spiritedgrl123

Last night I was hit hard with the fact that I genuinely believe I am addicted to my ExABF. When I heard people talk about that before I thought to myself “they must be insane” I mean addicted to a person? Addicted to an addict? What kind of person can have such a low self esteem and be so needy? I answered that question last night with a big ole’ “ME”. I am still half stunned by the reality of it all.

To be honest, A LOT of my behaviors the past 6 months since EXABF and I broke up have not been the best, and the more I’ve engaged in them the more insane I have felt. I even went so far as to open up an email acct and email him as someone else, a good “concerned” friend of mine!! And for the past 6 mths off and on when he wasn’t corresponding with my emails, he was corresponding with hers!! (I got this idea because my very best friend actually ran into him once and did email him and told me about it-How clever I thought)

I haven’t even told my sponsor this yet as it is just so embarrassing and degrading I can barely fathom how sick I am! ANYTHING I could do to keep that contact going. Didn’t matter what it was, I NEEDED to know what he was doing, or thinking, or feeling, and then I NEEDED to find a way to manipulate that to help us get back together, or not even neccessarily that, but to keep that contact going. I could not see living without that contact with him. Maybe it was the adrenaline rush I got from arguing, or anticipating. Sad part was I don’t even know why. The relationship in all honesty from day one was a roller coaster, cat and mouse type of game, punctuated by really good sex and friendship. We did EVERYTHING together. No matter what it was, we were a team.

I remember logging onto the computer as me or my concerned friend (really pathetic I know) and the feeling of heat in my stomach, the shaking in my hands, the quickening in my heartbeat, the urgency and rage when the pc wouldn’t load fast enough to see if he had emailed me or the mystery emailer. The insanity of it all makes me cringe as I write this.
I needed that contact, that fix. I needed to know how he was feeling, what he was doing, what he was thinking, I needed to understand his thought process’s and make some sense of it all. It has gotten to the point that I didn’t even focus anymore on us getting back together but just on HIM and what he was doing etc. He at one point represented what I thought was my future.

The sad part is when he would respond, and then how his behavior and words were all over the place with “whomever” he was responding to. He was just unsure, and I believe he also needed it as a fix. It got to the point in the last few emails that we were bantering with one another (me knowing who I was emailing, and him thinking he knew) Just anger and venom and spite. What insanity!!!!

Today I woke up and while driving to work I kept justifying in my head why I needed to email him again today, as me this time since I haven’t had any contact with him for several days as myself. (How insane does this sound????) and let him know why I was so upset, and jealous over him asking my concerned friend in one of the emails, out to lunch (to bury the hatchet he said). How I could turn all that sickness around as a way/means to contact him JUST ONE MORE TIME!

As I write this I can not believe the level of insanity I have stooped to. I have been in recovery since last August but I am thinking I did more talking the talk, instead of walking the walk. I’ve done EVERYTHING in my power to keep from REALLY looking inside myself, and answering any questions I’ve needed to ask myself. I’ve focused on HIM and not on me, I’ve been behaving deviously and insane, and manipulative. Sad part is I KNOW there is soooo much more to me that this insane behavior and addiction and codependency, but the more I’ve engaged in it the lower my self esteem has sunk.

TODAY, I didn’t email him. Today I realized for perhaps the firs time that I am sick, and really, truly powerless. Today I stopped to think before I engaged and realized what I was doing before I did it. Today the urge is still there, still strong, but for today I will be stronger and get back to my program 100% and step away from the crazy me.

Any ESH would be appreciated……..Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Spirit.

nowwhat

LOL!

I am only laughing because I can relate. That is some elaborate snooping, and I think you nailed it when you said you were trying to keep ANY kind of connection going.

Hope you can break the habit. Hope I can break the habit.

Maybe Alanon should be called SnoopersAnon.

