If it quacks like a duck...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Cath,
Sounds like he is beating you down emotionally. Soem people do that so you won't leave. It's a control thing with them.
That's a crock about another man not wanting you, your issues, etc. Sounds like he is manipulating you.
What can you do outside of him to put yourself and child in a healthy environment?
Hugs
Miss
Sounds like he is beating you down emotionally. Soem people do that so you won't leave. It's a control thing with them.
That's a crock about another man not wanting you, your issues, etc. Sounds like he is manipulating you.
What can you do outside of him to put yourself and child in a healthy environment?
Hugs
Miss
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I agree with Bernadette.
The shame you feel comes from within you. Your Al-Anon group and those here are not going to judge you the way you think. They are going to ask the tough questions and shine a light where the truth hides in the dark, but not judge. Sure, we all feel frustrated when someone won't just pack up and go or keeps getting drug back into the same old drama, but a lot of that comes from our own urges to fix the problem. We all know the strength will come to that person and their HP will get through to them. We just hate to wait with our hands in our laps is all. It is not judgement. We have no right to that.
Recovery is about what are we going to do right now not what we've done before (since what we've done before has brought us here in the first place). What are we going to do moving forward?
I don't give a rats behind about what he thinks or what he does. I care about you. I want you to find the strength, find the anger, find the drive, find something to stand you up when he is out of the apaprtment, pick up a bag and your daughter and walk out.
I know you can't imagine it, but that is probably because that path is not up to you but to faith. If the house were on fire you'd get out to save yourself without thinking about the next step. Find the address of a women's shelter and go.
I've said what I said because I care.
Alice
The shame you feel comes from within you. Your Al-Anon group and those here are not going to judge you the way you think. They are going to ask the tough questions and shine a light where the truth hides in the dark, but not judge. Sure, we all feel frustrated when someone won't just pack up and go or keeps getting drug back into the same old drama, but a lot of that comes from our own urges to fix the problem. We all know the strength will come to that person and their HP will get through to them. We just hate to wait with our hands in our laps is all. It is not judgement. We have no right to that.
Recovery is about what are we going to do right now not what we've done before (since what we've done before has brought us here in the first place). What are we going to do moving forward?
I don't give a rats behind about what he thinks or what he does. I care about you. I want you to find the strength, find the anger, find the drive, find something to stand you up when he is out of the apaprtment, pick up a bag and your daughter and walk out.
I know you can't imagine it, but that is probably because that path is not up to you but to faith. If the house were on fire you'd get out to save yourself without thinking about the next step. Find the address of a women's shelter and go.
I've said what I said because I care.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Every single time he belittles you and demeans you it chips away at you self worth and self esteem. This is so you don't go anywhere. So that you stay close by. Because someone like this.. an emotionally and mentally abusive man.. need someone to abuse.
That right now is your function. To serve as the whipping post for all his frustration and fear and anger and whatever else ails him.
Everybody here cares about you. Nobody is in judgement. I am certainly not. I can't be.. it took an ambulance to get me out. Whatever we say it is not in criticism. Think of us as that little voice that you can hear in yourself when you let it and when it is not drowned out by your H's witterings. You know... that voice that says he is not going to change and this is not going to change unless something changes.. that voice that tells you you are hurting and he is the source of that pain.. that voice that tells you this situation is wrong and you are not happy.. the one that tells you get away.
Alice is right. Your house is on fire. You need to save yourself and your child. You need to get to a place of safety. The rest will follow.
:ghug
That right now is your function. To serve as the whipping post for all his frustration and fear and anger and whatever else ails him.
Everybody here cares about you. Nobody is in judgement. I am certainly not. I can't be.. it took an ambulance to get me out. Whatever we say it is not in criticism. Think of us as that little voice that you can hear in yourself when you let it and when it is not drowned out by your H's witterings. You know... that voice that says he is not going to change and this is not going to change unless something changes.. that voice that tells you you are hurting and he is the source of that pain.. that voice that tells you this situation is wrong and you are not happy.. the one that tells you get away.
