Just plain confused~In need of some ESH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 50
Just plain confused~In need of some ESH
Made it through the day without jumping on the Merry Go Round of Insanity. Did real well, kept my focus on HP's will for me and kept reminding myself that the insane behaviors were all an attempt by me to control, manipulate and play God......All part of my sickness.
Got to my F2F meeting tonight feeling like I needed to be there after this week, and have really been getting more out of them since my sister in law hasn't been going. Just feel like I can be more open and not have to "filter" what I share when it comes to family stuff.
So I go up to the door and we are looked out. There are two other gentlemen there talking about catfishing etc, so I sit down on the steps and chime in, telling them about a good spot me and EXABF went to last Summer. That is when the one man (whom I have seen outside there EVERY Friday I have been there and who looked somewhat familiar to me though I could not place him), pipes up and says "Do you know B?" and of course I was floored. I said and he says are you "S"? and I say yes, and to make a long story short it is EXABF's sponsor, who attends the AA meeting downstairs. He mentioned that EXABF got a new truck and I kind of played stupid (this of course lead me to believe that EXABF has NOT been telling his sponsor that we have been emailing or that he was here in his nice new truck to get his junk) I told him it was nice to see him again, excused myself and went inside.
Now EXABF told me that on Sunday nights the man he sponsors goes to the meetings at the hospital, so I avoid those meetings and I do not want anyone to "feed" EXABF information about me. I know they are supposed to be anonymous but I have seen first hand where they aren't always. I do not go to the Tuesday night meetings as EXABF goes to those meetings, so Friday night was my night, my safe night so to speak.
Now I am thinking all over the map again. Why would EXABF tell me repeatedly about the night his sponsee goes to what meeting and that I might see him there on Sundays, but not ONCE in 6 mths tell me that HIS SPONSOR goes to meetings in the same place as me, knowing full well this was my home group? Why hide something like that? I mean he probally knew I would not recognize his sponsor since I only met him once, but I don't understand why that wasn't something he would share, and why does it appear that he is not sharing things with his sponsor such as coming here etc.? Now mind ya when we were together I knew EVERYTHING about his sponsor, he talked about him ALL the time.
I just don't understand his thought process on this one and I know I am not supposed to but I can't help but wonder what his motivation was behind keeping this a secret from me, and now I don't even feel "safe" going there-I know it is supposed to be anonymous but I do not want EXABF knowing my every move when I am fighting like heck right now to get me back on track, nor do I want to be reminded of him at every single turn I make in my recovery!!! And it seems no matter which way I turn there is a part of him somewhere in EVERY room that I have the option of going to in this one horse town!
Any ESH would be appreciated greatly.
Spirit
Got to my F2F meeting tonight feeling like I needed to be there after this week, and have really been getting more out of them since my sister in law hasn't been going. Just feel like I can be more open and not have to "filter" what I share when it comes to family stuff.
So I go up to the door and we are looked out. There are two other gentlemen there talking about catfishing etc, so I sit down on the steps and chime in, telling them about a good spot me and EXABF went to last Summer. That is when the one man (whom I have seen outside there EVERY Friday I have been there and who looked somewhat familiar to me though I could not place him), pipes up and says "Do you know B?" and of course I was floored. I said and he says are you "S"? and I say yes, and to make a long story short it is EXABF's sponsor, who attends the AA meeting downstairs. He mentioned that EXABF got a new truck and I kind of played stupid (this of course lead me to believe that EXABF has NOT been telling his sponsor that we have been emailing or that he was here in his nice new truck to get his junk) I told him it was nice to see him again, excused myself and went inside.
Now EXABF told me that on Sunday nights the man he sponsors goes to the meetings at the hospital, so I avoid those meetings and I do not want anyone to "feed" EXABF information about me. I know they are supposed to be anonymous but I have seen first hand where they aren't always. I do not go to the Tuesday night meetings as EXABF goes to those meetings, so Friday night was my night, my safe night so to speak.
Now I am thinking all over the map again. Why would EXABF tell me repeatedly about the night his sponsee goes to what meeting and that I might see him there on Sundays, but not ONCE in 6 mths tell me that HIS SPONSOR goes to meetings in the same place as me, knowing full well this was my home group? Why hide something like that? I mean he probally knew I would not recognize his sponsor since I only met him once, but I don't understand why that wasn't something he would share, and why does it appear that he is not sharing things with his sponsor such as coming here etc.? Now mind ya when we were together I knew EVERYTHING about his sponsor, he talked about him ALL the time.
