I am a mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
I am a mess
My adult son just lost his wife and kids due to alcohol. He is in the bottle big time. He seems to lash out at me all the time. Haven't heard from him in 2 days, I am a mess. I tried al anon once, it didn't help
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hazelgirl,
I'm so glad you found us. Have you had a chance to read the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the forum? Let us know if you have any trouble finding those......they can be a very valuable source of information and insight into where you might go from here.
I know this is a very difficult time for you, but try to remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause your son's alcoholism
You can't control it
You can't cure it
I know you'd like to make all of his problems go away -- who wouldn't, with someone we love? But truly, these are the repercussions of his choices. It is terribly sad to have to watch -- but completely out of your control.
Is he seeking any help for himself, like AA or another program of recovery?
I'd seriously consider trying another Al-Anon meeting if I were in your shoes. Having an on-the-ground source of real live support and understanding might make these days more tolerable for you.
Hugs and strength
GL
I'm so glad you found us. Have you had a chance to read the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the forum? Let us know if you have any trouble finding those......they can be a very valuable source of information and insight into where you might go from here.
I know this is a very difficult time for you, but try to remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause your son's alcoholism
You can't control it
You can't cure it
I know you'd like to make all of his problems go away -- who wouldn't, with someone we love? But truly, these are the repercussions of his choices. It is terribly sad to have to watch -- but completely out of your control.
Is he seeking any help for himself, like AA or another program of recovery?
I'd seriously consider trying another Al-Anon meeting if I were in your shoes. Having an on-the-ground source of real live support and understanding might make these days more tolerable for you.
Hugs and strength
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, hazelgirl, and I am sorry for the crisis in your life. Addiction always brings crisis.
Crisis can also be a turning point. But what I try to hold to, in my recovery from trying to save addicts from their crises, is that whether or not a crisis is actually a turning point is between the addict and God alone. The addict has his own life, he has free will, he has opportunity to heal if he chooses, and he has a relationship with a Higher Power which can be his source of comfort and direction if he so chooses.
I have a son, too, and I would be afraid and "a mess", just like you.
But if you know anything of addiction, if you speak to addicts in recovery, they will all tell you that what is happening to him (the chaos and misery) is a necessary stepping stone to recovery.
Many others here will be able to offer more support. Mostly I am concerned that you, as mother, will offer him safe harbor, and one thing I do know, that safe harbor will feed, not starve, his addictive disease.
AA is free, it is every day, and no matter where your son is now, he can find a meeting if he wants it.
Blessings to you and wishing you the very best outcome for all involved.
Crisis can also be a turning point. But what I try to hold to, in my recovery from trying to save addicts from their crises, is that whether or not a crisis is actually a turning point is between the addict and God alone. The addict has his own life, he has free will, he has opportunity to heal if he chooses, and he has a relationship with a Higher Power which can be his source of comfort and direction if he so chooses.
I have a son, too, and I would be afraid and "a mess", just like you.
But if you know anything of addiction, if you speak to addicts in recovery, they will all tell you that what is happening to him (the chaos and misery) is a necessary stepping stone to recovery.
Many others here will be able to offer more support. Mostly I am concerned that you, as mother, will offer him safe harbor, and one thing I do know, that safe harbor will feed, not starve, his addictive disease.
AA is free, it is every day, and no matter where your son is now, he can find a meeting if he wants it.
Blessings to you and wishing you the very best outcome for all involved.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,984
Hazel, the first three words of your post says it all. "My adult son." We don't stop loving them once they become adults, but our responsibility for them has ended. He has to find his own way. Read the threads and you will see many, many mothers here who haven't heard from their own sons in weeks, months, and sometimes, years. We have to let them go because they are going to do whatever they are going to do and you cannot fix them. Many times, they do come back and honestly seek help. I pray that your son with choose the right path. ((((HUGS))))
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Suki... you saved me some finger work. My thoughts exactly.
Hazel...let go and let God.
Please find other meetings to attend. My first meeting was the worse and I've discovered that many people had the same first experience. We really don't want to be there and will find excuses.
You can do it.
Blessings, Kathy
Hazel...let go and let God.
Please find other meetings to attend. My first meeting was the worse and I've discovered that many people had the same first experience. We really don't want to be there and will find excuses.
You can do it.
Blessings, Kathy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
Hi hazelgirl--
welcome- glad you found SR....
when you say Alanon didn't "help" what do you mean specifically - what kind of "help" were you looking for?
Help to get your son to stop drinking?(Nothing can help there except son himself if and only if he chooses)
or
Help with getting off the insanity train of loving an alcoholic and help with relief from the mental torture of engaging with their active addiction? Because that's where Alanon helped me.
Can you try some one-on-one counseling? Alanon isn't the only way to begin the process of getting your life back on track....
Stick around, keep posting - collectively we've seen it all on SR and you are not alone...
peace & (((hugs)))
b
welcome- glad you found SR....
when you say Alanon didn't "help" what do you mean specifically - what kind of "help" were you looking for?
Help to get your son to stop drinking?(Nothing can help there except son himself if and only if he chooses)
or
Help with getting off the insanity train of loving an alcoholic and help with relief from the mental torture of engaging with their active addiction? Because that's where Alanon helped me.
Can you try some one-on-one counseling? Alanon isn't the only way to begin the process of getting your life back on track....
Stick around, keep posting - collectively we've seen it all on SR and you are not alone...
peace & (((hugs)))
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
Thanks gerryp. I did sleep better and was able to eat a small meal. My emotions are still a mess. I am sad, then mad, then scared, etc. I am getting mad at him more. My husband is wonderful, that is a blessing from God. I have a lot of people praying for us and that is all there really is.
Thanks for caring.
Thanks for caring.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Let go and let God, hazelgirl.
Pray for him, think loving thoughts, hope for the best, and know that you cannot carry this burden for him. Only by carrying it himself will he learn and grow...do not rob him of this right.
And do take good care of yourself. Small healthy meals, adequate sleep, fresh air, and connection with others will help you to support yourself, and also will ensure that, should the time come when your help is requested, you will have the strength and the clarity you need to do so.
Hugs to you. Please keep checking in with us. Feel free to tell us more about yourself -- we're listening.
Pray for him, think loving thoughts, hope for the best, and know that you cannot carry this burden for him. Only by carrying it himself will he learn and grow...do not rob him of this right.
And do take good care of yourself. Small healthy meals, adequate sleep, fresh air, and connection with others will help you to support yourself, and also will ensure that, should the time come when your help is requested, you will have the strength and the clarity you need to do so.
Hugs to you. Please keep checking in with us. Feel free to tell us more about yourself -- we're listening.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Good to hear you are taking care of yourself Hazelgirl.
It's difficult, to say the least, to try to block your feelings of sad, mad and scared but you are processing it all. keep taking care of yourself and keep in touch.
Hugs,
It's difficult, to say the least, to try to block your feelings of sad, mad and scared but you are processing it all. keep taking care of yourself and keep in touch.
Hugs,
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Hazelgirl,
For many of us, writing our feelings on a journal helps a great deal. I am glad you have others with you to help you through this difficult time. Trust your son is in God's (or any higher power of your understanding) hands.
For many of us, writing our feelings on a journal helps a great deal. I am glad you have others with you to help you through this difficult time. Trust your son is in God's (or any higher power of your understanding) hands.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