Alice is right. Your house is on fire. You need to save yourself and your child. You need to get to a place of safety. The rest will follow.
:ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Reality check:
He is selfish, unstable, crazy, mean and nasty and yet YOU are trying your hardest to keep his family intact despite all those things.
You "ignore" his behavior, his "unstable mood swings."
No other woman would ever put up with him and his craziness.
I hope you realize you have options. If not for you, please think about your daughter.
I know you are tired, but being tired is not an excuse to subject your daughter to an abusive household and put her in danger every breathing minute living with a monster.
I am sorry for the harsh words, however I also do not give a damn about what he thinks or not. He is deeply troubled. But I care a lot about you and your daughter.
I do not understand what you are so afraid of if in IMHO you have already lived in hell. You will be able to find peace and have your energy back anywhere else. God never leaves brave souls alone in time of need.
I will be praying for you,
Sandra
He is selfish, unstable, crazy, mean and nasty and yet YOU are trying your hardest to keep his family intact despite all those things.
You "ignore" his behavior, his "unstable mood swings."
No other woman would ever put up with him and his craziness.
I hope you realize you have options. If not for you, please think about your daughter.
I know you are tired, but being tired is not an excuse to subject your daughter to an abusive household and put her in danger every breathing minute living with a monster.
I am sorry for the harsh words, however I also do not give a damn about what he thinks or not. He is deeply troubled. But I care a lot about you and your daughter.
I do not understand what you are so afraid of if in IMHO you have already lived in hell. You will be able to find peace and have your energy back anywhere else. God never leaves brave souls alone in time of need.
I will be praying for you,
Sandra
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I understand the frustration. I would feel the same way hearing this from somebody else. I would very much like to get off this "crazy-go-round," but it is not so easy. If I go back to the shelter, I will lose my job as they do not have Internet access. And (as GiveLove referred to earlier) I have exhausted all my resources as far as friends and family. So I have to find a way financially to do this myself, and that means working as hard as I can and as many extra hours as I can to make this affordable. As I mentioned, the next paycheck I will get will not be a good one because of everything that happened over the last couple of weeks and me not being able to work, but I am back at work now and trying to do as much as I can.
Until then, however, I will make attempts to reach out to others, maybe going back to Al-Anon and calling people. I have become somebody that I don't recognize, and I had been making progress before on getting myself back. I don't want that to disappear. I am glad you all are here and glad I decided to post about what was happening. I appreciate everything that you write back.
Until then, however, I will make attempts to reach out to others, maybe going back to Al-Anon and calling people. I have become somebody that I don't recognize, and I had been making progress before on getting myself back. I don't want that to disappear. I am glad you all are here and glad I decided to post about what was happening. I appreciate everything that you write back.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Basically, the company I work for is national and is on an Internet-based platform. The only way to do the work available is through the Internet (it's medical transcription). There is another option that I have been thinking about, but I hesitate to post it because of AH's past history of searching through my messages here. However, it would also require my financial situation to be stable and would have to be achieved through working extra hours. I get paid by production, so the more I can do, the more I will make.
I really am kicking myself for not sticking to my guns back when people were willing to help me. AH keeps reminding me that I have nobody but him to count on, and I don't want that to be true anymore. He keeps telling me that I have a "sickness," which is true, but the sickness is and always has been HIM.
I really am kicking myself for not sticking to my guns back when people were willing to help me. AH keeps reminding me that I have nobody but him to count on, and I don't want that to be true anymore. He keeps telling me that I have a "sickness," which is true, but the sickness is and always has been HIM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Can you go home to Mom?
Or Sis? Or a friend? Heck, a shelter beats that sh!t!!!