I just don't understand his thought process on this one and I know I am not supposed to but I can't help but wonder what his motivation was behind keeping this a secret from me, and now I don't even feel "safe" going there-I know it is supposed to be anonymous but I do not want EXABF knowing my every move when I am fighting like heck right now to get me back on track, nor do I want to be reminded of him at every single turn I make in my recovery!!! And it seems no matter which way I turn there is a part of him somewhere in EVERY room that I have the option of going to in this one horse town!
Any ESH would be appreciated greatly.
Spirit
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I am sorry you are going throught this.
The reminders cannot be easy
I think the best thing at this point, if you live in a small town, is to accept that you may run into his sponsor or sponsees at some point. And just let it go at that.
You decide if you want to talk to them and if you want to share info with them or not.
you have no obligations to them
I think my AH "first" sponsor started coming to my Al-anon meetings. I actually was working the phones when he called and asked about them. He has been coming for about 2 months now and I have said nothing to him about him being my AH's old sponsor (as AH has gone through a few). We are all there for ourselves.
(((())))
ETA: It will get easier. Soon you won't care one way or another if you run into people associated with him. Don't sacrifice your serenity to jump through hoops ((())). You can go to any meeting you want.
The reminders cannot be easy
I think the best thing at this point, if you live in a small town, is to accept that you may run into his sponsor or sponsees at some point. And just let it go at that.
You decide if you want to talk to them and if you want to share info with them or not.
you have no obligations to them
I think my AH "first" sponsor started coming to my Al-anon meetings. I actually was working the phones when he called and asked about them. He has been coming for about 2 months now and I have said nothing to him about him being my AH's old sponsor (as AH has gone through a few). We are all there for ourselves.
(((())))
ETA: It will get easier. Soon you won't care one way or another if you run into people associated with him. Don't sacrifice your serenity to jump through hoops ((())). You can go to any meeting you want.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: warming up
Posts: 114
When i first started going to alon it was great.. helped me alot. then i started a new job, which all alon friends new. I was at work one day and this cna started talking about this other person.. which goes to the group. he was going you know who iam talking about she has talked to me about you. it was all over after that.. never went back. now i am in a different place and need to go to aa, but i can't my trust has been broken. I also live in a small town
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I thought the whole point of your "recovery focus" right now was to not obsess about your ex.
How is this different from what you have been doing?
If it bothers you that you see this man (his sponsor) you can mention, "Hey, B and I broke up, can you not mention that you see me here?"
If there is one thing AA'ers understand it's anonymity
This is a "non-issue" that you are turning into an "issue"
Personally I had to learn "no contact" actually meant "don't obsess", or it just was "more of the same"
This is "more of the same"
Who cares what his 'thought process" is around this or any other issue, isn't your focus right now supposed to be on yourself and your own thought process? The one where you obsess about your ex? Isn't your focus supposed to be on not obsessing about him? I am just 'reflecting" posts you have made here yourself recently.
This is just more obsessing.
My experience with trying to "figure out" or "obsessing" about exA's is "On that path lies madness"
How is this different from what you have been doing?
If it bothers you that you see this man (his sponsor) you can mention, "Hey, B and I broke up, can you not mention that you see me here?"
If there is one thing AA'ers understand it's anonymity
This is a "non-issue" that you are turning into an "issue"
Personally I had to learn "no contact" actually meant "don't obsess", or it just was "more of the same"
This is "more of the same"
Who cares what his 'thought process" is around this or any other issue, isn't your focus right now supposed to be on yourself and your own thought process? The one where you obsess about your ex? Isn't your focus supposed to be on not obsessing about him? I am just 'reflecting" posts you have made here yourself recently.
This is just more obsessing.
My experience with trying to "figure out" or "obsessing" about exA's is "On that path lies madness"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Again... with love... :ghug
You have turned a 'chance' meeting with your ex's sponsor, who was attending a separate meeting for a different fellowship that happened to be in the same building into a 'what is the ex doing/thinking/what are his motivations' issue. It isn't. What your ex's sponsor does, where he attends meetings, where he chooses to go to... are nothing to do with your ex. And, unless he is attending your Al-anon meeting and feeding back information to your ex.. which I suspect would be unlikely.. it is nothing to do with you unless it makes you feel like you cannot share.. and then you deal with that accordingly. But that isn't happening here.
