to do, then there wouldn't BE any problems". Basically, I think she has just given up. She hasn't a shred of self esteem left. My brother and I have been trying to convince them that they need to separate. Both are resistant. My sister, because she is afraid that she can't handle things on her own, and my BIL, because he's "not ready to give up the house and everything he's worked for". Current economic conditions make it very difficult to afford to run 2 households (my sister hasn't been able to hold a job), but I still think that it is do-able. So they remain in the same house, being miserable.
So despite what I know about the "3 C's", I also know that these situations are very complex. The drinking is just one piece of a very multi-faceted problem. The road to sobriety is so very difficult even when the alcoholic has the full support of their spouse/family. I feel that the short period of time she spent living sober, opened her eyes to the severity of the problems in her life. The pain that she's been numbing with alcohol became unescapable, so she crawled back into the bottle. How does one remain sober, when there are multiple "triggers" being set off every single day? She has admitted her alcoholism, recognizes that she has a serious problem, and has sought help multiple times. She just can't seem to find the motivation she needs to follow through with making the necessary changes that need to happen in her life. What, if anything, can my brother and I do to help and support her?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! I hope you find this place as helpful as I have.
Unfortunately, you can't give her the necessary motivation to change her life. Only she can do that. Or not. If we family members could do it, we would have.
Until she is truly ready to deal with all her issues, not just the alcoholism, nothing will change. It sounds like she hasn't reached that point yet.
What you can do is seek help for yourself so that you have the tools you need to deal with how all this is affecting you.
Unfortunately, you can't give her the necessary motivation to change her life. Only she can do that. Or not. If we family members could do it, we would have.
Until she is truly ready to deal with all her issues, not just the alcoholism, nothing will change. It sounds like she hasn't reached that point yet.
What you can do is seek help for yourself so that you have the tools you need to deal with how all this is affecting you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
Thanks Barbara, I guess somewhere deep inside I already knew that answer myself, but it helps to have it confirmed by someone else. Intellectually, I can let it go.......but my heart is having trouble accepting that this is a problem I can't "fix" for her! It is just so painful to watch happen to people you love!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
She's been given the tools, but you can't pick them up for her.
It is incredibly painful to watch, and that's where al-anon or individual counseling come in - to help you.
Potentially this could go on and on and on, for years sadly.
It is incredibly painful to watch, and that's where al-anon or individual counseling come in - to help you.
Potentially this could go on and on and on, for years sadly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
Thanks Still Waters, I plan to start going to some al-anon meetings. This is all new to me. I wasn't aware when she went to detox the first time. Things all came to a head over the Christmas holidays last year, and that's when she told me and our brother about the alcoholism. Its been an emotional roller-coaster since then. I have a feeling I might be spending a lot of time on thes message board!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi joy221!
Glad you're here.
AlAnon really helped me turn my head around in dealing w/ my 3 alkie bros. I used to look at their lives and see that if this were different or that were easier then maybe they wouldn't struggle so much w/ alcohol and sobriety etc. I used to try to "help" with financial support, advice, books, suggestions, rescue moments, sympathy, etc.
I was just making myself nuts! Didn't do them or me a damn bit of good!
I remember becoming certain and obsessed for a while that if this one girflriend of my brother's would just get out of the picture then he wouldn't "drink so much" or be so stressed out all the time. I tried to tell him this over and over. Sometimes he agreed with me. He continued to drink. Sometimes he disagreed with me. He continued to drink. Finally she did leave the picture. He continued to drink. I was helping perpetuate a myth that his drinking had anything to do with anybody or anything outside HIMSELF!
How old are the kids in this situation? Are they getting any counseling or attending AlAteen? My father was an alcoholic while I was growing up and I REALLY could have used a loving Auntie to talk to and to talk straight to me.
Growing up in an alcoholic family is really rough no matter whether you have the house and cars or you live in a shack - the dynamic is exactly the same and the emotions that become a burden even into adulthood are shame, rage, resentment, mistrust, codependence, control, denial, depression, minimizing, etc.
It is so hard to deal with - there is so much fallout in families of addicts. I would be a huge toxic oil spill if I hadn't found AlAnon and done some serious work in therapy.....but I can truly say today that although I still feel sharp pain and sadness when I look at my bros I have found effective ways of not letting it ruin my life and not destroying my love for them.
We can only "fix" ourselves!
(((hugs)))
b
Glad you're here.
AlAnon really helped me turn my head around in dealing w/ my 3 alkie bros. I used to look at their lives and see that if this were different or that were easier then maybe they wouldn't struggle so much w/ alcohol and sobriety etc. I used to try to "help" with financial support, advice, books, suggestions, rescue moments, sympathy, etc.
I was just making myself nuts! Didn't do them or me a damn bit of good!
I remember becoming certain and obsessed for a while that if this one girflriend of my brother's would just get out of the picture then he wouldn't "drink so much" or be so stressed out all the time. I tried to tell him this over and over. Sometimes he agreed with me. He continued to drink. Sometimes he disagreed with me. He continued to drink. Finally she did leave the picture. He continued to drink. I was helping perpetuate a myth that his drinking had anything to do with anybody or anything outside HIMSELF!