Or, how about this--When my ex-husband became insane, I got him out of the house immediately by getting an ex-parte from the courts. I went downtown to the civil building, explained that he was threatening to burn my house down, and they had me file some papers that I wrote up. It was free. The police came and took him out of there. A week later we had a hearing. At the hearing, my sister testified that it was all true. Even if it was just me, I'd have won. Judges don't chance on letting an abusive man back in the house if the woman sticks with her story these days. Most of the time, the women don't come to court, so they are just happy when you follow through with it. He wasn't allowed back in and we eventually got a divorce. I got the house, as it was mine to begin with and you will get the apt as you have the child with you, pretty much for sure. Good luck, it wasn't hard for me at all.
KJ
Or Sis? Or a friend? Heck, a shelter beats that sh!t!!!
Or, how about this--When my ex-husband became insane, I got him out of the house immediately by getting an ex-parte from the courts. I went downtown to the civil building, explained that he was threatening to burn my house down, and they had me file some papers that I wrote up. It was free. The police came and took him out of there. A week later we had a hearing. At the hearing, my sister testified that it was all true. Even if it was just me, I'd have won. Judges don't chance on letting an abusive man back in the house if the woman sticks with her story these days. Most of the time, the women don't come to court, so they are just happy when you follow through with it. He wasn't allowed back in and we eventually got a divorce. I got the house, as it was mine to begin with and you will get the apt as you have the child with you, pretty much for sure. Good luck, it wasn't hard for me at all.
KJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I understand where you're coming from on the job issues.
Before you write off the shelter idea just yet, have you investigated shelters outside of your immediate area? Find one that partners with or has a vocational center nearby where you would be able to get your work done.
Have you looked into any in-house positions?
There are also ways to get secure HIPPA-compliant internet wirelessly so you can work on the fly a safe distance from the abuse.
I used to a be a person that would challenge anyone who said I couldn't do something no matter how riddled with obstacles it was. Always something to prove. It seems that person was drained from me over time. Now, I can come up with a dozen reasons why something is too hard or too out of reach for me now. Why is that? Why do we shoot down our own potential? Because someone who will not get help for an addiction says it should be? My ABF has always quit when the going got tough, hobbies, jobs, you name it. Why on earth would I take lessons from him?
Our minds boggle.
Alice
Before you write off the shelter idea just yet, have you investigated shelters outside of your immediate area? Find one that partners with or has a vocational center nearby where you would be able to get your work done.
Have you looked into any in-house positions?
There are also ways to get secure HIPPA-compliant internet wirelessly so you can work on the fly a safe distance from the abuse.
I used to a be a person that would challenge anyone who said I couldn't do something no matter how riddled with obstacles it was. Always something to prove. It seems that person was drained from me over time. Now, I can come up with a dozen reasons why something is too hard or too out of reach for me now. Why is that? Why do we shoot down our own potential? Because someone who will not get help for an addiction says it should be? My ABF has always quit when the going got tough, hobbies, jobs, you name it. Why on earth would I take lessons from him?
Our minds boggle.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
In my state, if a spouse is abusive and/or alcoholic - especially with children in the picture - there are legal ways to have them removed from the family home. I know laws vary state to state. So maybe legal advice from women's center or simliar?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I remember when my marriage/life/sanity was crumbling into little bitty pieces. The thought of trying to untangle it all was overwhelming. My therapist helped me focus. She guided me in prioritizing first things first. As we all like to say--baby steps.
It seems to me that the two big priorities in your life right now are:
1) getting away from an abusive situation
2) making sure you have Internet access so you can continue to work
Put all the other stuff aside for now and work on those two things. We will brainstorm with you if you want. Some posters have already offered ideas. Do any of them lead you to ideas of your own?
L
It seems to me that the two big priorities in your life right now are:
1) getting away from an abusive situation
2) making sure you have Internet access so you can continue to work
Put all the other stuff aside for now and work on those two things. We will brainstorm with you if you want. Some posters have already offered ideas. Do any of them lead you to ideas of your own?
L
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I agree with MissFixIt, if a person offered to help you before, this shows kindness of heart that may very well may still be open for you. The worst thing that can happen is that they do not help you, but do not make the assumption they are no longer willing to help.