I have to agree with Ago on this. No contact means NO CONTACT. And that includes allowing them to consume your thoughts, spin situations which on the face of it have little or nothing to do with the ex back to the ex and obsessing about them etc. You have the power to change the things you can.. that includes when he pops in your head and you start down the path of obsessing you stop and get onto the path of focussing on you and your recovery. When you start down the path of bringing everything back to the ex it is only going to make you crazy and keep you from moving forward.
You have turned a 'chance' meeting with your ex's sponsor, who was attending a separate meeting for a different fellowship that happened to be in the same building into a 'what is the ex doing/thinking/what are his motivations' issue. It isn't. What your ex's sponsor does, where he attends meetings, where he chooses to go to... are nothing to do with your ex. And, unless he is attending your Al-anon meeting and feeding back information to your ex.. which I suspect would be unlikely.. it is nothing to do with you unless it makes you feel like you cannot share.. and then you deal with that accordingly. But that isn't happening here.
I have to agree with Ago on this. No contact means NO CONTACT. And that includes allowing them to consume your thoughts, spin situations which on the face of it have little or nothing to do with the ex back to the ex and obsessing about them etc. You have the power to change the things you can.. that includes when he pops in your head and you start down the path of obsessing you stop and get onto the path of focussing on you and your recovery. When you start down the path of bringing everything back to the ex it is only going to make you crazy and keep you from moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I don't have much ESH to share but I can understand things that trigger our obsessions.
Here is what I've been working on:
XABF's stuff lying around in my house=trigger
Hearing a song we listened to together=trigger
Finding stubs from airline trips/trips together=trigger
Seeing other PEOPLE who I saw when with him=should not be a trigger
Eating at same restaurants=should not be a trigger
The thing is, as adults, we don't really have the option to just pack up and move to another place, leaving all the triggers behind. Other people, places, foods (I am easily triggered, lol) need to be dealt with. There will always be some overlap between our existences. We live in the same neighborhood, have similar interests and tastes.
I am trying to put away the things that are truly, intimate triggers and deal openly with the unavoidable ones.
The only other choice is complete isolation, which helped to get me in the mess I'm in to begin with.
Maybe you should try the rubberband trick. Wear a thick band around your wrist and snap it when you start obsessing.
Here is what I've been working on:
XABF's stuff lying around in my house=trigger
Hearing a song we listened to together=trigger
Finding stubs from airline trips/trips together=trigger
Seeing other PEOPLE who I saw when with him=should not be a trigger
Eating at same restaurants=should not be a trigger
The thing is, as adults, we don't really have the option to just pack up and move to another place, leaving all the triggers behind. Other people, places, foods (I am easily triggered, lol) need to be dealt with. There will always be some overlap between our existences. We live in the same neighborhood, have similar interests and tastes.
I am trying to put away the things that are truly, intimate triggers and deal openly with the unavoidable ones.
The only other choice is complete isolation, which helped to get me in the mess I'm in to begin with.
Maybe you should try the rubberband trick. Wear a thick band around your wrist and snap it when you start obsessing.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I would have to agree with the other posters Spirited. It is tough to get past the end of a relationship and to a place of acceptance, but that healing cannot begin until you are able to let go. What do you think you need to do in order to let the process (seriously) begin?
Do you think it's possible that your EXbf is or was *not* in any way motivated to keep the *secret* from you about what meetings he or his sponsor goes to? I think what is important here is the fact that the two of you are no longer together, so there wouldn't be a sharing of information, nor updates on the comings and goings of his sponsors or sponsees. As far as his thought processes go Spirited, you are correct, you don't have to understand his, nor should you be interested.
I relay this with compassion...What I'm hearing from what you are posting is that you are actively seeking contact with your X on the internet, creating an alias, looking for any tidbits about him from anyone, anywhere while simultaneously not wanting your Xbf knowing anything about you, because it is impeding your ability to fight like heck to get *you* back on track. I see a disconnect her hun.
I really encourage you for your own health and happiness to seek help in getting past this break-up and perhaps that goes beyond Al Anon meetings.