(((hugs)))

nowinsituation

Hey SpiritGirl -- We say over and over here how the A's seem to run from the same playbook. Reading your post and some others today it strikes me that we "codies" seem to have the same playbook, too. I can absolutely understand everything you have written as I nod knowingly at everything you have done. My "drug of choice" isn't even my XAH. The current "DOC" is a guy I dated briefly last summer.... but it seems that you could just substitute any guy who is willing and able to play the right games (like "come here/go away", "poor me/no one understands", or my favorite "your too good for me/what do you see in me"). Finally after this last weekend and me feeling SOOO crappy about it all I had to fess up to my sponsor.

What a relief!!! Finally a breath of sanity. Please get it out in the open with someone. You willl feell so much better. An addiction is what it is.... I see now that I have so many more issues to deal with. But I know I am in the right place and have the right support to get through it.

Hang in there!

tallulah

I haven't done this and I'm probably unlikely to.. but.. I can sense the 'what the hell am I doing' and the pain in your post.

I have no words of wisdom because I haven't been in your shoes.. but there for the grace of God and all that. All I can do is echo what has already been said about your bravery for coming onto SR and posting. You've taken the first step... admitted you have a problem. Good luck with the other steps in tackling it... you are in my thoughts.. :ghug

LaTeeDa

I did the same thing. I have this fear of being imperfect, of being wrong. It's completely irrational because no one is perfect, and everyone is wrong sometimes. But, it's there nonetheless.

You must be feeling a huge relief today to get this out. At least that's what I felt when I finally admitted I wasn't perfect, and that it was okay.

L

Startingover2

I have the same addiction to my exah with snooping on his emails. I can get a glimpse of what he is doing and feeling by snooping. I did find he was with a married woman now. She is head over heels for him and he is starting to feel that way or feeding her a line of BS...not sure. But when I do find the emails its sort of bittersweet. I find that I am satisfied because he is confirming he is a lowlife and then its very painful to realize that he is moving on in his life and not realizing the great family he lost.

Proud of you for not emailing. One day at a time.

AllCheese

I just GOTTA chime in...have been sitting on the sidelines too long! Yes, I've been there, done that, though not to the extreme of setting up the dummy e-mail account. 6 months ago, I would've said that was brilliant; why didn't I think of that??? But now, being 7+ months out of the pain & turmoil I was involved in with my XABF, I'm slowly rising out of the emotional quicksand that has held me down. In it, I was constantly obsessing over him; even though I had gone no-contact for most of the time, he monopolized my thoughts 24/7. Time has been a good healer for me, along with this site. Lately, I've been catching myself where I've been so wrapped up in something for hours, I'm amazed that I've had such a long period of not thinking about him. I just need to focus on myself and my children.

I am glad you shared your struggles, and hope that you can find some strength here.

Freedom1990

As usual, Anvil took the words right out of my mouth!

DeVon-trundling off to brush her teeth and giggle at Anvil

FreeBird09

I am right with you. I have done some pretty insane things in the push and pull department just for that 'fix'. I needed validation, so I thought, and did all the stupid little things possible to have contact. Not that he DIDN'T want contact, as he ALWAYS wants contact (as long as no one else is available to listen to his crying, which is next to never) I never needed to KNOW how he was feeling towards me by setting up a dummy account, (he is very open in telling me how he feels, hateful and loving, back and forth) although I thought of setting up a dummy myspace account just to hook him to give me something to prove he was a jerk (and I already KNOW this, so I didn't go that far). I was sinking into the sickness too. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I do things and say things and I step back and say, who in the HECK am I!. I should have let this go MONTHS ago, but I get bored and lonely and instead of doing something healthy I play cat and mouse games. The only thing it is doing is keeping me sick, maybe at times sicker then him. It is hard to admit that we are addicted to the addict, but all in all that is how they want us to be so they know we are always an option.

You are VERY brave for posting your insanity on here, you must feel much better knowing that we too have gone through the same things, and maybe more if we were all willing to share all the crazy things we do/did to keep that validation of 'love' or being 'loved'.