"AH keeps reminding me that I have nobody but him to count on, and I don't want that to be true anymore."
That has NEVER been true. He is the least person on this Earth that YOU can count on!!
I am sorry you are going through these tough times, but I am glad you are getting tired and angry, that will help you move forward!
"AH keeps reminding me that I have nobody but him to count on, and I don't want that to be true anymore."
That has NEVER been true. He is the least person on this Earth that YOU can count on!!
I am sorry you are going through these tough times, but I am glad you are getting tired and angry, that will help you move forward!
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Just have a second, but wanted to share the "added bonus" I just discovered. AH is drinking again. Probably has been for a while, but now I know for sure.
I have to make all this craziness stop for myself and my children. Will write more later, but please stick with me...
I have to make all this craziness stop for myself and my children. Will write more later, but please stick with me...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Heya Cath, long time
I thought it best I waited a few days before I posted
There's a few saying around the "rooms":
If you keep doing what you are doing, you are going to keep getting what you are getting
and
If nothing changes, nothing changes
Every few weeks you "come back" with a new "story" of misery and woe, this time pregnant and abused, a few weeks ago it was your son, before that it was AH coming on here drunk, before that it was only being able to see your children once a week at McDonalds, now your AH is drinking.
Enough with the stories.
They are not only meaningless and immaterial to your recovery, they are all a direct result of you and your actions.
It's time to put the focus back on you
When you first got here, you started to recover, you quit drinking, you got away from this man, you got a sponsor, you started attending Alanon meetings etc.
Then you went back to him, slacked off on meetings, and I believe have gone through two sponsors and things are worse then ever.
It's time to put on the "big girl" pants now and start taking control of your own life.
He is not the problem. He is a symptom of the problem. Yeah, you need him gone, but He didn't lose your first two children. He is a part of the problem, he's nothing nice, we know that, but you keep going back to him, you have given him the power to treat you like he treats you.
I understand being stuck, I understand being afraid, I understand being overwhelmed.
The only way I got out of the situation I was in was by making it the most important thing in my life.
That meant if you got between me and my recovery you were GONE.
I don't care if I had to go around you, through you or over you, I was headed towards recovery no. matter. what.
If you got in my way you were my enemy and trying to kill me.
It's that serious.
It had to become the single most important thing in my life before anything changed.
Have you read my story? How I got here? I "ran away" from home about 8 months ago now, no money, no job, homeless, jobless, to get away from my abusive situation. I put all my stuff under a friends porch and started Couch surfing, digging ditches, painting fences, looking for work...anything.
My recovery was the most important thing to me in the whole world and that means I was prepared to go to any length to achieve it. If that meant a homeless shelter, so be it.
Now I'm working, have an adorable little two bedroom house all to myself, and work in my yard, work on my lawn, prune my roses etc. am dating a really nice girl, the list goes on and on. That's my gratitude list by the way My life is of course a work in progress and a process, I have good and bad days, ups and downs. 8 months ago I wanted to die. There was nothing good in my life. So I figured if I had nothing to lose, I would try something different. A leap. A leap of Faith.
It paid off.
It was the scariest and most difficult thing I have ever done, because I'm not 20 any more, I'm 44 for crying out loud.
What is your bottom?
What's it going to take?
How many children are you going to have to lose before you make a decision?
I am going to step out of bounds here and make some pretty strong suggestions here.
In my opinion, unless you get sober, start attending AA and Alanon, and get a "double winner" sponsor such as Laurie or Freedom this is as good as it's ever gonna get. The last few months/years are the blueprint for your future unless you change. The truth is it is going to get nothing but worse. You will look back on today and think of these as "the good old days"
Alcoholism and Codependency are, in my experience, progressive diseases, that means unless you change what you are doing, get sober, and do some work on yourself, if you leave this man, you will just go get an equal or worse version of him.
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink is not going to cut it any more Cath.
You have the information, you have the tools, and you have shown that you can do this.
Remember?
Don't you remember how good you felt?
