Co-dependence issues
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Co-dependence issues
Hello all,
I was here for a bit awhile ago, but then life took over and I wasn't on the computer for awhile (unless it was school related!) I'm happy to say that my husband now has a year and a half of sobriety
And I have finished school
This isn't directly related to alcohol, but I didn't know where else to turn. At the suggestion of most everyone here, I have read Co-Dependent No More (and actually have reccomended the book to others!), however when I read it, I read it as the wife of a recovering alcoholic.
My parents recently separted (in Dec) after dating since they were in gr 8 and a marriage of 33 years. My relationship with my mom has always been strained, however since she has started dating, she has been ignoring me, treating me badly etc. I would continue to get my hopes up that things would be different, then she would cancel plans, or ignore me in favor of her new bf. I finally decided that I couldn't handle it anymore. I've stopped reaching out to her, I've removed her from my Facebook so I don't have to hear how much she misses her bf after just an hour, or how much "fun" she is having with him.
I'm now being made out as the bad guy to my family, and why can't I just accept that it's what makes her happy and do what I can to support her and make sure she's happy.
Isn't it time I make sure I'm happy? I spent so long making sure hubby was happy (while he was drinking), then supported him with his sobriety, completed two degrees in four years etc. When is it my time? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to take care of myself? Is this the co-dependency coming back? I swear it feels like being in a relationship with an alcoholic, minus the alcohol....
I was here for a bit awhile ago, but then life took over and I wasn't on the computer for awhile (unless it was school related!) I'm happy to say that my husband now has a year and a half of sobriety
And I have finished school This isn't directly related to alcohol, but I didn't know where else to turn. At the suggestion of most everyone here, I have read Co-Dependent No More (and actually have reccomended the book to others!), however when I read it, I read it as the wife of a recovering alcoholic.
My parents recently separted (in Dec) after dating since they were in gr 8 and a marriage of 33 years. My relationship with my mom has always been strained, however since she has started dating, she has been ignoring me, treating me badly etc. I would continue to get my hopes up that things would be different, then she would cancel plans, or ignore me in favor of her new bf. I finally decided that I couldn't handle it anymore. I've stopped reaching out to her, I've removed her from my Facebook so I don't have to hear how much she misses her bf after just an hour, or how much "fun" she is having with him.
I'm now being made out as the bad guy to my family, and why can't I just accept that it's what makes her happy and do what I can to support her and make sure she's happy.
Isn't it time I make sure I'm happy? I spent so long making sure hubby was happy (while he was drinking), then supported him with his sobriety, completed two degrees in four years etc. When is it my time? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to take care of myself? Is this the co-dependency coming back? I swear it feels like being in a relationship with an alcoholic, minus the alcohol....
One foot in front of the other
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: York, PA
Posts: 27
I just started reading that book myself...just finished the section on "codependent characteristics" and was astounded by how many of them sounded like I had written it down about myself! Remember in the book she emphasizes that codependency is not limited to relationships with alcoholics and addicts... "one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior". I think behavior from family members can not help but affect us at least a little bit sometimes, and it's natural for you to crave some attention from your mother. It sounds like you ARE taking steps to protect your own feelings, though and have realized that you are ready to make sure you're happy regardless of her relationship... I would explain to mom that you love her but that you're not going to let yourself get caught up again in the whirlwind of someone else's "obsession" (in this case, her with b/f...sounds like he's making her feel like a highschool girl again) and that you are not ready to be involved with her bf and choose to focus on yourself right now .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Well I guess the codie test is -- have you removed her from your facebook firends and stopped reaching out to her with some expectation of a change in behavior from her?
If you've just done it to protect yourself and maintain your own sanity then when family members ask about it your answer should ring true without any hint of manipulation...i.e.: "I'm happy for mom, I'm just in a period of concentrating on my progress towards my goals right now and contact with her distracts me!"
If it feels like a relationship with an alcoholic then there is usually something we have to accept that we are consistently denying we have to accept.
I have a good friend (who has 7 years sober and works a strong AA program) when I was complaining about my mother for the umpteenth time, he took my hand and said "B, when are you going to accept that you will never have the mother you wish you had?" POW! I realized I HAD to turn my focus from wishing she was different, and constantly cataloging her "transgressions" to accepting her just the way she is and I have been much more at peace.
No, I don't have the relationship I wish I had with my mother. I can't have that relationship. It simply does not exist in reality!
Not easy - but worth the effort. Therapy helped me alot, as well as AlAnon.
peace,
b
If you've just done it to protect yourself and maintain your own sanity then when family members ask about it your answer should ring true without any hint of manipulation...i.e.: "I'm happy for mom, I'm just in a period of concentrating on my progress towards my goals right now and contact with her distracts me!"
If it feels like a relationship with an alcoholic then there is usually something we have to accept that we are consistently denying we have to accept.
I have a good friend (who has 7 years sober and works a strong AA program) when I was complaining about my mother for the umpteenth time, he took my hand and said "B, when are you going to accept that you will never have the mother you wish you had?" POW! I realized I HAD to turn my focus from wishing she was different, and constantly cataloging her "transgressions" to accepting her just the way she is and I have been much more at peace.
No, I don't have the relationship I wish I had with my mother. I can't have that relationship. It simply does not exist in reality!
Not easy - but worth the effort. Therapy helped me alot, as well as AlAnon.
peace,
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Bernadette,
I had to reflect on your post for awhile. After some deep reflection, I realize that I removed her from my list and stopped contacting her in the hopes that she would miss me and contact me.
You've got a very smart friend...I will never have the relationship that I want with my mother. I found a card I had given her when I was seven and it said that I wished she didn't work so much to buy me stuff and would just spend time with me. I guess I've spent my life chasing after her, trying to get her to spend time with me. I think I need to sit down and re-read my co-dependent book!
I had to reflect on your post for awhile. After some deep reflection, I realize that I removed her from my list and stopped contacting her in the hopes that she would miss me and contact me.
You've got a very smart friend...I will never have the relationship that I want with my mother. I found a card I had given her when I was seven and it said that I wished she didn't work so much to buy me stuff and would just spend time with me. I guess I've spent my life chasing after her, trying to get her to spend time with me. I think I need to sit down and re-read my co-dependent book!
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