How old are the kids in this situation? Are they getting any counseling or attending AlAteen? My father was an alcoholic while I was growing up and I REALLY could have used a loving Auntie to talk to and to talk straight to me.
Growing up in an alcoholic family is really rough no matter whether you have the house and cars or you live in a shack - the dynamic is exactly the same and the emotions that become a burden even into adulthood are shame, rage, resentment, mistrust, codependence, control, denial, depression, minimizing, etc.
It is so hard to deal with - there is so much fallout in families of addicts. I would be a huge toxic oil spill if I hadn't found AlAnon and done some serious work in therapy.....but I can truly say today that although I still feel sharp pain and sadness when I look at my bros I have found effective ways of not letting it ruin my life and not destroying my love for them.
We can only "fix" ourselves!
(((hugs)))
b
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
Hi Joy
Its great that you are looking into alanon. as a new member, I can tell you I'm getting some really great support with how to deal with the hurt and anger. I'm also learning how to take care of myself and not worry about the A in my life. You will get tons of support and "eye opening" posts at this site, so keep coming back!
Has your sister considered AA? you said she'd been through detox several times, but no mention of a strong program to continue her recovery after the initial treatment.
How to help your sister? She's the only one who can do that. Instead, think about what you can do to take care of yourself and start dealing with the damage this whole experience has caused you.
Peace!
Its great that you are looking into alanon. as a new member, I can tell you I'm getting some really great support with how to deal with the hurt and anger. I'm also learning how to take care of myself and not worry about the A in my life. You will get tons of support and "eye opening" posts at this site, so keep coming back!
Has your sister considered AA? you said she'd been through detox several times, but no mention of a strong program to continue her recovery after the initial treatment.
How to help your sister? She's the only one who can do that. Instead, think about what you can do to take care of yourself and start dealing with the damage this whole experience has caused you.
Peace!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
After the last detox in January, my sister went into a group called High Focus. It was intensive group therapy for alcoholics and addicts. She had to go 4 times/week for 4 hrs for several weeks and then sessions were reduced to twice/week. Their insurance coverage apparently decides how many therapy sessions will be covered. She loved and totally trusted the program director and became very connected to the people in her group of about 15. She also started attending AA meetings at her church, but that is a very large group and she never felt as comfortable there. She made a few contacts, but never got as far as choosing a sponsor. She became anxious and depressed when her sessions with High Focus came to an end. She always found excuses why she was missing AA meetings, kids school and sports activities etc. There are other AA groups in her area, including one for abused women whcih she went to once or twice but then didn't follow through.
Her oldest daughter who is 20, has dropped out of community college, is still living at home and is having trouble finding a job. Middle daughter is 15 and seems to cope by spending as little time at home as possible, very involved in school theater and social events. I thought that she was the least affected, but they had her in the ER last week with an anxiety attack....so maybe not doing as well as I thought. The youngest just had his 11th birthday on Friday, the day before his mom checked into detox. He is having difficulty at school and seems to be the target of some bullying or at least teasing etc. He saw a therapist twice, but totally shut down and wouldn't talk each time. My sister said that the counselor told her she'd have to take him to someone else since he refused to talk. As far as I know, she has yet to find another therapist for him. I think he also sees the school psychologist periodically. In Dec, he apparently had some sort of meltdown at school and they called my sister to come in. She showed up with alcohol on her breath. Long story short.....DYFS got involved and investigated. They insisted she go to detox, have a psych evaluation etc. They made her jump through all their hoops and eventually dropped the case or put it under lower priority or something. Strangely, they never interviewed my BIL even though the kids are fearful of and intimidated by him.
I have told the kids that I am there for them and that my door is always open to them. But my plate is kind of full right now too. I work full time, we have 2 kids of our own we are currently putting through college. And our mom has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She lives in an assisted living facility, but the responsibilty for dealing with her doctor appts, bill paying, shopping etc lies with me. Our brother lives in a different state.
Her oldest daughter who is 20, has dropped out of community college, is still living at home and is having trouble finding a job. Middle daughter is 15 and seems to cope by spending as little time at home as possible, very involved in school theater and social events. I thought that she was the least affected, but they had her in the ER last week with an anxiety attack....so maybe not doing as well as I thought. The youngest just had his 11th birthday on Friday, the day before his mom checked into detox. He is having difficulty at school and seems to be the target of some bullying or at least teasing etc. He saw a therapist twice, but totally shut down and wouldn't talk each time. My sister said that the counselor told her she'd have to take him to someone else since he refused to talk. As far as I know, she has yet to find another therapist for him. I think he also sees the school psychologist periodically. In Dec, he apparently had some sort of meltdown at school and they called my sister to come in. She showed up with alcohol on her breath. Long story short.....DYFS got involved and investigated. They insisted she go to detox, have a psych evaluation etc. They made her jump through all their hoops and eventually dropped the case or put it under lower priority or something. Strangely, they never interviewed my BIL even though the kids are fearful of and intimidated by him.
I have told the kids that I am there for them and that my door is always open to them. But my plate is kind of full right now too. I work full time, we have 2 kids of our own we are currently putting through college. And our mom has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She lives in an assisted living facility, but the responsibilty for dealing with her doctor appts, bill paying, shopping etc lies with me. Our brother lives in a different state.
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