Come back to the light, we are all here waiting for you.
It's time to stop being a Victim Cath, Victims don't get better, they get victimized.
it's time to put on the "big girl" pants and do it, I know you can, because I saw you do it before, think of that as your two week trial run.
My experience is if you take one step towards "recovery" it takes two steps towards you, things and situations fall into your lap as if by magic. I have literally seen this hundreds, if not thousands of times, ask Laurie and Freedom. Ask LaTeeDa. Ask GiveLove. ToughChoices. Ask them for help. Do what they tell you.
Time to take your life back, time to become the mother all of your children deserve to have.
Time to stop F'ing around Cath, time to stop making resolutions but never a decision.
No more stories.
It's time for action.
It's time.
You can do it, you can.
:ghug3
I thought it best I waited a few days before I posted
There's a few saying around the "rooms":
If you keep doing what you are doing, you are going to keep getting what you are getting
and
If nothing changes, nothing changes
Every few weeks you "come back" with a new "story" of misery and woe, this time pregnant and abused, a few weeks ago it was your son, before that it was AH coming on here drunk, before that it was only being able to see your children once a week at McDonalds, now your AH is drinking.
Enough with the stories.
They are not only meaningless and immaterial to your recovery, they are all a direct result of you and your actions.
It's time to put the focus back on you
When you first got here, you started to recover, you quit drinking, you got away from this man, you got a sponsor, you started attending Alanon meetings etc.
Then you went back to him, slacked off on meetings, and I believe have gone through two sponsors and things are worse then ever.
It's time to put on the "big girl" pants now and start taking control of your own life.
He is not the problem. He is a symptom of the problem. Yeah, you need him gone, but He didn't lose your first two children. He is a part of the problem, he's nothing nice, we know that, but you keep going back to him, you have given him the power to treat you like he treats you.
I understand being stuck, I understand being afraid, I understand being overwhelmed.
The only way I got out of the situation I was in was by making it the most important thing in my life.
That meant if you got between me and my recovery you were GONE.
I don't care if I had to go around you, through you or over you, I was headed towards recovery no. matter. what.
If you got in my way you were my enemy and trying to kill me.
It's that serious.
It had to become the single most important thing in my life before anything changed.
Have you read my story? How I got here? I "ran away" from home about 8 months ago now, no money, no job, homeless, jobless, to get away from my abusive situation. I put all my stuff under a friends porch and started Couch surfing, digging ditches, painting fences, looking for work...anything.
My recovery was the most important thing to me in the whole world and that means I was prepared to go to any length to achieve it. If that meant a homeless shelter, so be it.
Now I'm working, have an adorable little two bedroom house all to myself, and work in my yard, work on my lawn, prune my roses etc. am dating a really nice girl, the list goes on and on. That's my gratitude list by the way My life is of course a work in progress and a process, I have good and bad days, ups and downs. 8 months ago I wanted to die. There was nothing good in my life. So I figured if I had nothing to lose, I would try something different. A leap. A leap of Faith.
It paid off.
It was the scariest and most difficult thing I have ever done, because I'm not 20 any more, I'm 44 for crying out loud.
What is your bottom?
What's it going to take?
How many children are you going to have to lose before you make a decision?
I am going to step out of bounds here and make some pretty strong suggestions here.
In my opinion, unless you get sober, start attending AA and Alanon, and get a "double winner" sponsor such as Laurie or Freedom this is as good as it's ever gonna get. The last few months/years are the blueprint for your future unless you change. The truth is it is going to get nothing but worse. You will look back on today and think of these as "the good old days"
Alcoholism and Codependency are, in my experience, progressive diseases, that means unless you change what you are doing, get sober, and do some work on yourself, if you leave this man, you will just go get an equal or worse version of him.
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink is not going to cut it any more Cath.
You have the information, you have the tools, and you have shown that you can do this.
Remember?
Don't you remember how good you felt?
Come back to the light, we are all here waiting for you.