Do you think it's possible that your EXbf is or was *not* in any way motivated to keep the *secret* from you about what meetings he or his sponsor goes to? I think what is important here is the fact that the two of you are no longer together, so there wouldn't be a sharing of information, nor updates on the comings and goings of his sponsors or sponsees. As far as his thought processes go Spirited, you are correct, you don't have to understand his, nor should you be interested.
I relay this with compassion...What I'm hearing from what you are posting is that you are actively seeking contact with your X on the internet, creating an alias, looking for any tidbits about him from anyone, anywhere while simultaneously not wanting your Xbf knowing anything about you, because it is impeding your ability to fight like heck to get *you* back on track. I see a disconnect her hun.
I really encourage you for your own health and happiness to seek help in getting past this break-up and perhaps that goes beyond Al Anon meetings.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I hope you're able to let go soon. That's just crazy-making stuff!
Probably because it's anonymous.. And why does it matter?
You're obsessing about things that don't even make sense.. please start working on YOU, so that you feel better and stop the insanity.
Why would EXABF tell me repeatedly about the night his sponsee goes to what meeting and that I might see him there on Sundays, but not ONCE in 6 mths tell me that HIS SPONSOR goes to meetings in the same place as me, knowing full well this was my home group? Why hide something like that? I mean he probally knew I would not recognize his sponsor since I only met him once, but I don't understand why that wasn't something he would share, and why does it appear that he is not sharing things with his sponsor such as coming here etc.?
You're obsessing about things that don't even make sense.. please start working on YOU, so that you feel better and stop the insanity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Here is an exercise my sponsor gave me when I was in the same situation as you.
I sat down with my sponsor for the first time, he asked me the dumbest question he could possibly have asked me.
"So....How are you? What's going on?"
I had just broke up with a woman and I was doing all of the same things you are doing, and I was going CRAZY.
I blasted him for three hours with "what she was doing, what she had done, asking why is she doing this blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah, at around the three hour mark I stopped to take a breath to continue my litany and he SHOUTED at me:
STOP!!!!!
This sh1t has GOT to stop!!!!!!
Get your pad of paper and pen!!!!
NOW!!!!
Write this down "This sh1t has GOT to stop!!!!!!!
Next time we meet, I want to have ten reasons written down WHY this sh1t has got to stop
then he walked away
I did that and something changed in my brain.
She wasn't mentioned once. not once. Every reason why this sh1t had to stop was "me".
So, you want help?
you really want help?
You really want to change the situation you are in or do you just want a bunch of people to coddle you and cosign your BS? We can do that too. But if you want "solution", here is some "solution" for you.
Do that for me, tomorrow I want to see 10 reasons why this sh1t has got to stop, and I don't want to see him or his name mentioned once. Tell me why it's got to stop FOR YOU
Here is where the rubber meets the road, you want help? Well this is what helped me.
It's up to you now.
I sat down with my sponsor for the first time, he asked me the dumbest question he could possibly have asked me.
"So....How are you? What's going on?"
I had just broke up with a woman and I was doing all of the same things you are doing, and I was going CRAZY.
I blasted him for three hours with "what she was doing, what she had done, asking why is she doing this blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah, at around the three hour mark I stopped to take a breath to continue my litany and he SHOUTED at me:
STOP!!!!!
This sh1t has GOT to stop!!!!!!
Get your pad of paper and pen!!!!
NOW!!!!
Write this down "This sh1t has GOT to stop!!!!!!!
Next time we meet, I want to have ten reasons written down WHY this sh1t has got to stop
then he walked away
I did that and something changed in my brain.
She wasn't mentioned once. not once. Every reason why this sh1t had to stop was "me".
So, you want help?
you really want help?
You really want to change the situation you are in or do you just want a bunch of people to coddle you and cosign your BS? We can do that too. But if you want "solution", here is some "solution" for you.
Do that for me, tomorrow I want to see 10 reasons why this sh1t has got to stop, and I don't want to see him or his name mentioned once. Tell me why it's got to stop FOR YOU
Here is where the rubber meets the road, you want help? Well this is what helped me.
It's up to you now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by spiritedgrl123 
I just don't understand his thought process on this one and I know I am not supposed to
Now you can get on with your life.
L
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