FreeBird09

I am a the one at fault when I hang onto things that are not good for my life. I do tend to keep every single letter, email, card etc I have gotten over the years (ok, since I was 9) This came in handy when I was sifting through saved emails from my AXBF. I KNEW so long ago what I needed to do, what I wanted out of my life, from myself and what I expected from him. It took me a little over 1 yr 4 months to come to terms with completely letting go and letting God.

This following email I sent to the AXBF when we were still together. In between the times he left me to go on a binge. (every 3 months). After FINALLY reading it again I knew and know now what I have to and had to do all along. I guess I am one of them hard headed women who stand in line for the punishment when I didn't do the crime.

Here goes: I took out names to protect the innocent, and not so innocent. (Including me!)

You have really gone and done it up good tonight (ABF)..... I know that if you really wanted this relationship you would at least try and not say and do the things you do and say when you are drinking.... you said it all had to do with the things I say and do.. just so happens.. I didn't do or say anything tonight.. and you STILL went off.. still said the mean, nasty, hurtful things you say when I do speak my mind.. so regardless of anything I do.. or say.. it don't matter.. I am in for your full punishment.. as you see fit.. and on top of being disrespectful verbally.. you .. as soon as I left to take (MY SON) his clothes.. you went to the bar.. it was so important to you.. that you went drinking at the bar.. that you didn't care what I felt about it.. or that we were suppose to be working things out.. as I have said.. how is that possible.. when you can behave any way you wish.. and I am to be your puppet.. life doesn't work that way.. at least not my life.

I am sorry you feel the way you do.. I can't change that.. (only you can)

I am sorry you don't want to meet me half way.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry you are full of hate and anger.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry you are depressed.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry you get so overemotional that you have to destroy our life with your drinking.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry that you don't want to spend time with me.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry that I am not what you want.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry you don't love me any more.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry I don't fit into your agenda.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry that WE are not your priority.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry you are having financial difficulties.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry that your mind gets these obsessive thoughts.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry you weren't born with the perfect family.. I can't change that (no one can)

I am sorry that you have become this person I don't know anymore.. I can't change that (only you can)

I am sorry you have mental illness.. I can't change that.. (no one can) but I love you even with that..

There is only one person I can change.. and that is me.. and.. so I go forward with changing the things in me that I don't like.. but today.. even with this burden of all that you have said to me.. tonight.. today.. I feel that I am good.. just the way I am .. and I am a very special, intelligent, funny, fun loving, sexy, good hearted, nice, kind, caring, loving, compassionate person.. so filled with love inside.. so filled with passionate love inside.. just waiting.. to be appreciated.. respected.. and adored beyond words.. a good woman.. who is worth someone's time.. worth.. that time to put that bottle aside.. to decide it's time to stop the madness and repair the past hurts in order to move forward.. I am worth it.. I have spent a lot of time.. thinking I wasn't.. my Epiphany I AM WORTH ALL THAT IS GOOD... and I don't need anyone else to believe that.....

Love, Me

Oh how I wish I put that into action so long ago. BUT, we can't go backwards we can only move forward. I despise him today. I have no respect or trust in him at all. That girl I was at 14 still has them twinges of love attached to my heart, but I am not that girl any more. I am a full grown woman and it is time I started behaving in such a manner. I KNOW what I want out of this life and I am NOT going to get it by being involved EVER AGAIN with an alcoholic or abuser of any kind.

GiveLove

Bless you, freebird, for so many reasons