It's time to stop being a Victim Cath, Victims don't get better, they get victimized.
it's time to put on the "big girl" pants and do it, I know you can, because I saw you do it before, think of that as your two week trial run.
My experience is if you take one step towards "recovery" it takes two steps towards you, things and situations fall into your lap as if by magic. I have literally seen this hundreds, if not thousands of times, ask Laurie and Freedom. Ask LaTeeDa. Ask GiveLove. ToughChoices. Ask them for help. Do what they tell you.
Time to take your life back, time to become the mother all of your children deserve to have.
Time to stop F'ing around Cath, time to stop making resolutions but never a decision.
No more stories.
It's time for action.
It's time.
You can do it, you can.
:ghug3
Last edited by Ago; 05-02-2009 at 05:09 PM.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Oh Jesus...
Thank you, Ago. I want to copy your post and keep it to read over. After I first read it, I left the computer and went and sat for a while. The truth didn't get any prettier.
I am very sick. I am so far away from recovery that I can't even see it. I do remember how good it felt---like nothing else I've ever experienced before, but it seems so distant.
Until I can figure out how to give a s**t about myself, the stories would likely continue. I haven't cared for a long time, probably not since my first marriage ended 4 years ago. Since then, I have been nothing but self-destructive, hoping that I would meet my fate by accident, but causing it on purpose.
I care about and love my children deeply and feel pain at the hurt I have caused, just can't seem to make it stop, not even for them.
I can say all the right things, whatever sounds good, but freeze when it's time to put it into action. Or just decide to numb the pain instead---works temporarily.
Thank you for writing what you did. I was kinda hoping you would. I've been sitting here waiting for someone to rescue me from this life, but the tools you give me really help to show me that it has to come from me. Just haven't figured out how to use them yet.
Please keep posting.
Thank you, Ago. I want to copy your post and keep it to read over. After I first read it, I left the computer and went and sat for a while. The truth didn't get any prettier.
I am very sick. I am so far away from recovery that I can't even see it. I do remember how good it felt---like nothing else I've ever experienced before, but it seems so distant.
Until I can figure out how to give a s**t about myself, the stories would likely continue. I haven't cared for a long time, probably not since my first marriage ended 4 years ago. Since then, I have been nothing but self-destructive, hoping that I would meet my fate by accident, but causing it on purpose.
I care about and love my children deeply and feel pain at the hurt I have caused, just can't seem to make it stop, not even for them.
I can say all the right things, whatever sounds good, but freeze when it's time to put it into action. Or just decide to numb the pain instead---works temporarily.
Thank you for writing what you did. I was kinda hoping you would. I've been sitting here waiting for someone to rescue me from this life, but the tools you give me really help to show me that it has to come from me. Just haven't figured out how to use them yet.
Please keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Time to break it down into manageable bits, like LTD says, baby steps
Tarheel wrote that there is possibly legal help available for getting an abusive and alcoholic spouse out of your house, can you check into that?
maybe start a checklist thread?
I find that breaking stuff down into manageable bits helps immensely
I also would suggest 90 meetings in 90 days, things seem to fall into place when I put my recovery first
baby steps, and one day at a time, shrink your world until you just do the next right thing. All you have to worry about is the right now.
What can you do today to move forward?
my list would for today would look something like this
1) check for legal assistance to remove AH
2) check for internet options, wireless cafe's in the area? the library?
3) check for housing options such as a womens shelter or a sober living environment if removing AH is not an option.
4) Go to a meeting. AA or Alanon Do 90 in 90
I write lists all the time, to do lists, budget lists etc. I break them down into "today", "this week" and "goals"
I recently found a list I had written 6 weeks ago, it had short term, and long term goals on it. I was in a place I felt like I was 'stuck" and my life wasn't moving forward. Every item on that list had been crossed off, and there was some big ones, like.....move (to a new place). That was HUGE to my mental well being to see all the progress I have made and continue to make.
Baby steps, one day at a time, ask for help, you don't need to do this alone, break it down to bite sized pieces and it's doable.
