Using the eighth step to alienate
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Mine is sober now from what I hear and can tell and I know how you feel - sometimes my XABF's views of our relationship are completely different than mine. I just can't fathom how he can see things the way he does sometimes.
When that happens I just scratch my head.
We were having a conversation yesterday about things I've been doing to help friends and family members since I've left him and he said "I guess my **** up was really a favor for some people" :wtf2
He honestly sees it that way. So I camly informed him that his **** up did not do me any favors LOL
My XABF is now blaming his drinking on the 400K house he's had for 10 years which has drained him financially, mentally and emotionally. But let's not look at the fact that he was drinking this way for 10 years before he built his house and the fact that the progression of the alcoholism (drinking instead of working, etc) had a lot to do with the situation he is in now.
Sometimes they just need to place the blame anywhere else other than where it really belongs.
When that happens I just scratch my head.
We were having a conversation yesterday about things I've been doing to help friends and family members since I've left him and he said "I guess my **** up was really a favor for some people" :wtf2
He honestly sees it that way. So I camly informed him that his **** up did not do me any favors LOL
My XABF is now blaming his drinking on the 400K house he's had for 10 years which has drained him financially, mentally and emotionally. But let's not look at the fact that he was drinking this way for 10 years before he built his house and the fact that the progression of the alcoholism (drinking instead of working, etc) had a lot to do with the situation he is in now.
Sometimes they just need to place the blame anywhere else other than where it really belongs.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
TTBF "My XABF is now blaming his drinking on the 400K house he's had for 10 years which has drained him financially, mentally and emotionally"
One would beg the question as to whether he could afford this house in the first place, or why he needed such an extravagant house.....my RAH always made the house buying decisions and they were always about grandiosity and show....my little frugal voice was always drowned out by his need to show his self worth in things. Our lawn looked like the greens of Augusta but everyone inside the home was miserable because of his negativity....still he kept working on the lawn, because that's what the neighbors saw.
One would beg the question as to whether he could afford this house in the first place, or why he needed such an extravagant house.....my RAH always made the house buying decisions and they were always about grandiosity and show....my little frugal voice was always drowned out by his need to show his self worth in things. Our lawn looked like the greens of Augusta but everyone inside the home was miserable because of his negativity....still he kept working on the lawn, because that's what the neighbors saw.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I see nothing on here that has anything to do with "the steps"
Step 8 "Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"
Step 9 "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Doesn't say anything about "act like an ***hole and slander my ex"
Step 8 "Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"
Step 9 "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Doesn't say anything about "act like an ***hole and slander my ex"
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Thanks Ago
Step 9 "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Wouldn't slamming me fit into the "injure others" catagory anyway?
God the Codie in me wants to ask him to go "no contact" with my family and friends....but I won't...and even if he would agree, he would just do it anyway, cause he's like that!
Step 9 "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Wouldn't slamming me fit into the "injure others" catagory anyway?
God the Codie in me wants to ask him to go "no contact" with my family and friends....but I won't...and even if he would agree, he would just do it anyway, cause he's like that!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by FunnyOne 
Thanks Ago
Step 9 "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Wouldn't slamming me fit into the "injure others" catagory anyway?
God the Codie in me wants to ask him to go "no contact" with my family and friends....but I won't...and even if he would agree, he would just do it anyway, cause he's like that!
Step 9 "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Wouldn't slamming me fit into the "injure others" catagory anyway?
God the Codie in me wants to ask him to go "no contact" with my family and friends....but I won't...and even if he would agree, he would just do it anyway, cause he's like that!
The slander, spite, spew, venom, seeking out my friends to "tell her side" it felt horrifically "stalkerish" hell it WAS "stalker" behavior.
I had to "let go" and remember two things that helped me.
It's none of my business what others think of me
and I paraphrased The Dr Suess saying:
Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind
to
Those that listen don't matter and those that matter don't listen
turned out to be the truth, I had twenty years of love coming from my friends, all they did was look at me, shake their heads and say "oh man, I am SO sorry you have to go through this dealing with this psycho" and give me a hug
The "story-telling" had the opposite effect then what was "desired" actually
Your friends know who you are, and the people who don't, aren't your friends
It was very tough though to go through.
:ghug3
PS internet giving me fits
Anyway, what I decided was rather then ask her to go "no contact" I went "no contact", all she was doing was keeping the relationship going by her behavior, it was her way to "contact me" and "continuing to engage", and if I asked her to stop, it would be me "engaging" and also "continuing the relationship"
That make sense?
All your XAH is doing is continuing the relationship in the only way he knows how. In a very sick and twisted way it's his way to continue the relationship. If he was truly "done" he wouldn't be doing and saying these things.
Last edited by Ago; 06-12-2009 at 09:43 AM.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Funny One - he actually designed the house when he was a freshman in high school. When he built it he was making great money as a stockbroker and had a wife and stepchildren. In a way, it made sense for him to have it then. It had enough room for everyone, was his dream and he could afford it.
He loved telling people about it but to live in it was a nightmare with all of the work to keep it up and everything that goes along with the alcoholism. Sort of like your husband and the lawn - it was all about the show.
He loved telling people about it but to live in it was a nightmare with all of the work to keep it up and everything that goes along with the alcoholism. Sort of like your husband and the lawn - it was all about the show.
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