He said "goodbye" to his dad
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He said "goodbye" to his dad
Last evening, before my X AH was scheduled to leave and return to the South where he is now living — he and our son (who is 17) got together for one more time, to share a meal and time together. His relationship with his dad is strained at best, but he is still his dad, and wanted to see him off. Who knows when the next time will be that he sees him — IF ever. So it was good.
My son tells me it was very hard. Very emotional. They did much catching up, my son anxious to share his accomplishments with his dad, and his father offering some fatherly advice to him for the future.
My son also told he that he finally had an opportunity to tell his dad his thoughts — and unload all the pain and anger he'd harbored for the last few years. It must be very hard for a teenager to see his father's faults, and witness him fall into the depths of alcoholism.
He told his father that the greatest lesson that he had received from his dad was the lesson of alcoholism — and what NOT to become. He said he saw it first-person, in all it's raw, and cruel form. He said "Dad, you were always a giant in my eyes, strong and someone I looked up to for direction and love.
But when you let the booze take over your life, and our family and destroy everything in it's path, I realized how weak and vulernable you'd become. I've been angry at you because you allowed this to happen, all of this suffering, by your own choices. You chose alcohol over your family. I saw and learned what NOT to become. I will never be a drinker. Thank you for that lesson."
He then told me that his father broke down and cried like a baby. He said he'd never seen a man cry like that, and it made him feel uneasy, but also in some way he felt cleansed. He doubts that he will ever see his dad again.
This disease is the most devastating thing, and truly affects the entire family to a much greater extent than what we will ever realize.
My son tells me it was very hard. Very emotional. They did much catching up, my son anxious to share his accomplishments with his dad, and his father offering some fatherly advice to him for the future.
My son also told he that he finally had an opportunity to tell his dad his thoughts — and unload all the pain and anger he'd harbored for the last few years. It must be very hard for a teenager to see his father's faults, and witness him fall into the depths of alcoholism.
He told his father that the greatest lesson that he had received from his dad was the lesson of alcoholism — and what NOT to become. He said he saw it first-person, in all it's raw, and cruel form. He said "Dad, you were always a giant in my eyes, strong and someone I looked up to for direction and love.
But when you let the booze take over your life, and our family and destroy everything in it's path, I realized how weak and vulernable you'd become. I've been angry at you because you allowed this to happen, all of this suffering, by your own choices. You chose alcohol over your family. I saw and learned what NOT to become. I will never be a drinker. Thank you for that lesson."
He then told me that his father broke down and cried like a baby. He said he'd never seen a man cry like that, and it made him feel uneasy, but also in some way he felt cleansed. He doubts that he will ever see his dad again.
This disease is the most devastating thing, and truly affects the entire family to a much greater extent than what we will ever realize.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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That got me teary-eyed, it's heartbreaking and I'm amazed too at how maturely your son voiced his feelings. I hope I never have to hear those words from my children, but I'm aware of the destruction I wreaked on our family.
My 13 year old son left yesterday for an Honors Society trip to California. I'm so proud of him and I know he's going to have a great time with his classmates. But I also can't wait until he's back, it's hard to be away from my kids for very long.
Prayers for peace going out for you and your family.
My 13 year old son left yesterday for an Honors Society trip to California. I'm so proud of him and I know he's going to have a great time with his classmates. But I also can't wait until he's back, it's hard to be away from my kids for very long.
Prayers for peace going out for you and your family.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
This was such a sad and painful post to read. But remember the sadness and pain are today, and we don't know, can't know, tomorrow.
I have heard many a wonderful, recovering alcoholic whose recovery story begins at your "today."
This doesn't mean you have to be in the thick of their storyline, as it's damaging to those around them. But just to remind you that we don't know the future. The best we can do is take the best steps to make our own futures the healthiest they can be.
I'm so sorry for your pain, and your son's.
There is definitely hope that there are less painful, and even painless days ahead, for you and your son.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
I have heard many a wonderful, recovering alcoholic whose recovery story begins at your "today."
This doesn't mean you have to be in the thick of their storyline, as it's damaging to those around them. But just to remind you that we don't know the future. The best we can do is take the best steps to make our own futures the healthiest they can be.
I'm so sorry for your pain, and your son's.
There is definitely hope that there are less painful, and even painless days ahead, for you and your son.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello Trying,
I can imagine with this man was crying. Listening to those words - well, I do not think there is anything worse for a parent than what your son told him. But every action has its consequence. I am sad this had to happen. But I hope this is a much needed wake up call for XAH.
I am glad you and your son have each other. Never is a lot of time. Just as catlover said, this is the reality now, but things will keep on changing - hopefully for the best.
Take care and thank you for sharing.
Sandra.
I can imagine with this man was crying. Listening to those words - well, I do not think there is anything worse for a parent than what your son told him. But every action has its consequence. I am sad this had to happen. But I hope this is a much needed wake up call for XAH.
I am glad you and your son have each other. Never is a lot of time. Just as catlover said, this is the reality now, but things will keep on changing - hopefully for the best.
Take care and thank you for sharing.
Sandra.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by Trying2survive 
This disease is the most devastating thing, and truly affects the entire family to a much greater extent than what we will ever realize.
This is so true, and it's so hard for people who haven't experienced it first hand to understand sometimes.
Your son sounds like a wonderful young man. It's a shame that children of alcoholics 'have' to grow up and mature so soon though, all kids need to be kids and some just aren't allowed to be. But yours sounds great, a credit to you.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
What a mature son you have. I never could have said that at 17.
It also seems that, if he didn't use the exact words, he forgave his father. That is important, as forgiveness allows one to leave behind anger and resentment.
the greatest lesson that he had received from his dad was the lesson of alcoholism — and what NOT to become.
Avoid befriending people who are drinkers
Avoid marrying drinkers
Avoiding 'codie' behaviors in ourselves
Avoiding 'codie' behaviors in others
I have seen siblings carry 'codie' habits into their homes and thus the effects, if not the drinking, carry on to another generation.
And, Trying2survive, you took the right steps to preserve the sanity of you and your family. I am sure it is very difficult to be a single parent (I know many, dads and moms). Nice work.
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