I have a friend of mine that has been sober for many many years, he was sharing and he said "when I got sober, every day I made an effort to put something healthy in my body, just one little thing, after a few years of doing this, I noticed my body had gotten healthy, so I started doing that with my mind, every day I put just one little healthy thought in my mind, after a few years I noticed my mind was healthy."
Then he walked to New York. (from San Francisco)
He's like 70.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
Every day I just try and do one extra little thing. It doesn't have to be big, just a little thing. Sometime it can be as simple as eat healthy, or take a nap.
You have the resources, you have the support, you know what to do, you can do this thing.
I can't think myself into right living, but I can live myself into right thinking. But I can't do it alone. My neural pathways are established with what is known as "old thinking", left to my own devices I will shortly be exactly where I left off. I need people around me that have been in my shoes. This disease in a group is laughably curable, alone it is painfully fatal.
When presented with a certain set of circumstances my answer will always be the same. The answers I learned from my family. Those answers will invariably lead me exactly to where you are now. I need new answers. I get those from group support, face to face meetings. It takes about 72 hours for my thinking to return to what it was after a meeting. Old thinking. Old thinking always leads me back to old and painful situations. I need to keep doing this until I have new neural pathways burned, until I have new answers for old questions. If I keep doing that, eventually I find I am in a new situation. I can't NOT be in a new situation with new thinking, just like I can't not end up in the same old situation with my old thinking. this has been medically proven to be true and it's literally a mathematical equation.
You don't have to do this alone Cath, there are a ton of resources out there for you, then, the rewarding part will be you will get to help someone exactly like you someday, you will lead a mini Cath into recovery, someone who despaired of ever getting better, or getting help, and you will be able to show her step by step exactly how you recovered when no one else could reach her, because you have gone through exactly what she is going through.
One day at a time Cath, baby steps
You can do it.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
I remember when my marriage/life/sanity was crumbling into little bitty pieces. The thought of trying to untangle it all was overwhelming. My therapist helped me focus. She guided me in prioritizing first things first. As we all like to say--baby steps.
It seems to me that the two big priorities in your life right now are:
1) getting away from an abusive situation
2) making sure you have Internet access so you can continue to work
Put all the other stuff aside for now and work on those two things. We will brainstorm with you if you want. Some posters have already offered ideas. Do any of them lead you to ideas of your own?
L
It seems to me that the two big priorities in your life right now are:
1) getting away from an abusive situation
2) making sure you have Internet access so you can continue to work
Put all the other stuff aside for now and work on those two things. We will brainstorm with you if you want. Some posters have already offered ideas. Do any of them lead you to ideas of your own?
L
maybe start a checklist thread?
I find that breaking stuff down into manageable bits helps immensely
I also would suggest 90 meetings in 90 days, things seem to fall into place when I put my recovery first
baby steps, and one day at a time, shrink your world until you just do the next right thing. All you have to worry about is the right now.
What can you do today to move forward?
my list would for today would look something like this
1) check for legal assistance to remove AH
2) check for internet options, wireless cafe's in the area? the library?
3) check for housing options such as a womens shelter or a sober living environment if removing AH is not an option.
4) Go to a meeting. AA or Alanon Do 90 in 90
I write lists all the time, to do lists, budget lists etc. I break them down into "today", "this week" and "goals"
I recently found a list I had written 6 weeks ago, it had short term, and long term goals on it. I was in a place I felt like I was 'stuck" and my life wasn't moving forward. Every item on that list had been crossed off, and there was some big ones, like.....move (to a new place). That was HUGE to my mental well being to see all the progress I have made and continue to make.
Baby steps, one day at a time, ask for help, you don't need to do this alone, break it down to bite sized pieces and it's doable.
I have a friend of mine that has been sober for many many years, he was sharing and he said "when I got sober, every day I made an effort to put something healthy in my body, just one little thing, after a few years of doing this, I noticed my body had gotten healthy, so I started doing that with my mind, every day I put just one little healthy thought in my mind, after a few years I noticed my mind was healthy."
Then he walked to New York. (from San Francisco)
He's like 70.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
Every day I just try and do one extra little thing. It doesn't have to be big, just a little thing. Sometime it can be as simple as eat healthy, or take a nap.
You have the resources, you have the support, you know what to do, you can do this thing.
I can't think myself into right living, but I can live myself into right thinking. But I can't do it alone. My neural pathways are established with what is known as "old thinking", left to my own devices I will shortly be exactly where I left off. I need people around me that have been in my shoes. This disease in a group is laughably curable, alone it is painfully fatal.
When presented with a certain set of circumstances my answer will always be the same. The answers I learned from my family. Those answers will invariably lead me exactly to where you are now. I need new answers. I get those from group support, face to face meetings. It takes about 72 hours for my thinking to return to what it was after a meeting. Old thinking. Old thinking always leads me back to old and painful situations. I need to keep doing this until I have new neural pathways burned, until I have new answers for old questions. If I keep doing that, eventually I find I am in a new situation. I can't NOT be in a new situation with new thinking, just like I can't not end up in the same old situation with my old thinking. this has been medically proven to be true and it's literally a mathematical equation.
You don't have to do this alone Cath, there are a ton of resources out there for you, then, the rewarding part will be you will get to help someone exactly like you someday, you will lead a mini Cath into recovery, someone who despaired of ever getting better, or getting help, and you will be able to show her step by step exactly how you recovered when no one else could reach her, because you have gone through exactly what she is going through.
One day at a time Cath, baby steps
You can do it.
Last edited by Ago; 05-03-2009 at 09:28 AM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
P.S. It's also time to put down "The Bat". The bat you are using to beat yourself with. It's not only not helpful it's part of the "dis-ease". It's the part of you that will keep you sick. That's the part of you that goes back to your husband. The same voice that is telling you all those bad things about yourself is the voice that keeps you "sick". This is the voice that got you into this mess.
listen, this is important.
It's fiction. This is the part of your mind that is trying to kill you.
Don't listen to it.
Alcoholism and codependency are shame based diseases that are like Funghi. They like to be kept in the dark and fed shyte. They flourish in that environment. They are poison.
It's time to bring some sunshine on these things, they can't live in the light, you can accomplish this by going to meetings and working the steps.
If you concentrate on the problem, the problem increases, if you focus on the solution the solution increases.
It's time to become a solution based human being.
Put the bat down.
listen, this is important.
It's fiction. This is the part of your mind that is trying to kill you.
Don't listen to it.
Alcoholism and codependency are shame based diseases that are like Funghi. They like to be kept in the dark and fed shyte. They flourish in that environment. They are poison.
It's time to bring some sunshine on these things, they can't live in the light, you can accomplish this by going to meetings and working the steps.
If you concentrate on the problem, the problem increases, if you focus on the solution the solution increases.
It's time to become a solution based human being.
Put the bat down.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Africa
Posts: 65
Cath - I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I know what you mean about financial constraints and being tired and so on. It does seem easier to stay sometimes, but I am with everyone else here... find a way out, please, save yourself and your baby. Reach out for help and take one step at a time...
Your post just makes me want to cry that anyone has to live with that kind of abuse... that emotional verbal meanness just grinds you down and you don't deserve that.
I am keeping you in my thoughts. XX
Your post just makes me want to cry that anyone has to live with that kind of abuse... that emotional verbal meanness just grinds you down and you don't deserve that.
I am keeping you in my thoughts. XX
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Changes are in the works this week. Can't elaborate for obvious reasons, but just wanted to let you all know. Will post more details when I can.
Ago, thank you for getting through to me. It's been a long time since I really and truly listened to anybody, but your posts reached me in a way that I had not let anyone else. I owe you a lot.
Ago, thank you for getting through to me. It's been a long time since I really and truly listened to anybody, but your posts reached me in a way that I had not let anyone else. I owe you a lot.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
